Thursday, November 29, 2012

Mele Kalikimaka Means Obama's Hawaiian Vacay

Mele Kalikimaka is what Obama says, as he goes on his Christmas vacay
He and Moochellimaka are gonna live it up, while American jobs go away
As America goes off the fiscal cliff
His voters don't care, so what's the diff
Mele Kalikimaka is Obama's way of saying 'Screw you.'

Mele KaliBenghazi means He don't care, So what if four Americans are dead
Obam Kahuna needs a vacation bad, and another 18 holes will clear his head
'cause stealing the election was a full-time job
He an' Moochelle will laugh at all you middle-class slobs
Mele Kalikimaka is Obama's way of saying 'Screw you.'

He knows the voters aren't very bright
They hated Romney 'cause he's successful n' white
Mele Kalikimaka is Obama's way of saying 'America, Screw you.'

Mele Kalikimaka is what Obama says, as he goes on his Christmas vacay
Taxpayer Moolah will pick up the bill, Our Little Dictator will be gone for 17 days
So who cares if the taxpayers are hosed?
And the stores on Main Street are all closed
Mele Kalikimaka is Obama's way of saying 'America, Screw you.'

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

And Tonight's Powerball Numbers Are.... even the Powerball

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Hey Paul, Just Live And Let Turkeys Die

As American families gather around the dinner table this Thanksgiving, vegetarian pop star Paul McCartney wants you to know that he disapproves of eating turkey.

He has sent a message, as part of a new campaign from our friends at PETA:

"Say No, Thanks To Turkey....Go Vegetarian."

We here at The RedSquirrel Report would like to send a message to Mr. McCartney:

"Paul, just Live And Let turkeys Die."

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

The President's Thanksgiving Address To America

Gobble gobble, my subjects. I hope that you're with your family this Thanksgiving, and I hope that if you voted for me, that you REALLY get up in the faces of all your conservative relatives who voted for that loser Mitt Romney.

As you dig into that turkey leg and enjoy the cranberries, I hope that you remember the less fortunate-like those suckers who lost their job at Hostess.

See what happens when you don't give in to my unionista thug allies?

On this special holiday, I just wanna tell my subjects what I am thankful for. First of all, I am thankful for stupid, gullible, low-information voters.

I am thankful for my god-like reverb, my superior ground game, and my best teleprompter.

Of course, I am thankful for FLOTUS, my darling daughters, and everyone in the state-run news media. Without your relentless lying, I would have had to rely solely on outright vote fraud to win re-election.

On this Thanksgiving Day, I propose a 'fundamentally transformed' Thanksgiving from this day forward. Since America believes in ME more than that old fogey GOD, I want every family to bow their heads in prayer, and thank ME for all you have....

....your Obama phones, 99 months of unemployment compensation, your college loans forgiven, free contraception, ect.

Also, if it weren't for ME and my Democrat allies in The Senate, Big Bird would have ended up on that fat-head Chris Christie's dinner table.

I am announcing an executive order, mandating that every household place a listening device on every kitchen table in America. My civilian security agents and my czars are listening in on you right now.

I want to dispel a rumor that my family will be roasting a dog. Damn all of you conservatives on Twitter. You just won't let that go, will you?

Finally, I am thankful for Attorney General Eric Holder. If it wasn't for him, I'd be spending Thanksgiving in a Federal Prison somewhere.

Thank you. And thank me.

President Barack Hussein Obama, mmmm....mmmm....mmmm

Do You Realize...There's A Grenade In Your Suitcase?

We begin this story with a helpful tip for all you holiday travelers:

Don't pack a grenade in your suitcase.

On November 10, TSA agents at Will Rogers Airport in Oklahoma City discovered a grenade in Wayne Coyne's carry-on luggage.

Wayne Coyne is the eccentric frontman of The Flaming Lips.

The resulting panic caused cancelled and postponed flights. Later, the spaced-out popster apologized on Twitter.

I wonder if the TSA agents on the scene broke out in song:

Do You Realize....You have a grenade in your suitcase?
Do You Realize....Or is your head filled with an empty space?

Monday, November 19, 2012

Hi Barry, Let Me Introduce Myself

Dear Jack-A$$, congrats on your re-election.

Yesterday, Jim Messina sent me yet ANOTHER email. It appears that nobody associated with your administration knows who I am yet, so I will introduce myself.

My name is J. RedSquirrel. I am a blogger from Minneapolis.

In September 2011, I was one of many conservative bloggers who turned ourselves in to The Regime following the debut of your snitch website Attack Watch. As a result, I was put on your email list. I estimate that your campaign has sent me about 300 email requests for campaign contributions.

As it turns out, my only use for your emails was that I used them to ridicule your presidency on my blog,

Until the day you are impeached and removed from The White House, I am gonna dig up your victory garden. This right-winged critter intends to be like the little squirrel running thru the house in "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation", sending terror through the hearts of your staff.

I might jump out of your Christmas tree.

One more thing, Buster.  You and your corrupt administration are gonna have me ripping at your ankles for the next four years. I hope that I have rabies.


J. RedSquirrel

My Savior Is Better Than Your Messiah

Jesus turned water into wine (John 2: 1-25), while Obama rigged voting machines, turning votes for Romney into votes for Obama....

Jesus fed the multitudes with 2 loaves of bread and 5 fish (Matthew 14: 13-21), while Obama got over 100% of the vote in many areas across America.

Jesus preached that the meek shall inherit the Earth (Matthew 5:5), while Obama kisses up to The Muslim Brotherhood and corrupt union bosses.

Jesus gave his life for all humanity, while Obama watched Americans get brutally murdered in Benghazi, before going beddy bye....Then, he jetted off to Las Vegas for yet another fundraiser.

Jesus teaches love and forgiveness, while Obama preaches division and envy.

Jesus had his 12 disciples, while Obama has his 37 leftist czars.

My Savior's Father wrote The Ten Commandments, while Obama is a devotee of Saul Alinsky's Rules For Radicals, which was dedicated to Lucifer.

Jesus broke bread, blessed it, and told his disciples "Take this and eat it, for this is my body." (Matthew 26:26), while Obama broke and killed many bodies, selling guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers in Operation Fast And Furious.

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

The newly "re-elected" President is SO POPULAR,  Americans from all 50 states have signed petitions TO SECEDE FROM THE UNION.

The Child Dictator came into office promising to be the great unifier. Instead, millions of patriotic Americans want to break the country up because of him and his corrupt administration. I guess the darned spoil sports just can't stand the sight of the first black president winning re-election.

Your bushy-tailed rebel is ambivalent towards this movement. I would like to preserve the United States (Man, I never thought I'd EVER write or say THAT). On the other hand, Our Child Dictator just stole the election, and commits crimes against this country almost on an hourly basis.

As crazy as it is to talk about secession, free people have a right to dissolve the United States if that's what they want to do.

So, if this IS a growing movement, I think that it deserves an official song. Submitted for your approval, is my song for the secession movement....

....A song parody of Taylor Swift's groovy break-up super-hit, "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together". C'mon' secessionists, sing it proud:

Remember when America broke up that other time
The southern states said,"We've had enough," 'cause like
And there was a really bloody Civil War
And there was lots of blood and guts and death and gore
Now there's a commie jerk who thinks he is God
The jerk promised hope and change-the fraud 
He said, 'Trust me. Then he lied and lied.
He seems to think The Constitution is two-ply

Ooooh ooooh ooooh ooooh ooooh Then we watched him steal the election
So, ooooh ooooh ooooh ooooh ooooh This time We're telling you. We're telling you

We are never ever ever getting back together
Hey Blue states, we don't see the point of staying together
So, Lets draw lines, that side's yours,
This side's mine and we'll be fine
And let's not ever ever ever get back together
Time to sever

We're really gonna miss ObamaCare (Yeah, Right!)
And being ruled by The Empty Chair (Yeah Right!)
And he, hammers away at our freedoms with 37 czars,
his lyin' media whores, and his friends at CAIR

Ooooh ooooh ooooh ooooh ooooh Hey there little liberal loonies, There is a recourse
Ooooh ooooh ooooh ooooh ooooh This time We're telling you. We want a divorce.

We are never ever ever getting back together
Blue states, we don't see the point of staying together
So, Let's draw lines, That side's yours
This side's mine and we'll be fine
And let's not ever ever ever get back together

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Barack, The Phony President Of America

In August, I parodied "John, The Phony King Of England", a song from Disney's animated version of "Robin Hood".

In this highly catchy song, Little John and the merry critters of Sherwood Forest ridicule the corrupt, childish Prince John. The scene reminds me of the conservative critters on my Twitter timeline, mocking our own phony King Barack.

My Twitter timeline has blown up with stories of massive Democrat vote fraud, so I thought I'd give this parody another try. C'mon kids, sing along:

Well, history will say how on Election Day
Team Obama committed fraud
And now they gloat how they suppressed the vote
while the compliant media nods
We all know the machines were rigged
Mitt votes went to Barack
The media lies, we're disenfranchised
It came as no big shock

As corrupt as he is inept
We don't know where the votes are kept
Obama is the phony President of America
A pox on the phony President of America!

He sits alone on a giant throne
Acting like he's the king
He sold guns and diverted funds
As Soros pulls the strings
And he stood with The Brotherhood
while our people in Benghazi died
The useless hack, and his lying flacks
They really have a lot to hide

As president he really sucks
The tough questions he always ducks
A pox on the phony President of America!

He taxes us into the poorhouse
and attacks free enterprise
We want to work, but the leftist jerk
wants a government that's super-sized
We all know he suppressed the votes
with the help of leftist hacks
We'll find a way to make them pay
and take our country back

Hey Mitt, we all know you won
overturning this thing will be fun
From the phony President of America
The lying, flying
The vote buying
Angry Nation
Blundering, plundering
Sleazy, greazy
Barack, the phony President of America

Monday, November 12, 2012

The Best Is Yet To Come

On Election Night, I watched the presidency slip away on my Twitter timeline, and listened to Hugh Hewitt, Ed Morrissey, and James Lileks.  I couldn't stand to watch any of the Election Night TV coverage.

While I didn't watch Obama's acceptance speech, I can imagine what his trusty teleprompter told him to say. Here is an excerpt thru my TruthTeller 3000:

Thank you.....thank you.....thanks.....Don't faint....

I would like to thank my vanquished opponent Mitt Romney for a SPIRITED campaign.

Now is the time for America to come together and accept me as your dictator for life, or until those dirty Republican meanies try to impeach me for the myriad of crimes I've committed against the country.

Until that time, I can promise right here that THE BEST IS YET TO COME. Pretty soon you'll want to throw away those Obama Phones I bribed you with. All I can say to my voters is that I'm gonna leave something really nice in your Christmas stocking.

Don't worry. Those evil rich folks will be paying for everything.

My friends, now is the time for compromise, and let me make this clear. It will be MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY!

Thank you......thanks.....Don't hyperventilate, ma'am, I'm not God. Not yet.

Under my sterling leadership, the private sector is DOING JUST FINE, but I am not satisfied. In my second administration, I promise to lower the sea levels. I mean it this time.

I believe I have gone ten whole minutes without boasting that I killed Osama bin Laden. Osama is dead and GM is ALIVE!

Now that I WON, it's important for the other side to compromise. In other words, I'm gonna raise taxes on those eeevil rich folks, and it would be a bad idea to oppose ANYTHING I do. Don't even try!

Four years ago, my teleprompter told me to say that we are days away from FUNDAMENTALLY TRANSFORMING AMERICA. Four years from tonight, I promise you, my brain-dead subjects, that NOBODY will be able to even recognize this country anymore!


Thank you!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

How Did Obama Do It?

On Sunday, it seemed that Mitt Romney enjoyed a sizable advantage among Independent voters. On election night, that advantage was gobbled up by Barack Obama's vote fraud machine.

That, and his base of Hispanic voters, black voters, and single women who voted with their lady parts.

But let's not gloss over the Democrat vote fraud machine. Our military people serving the country overseas didn't receive their absentee ballots in time, and they were disenfranchised by Team Obama. Meanwhile, illegal aliens in Nevada were pushed into buses, threatened with deportation, and transported to polling places, courtesy of Obama's unionista allies.

Americans from all over the fruited plain stood in long lines on Tuesday, only to be told by election workers that they had already voted. In Ohio, Scores of Americans complained to poll workers that the touch-screen machines weren't working properly.

In every case, each voter were trying to vote for Romney, but the machine would count the vote as one for Obama.

In The Buckeye State, one in every five votes was bogus.

In Philadelphia, Republican poll watchers were thrown out, and in one polling station, the people voted with a mural of Our Dear Leader watching them. It was finally covered.

Meanwhile, ten Colorado counties revealed a total voter registration that exceeded 100% of their residents of eligible voting age. One county has a voter registration of 140%.


Americans stood in long lines on Election Day. The GOP base were willing to crawl through glass for the opportunity to be rid of this divisive, leftist president.

Election Day 2012 closely resembled Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day, yet the media is telling us that 2.3 million FEWER people voted for the ticket of Romney/Ryan than McCain/Palin in 2008.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent does not believe this for a second. I want to know what is really going on.

Team Obama have sharp elbows. They are street fighters from the most corrupt city in America. They also disenfranchised the absentee military voters in 2008.

One more fact: Barack Obama lost every state that has a voter I.D. law. Something is rotten here

When our friends on the other side speak glowingly about 'Obama's superior ground game', much of that includes the suppression of our military vote, rigging vote machines, stealing votes, and other methods of election fraud.

Former President Charles Logan Congratulates Obama

Dateline Tuesday: After the networks called it for Our Dear Leader, the Obama news media broke out the party hats, while many of the worlds most corrupt and evil dictators congratulated The One.

Russian strongman Vladimir Putin sent his best to Obama. So did the psychotic Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Venezuelan Dictator Hugo Chavez also sent Obama his best.

Even a former U.S. president sent Barry his best-Former President Charles Logan. Here is his message:

Bravvvvo! Mr. President.

Congratulations on your re-election. I am in awe of your sublime unscrupulousness. I am amazed that anyone who has devastated America as you have can win re-election, but you did. I tip my hat to you sir.

You've wrecked the economy, and heaped insults upon the private sector. You've TARGETED entire industries! You've screwed the taxpayer, and showered your supporters with money as well as Obama Phones. And I thought I had no shame!

What you did with Benghazi was a masterstroke of outrage! I have witnessed you for the last four years, and wonder if indeed you were even born with a conscience! Your callousness amazes me, jetting off to Vegas while Americans are being murdered.

I can only wonder just what I could have gotten away with if I had ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, and MSNBC covering for me the way they suck up to you. Perhaps, I would have gotten away with the murder of former President David Palmer.

But there again, I also had Jack Bauer on my case. And my crazy wife.

Then there's Operation Fast And Furious. Selling guns to Mexican drug dealers? You are the most emotionally-detached, ethically-challenged, creepy individual I have ever seen, and I admire you.

As for your re-election campaign....It was a masterpiece of lies, sleaze, and fraud.

You and that magnificent sonofabitch Attorney General of yours trample on The Constitution is ways that I ( and the writers of "24") could never even imagine.

I salute you, Sir.

Fmr. President Charles Logan.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Behold, The Democrat Vote Fraud Machine

Presidential challenger Mitt Romney has opened a small lead on incumbent Barack Hussein Obama, yet many in the Obama media are telling us that Our Dear Leader has the lead.

Republicans are overlooking an important factor when looking at poll data. Democrats cheat and lie relentlessly.

They are trying to build a bandwagon effect, and discourage Romney supporters. They do this while accusing conservatives of voter suppression.

Lenny Curry, the Chairman of the Florida Republican Party, received a letter falsely stating that he is ineligible to vote. Many other Floridians have also received this letter.

They were all Republican. The authorities are looking into this.

In Ohio, or as Barack Obama spells it, Oiho, busloads of non-English speaking Somalis are being bussed around the state, and 'instructed' to vote for 'Brown'. Our sources believe that 'vote for Brown' means Ohio's uber-leftist Senator Sherrod Brown.

Hugh Hewitt wrote a book a while back, 'If It's Not Close, They Can't Cheat'. The radio host gives conservatives a heads-up concerning The Democrats penchant for dirty election tricks involving dead voters, Dems voting multiple times, and voter intimidation.

Here in Minnesota, we are voting on a new voter I.D. Law. Some Democrats believe that The Gopher State has no vote fraud problem. Of course, if you win elections by cheating, you're not going to see vote fraud as a problem.

I refer to Secretary of State Mark Ritchie and his cohorts as 'ElectionStealers R Us.'

All across America, Romney voters are complaining about touch screen machines that change votes for Romney into votes for Obama. It's strange that these machines never change an Obama vote to a vote for Romney. Your bushy-tailed correspondent recommends that you always triple-check your vote.

Recently, a plane carrying ballots for active duty military went down. I'm sure that was only a coincidence.

I think that Mitt Romney will have to win the popular vote by at least 7 points just to win a clear victory. Barack Obama and his armada of lawyers are ready to contest the election if it's even close.

Oh, and this just in: 40 buses from Chicago have arrived in Iowa. Must be vacationers or something.

If you see voter fraud, or something that doesn't look right, call The National Election Integrity Hotline at 855.444.6100.