You may be wondering whatever happened to my liberal associate, Longfellow Loon and The Loon of the Week award. I was thinking about discontinuing this (more less) weekly feature, because it seemed pointless to hand out an award for over-the-top, insane leftloonyness. So far in 2012, there was no real competition for Barack Obama's crazy weekly pronouncements and his maniacal, radical lust for absolute power.
I was actually thinking about retiring the award.
The first three weeks of 2012 saw our child dictator make unconstitutional recess appointments at a time when The House of Representatives isn't in recess. Who does this clown think he is, Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez?
He also told Congress that he wasn't going to wait for them to pass his leftist agenda.
Let's just say that The President has won the Loon of the Week Award for the last three weeks.
But, LOOK! Our loony pal, Longfellow Loon is here, and SOMEBODY ELSE wins this coveted award this week! So, let's tarry no longer. Here to bestow this week's award to somebody else than Barack Hussein Obama is our very own Longfellow Loon. Take it away. Loony!
"LOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOOO!!!! Thank you, Squirley! Congratulations on your new job, Director of Parks and Recreation in the new Mr. Dilettante Administration!! "
Thanks.
"The Loonies of the Week are those wonderful Occupy Oakland protesters! LOOLOOLOOLOOLOOLOOOLOOLOOOLOOLOOOLOOLOOOO!!!!
While most of the OWS protests have fizzled out, these heroic protesters have really stepped it up! This weekend, they broke into and vandalized Oakland City Hall. These angels of virtue have stated something that ANYONE with a basic understanding of The Constitution knows....
Vandalism and criminal activity is protected under the first Amendment. It's right there.....alongside the right to have an abortion! LOOLOOOLOOLOOLOOLOOLOOOLOOLOOOLOOLOOLOOLOOLOOO!!!!!"
Thank you, Longfellow Loon. Great report!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Obama Announces "The Fair Deal"
Hot on the heels of the big State of the Union Show last week, our child dictator is getting ready to roll out the most ambitious agenda since Franklyn Delano Roosevelt's New Deal.
Let's call it "Obama's Fair Deal".
If you play by HIS rules, agree to be HIS tool, and help HIM get re-elected, you can take part. It's only fair.
In the SOTU Address, Obama talked about rewarding hard work. You know, like those poor, hard-working Solyndra execs. It just breaks my heart when I think about the hard work of laundering a half-billion dollars through this fraudulent company. Just remember: Solar and wind....good. Oil....bad.
I just hope those Solyndra execs can feed their kids. The poor darlings.
Our agitator-In-Chief invited Warren Buffett's Secretary, poor Mrs. ah' Wiggins, to his show last week to illustrate the unfairness of our tax code. Since the Secretary of the Treasury Tiny Tim Geithner is such an old hand at getting around the tax laws, we really should him and Buffett's secretary together.
Timmy could turn that secretary into a lean, mean tax-cheating machine.
When I think of the unfairness of workers in the private sector making almost HALF of their government employee counterparts, I conclude that tea-baggers like Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker must be re-called from office.
Remember, public sector employees really are better than everyone else. It should be an honor for you private sector workers to keep working into your late 60's, so that a government sector employee can retire at 55. Just stop being so selfish.
It's only fair.
Let's call it "Obama's Fair Deal".
If you play by HIS rules, agree to be HIS tool, and help HIM get re-elected, you can take part. It's only fair.
In the SOTU Address, Obama talked about rewarding hard work. You know, like those poor, hard-working Solyndra execs. It just breaks my heart when I think about the hard work of laundering a half-billion dollars through this fraudulent company. Just remember: Solar and wind....good. Oil....bad.
I just hope those Solyndra execs can feed their kids. The poor darlings.
Our agitator-In-Chief invited Warren Buffett's Secretary, poor Mrs. ah' Wiggins, to his show last week to illustrate the unfairness of our tax code. Since the Secretary of the Treasury Tiny Tim Geithner is such an old hand at getting around the tax laws, we really should him and Buffett's secretary together.
Timmy could turn that secretary into a lean, mean tax-cheating machine.
When I think of the unfairness of workers in the private sector making almost HALF of their government employee counterparts, I conclude that tea-baggers like Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker must be re-called from office.
Remember, public sector employees really are better than everyone else. It should be an honor for you private sector workers to keep working into your late 60's, so that a government sector employee can retire at 55. Just stop being so selfish.
It's only fair.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Our Reporter Was There On The Tarmac
One of our sources at The RedSquirrel Report was there when our glorious child dictator met Arizona Governor Jan Brewer at the tarmac. The following is their conversation, as heard by our source:Brewer: Mr. President.
Obama: I would like to have a word with you.
Brewer: Mr. President?
Obama: You disrespected me in that book you wrote....
Brewer: I thought you were here to discuss immigration policy. We are being overrun by gangs and....
Obama(interrupting): I AM PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA, AND YOU AREN'T!!! YOU'RE JUST A GOVERNOR. GOT THAT??!!
Brewer: These illegal aliens are....
OBAMA(pointing at Air Force One): SEE THAT? THAT IS AIR FORCE ONE. THAT IS MYYYY RIDE! I LIVE IN THE WHITE HOUSE!
Brewer: Really, Mr. President, you're being childish....
OBAMA: NO, I'M NOT!
Brewer: Can we please behave like adults?
Obama: I DEMAND AN APOLOGY!
Brewer (poking Obama's chest): Listen, YOU arrogant, insufferable ASS! Arizona is being overrun by gangs and illegal aliens. Many of these bloodthirsty creeps were armed by YOUR ATTORNEY GENERAL, and what are YOU DOING ABOUT THIS?
(Obama turns his back, and begins walking back towards Air Force One)
Brewer (continues): YOU SUE ME FOR DOING YOUR DAMNED JOB! Just get your worthless carcass back on YOUR STUPID RIDE, and GET OUT OF HERE!
Obama was last seen running into Air Force One, and ordering his pilot to take off.
Governor Jan Brewer was last seen, still yelling on the tarmac.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
The Beleagured State Of The Union 2012
Tonight, the Messiah lectures the nation in (hopefully his final) State of the Union Address. Here at The RedSquirrel Report, we have been given a preview of tonight's speech, and have ran it through our Truthteller 3000.
Here is an excerpt:
"Thank you.........Thank you (Democrats stand, applaud, cheering loudly).....Please........(Democrats keep standing).....Thank you.....Yes, I know that I'm almost God-like. Yes.....
......Hey, Nancy Pelosi just fainted.....Is there a doctor in the house? Thank God for Obamacare........Please sit. Please. Thank you, Please, the teleprompter wants everyone to sit down. Thank you,
I was in Disney World last week. How do you like my Mickey Mouse ears? (forced laughter)..Seriously, I am here to report to the American people that the State of the Union is....uh.....bad because of the PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION.....and it is only my incredible leadership that has kept things from getting even WORSE. (Democrats cheer wildly, the Republicans laugh).
Last week, I killed tens of thousands of jobs, by denying the permit needed to start building the Keystone XL Pipeline. I stopped those evil 'big oil' guys from creating up to 100,000 jobs. We all know that when Americans have jobs, they tend to vote Republican, AND WE JUST CAN'T HAVE THAT! (Democrats loudly yell 'No!')
The official unemployment rate is 8.6%, because we don't count 2,000,000 or so Americans too discouraged to even look for for a job anymore. My plan is to make EVERY American too discouraged to look for a job....Someday, the official unemployment rate will be 0.0%, as long as we COUNT NOBODY! (Democrats cheer wildly).
The previous occupant of my....I mean....The White House referred to our enemies as 'an axis of evil'. I refer to my enemies as 'America's traditional allies'. I believe that we should not demonize Iran, because I might have accidentally gave them one of our predator drones, and I really don't want that drone to be used against us....
There are those to criticise me for Operation Fast and Furious, the Solyndra money laundering scheme, for unconstitutional recess appointments, and my signature achievement, Obamacare, which we could only pass because our leadership BRIBED THE HELL of our caucus to get it passed. To all of you who dare criticise ME, my friends at Attack Watch and the Service Employees International Union will be in touch.
As is the tradition, we have some special guests sitting next to the First Lady. Let me introduce them. First, is the man who pulls my strings, George Soros (Democrats cheer loudly). Next, is a guy who has made more visits to The White House than ANYBODY else, commie-unionista Andy Stern. Yes, we should get him to a post office, so he can fill a change-of-address card. We have an extra bedroom. Finally, seated next to my wonderful wife Michelle, is creepy mask guy from the Occupy Wall Street protests. Stand up and wave to the crowd, guys. (Democrats cheer).
While I was at Disney World, I made a speech, inviting foreign visitors to enjoy America's tourist spots. I want to keep those visitors around, long enough to get them registered to vote for me.
There are those on the other side of the aisle who refuse to raise taxes on the richest fat cats. All we want is just a little fairness. Just think what could I could achieve if my campaign could have laundered a BILLION DOLLARS through Solyndra, instead of a paltry half-billion dollars.
The oracle of Omaha, Warren Buffet, told me that his secretary pays more in taxes than he does! IS THAT FAIR? (The Democrats yell. 'NO!') And if the dirty Republicans get their way, that poor secretary will wind up dying in debtors prison! IS THAT FAIR?(The Democrats yell 'NO!') And Mitt Romney will enjoy firing the jailer. Nobody will be there to let her out! IS THAT FAIR? (The Democrats stand up, then turn to the Republicans, point at them, and 'boo' loudly).
Every American must ask themselves, 'Am I better off than I was four years ago?' I know that I AM! I know some Solyndra execs who are! (The Democrats cheer loudly).
I know that Nancy Pelosi is! Everybody at Light Squared is! The government public employee unions? HELL YEAH!
That's my time. I'm outta here! See you on Election Day"....(The Democrats cheer, then start chanting 'Barack Hussein Obama....mmm....mmm....mmm').
End of transcript.
Here is an excerpt:
"Thank you.........Thank you (Democrats stand, applaud, cheering loudly).....Please........(Democrats keep standing).....Thank you.....Yes, I know that I'm almost God-like. Yes.....
......Hey, Nancy Pelosi just fainted.....Is there a doctor in the house? Thank God for Obamacare........Please sit. Please. Thank you, Please, the teleprompter wants everyone to sit down. Thank you,
I was in Disney World last week. How do you like my Mickey Mouse ears? (forced laughter)..Seriously, I am here to report to the American people that the State of the Union is....uh.....bad because of the PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION.....and it is only my incredible leadership that has kept things from getting even WORSE. (Democrats cheer wildly, the Republicans laugh).
Last week, I killed tens of thousands of jobs, by denying the permit needed to start building the Keystone XL Pipeline. I stopped those evil 'big oil' guys from creating up to 100,000 jobs. We all know that when Americans have jobs, they tend to vote Republican, AND WE JUST CAN'T HAVE THAT! (Democrats loudly yell 'No!')
The official unemployment rate is 8.6%, because we don't count 2,000,000 or so Americans too discouraged to even look for for a job anymore. My plan is to make EVERY American too discouraged to look for a job....Someday, the official unemployment rate will be 0.0%, as long as we COUNT NOBODY! (Democrats cheer wildly).
The previous occupant of my....I mean....The White House referred to our enemies as 'an axis of evil'. I refer to my enemies as 'America's traditional allies'. I believe that we should not demonize Iran, because I might have accidentally gave them one of our predator drones, and I really don't want that drone to be used against us....
There are those to criticise me for Operation Fast and Furious, the Solyndra money laundering scheme, for unconstitutional recess appointments, and my signature achievement, Obamacare, which we could only pass because our leadership BRIBED THE HELL of our caucus to get it passed. To all of you who dare criticise ME, my friends at Attack Watch and the Service Employees International Union will be in touch.
As is the tradition, we have some special guests sitting next to the First Lady. Let me introduce them. First, is the man who pulls my strings, George Soros (Democrats cheer loudly). Next, is a guy who has made more visits to The White House than ANYBODY else, commie-unionista Andy Stern. Yes, we should get him to a post office, so he can fill a change-of-address card. We have an extra bedroom. Finally, seated next to my wonderful wife Michelle, is creepy mask guy from the Occupy Wall Street protests. Stand up and wave to the crowd, guys. (Democrats cheer).
While I was at Disney World, I made a speech, inviting foreign visitors to enjoy America's tourist spots. I want to keep those visitors around, long enough to get them registered to vote for me.
There are those on the other side of the aisle who refuse to raise taxes on the richest fat cats. All we want is just a little fairness. Just think what could I could achieve if my campaign could have laundered a BILLION DOLLARS through Solyndra, instead of a paltry half-billion dollars.
The oracle of Omaha, Warren Buffet, told me that his secretary pays more in taxes than he does! IS THAT FAIR? (The Democrats yell. 'NO!') And if the dirty Republicans get their way, that poor secretary will wind up dying in debtors prison! IS THAT FAIR?(The Democrats yell 'NO!') And Mitt Romney will enjoy firing the jailer. Nobody will be there to let her out! IS THAT FAIR? (The Democrats stand up, then turn to the Republicans, point at them, and 'boo' loudly).
Every American must ask themselves, 'Am I better off than I was four years ago?' I know that I AM! I know some Solyndra execs who are! (The Democrats cheer loudly).
I know that Nancy Pelosi is! Everybody at Light Squared is! The government public employee unions? HELL YEAH!
That's my time. I'm outta here! See you on Election Day"....(The Democrats cheer, then start chanting 'Barack Hussein Obama....mmm....mmm....mmm').
End of transcript.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
A Statement From Candidate RedSquirrel
"On Friday, Mr. Dilettante was declared the winner of the Minnesota Organization Of Bloggers Mayoral race. I congratulated him on his tremendous victory.
The mayor-elect has ran a terrific campaign. Now it's time for him to give us our marching orders. We are your army, Mr. Mayor.
On Saturday, the new Mayor suggested to me that I may be in line for the position of Director of Parks and Recreation. My cousin Twiggy loves to water ski, so the news had a special appeal to him.
Today, I checked in to Mr. Dilettante's Neighborhood to find that the position of 'Shadowy, Out-Of-State Operative' has been given to me. It is impossible for me to be 'an out-of-state' operative, having resided in Minnesota all my life. Still, I believe that I can still serve The MOB in the capacity of 'Shadowy Operative.'
While I was a candidate, I learned about the issue of AJFS, commonly known as Aging Jedi Flatulence Syndrome. I urge the new Mayor to help in the effort to find the cure of this terrible affliction. Until that day comes, I will wear this brown ribbon (point to my lapel) as a way to remember the victims.
I thank my voters. When I started this train wreck, I mean....campaign, nobody knew who I was. There was even a question as to whether I even existed. I learned that even in a mock election, it's important to let people know that you exist.
Secretary Of State-For-Life Learned Foot was incorrect in saying that I had voted for myself 7 times.
I want to make it clear that I did not I voted for myself seven times. I voted for myself twice..........and then payed some people to vote for me. I found out my supporters are cheap but they aren't free.
Thanks to The Kool Aid Report, for allowing me on the ballot, and letting me take part in this process.
The mayor-elect has ran a terrific campaign. Now it's time for him to give us our marching orders. We are your army, Mr. Mayor.
On Saturday, the new Mayor suggested to me that I may be in line for the position of Director of Parks and Recreation. My cousin Twiggy loves to water ski, so the news had a special appeal to him.
Today, I checked in to Mr. Dilettante's Neighborhood to find that the position of 'Shadowy, Out-Of-State Operative' has been given to me. It is impossible for me to be 'an out-of-state' operative, having resided in Minnesota all my life. Still, I believe that I can still serve The MOB in the capacity of 'Shadowy Operative.'
While I was a candidate, I learned about the issue of AJFS, commonly known as Aging Jedi Flatulence Syndrome. I urge the new Mayor to help in the effort to find the cure of this terrible affliction. Until that day comes, I will wear this brown ribbon (point to my lapel) as a way to remember the victims.
I thank my voters. When I started this train wreck, I mean....campaign, nobody knew who I was. There was even a question as to whether I even existed. I learned that even in a mock election, it's important to let people know that you exist.
Secretary Of State-For-Life Learned Foot was incorrect in saying that I had voted for myself 7 times.
I want to make it clear that I did not I voted for myself seven times. I voted for myself twice..........and then payed some people to vote for me. I found out my supporters are cheap but they aren't free.
Thanks to The Kool Aid Report, for allowing me on the ballot, and letting me take part in this process.
Newt Gingrich Wins South Carolina Primary, Because That's What Chuck Norris Wanted
In a GOP Primary shocker, Former Speaker Newt Gingrich easily won the South Carolina Primary yesterday. The results of yesterday's vote seemed to surprise everyone, except actor/ famous tough guy Chuck Norris, who endorsed the former speaker.
They say that the fear of spiders is called arachnophobia. The fear of closed places is called claustrophobia. The fear of Chuck Norris is called 'common sense'.
In exit polls, many South Carolinians believed that the former actor was 'watching them' as they were in the voting booth.
"Chuck Norris got in a staring match with the sun once, and the sun blinked. 'Damned right I voted for Newt!", one voter said in Columbia.
"We sit around the old campfire telling Chuck Norris stories." one ghost in Charleston said. "Yeah, we were afraid of what Norris could still do to us if we failed to vote for Gingrich".
Even the dreaded Bogeyman made it to the polls.
"Last night, I had to check under my bed for Chuck Norris. Then, I made sure that I made it to my local polling station to fill the oval for Newt".
Many political pundits agree that Chuck Norris can be an extremely potent ally for the former Speaker. It will be interesting to see if the 'Norris Effect' carries Gingrich to victory in the Florida Primary on January 31.
They say that the fear of spiders is called arachnophobia. The fear of closed places is called claustrophobia. The fear of Chuck Norris is called 'common sense'.
In exit polls, many South Carolinians believed that the former actor was 'watching them' as they were in the voting booth.
"Chuck Norris got in a staring match with the sun once, and the sun blinked. 'Damned right I voted for Newt!", one voter said in Columbia.
"We sit around the old campfire telling Chuck Norris stories." one ghost in Charleston said. "Yeah, we were afraid of what Norris could still do to us if we failed to vote for Gingrich".
Even the dreaded Bogeyman made it to the polls.
"Last night, I had to check under my bed for Chuck Norris. Then, I made sure that I made it to my local polling station to fill the oval for Newt".
Many political pundits agree that Chuck Norris can be an extremely potent ally for the former Speaker. It will be interesting to see if the 'Norris Effect' carries Gingrich to victory in the Florida Primary on January 31.
Obama Shuts Down Main Street...Literally
Fresh off his latest battle against the American working class (denying the permit to begin work on the Keystone XL Pipeline), our glorious leader made an appearance at Disney World, where he literally shut down Main Street U.S.A.
He wanted to encourage foreign tourism. In his race to turn America into a banana republic, it wouldn't surprise me if he tried to register these visitors to vote in 2012.
This Mickey Mouse President is writing my material for me. I don't even have to be here.
So, there he was, Making ANOTHER JOBS speech, in front of Cinderella's castle....with NOBODY else in the picture. Disney World looked totally deserted.
When President Dumbo finds out that the employees of Disneyland actually work in the private sector, he will probably order it to be closed down and sent to India....
....or taken over by the Service Employees International Union.
He wanted to encourage foreign tourism. In his race to turn America into a banana republic, it wouldn't surprise me if he tried to register these visitors to vote in 2012.
This Mickey Mouse President is writing my material for me. I don't even have to be here.
So, there he was, Making ANOTHER JOBS speech, in front of Cinderella's castle....with NOBODY else in the picture. Disney World looked totally deserted.
When President Dumbo finds out that the employees of Disneyland actually work in the private sector, he will probably order it to be closed down and sent to India....
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