Friday, February 13, 2015

Condescending Wonka Reports From The 2015 Grammy Awards

Our correspondent Condescending Wonka filed this report from the 57th Annual Grammy Awards:

ACDC started the show with a rousing double shot of Rock Or Bust and Highway To Hell. Frankly, I haven't seen this many devil horns since I covered The Democratic National Convention in 2012.

Jeff Lynne performed the E.L.O. classic, Mr. Blue Sky, while many of the rappers in the auditorium appeared puzzled. Many of them have never heard real music before.

56-year-old Madonna arrived dressed as a kinky matador. Last year, she came as the man on the Quaker Oats box. She mooned everybody on the red carpet, showing off her 56-year-old ass.

Dear Hollywood, I have an idea for your next horror movie. The working title is The 56-Year-old Ass.

Beck won the Album Of The Year Award, but our friend Kanye West tried to crash his acceptance speech. Apparently, he wanted to deliver a victory speech for nominee Beyonce. Perhaps if he complained enough, The Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences would overturn the result. I hope that Kanye's mommy found his pacifier.

Maybe Kanye could organize a recall election, and strip Beck of the Grammy Award. It's a complete injustice when a White artist who can play 14 instruments wins over a Black singer who needs only 4 songwriters to write her hit song. Black Lives Matter!!!

Of course, Our Dear Leader President Obama made a videotaped appearance, speaking up against domestic abuse. He looked like a malaria victim, sweating profusely. Did he have a fight with FLOTUS? Maybe he was in the White House weight room, power-lifting 2lb weights.

As the president spoke, Chris Brown lowered his head and blushed.

The big winner was Tom Petty. As Grammy-winning new-comer Sam Smith sang 'Stay With Me' with Mary J. Blige, I heard people seated in the cheap seats sing 'I Won't Back Down.'

This is Condescending Wonka from The 57th Annual Grammy Awards. Back to you, Red.

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