Where Is Protest Warrior?

Does anybody remember the names Alan Lipton and Kfir Alfia, collectively known as Protest Warrior? They were those guys who would crash the anti-Iraq War/ anti-Bush protests with their comical counter-protest signs. They where highly popular in the alternative news media about six years ago, appearing on Rush Limbaugh's radio show, as well as The NARN.

These days, as I watch these 'Occupy Wall Street' demonstrations all over the country, with their 'lovely' signs that read 'Eat The Rich' or 'Castrate The Jewish Bankers', I would like to see the return of Protest Warrior.

Of course, I have my own mock-up sign ideas:

 

Leave My Nuts Alone

Your bushy-tailed reactionary sees the protest signs from these 'Occupy Wall Street' demonstrations, and wonder if a counter-demonstration is just around the corner.

Like most normal Americans, I generally believe that the government does way more damage to this society than Wall Street, and see the protest signs as proof that the university system has done a mighty fine job of producing at least two generations of dumbed-down, leftist low-lifes.

In the 1700's, a flag was produced that summarized our founding father's passion for freedom. It featured a snake, and four, simple words:  Don't Tread On Me. Watching these demonstrators, four words come this pro-capitalist red squirrel's mind:

As I've posted before, I am fairly industrious, although I am far from financially wealthy. I don't have a lot, but those wealthier than me really don't owe me anything. I don't want their stuff, and I don't want the government taking my stuff and redistributing it. Dig?

Leave My Nuts Alone is my little slogan for all us little shlubs out there that believe in capitalism. It's a slogan for Grover Norquist's Leave Me Alone Coalition, and also describes David Strom's 'think like a conservative even if you're in a liberal's income range' ethos.

My slogan has a ribald sense of humor. It's scatological.  It's upside-down, like an American flag in distress.

Does anybody want to screen print some t-shirts?  If capitalism's going down, at least we can make some money for our trouble.

Racists For Herman Cain

Without a doubt, the most overused and abused word in the English language is the word, 'racist'. If a conservative orders a pizza in Kansas, you can bet your bottom dollar that Harry Belafonte is on his banana boat somewhere, yelling 'Racist!'

Millions of Americans didn't vote for Barack Hussein Obama in 2008. Political scientist Janeanne Garofalo opined that those who didn't sufficiently support The Messiah were racists.  Now, millions of Americans support Republican Herman Cain's candidacy, and Janeanne Garofalo calls THEM racist.

In Adam Carolla's book, 'In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks', Carolla states that for every racist out there, there are about 24 people who really aren't. I want to see his math.

Originally, I supported Sarah Palin's possible presidential run, because I wanted to see the state-run news media's collective head explode. Now, I am looking to Herman Cain as my favorite candidate. In fact, I am interested in screen printing up some t-shirts that read, 'Racists For Herman Cain'.

I think that America has had enough of these chronic race-accusers like Garofalo and Belafonte.  Instead of being so afraid of them, let's laugh at them. Dig?

A RedSquirrel Report Exclusive

We at The RedSquirrel Report have in our possession an explosive, shocking communique from ego maniacal financier George Soros to ego maniacal President Barack Hussein Obama. The subject of this letter is the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations.

This letter is to be read in a thick, creepy Hungarian accent. In part it reads:


Dear Mr. President,
I trust that you have received my latest campaign contribution. 'Father' says 'hi.' He just 'finished' watching the news. That Nancy Pelosi really turns him on.

We are quite pleased with the international turmoil that Micheal (Lerner) and the gang are causing. I knew that destroying the primary educational system would come in handy. Our takeover of the universities have brought America to it's knees!  From that nutcase in Los Angeles screaming for bloody revolution to that idiot crapping on the police car to the wacky signs.....I am sure glad that we have all those willing, useful little idiots to distract the country.

Only those troublemakers on talk radio and the right-wing blogosphere seems to be concerned with Solyndra, LightSquared, and Fast And Furious. This Communist revolution seems to be the perfect distraction. As for our friends in the news media, my army of  false prophets have dumbed down the public to the point that over 40% still support YOU!

And you're TRYING to destroy what's left of the free market system!

The revolution is so close. All we need is some violent reaction from the authorities. Just ask MSNBC's Donny Deutch.

We may have trouble keeping Attorney General Holder. If he has to go, father wants you to replace him with Roseanne Barr.

My people are more less pleased with the job you're doing. Soon, we will have our hellish paradise, and it is then when father will spit molten lava into the face of Yahweh himself.

Keep strong.

George.

Open Letter To ESPN Monday Night Football (From Hank Williams Jr.)

From : Hank Williams Jr.

To : ESPN

Dear ESPN,

Are you ready for low ratings? That's what yer gettin' for takin' my theme song off your Monday Night Football telecast.

In the name of political correctness, You guys have shot yourselves in the foot. By taking the ole' Bosephus classic intro away from your fans, all my rowdy friends will not be watching ESPN any more.

In case you hadn't noticed, my song "All My Rowdy Friends", goes perfectly with ANY sport. Are you ready for baseball? hockey? NASCAR? B-Ball? Softball? Swimming? Jai Lai? Bowling? My song will be a theme song again very soon.

It doesn't matter which sport. My song is the perfect sports theme song.

I am also in contract talks with your Monday night competition. When CBS brings "Big Bang Theory" back to Monday nights, my song will be "So you want A BIG BANG?  A Monday Night PARRRR-TEEEE!!!!
WE GOT THREE DORKY GUYS....ANNNND A FINE BLOND HOTTTT-EEEE!"

I am in negotiations with the producers of "Dancing With The Stars". "So you want SOME DANCING!!!!
A WILD DANCING PARTY! We got Chaz Bono and the gang...."

You get the drift, Hoss?

Even the fine folks at "Hawaii Five-O" are thinking of changing their theme song. "Are you ready for some FIVE-O? A CRIMEFIGHTIN' PARTY".

You guys won't be able to escape the mighty Bosephus train! And when it hits, "YOU'LL LOOK LIKE WILEY COYOTE! A SPLITTIN' HEADACHE PARTY!!!!"

You will even hear my song in your nightmares.

Yours truly. Hank.

Why Am I Here?

Today, your bushy-tailed reporter is feeling a little philosophical. I was just pondering the question. "What am I doing here?"

The RedSquirrel Report is mostly a news parody blog. our motto is: Gathering Up, Feasting On, And Snickering At The World's Collective Nuttiness (Since 2011).  My function is making fun of the craziness on planet Earth. Much of this involves making fun of this nation's political scene.

We all know that politicians lie constantly. We know that they are incessantly corrupt. Yet, when they yammer on to their friends in the state-run news media, we somehow forget that they are liars, and are taken in by the picture on the screen and the text on the front page.

I see my blog as a translation of what these liars actually mean when they are lying to you.

Example: President Obama introduces his 'jobs bill'. We all know that he knows absolutely nothing about the real world. We also know that he's the most dishonest, corrupt, and arrogant politician in this country's history. So, when he stands before a friendly crowd, and starts yelling, "PASS THIS BILL!", my internal translator hears, "I want $$$$$$$$ to put in my personal slush fund, and I want to shower my leftist supporters with lotsa goodies!"

But yesterday, something made me wonder if I should just give this up.

Joe Biden, the court jester in the Kingdom of Obama, made an appearance in Flint, Michigan. He practically promised the residents of that depressed city that the rape and murder rate in Flint will explode if the Obama's jobs bill isn't passed.

It was then I almost quit. With Joe Biden around to make these insane pronouncements, I sometimes wonder if there's any point in continuing this news parody blog. 

Please, President Obama. Keep this master of self-parody on as your running mate.

This Presidential Debate Has Been Sponsored By The League Of Men Voters

The Republican presidential candidates took their show to New Hampshire the other night, in a debate moderated by  Charlie Rose. Karen Tumulty and  Juliana Goldman .
Many of these these presidential debates are sponsored by The League Of Women Voters, and nearly every single question ever asked at these debates seems geared toward making young, liberal, women nod their heads and smile.

Example: "How will you lousy Republican candidates strengthen Social Security and cut my baby daddy's payroll tax, so that my daycare and health care costs can be kept under control?"

I wonder why no League Of Men Voters exists. I wish that I could see a presidential debate begin with the following words:

"Good evening. I am Megyn Kelly from Fox News. Tonight's League Of Men Voters Presidential Debate will be co-moderated by Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage, and Hugh Hewitt."