Maybe Marie's Been Harfing Paint Thinner

State Department Spokesperson Marie Harf recently stated that we can't win the war against ISIS by killing them. She went on to say that the reason they kill, behead, and enslave others is because they lack jobs. Twitter exploded with mockery, and she responded by saying that many people don't posses a nuanced enough understanding of this situation.

There are others who believe she's been harfing paint thinner.

We invited Ms. Harf to explain the nuances of dealing with this dangerous, barbaric enemy. Take it away:

Thank you, Mr. Squirrel. As I stated earlier, we cannot win this war by killing our enemies. We should begin by giving these victims of American aggression a new pony. When they round their victims up, behead them, or stick them in cages and burn them alive, they are merely expressing righteous anger against The Great Satan.

And who are we to judge them? Christians should get off their high horse, because 'people of the cross' are responsible for their own injustices against people with different beliefs. 

Can you say 'The Crusades?'

Also, young men join ISIS because there's a terrible lack of job opportunities in that part of the world. What is needed is a job fair. Instead of sending military advisers, we should be sending employment advisers, so that these poor people can empower themselves.

Excuse me, I'm feeling dizzy. Just give me a moment. I'm fine now.

The Obama Administration is working very hard to show them that America doesn't hate them. We have been purging the military of hateful generals, and also we are filling our administration with members of the Muslim Brotherhood. 

If we just show them that we're on their side, they will stop beheading their enemies. 

Thank you.