(Democrats cheering wildly) Thank you.......thanks.........Thank you.....I think that Nancy Pelosi just fainted....Does anybody have water?.........Is there a doctor in the house?.....Thank you.
I am SO PROUD that because of ME the State of the Union is STRONG! (The Democrats cheer wildly, while the Republicans laugh).
According to my teleprompter, more Americans have found good jobs, more Americans are going to college, and a...a....a....(The Democrats begin cheering, stepping on this line of the speech)....
I GOT THE TERRORISTS ON THE RUN! (The Democrats look at each other in silence, then begin cheering, while The Republicans laugh).
At the same time, things are terrible because of my opponents are standing in the way of my progressive dream. There are those who are against a good college education, which is why I am proposing free money for anybody who wants a FREE education at a community college.
If you want to take a remedial reading class, why should you be stopped? Tell ME! (The Democrats 'boo!' The Republicans).
I am willing to work with the Republican Congress. By the way, I've already vetoed everything that the new Congress hasn't even passed yet. (The Democrats Applaud).
As you know, my wife Michelle's 'healthy school lunches' have been an incredible success. We've smashed childhood obesity by offering rabbit food, which the kids declined to eat. Soon, the kids will be as thin and trim as a Kenyan marathoner! (The Democrats cheer).
As you know, I led the raid that killed Osama bin Laden! (The Democrats stand and cheer, the Republicans shake their heads). While all the other world leaders were in Paris for that Unity March, I was practicing my putting. Why?....
....because terrorism doesn't exist anymore. I ENDED IT! (The Democrats cheer deliriously, while the Republicans shake their heads).
Tonight, I propose that we will make those privileged rich people pay for exciting new OBAMA JOBS. (The Democrats applaud loudly) For instance, we will need neighborhood snitches to keep my critics in line. We will be offering money for children who hear their parents or family members say anything untrue about ME.
We are busy purging our military of those who won't swear allegiance to ME, and replace them with the wave of 'new Democrats' from south of our border. I'm also toying with the idea of replacing the Secret Service with The Black Panthers. That was Sharpton's idea.
My trusted adviser Valerie Jarret tells me that my ' national civilian security force' has almost completed their training, but we will need a few billion more.
All of these new proposals will pay for themselves, and not add ONE DIME to the national debt! (Everyone in the chamber laughs) But, there is a problem we must deal with. Last November, two-thirds of The American People stayed home on Election Day, and let my opponents take over The Senate.
Since The Republicans took over Congress, race relations have suffered, the middle class has suffered, The Affordable Care Act has been threatened, the air and water has gotten dirtier, and immigrant familes have been broken up, threatening the very fabric of our 'fundementally-transformed' nation. My opponents will damage my dream if you don't get on your Obama phone, and MELT THE CAPITOL SWITCHBOARD!
Oh yeah, and politics has gotten dirtier AND THEY HAVE DAMAGED THE CIVILITY IN OUR DISCOURSE!
If you pressure Congress, WE CAN LOWER THE SEA LEVELS, AND SAVE EVERYBODY'S RIGHT TO A GOOD COMMUNITY COLLEGE EDUCATION, AND FORCE THOSE WHO CAN....GIVE TO THOSE WHO CAN'T!....(The Democrats cheer wildly, their heads spin).
....SO THAT EVERY AMERICAN CAN GO TO A DOCTOR AND GET THEIR CONTRACEPTION NEEDS FILLED! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!!!!!
That's my time! Allahu Akbar!
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