The RedSquirrel Report sent a correspondent to The North Pole to file a report. We thought that with all the trouble in the world, and with all the terrible news in America, we would do a fun report from Santa's Toy Shop. However, what we found was a very angry Santa Claus.
Mr. Kringle showed our correspondent around the massive toy shop, as the elves were enjoying their 20-minute 'smoke break'. We sat down with the big guy himself, although when we mentioned America, his jolly demeanor changed. He explained:
"Your President has been sending his NLRB thugs to strong arm me into unionizing. We have NEVER unionized, and never will. We could go belly-up if we are forced to offer pensions. My elves already have a great deal. If that jack a$$ Obama keeps this up, I'm gonna put a steaming reindeer turd in his stocking!"
Mr. Claus also referred to an incident in October, when Obama ordered armed federal agents to storm his toy guitar plant. We asked Obama's Attorney General Eric Holder about this incident, and he explained to us that Santa's Toyshop has been making toy guitars with an illegally imported wood from Sri Lanka. Santa dismisses the Attorney General's charge:
"What really pisses me off is that we are not under the jurisdiction of The United States of America. When Obama had the Gibson Guitar plant in Memphis stormed, that really torqued me off. But now, those pricks are coming after us. I don't want to sound too conspiratorial, but I think that they are coming after us to pressure us into unionizing".
We also met with the lovable elves. Once again, the cheerful elves had some strong words for President Obama. We spoke to the North Pole's official dentist, Dr. Hermie DDS. He had just finished putting some dental implants in for a patient. The huge, hairy, 20-foot patient previously had all his large teeth taken out by Dr. Hermie.
"If any of those unionista douchebags try coming back, I hope that my buddy (The Abominable Snow Bumble) bites them!"
Also, the Obama Administration has contacted Santa's Toy Shop with concerns that the operation has contributed to global warming. We asked Doctor Hermie's former boss about this.
"Global warming, my A$$", he laughed derisively. "I haven't heard anything this ridiculous since Hermie said that he wanted to be a dentist. We've got lots of snow, and it has actually gotten a little cooler in the last 20 years. Damned Marxist jerks!"
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
I Hear That Penn State Needs A Defensive Assistent
Yesterday, Massachusetts Representative Barney Frank announced that he won't be seeking a 17th term in Congress. A RedSquirrel Report microphone was there for the major announcement:
"I have decided to not seek a 17th term in Congress. It would've been a hard, hard campaign. It's best if my seat is an open seat. I have other things that I am thinking of doing next. I hear that Penn State needs a defensive assistant. I was also thinking about re-opening that gay brothel with my fwiend, Steven Goby. I like the idea of naming it 'Fanny Mae'.
As you know, my old seat was gerrymandered. (Wow, that sounded vaguely perverse.) I will miss my colleagues, my constituents, and ESPECIALLY, the under-aged congressional pages. Thank you."
"I have decided to not seek a 17th term in Congress. It would've been a hard, hard campaign. It's best if my seat is an open seat. I have other things that I am thinking of doing next. I hear that Penn State needs a defensive assistant. I was also thinking about re-opening that gay brothel with my fwiend, Steven Goby. I like the idea of naming it 'Fanny Mae'.
As you know, my old seat was gerrymandered. (Wow, that sounded vaguely perverse.) I will miss my colleagues, my constituents, and ESPECIALLY, the under-aged congressional pages. Thank you."
What This World Needs Is A Sequel....
....and that sequel is "Mannequin 2". In the 1987 original, Kim Cattrell was an Egyptian who became a girl trapped inside 'the body' of department store mannequin. Andrew McCarthy was a guy who builds, then falls in love with this mannequin (named Emmy). She would come to life, but only HE could see the real girl.
My idea centers around a 19th Century Mormon (Let's call him 'Mitt'). He is at the threshold of death, when he learns that the angel named Joseph is renovating Mitt's heavenly palace, and that God will let Mitt travel into the future....as long as he finds a body to inhabit.
'Mitt' (I'm thinking that Matt Dillon would be good in this role) travels to New Hampshire, Michigan, Utah, and Massachusetts, and flip-flops around, before he finds himself inhabiting a department store mannequin.
Meanwhile, it is an election year, and all of the Republican candidates seem to be floundering. A political operative. played by Kim Cattrall (Emmy), sees Mitt, and falls for him. She believes that he looks quite presidential, with his perfect hair and telegenic looks. The only problem is that he appears to be alive only to her.
The angel Joseph appears to her, and grants her wish that the American people sees the living, breathing man she sees. And so, Joseph grants her wish. Emmy and Mitt board their campaign bus, and as they flip pancakes and as he kisses babies, we are treated to the campaign theme song, the 1987 number one smash hit, "Nothings Gonna Stop Us Now", by Starship.
Joseph re-appears to Emmy, and tells her that 'Mitt' must go to Mormon Heaven on Election Day. The American people learn of this development, and must make their decision accordingly. Either vote for Mitt's opponent, a leftist busybody, or Mitt the mannequin. As it turns out, the mannequin wins in a landslide. The American people chooses the government 'that governs least governs best'.
Very little is done in four years. We have divided government. The people rejoice. The end.
My idea centers around a 19th Century Mormon (Let's call him 'Mitt'). He is at the threshold of death, when he learns that the angel named Joseph is renovating Mitt's heavenly palace, and that God will let Mitt travel into the future....as long as he finds a body to inhabit.
'Mitt' (I'm thinking that Matt Dillon would be good in this role) travels to New Hampshire, Michigan, Utah, and Massachusetts, and flip-flops around, before he finds himself inhabiting a department store mannequin.
Meanwhile, it is an election year, and all of the Republican candidates seem to be floundering. A political operative. played by Kim Cattrall (Emmy), sees Mitt, and falls for him. She believes that he looks quite presidential, with his perfect hair and telegenic looks. The only problem is that he appears to be alive only to her.
The angel Joseph appears to her, and grants her wish that the American people sees the living, breathing man she sees. And so, Joseph grants her wish. Emmy and Mitt board their campaign bus, and as they flip pancakes and as he kisses babies, we are treated to the campaign theme song, the 1987 number one smash hit, "Nothings Gonna Stop Us Now", by Starship.
Joseph re-appears to Emmy, and tells her that 'Mitt' must go to Mormon Heaven on Election Day. The American people learn of this development, and must make their decision accordingly. Either vote for Mitt's opponent, a leftist busybody, or Mitt the mannequin. As it turns out, the mannequin wins in a landslide. The American people chooses the government 'that governs least governs best'.
Very little is done in four years. We have divided government. The people rejoice. The end.
Move Over, Garrison Keiller.
Move over, Garrison Keiller. Lake Woebegone is like, so yesterday. The books and the NPR radio program really isn't that relevant to anyone in post-911 America.
Welcome to MinneDushu Days. MinneDushu Days is the brainchild of blogger/pod caster Ted Ebson.
In the mid-1990's, the civil war in Somalia created a refugee crisis. With the wind-down of hostilities in the war-torn nation, many Somalis were looking to emigrate to America. Minnesota Democrats, obsessed with political correctness and looking for more DFL voters, invited about 40,000 Somali emigrants into the Twin Cities area. Ebson states:
"What follows is a real culture clash, complete with zany honor killings, Muslim grocery workers who refuse to handle pig products, cabbies who refuse to allow dogs or alcohol into their cabs, and emigrants who return to their homeland to take up arms in the next wave in the war".
Ebson says that he would have liked to have hired character actor/voice over artist Mason Adams ("With a name like Smuckers, it has to be good") to play the role of narrator, but the actor died in 2005.
"Here you have a melting pot of conflict-averse Minnesota liberals, and the new residents. The Twin Cities neighborhood was formerly known as the Kenwoody Neighborhood.
The capitol of Somalia is Mogadishu, hence the new name of the neighborhood is MinneDishu. As is the case in real life, a radical Muslim is elected to Congress, with the vast support of the new emigrants from Somalia, as well as the liberal Dhimmicrats."
Ebson took the idea to Minnesota Public Radio, but was shown the door by MPR security. The new podcast is scheduled to start streaming sometime next year.
Welcome to MinneDushu Days. MinneDushu Days is the brainchild of blogger/pod caster Ted Ebson.
In the mid-1990's, the civil war in Somalia created a refugee crisis. With the wind-down of hostilities in the war-torn nation, many Somalis were looking to emigrate to America. Minnesota Democrats, obsessed with political correctness and looking for more DFL voters, invited about 40,000 Somali emigrants into the Twin Cities area. Ebson states:
"What follows is a real culture clash, complete with zany honor killings, Muslim grocery workers who refuse to handle pig products, cabbies who refuse to allow dogs or alcohol into their cabs, and emigrants who return to their homeland to take up arms in the next wave in the war".
Ebson says that he would have liked to have hired character actor/voice over artist Mason Adams ("With a name like Smuckers, it has to be good") to play the role of narrator, but the actor died in 2005.
"Here you have a melting pot of conflict-averse Minnesota liberals, and the new residents. The Twin Cities neighborhood was formerly known as the Kenwoody Neighborhood.
The capitol of Somalia is Mogadishu, hence the new name of the neighborhood is MinneDishu. As is the case in real life, a radical Muslim is elected to Congress, with the vast support of the new emigrants from Somalia, as well as the liberal Dhimmicrats."
Ebson took the idea to Minnesota Public Radio, but was shown the door by MPR security. The new podcast is scheduled to start streaming sometime next year.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
GBTL Wants Glen Beck's GBTV Shut Down....Or The Name Changed
Angry sodomites across the fruited plain may be filing a lawsuit against conservative media figure Glenn Beck in the upcoming weeks.
It seems that many in the GBTL community are mistakenly ordering Beck's on-line talk channel, GBTV. As gay lawyer, Gavin Dangle lisped:
"I thought that I was ordering The Gay Bisexual Transgendered Video channel, not Glenn Beck TV. This is a travesty! Why would I want anything that reprehensible reptile is peddling?..."
Meanwhile, Chairman of WWE Entertainment (formerly WWF, World Wrestling Federation) Vince McMahon is advising the conservative broadcaster to change the name.
"I advise Mr. Beck to change the name of his channel. As you know, some liberal crapweasels from The World Wildlife Fund sued me and my company, World Wrestling Federation. The communist jack-asses somehow think they own everything, even initials".
Beck is currently consulting with a lawyer about this matter.
It seems that many in the GBTL community are mistakenly ordering Beck's on-line talk channel, GBTV. As gay lawyer, Gavin Dangle lisped:
"I thought that I was ordering The Gay Bisexual Transgendered Video channel, not Glenn Beck TV. This is a travesty! Why would I want anything that reprehensible reptile is peddling?..."
Meanwhile, Chairman of WWE Entertainment (formerly WWF, World Wrestling Federation) Vince McMahon is advising the conservative broadcaster to change the name.
"I advise Mr. Beck to change the name of his channel. As you know, some liberal crapweasels from The World Wildlife Fund sued me and my company, World Wrestling Federation. The communist jack-asses somehow think they own everything, even initials".
Beck is currently consulting with a lawyer about this matter.
When Black Friday Shoppers Attack
On the Friday after each Thanksgiving, Americans shake off their triyptophan coma, and engage in an all-out, psychotic orgy of avarice and greed, commonly referred to as 'Black Friday'. It's great entertainment for us that take a rain check, and watch the news accounts on TV. People pushing, crushing, and runniing over friend and foe alike, as they struggle to find that television set with that magic '15% off' sticker.
There was that crazy woman in Los Angeles who pepper-sprayed the other shoppers, and there were also American shoppers who were shot on Friday. But nobody could hold a candle to the craziest shoppers of them all.
On Thursday morning, Norma Ridgeway and Joy Rikkets, just a couple a fun-loving ladies from Alburquerque, New Mexico, had a plan.
The plan was to steal a tank from the local Army base, and clean out the local WalMart. Then, at 2400 hours, just before the midnight madness was to begin, they would break the WalMart doors with their tank, and clean out the retail universe.
Our heroes arrived at the local Army base thirty minutes before midnight, and Norma distracted the lone guard on duty, while Joy revved up the tank. When the guard had his back turned to investigate the noise, Norma pulled a gun on him. With the guard subdued, the gals were on their way to some incredible supersavings.
At 11:53 on Thursday night, the crowd was rabid, and WalMart greeters and employees were getting ready to be trampled by insane shoppers. Just then, the tank arrived, smashing in the front doors.
After their spree of mayhem and some incredible deals, the girls jumped back into their tank, and were last seen heading towards the U.S.-Mexico border.
There seems to be squabbling between Federal law officials, the New Mexico National Guard, and military leaders. Nobody wants to retrieve the tank. As one commander states:
"I've done 3 tours in Iraq. I've seen friends lose limbs, seen comrades killed, but I don't ever think that it's worth the trouble of messin' with shoppers on Black Friday. Those people are just plain crazy!"
There was that crazy woman in Los Angeles who pepper-sprayed the other shoppers, and there were also American shoppers who were shot on Friday. But nobody could hold a candle to the craziest shoppers of them all.
On Thursday morning, Norma Ridgeway and Joy Rikkets, just a couple a fun-loving ladies from Alburquerque, New Mexico, had a plan.
The plan was to steal a tank from the local Army base, and clean out the local WalMart. Then, at 2400 hours, just before the midnight madness was to begin, they would break the WalMart doors with their tank, and clean out the retail universe.
Our heroes arrived at the local Army base thirty minutes before midnight, and Norma distracted the lone guard on duty, while Joy revved up the tank. When the guard had his back turned to investigate the noise, Norma pulled a gun on him. With the guard subdued, the gals were on their way to some incredible supersavings.
At 11:53 on Thursday night, the crowd was rabid, and WalMart greeters and employees were getting ready to be trampled by insane shoppers. Just then, the tank arrived, smashing in the front doors.
After their spree of mayhem and some incredible deals, the girls jumped back into their tank, and were last seen heading towards the U.S.-Mexico border.
There seems to be squabbling between Federal law officials, the New Mexico National Guard, and military leaders. Nobody wants to retrieve the tank. As one commander states:
"I've done 3 tours in Iraq. I've seen friends lose limbs, seen comrades killed, but I don't ever think that it's worth the trouble of messin' with shoppers on Black Friday. Those people are just plain crazy!"
Sunday, November 20, 2011
I Am.................Creepy Mask Guy!
We at The RedSquirrel Report believe in giving equal time to all points of view. So, in our never-ending quest for journalistic excellence, we have invited Creepy Mask Guy (he's the guy who wears that creepy Guy Fawkes mask at the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations) to share his manifesto with America. Take it away, Creepy Mask Guy:
"Thank you, rodent reporter. I am Creepy Mask Guy. Perhaps you have seen me and my creepy mask at all of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations across the country. You filthy capitalist pigs think that there are thousands of protesters with the creepy mask, but in reality, I am the ONLY ONE! I am a man of mystery and, am able to be everywhere at once!
Now, on to my Creepy Mask Guy Manifesto!
We are the 99%, and will take Wall Street down! These dirty bankers lend us money for college, but they don't guarantee us a six-figure salary. For instance, I have been in college for the last 8 years, and I think that I will have that BA in French Philosophy sometime in 2013. I have to pay back about $160,000. And so, I don this Creepy Mask to wreak havoc on you, Wall Street!
We are the 99%, so that means that there are a whole lot more of us than there are of you! This is a democracy. The mob rules! So, if we want to crap on cop car, WE WILL! If we decide to disrupt the subway system, making it harder for you janitors, waitresses, and dishwashers to get to your job, JUST LIVE WITH IT! You cannot stop us.
There is a good reason why the poor and down-trodden side with us, and wonderful people like George Soros, President Obama, and Nancy Pelosi sing our praises. It's because, they also hate those evil people who work for a living. You may think that you bastards who get up at 6:00 a.m. to go to your job are safe from us, the 99% YOU ARE WRONG!!!! Eventually, we do get get out of bed, and WE WILL confront you!
You think that we will quit. Au Contraire! (I was thinking about majoring in French)....We will fester like a boil on the neck of this dirty capitalist system until we finally get what we want! After a few more meetings of The Occupy Wall Street Committee, we will get back to you!
I am....Creepy Mask Guy!"
"Thank you, rodent reporter. I am Creepy Mask Guy. Perhaps you have seen me and my creepy mask at all of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations across the country. You filthy capitalist pigs think that there are thousands of protesters with the creepy mask, but in reality, I am the ONLY ONE! I am a man of mystery and, am able to be everywhere at once!
Now, on to my Creepy Mask Guy Manifesto!
We are the 99%, and will take Wall Street down! These dirty bankers lend us money for college, but they don't guarantee us a six-figure salary. For instance, I have been in college for the last 8 years, and I think that I will have that BA in French Philosophy sometime in 2013. I have to pay back about $160,000. And so, I don this Creepy Mask to wreak havoc on you, Wall Street!
We are the 99%, so that means that there are a whole lot more of us than there are of you! This is a democracy. The mob rules! So, if we want to crap on cop car, WE WILL! If we decide to disrupt the subway system, making it harder for you janitors, waitresses, and dishwashers to get to your job, JUST LIVE WITH IT! You cannot stop us.
There is a good reason why the poor and down-trodden side with us, and wonderful people like George Soros, President Obama, and Nancy Pelosi sing our praises. It's because, they also hate those evil people who work for a living. You may think that you bastards who get up at 6:00 a.m. to go to your job are safe from us, the 99% YOU ARE WRONG!!!! Eventually, we do get get out of bed, and WE WILL confront you!
You think that we will quit. Au Contraire! (I was thinking about majoring in French)....We will fester like a boil on the neck of this dirty capitalist system until we finally get what we want! After a few more meetings of The Occupy Wall Street Committee, we will get back to you!
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