Local News Media And Government Officials Celebrate The Opening Of LRT's Green Line

On Saturday, the twin cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul opened the Central Corridor Green Line, as members of the Metropolitan Council and local TV stations celebrated this incredibly expensive boondoggle with city officials. Our correspondent observed this celebration of big government, and filed this report:

On Saturday and Sunday, the Twin Cities officially opened the 'green line', connecting Minneapolis and St. Paul. Everyone got to ride for free.

There was music, clowns, and a 'bar crawl' along the route.

Our friends at KARE 11 celebrated with a carnival, with pizza and hot dogs. They also set up a dunk tank. We had to call a doctor for anchor Julie Nelson, who fainted from the excitement of Saturday's festivities.

Over at WCCO, news anchors and reporters delivered breathless praise for our local government and their newest boondoggle, then interviewed the riders. All of the passengers approved of the free ride, and agreed that the new train was 'beautiful.'

FOX 9 anchor Jeff Passolt boarded the train in a clown costume, and made animal balloons for the kids.

We spoke to Met Transit spokesman Bill Barnard, who excitedly told our correspondent:

When the history of the Twin Cities is written, today will be remembered as the greatest day ever. This was the day that our two great cities were FINALLY connected. The Minneapolis Star Tribune described it as 'A Rail Of Two Cities.'

In closing, our correspondent spoke to one of the new drivers, who said this:

Some critics will describe this project as a 'boondoggle' and 'dangerous'. I stand by our record. In the testing phase, we had only four minor accidents, and not a single fatality..

Jackie Mason: How Low Can These Evil Democrat Schmucks Go?

Our Correspondent Jackie Mason sends us this:


Oi Vey! This lying, evil schmuck Obama lies about Benghazi, lies about The IRS, lies about EVERYTHING. Then, he opens his daily liefest with, 'Just let me be clear.' The only thing clear is that he's a liar!

Let me translate: When Obama says 'Just let me be clear,' he's really saying,' Do not interrupt me while I'm lying my ass off.' What a dirty-rotten schlemiel!

These evil, conniving  Democrats are always in the gutter. When Eric Cantor lost the Republican primary, these Dirty Demonrats chalked it up to 'Jew hatred'. If there's something Democrats know, it's Jew hatred. Lying creeps.

As these bloodthirsty, insane Islamo-fascists chop off heads, and rape women, Obama and his idiotic robots spread this baloney about 'Republican War On Women.'

He's willing to break every law imaginable to beat The Republicans, using The IRS to harass and intimidate The People, yet thinks that a hashtag is gonna stop those psychotic animals Boko Haram. God help us.

Now, we have a humanitarian crisis. Kids from Central America are being 'housed' at army bases in Texas and Arizona, because this jack-ass is trying to overrun the country I love. What a bastard.

 I'll bet his OFA creeps are probably registering these kids to vote this November.

The Jerk-In-Chief welcomes the traitor Bowe Bergdahl to the White House, while American hero Andrew Tahmooressi remains handcuffed to a dirty bed in a Mexican prison. Shameful.

That dirty schmuck Schumer wants to do away with the 1st Amendment, that jack-ass Keith Ellison wants to do away with The 2nd Amendment, somebody wants to do away with the 3rd, 4th, and 5th.

And these clowns take an oath to uphold and defend The Constitution? These people are crazy. We should keep Camp Gitmo open, and put all these Democrat criminals in there.

Well, that's it for now.

Jackie

Hillary Clinton: Hard Choices (Page 158)

We were FLAT BROKE. We were up to our lying eyes with legal costs, and had purchased a second mansion in New York.

I had to make visits to the plasma center to pay the mortgage. I would have to make roughly 40,000 more visits to pay it off, and had to explain our situation to my daughter Chelsea. Soon, she would be enrolling in college.

I surreptitiously made a deal to sell our future grandchildren to Uncle George (Soros). Knowing Chelsea, I knew she would understand.

However, for the time being, Bill and I knew we needed money, so he scheduled MORE speaking engagements. raking in $750,000 per appearence.  I had to sell the silverware I stole from The White House in January 2001, and had to also sell almost half of my collection of pantsuits.

It was a scary time. I didn't know how many bimbos were going to come out of the woodwork, and sue Bill for harassing them.

We decided that I would make a run for the Senate. That would be a great way to make lots of money quick. We decided to pick a real safe state where a carpet-bagging Democrat can easily win. Of course, New York was the logical choice. 

Emperor Obama: Say Goodbye To Fossil Fuels

Today, Emperor Obama addresses his subjects on the subject of energy:

 Good morning, my impoverished American cave people,

Today, I proudly announce that I have kept TWO campaign promises....to destroy The Coal Industry AND that energy prices would necessarily skyrocket.

I am happy to announce that soon the America that you grew up in will be reduced to 4th-world status. Soon, there will be NO WAY to pay your energy bill. It will be impossible to start up your computers or heat your homes, unless I say you may.

Say goodbye to cheap, plentiful fossil fuels. Soon, we will close all the nuclear plants, and rely on the sun and kelp from the ocean to supply us with all our energy needs. I foresee a time when nearly everyone will be living in straw huts.

Eventually, you will be completely dependent on ME. Soon, you will need to contact one of my commissars, and he or she will get you in contact with an ENERGY NAVIGATOR, who will have the power rob you of your earthly possessions.....or grant you an ENERGY SUBSIDY.

If you are a registered Democrat, you probably WILL receive your energy subsidy......unless there's a problem with our website, energy,gov, which will be up-and-running in 2017.

We may replace energy grids with 'energy welfare offices.'

Global Climate Change is disturbing the balance on this fragile, tiny planet. So, within three years, we will drastically reduce CO2 by eliminating millions of producers of this pollutant.....PEOPLE!

This will be an orderly process. We will do away with 'domestic terrorists', such as land-owners and conservative refuseniks. We will herd them up, and put them in our FEMA camps. Then, they will disappear, and along with them, excessive amounts of CO2.

These are exciting times.

Allahu Akbar. (ululate)

An Offer To Malia And Sasha Obama

Dear Malia and Sasha Obama,

The RedSquirrel Report would like to offer you a chance to serve your country. There is SO MUCH that we don't know about your Mom and Dad, and so we would like to ask you if you would be interested in helping us know them better.

At some point, at the White House dinner table, we would like you to ask your Dad where he keeps his college transcripts. If he tells you where they are, or better yet, if he xeroxes a copy, send it to us at The RedSquirrel Report. We will pay you a $1,000.

That's right. We have a check made out to you, Malia and Sasha. A thousand BUCKS. You can split it 50-50, or Malia can take 60%. It's up to you girls how you want to split the money.

Think about it. A thousand dollars. You can invite all your friends over, and order a hundred pizzas.

The RedSquirrel Report also asks you to monitor your parents for any RACIST remarks. We at RSR are journalists interested in getting 'the inside scoop,' and believe that The President and The First Lady must always set a high standard.

If you want, you can wear a wire, and we can park a surveillance truck a few blocks from The White House. If your parents, or Grandma Robinson, say anything that can be construed as RACIST, and it's caught on tape, we will pay you.

Can you imagine how famous you would become? You would be more famous than Donald Sterling's girlfriend, or even Geraldo Rivera!

Thanks,

Joe at The RedSquirrel Report

p.s.-We will also pay you $1,000 for a funny, embarrassing pic of Valerie Jarrett, or one of your Mom feeding her face.

Obama's Speech At West Point

Here are some of President Obama's remarks before the graduating class at West Point (if he ever told the truth):


Thank you......Thank you.....No, don't stand up.......

It is an HONOR to be here to speak to you, the graduates of West Point. I am honored to speak to all you CORPSEMEN.

The FIRST thing I want to say is that The V.A. Scandal is NOT MY FAULT. I inherited this disgraceful mess from the previous administration, so don't blame me.

I am proud to say that MY ADMINISTRATION is drawing down our forces in Afghanistan and Iraq, and soon, the right people will take charge in these countries.... 

....Muslim extremists who HATE OUR GUTS....

Soon, you may be called upon to rescue those school girls in Nigeria. It looks like our hashtag diplomacy has made my administration the laughing stock of the world. It's hard to believe that you just can't stop terrorists with a hashtag.

Soon, you will be replaced by my gestapo....uh....I mean, my National Civilian Security Force just as well-funded as the U.S. military. Of course, you can join that.

Soon, you will become commanders....as long as you will promise to fire upon those dangerous 'domestic terrorists', such as registered Republicans and supporters of the Second Amendment.

America must always lead the world, as long as it's alright with Vlad Putin. We also never leave any of our people behind, unless there's an important fundraiser in Las Vegas the next day. I believe with every fiber of my being that American needs to be knocked down a few pegs.

I do have some incredible news:

I have single-handedly traded five, dangerous, America-hating terrorists from Guantanamo Bay for America-hating deserter Bowe Bergdahl....

Before I freed those terrorists from Guantanamo Prison, they were getting good, free healthcare. Now, they lose it. Basically, I CANCELLED their health plan! I screwed them over just as I screwed over YOUR PARENTS! 

Hey, stop booing.....You better stop or Attorney General Eric Holder will put you on my enemies list. Hey, I can purge generals....Don't think I can't do the same to you little punks.

On top of all the great work I have done with the military, the thing I am most proud of is that we have successfully turned Bradley Manning into Chelsea Manning! Who says that you can't get good medical care under my administration!

These are exciting times for the military. Soon, you will be fighting against dangerous Mexican drug dealers right on the streets of America. They own guns my administration gave them in Operation Fast And Furious. Three cheers for Team Obama!

Hey, put those middle fingers down!

In closing, I see a future where you will be doing your training on the streets of America, alongside our friends....The Russians and The Chinese. Many of you will do the important work of guarding FEMA prison camps, as your overlords plan out wars in Syria and Libya.

Thank you. That's my time.

Allahu Akbar!!!! (ululates)

Red Forman: Toure' Neblett And Eleanor Clift Are Dumb-Asses

MSNBC's Toure' Neblett has got to be the dumbest human being to ever be put on television, and The McLaughlin Group's Eleanor Clift isn't far behind . It's simply amazing how prolific they are in their incredibly idiotic, offensive comments.

Imagine that you're a reasonably well-informed American from the 1970's and you could watch what passes for punditry in 2014. Here to give us some insight is our citizen reporter from The 1970's, Red Forman. Take it away, Red:

Holy crap, look at all the incredibly stupid pundits you have in the year 2014. Back in the 1970's, we had the big three. We had Walter Cronkite on the tube to tell us that Nixon was meeting with Brezhnev or Carter was cutting a deal with Israel and the Palestinians. We also had that smart aleck William F. Buckley on PBS.

Things have changed. Now, we have cable news, talk radio, and tons of stuff we didn't have in the 70's. It looks like EVERYBODY has a say, even hateful, obnoxious jack-asses like this dummkopf Toure' Neblett, who says that Jews need to 'check their privilege'. People like that insane doofus claim that white Americans have an unfair advantage because they're white. It could never be because most of us make smart decisions, like marrying our children's mother and working hard. Jaw-dropping.

Hey Toure', CHECK YOUR STUPIDITY!

Then, there's Eleanor Clift, who recently said that Ambassador Chris Stevens was NOT killed by Islamic terrorists in Benghazi. He was killed by 'smoke inhalation'. That's like saying that on 9-11, 3,000 Americans 'died'  from 'falling'. What an insipid hag.

One great thing you have now is this doohicky called The Internet. I kinda like checking out that thingy you guys call Twitter. It's where normal Americans go to make fun of these idiots. I'm laughing my ass off right now, reading this hashtag #eleanorcliftlogic. 

Have a great day.