For You Keeping Score At Home

Benghazi, Fast And Furious, The IRS targeting The Tea Party, The NSA, selling arms to our enemies, corruption in the Attorney General's office, Healthcare.gov, Solyndra, ignoring Congress, ignoring The Constitution, election fraud, and harassing Gibson Guitars are phony scandals....

....Bridgegate is a major scandal.

Exclusive: Our I-Team Investigates The Light Bulb Black Market

On Jan 1, the incandescent light bulb became illegal. Thousands of Americans purchased large quantities of the classic light bulbs for the final time on December 31.

Congress, always knowing what's best for us, made light bulbs illegal a few years back because they were led to believe that the newer, mercury-filled pig-tailed florescent light bulbs were better for the environment.

The RedSquirrel Report I-Team has discovered a dark, dangerous underbelly in this important story, as criminals have begun selling the illegal incandescent light bulbs on the black market.

Meet 'Elliot'. He works in The F.B.I. Illegal Illumination Division. His job is to uphold this new law. He explains:

Last week we raided a hideout where some criminals were hoarding about 4,000 of the offending light bulbs. We threw the criminals against the wall, and opened about 40 crates, using pick-axes, then we threw the light bulbs to the floor, smashing them.

I sure hope the government doesn't make the new pig-tailed bulbs illegal. Those things are filled with mercury.

I'm glad that The Mafia is staying out of this. We have all we can handle with them dealing in drugs and prostitution. Light bulbs are bad news.

Our reporter also ran into to an 'illegal dealer' wearing an over-sized coat. We named him 'Rodney' to protect his identity:

(Opening his coat, showing a potential buyer his light bulbs) Pssst. Hey, Wanna buy a light bulb? Only $15 a bulb. I got yer light bulbs. 150-watt, 100-watt, 60-watt. You want it....I got it.

Yeah, when Congress created this black market, they also created a whole bunch of unintended consequences. I think a guy can get rich doing this.   

Stay tuned, as The RedSquirrel Report stays on top of this important story.

GLAAD VP: Christians Should Stay In The Closet

Liberal fascists are on the warpath, as A&E had suspended Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson, a grade school suspended a 7-year-old child for 'sexual harassment', and King Barack has suspended The Constitution.

Mr. Robertson was suspended by A&E following his statements in a GQ article concerning homosexuality, which he called a sin.

After getting an earful from the fans of Duck Dynasty and proponents of free speech, The A&E Channel saw the folly of suspending the popular Duck Dynasty patriarch, and reversed their decision. This outraged the always-tolerant gang at GLAAD.

The RedSquirrel Report believes in sharing ALL points of view, so we invited Gavin Barris, Vice President of the New York Chapter of GLAAD to SHARE his FEELINGS concerning the re-instatement of Mr. Robertson. Take it away:

First of all, I am absolutely OUTRAGED that The A&E Channel re-instated that homophobe Phil Robertson. That inbred hick has insulted the gay community with his statements. I am hotter than a flaming pink peacock. 

How DARE that......CHRISTIAN show his face in public? He has a right to exercise his religious beliefs, just not in the public square. It says that right in the First Amendment.

We have taken over the universities and public education. How it is even possible for bitter-clingin' bigots like Mr. Robertson even be allowed to have his own television show? This is INTOLERABLE!

Speaking of tolerance, I am so glaad that the Muslims are on our side of this important issue.

Thank you.

AG Holder Picks Bosserman To Investigate The IRS. In Other News....

Obama donor Barbara Bosserman has been picked by Attorney General Eric Holder to investigate the brewing IRS 'scandal', involving The Obama Regime and his political opponents. Obama's critics are questioning this move, for it smacks of conflict of interest, but Holder's defenders say there is no such conflict. Oh wait, this just in:

Colonel Sanders has just been chosen by Eric Holder to investigate the mistreatment of chickens.  The RedSquirrel Report has just learned that the take-out food mogul will form a task force and investigate the violation of their civil rights.

Hold on! Stop the presses! Now your bushy-tailed correspondent has learned that former President Bill Clinton has been picked to head the new Sexual Harassment division of the Justice Department.

Oh, now I'm just getting this: Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has JUST been picked to head the all-important investigation into what happened in Benghazi.

We at The RedSquirrel Report are happy to report that The Obama Regime is cleaning up all of the corruption in Washington.

Our Correspondent Reports From Antarctica

The crew of the ship MV Akademik Shokalskiy set a course to Antarctica to show the world the crippling effects of man-made global warming, but instead got itself stuck in thick ice. The 'climate research' expedition, led by professor of climate change Chris Turney from The University of New South Wales in Australia, had been stuck since Christmas Eve.

The RedSquirrel Report sent our correspondent to the bottom of the world, and he files this report:

Thanks, 'Squirrel. Wow, it's cold here! I wish you were here....you'd be freezing yer nuts off.

So, these hysterical 'global warming' alarmists wanted to show the world the devastating effects of man-made 'global warming', and now they got their freezing tit in a ringer. As Alanis Morrissette would say, 'Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?'

The leftist media tools refuse to tell the people the purpose of this expedition was to show the world the devastating effects of  'global warming.' They wanted to show the world a lonely polar bear floating away on a tiny plate of ice, instead they got quite a surprise.

There has been repeated attempts to rescue this ship, but everybody keeps getting stuck in all this damn ice.

I have one more thing to say to these global warming hacks before my helicopter takes me back....

Correspondent Yakov Smirnoff At The DeBlasio Inauguration

Last week, New York City swore in it's first Communist Mayor, Bill DeBlasio. The RedSquirrel Report sent our new correspondent, Yakov Smirnoff, to cover this joyous event. Take it away, Yakov:

Wow, thank you, RedSquirrel. heh, heh, heh....New York! WHAT A CITY!

The City that never sleeps swore in it's first Communist Mayor. I guess new mayor DeBlasio was looking for an impeached, disbarred official to administer his oath, and he got his wish, as impeached former President Bill Clinton swore him in.

Mayor DeBlasio's first priority is to do away with horse-drawn carriages. Finally, a leader who has his priorities straight! Heh, heh, heh....

If I had to boil down DeBlasio's public safety agenda, he wants to make EVERYTHING ILLEGAL, but the police better not try to arrest you. He wants to do away with 'Stop and Frisk,' although I understand he'll taser you if you're caught trying to escape New York's oppressive taxes.

I feel safer already!

He and Comrade Obama are friends, so if you can't find a party---Don't worry. The party (AND THE NSA) will find you. Heh, heh, heh....

It appears that DeBlasio will continue Nanny Bloomberg's ban on large drinks, fast cars, salt, fatty foods, ect. That's O.K., cause with this Communist Mayor in charge, nobody will be able to afford a large drink, fatty foods, or a fast car. Heh, heh, heh...What a CITY!

New Mayor DeBlasio wants to do away with 'income inequality.' That's great news for all you 'Pajama Boys' out there. As for you hard-working entrepreneurs and merchants....tough toenails.

I wonder if attacking 'income inequality' also applies to rich city government apparatchiks and public employee unionistas who make twice as much as the private sector workers who pay their salaries?

As for me, I'm thinking about moving to a place of relative freedom. I wonder if Mother Russia will let be come back.

The RedSquirrel's New Year Resolution For 2014

Your bushy-tailed correspondent resolves to anger, annoy, ridicule, foil, lambaste, and drive leftist busybodies and weirdos crazy in 2014. To normal Americans, I say this:

Remain cheerful as we keep fighting. If we do this, we shall reach our goal....to crush our enemies, to drive them out of power, and hear the lamentation of The Regime's mainstream news media, as well as sissified, dependent pajama boys everywhere.

As we do battle with the Kenyan despot in The White House and his leftist minions, I shall keep reminding myself that The Tree of Liberty is re-nourished with the tears of progressives and powermad jack-asses. (Thank you, @exjon from Twitter)

Obamacare must be rejected, and it's supporters must be removed from power. The people must increase our majority in The House, and create a new, pro-freedom majority in The Senate. Then, we must put an end to The Obama Regime.

My friends, this is my New Year's resolution. God Bless.