Dear ISIS, Convert To Christianity Or Die

We here at The RedSquirrel Report are proud to welcome our new Military Correspondent, who has this message for ISIS:


Dear ISIS,

I've been watching you in action for about six weeks now, and see that you have been forcibly converting unarmed people to your satanic cult, and be-heading non-believers.

I also heard one of your leaders say that America is next. Before you try, Let me explain a few things.

This is supermodel Kate Upton. I bet that you would like to put her in a hijab, but I just have to warn you the men of America will annihilate every last one of you if you ever try. Americans are slow to anger, but if you try to put the women of America in one of your garbage bags, you will only unleash our wrath.

American men love women. We don't throw rocks at our daughters or sell them into slavery. When someone we love is raped, we go after the rapist, not the victim. Killing the victim is just plain sick.

I understand that in your sick belief system, you cannot go to paradise if a woman kills you. Maybe I shouldn't tell you about all our terrific female pilots who will soon be dropping missiles on your filthy, stinking heads.

Y'see there genius, that's just one of the reasons we're better than you. We don't disqualify half our population because they pee sitting down. We don't enslave 'em, or march them around in garbage bags and chains. If they want to learn, we teach 'em how to fly a jet, and become efficient, incredible killers.

I heard that you don't like dogs or alcohol. In the west, we refer to dogs as 'Man's best friend'. It's sick that you Muslim extremists cannot open your heart to a dog. They're adorable, loyal, and their noses are wet. Go ahead, Mahmoud, Hug one.

Your aversion to 'man's best friend' isn't holy. It's a maladjustment.

I hear that you disapprove of alcohol. Well, Americans love it. If you can't live in a world where somebody is enjoying themself , that's YOUR problem. You Islamo-Nazis need to learn to unwind in some way other than having sex with a goat. You're wound up too tightly.

America have destroyed a lot of bullies in it's history, so can all your threats. Many of us love The Lord Jesus Christ, and we know how this ends. Yahweh will judge you, and send you to a place where your moon idol Allah can't help you.

So, you think that you dirty-bearded savages can make US convert to your sick belief system? I say this:

Dear ISIS, convert to Christianity or die......Too late, you're effin' dead already. The Great Satan is coming to get you. That is all.