Thank you.
Senate Leader Reid, Speaker Boehner, honored guests....Because of ME, The State of the Union is STRONG! (Democrats go nuts. Republicans laugh.)
When I was elected in 2008, I inherited the worst economic mess in the country's history. After destroying the coal industry, retarding the oil industry, robbing the taxpayer, and SHOWERING my supporters and cronies with STIMULUS, I can report without any hesitation that my cronies and public employee unions are better off than they were just four years ago! (Democrats stand, cheering loudly).
This year, MY Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act will make all health care absolutely free for everyone! (Democrats stand, cheering uncontrollably).
BUT LET ME BE CLEAR. As good as things are now, some folks on the other side of the aisle are keeping ME from realizing my father's dream. My Utopia will not be realized as long as hateful voices on talk radio, as well as those hash tag hijackers, are allowed to spread opposition to my plans.
Tonight I will introduce my new initiative that I call QE ZOOM. I will order that as long as you can prove that you're an Obama supporter, you can have much money as you want. Just send $20 to Obama For America. We take all credit cards.
Basically, I am like the genie in a bottle, granting all my voters three wishes. And the best thing is, it's free! (The Democrats cheer wildly. The Republicans look around, shaking their heads).
As for this sequester thing, I say that there's no spending problem. PARTY ON! As for the debt ceiling, I say, 'Raise the roof, raise the roof...." (The Democrats push their hands in the air, and do the 'Raise the Roof' dance)....
....and let's make The Koch Brothers, the cigarette companies, and 'big oil' pay for it.
I am pleased to carry on a great State of the Union tradition, by introducing some honored guests in the gallery. Seated with the First Lady is Juan Rodriquez, his wife, his 9 anchor babies, and 30 relatives. Just look at Juan's beautiful family, and remember:
THE REPUBLICANS WANT TO ARREST AND DEPORT ALL OF THEM, EVEN JUAN'S 3-YEAR-OLD SON, FRANKY! (The Democrats face The Republicans, 'Booing' and 'jeering' loudly).
We have also invited victims of gun violence. Please stand, all of you! Just remember, The National Rifle Association causes gun violence. I want America to know that I WILL NOT REST until REASONABLE GUN CONTROL legislation is finally passed.
Nobody needs AN ASSAULT RIFLE, except for dangerous Mexican drug dealers.
Before I go on, I would like to ask Secret Service to remove Ted Nugent from the guest box. He's looking at me.
I've sent 20 F-I6's to our friends in Egypt to protect them from THE JOOS. (The Democrats applaud. The camera pans to Jewish Republican Eric Cantor. He doesn't appear to be pleased).
Last November 6, I was SO HUMBLED by my re-election. I want to thank my lawyers who worked like HELL to delay the delivery of ballots to those serving in the military overseas. I also want to thank my friends at SCYTL. They did a terrific job of counting the votes. I also want to give a 'shout-out' to Democrat activists who rigged the voting machines, as well as everyone who risked imprisonment if they were caught voting illegally. (The Democrats cheer wildly).
I STILL believe that voting should be made easier. Some people are still forced to wait 20-30 minutes in line, and I think that is simply inhumane. There are some extremists who argue that this country needs a National Voter ID Law. I would like to tell these extreme voices that this is not Nazi Germany. (The Democrats point at The Republicans, and blow on the whistles hanging around their necks).
Finally, I want to thank my state-run Obama media. Thanks for misleading the American people on the 15% real unemployment rate and foreclosure signs as far as the eye can see. Thanks for touting the Dow Jones blasting through 14,000, while ignoring the QE bubble.
Thanks for making me look almost God-like to my supporters. With suck-up sycophants like you, I feel like I can get away with anything.
Well, That's my time. I'm outta here. Bless the United States of Obama! Good night.
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