"On Friday, Mr. Dilettante was declared the winner of the Minnesota Organization Of Bloggers Mayoral race. I congratulated him on his tremendous victory.
The mayor-elect has ran a terrific campaign. Now it's time for him to give us our marching orders. We are your army, Mr. Mayor.
On Saturday, the new Mayor suggested to me that I may be in line for the position of Director of Parks and Recreation. My cousin Twiggy loves to water ski, so the news had a special appeal to him.
Today, I checked in to Mr. Dilettante's Neighborhood to find that the position of 'Shadowy, Out-Of-State Operative' has been given to me. It is impossible for me to be 'an out-of-state' operative, having resided in Minnesota all my life. Still, I believe that I can still serve The MOB in the capacity of 'Shadowy Operative.'
While I was a candidate, I learned about the issue of AJFS, commonly known as Aging Jedi Flatulence Syndrome. I urge the new Mayor to help in the effort to find the cure of this terrible affliction. Until that day comes, I will wear this brown ribbon (point to my lapel) as a way to remember the victims.
I thank my voters. When I started this train wreck, I mean....campaign, nobody knew who I was. There was even a question as to whether I even existed. I learned that even in a mock election, it's important to let people know that you exist.
Secretary Of State-For-Life Learned Foot was incorrect in saying that I had voted for myself 7 times.
I want to make it clear that I did not I voted for myself seven times. I voted for myself twice..........and then payed some people to vote for me. I found out my supporters are cheap but they aren't free.
Thanks to The Kool Aid Report, for allowing me on the ballot, and letting me take part in this process.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Newt Gingrich Wins South Carolina Primary, Because That's What Chuck Norris Wanted
In a GOP Primary shocker, Former Speaker Newt Gingrich easily won the South Carolina Primary yesterday. The results of yesterday's vote seemed to surprise everyone, except actor/ famous tough guy Chuck Norris, who endorsed the former speaker.
They say that the fear of spiders is called arachnophobia. The fear of closed places is called claustrophobia. The fear of Chuck Norris is called 'common sense'.
In exit polls, many South Carolinians believed that the former actor was 'watching them' as they were in the voting booth.
"Chuck Norris got in a staring match with the sun once, and the sun blinked. 'Damned right I voted for Newt!", one voter said in Columbia.
"We sit around the old campfire telling Chuck Norris stories." one ghost in Charleston said. "Yeah, we were afraid of what Norris could still do to us if we failed to vote for Gingrich".
Even the dreaded Bogeyman made it to the polls.
"Last night, I had to check under my bed for Chuck Norris. Then, I made sure that I made it to my local polling station to fill the oval for Newt".
Many political pundits agree that Chuck Norris can be an extremely potent ally for the former Speaker. It will be interesting to see if the 'Norris Effect' carries Gingrich to victory in the Florida Primary on January 31.
They say that the fear of spiders is called arachnophobia. The fear of closed places is called claustrophobia. The fear of Chuck Norris is called 'common sense'.
In exit polls, many South Carolinians believed that the former actor was 'watching them' as they were in the voting booth.
"Chuck Norris got in a staring match with the sun once, and the sun blinked. 'Damned right I voted for Newt!", one voter said in Columbia.
"We sit around the old campfire telling Chuck Norris stories." one ghost in Charleston said. "Yeah, we were afraid of what Norris could still do to us if we failed to vote for Gingrich".
Even the dreaded Bogeyman made it to the polls.
"Last night, I had to check under my bed for Chuck Norris. Then, I made sure that I made it to my local polling station to fill the oval for Newt".
Many political pundits agree that Chuck Norris can be an extremely potent ally for the former Speaker. It will be interesting to see if the 'Norris Effect' carries Gingrich to victory in the Florida Primary on January 31.
Obama Shuts Down Main Street...Literally
Fresh off his latest battle against the American working class (denying the permit to begin work on the Keystone XL Pipeline), our glorious leader made an appearance at Disney World, where he literally shut down Main Street U.S.A.
He wanted to encourage foreign tourism. In his race to turn America into a banana republic, it wouldn't surprise me if he tried to register these visitors to vote in 2012.
This Mickey Mouse President is writing my material for me. I don't even have to be here.
So, there he was, Making ANOTHER JOBS speech, in front of Cinderella's castle....with NOBODY else in the picture. Disney World looked totally deserted.
When President Dumbo finds out that the employees of Disneyland actually work in the private sector, he will probably order it to be closed down and sent to India....
....or taken over by the Service Employees International Union.
He wanted to encourage foreign tourism. In his race to turn America into a banana republic, it wouldn't surprise me if he tried to register these visitors to vote in 2012.
This Mickey Mouse President is writing my material for me. I don't even have to be here.
So, there he was, Making ANOTHER JOBS speech, in front of Cinderella's castle....with NOBODY else in the picture. Disney World looked totally deserted.
When President Dumbo finds out that the employees of Disneyland actually work in the private sector, he will probably order it to be closed down and sent to India....
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Obama Czar To America's Children: "Don't Clean Your Room"
In a recent GOP Debate, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich caused outrage for his assertion that kids can be janitors.
The Presidential candidate suggested that it could be beneficial for young people to learn the work ethic, and perhaps learn to appreciate the concept of earning your money.
And so, President Obama's new Children's Rights Czar, Norton Snotley, has issued a new Obama dictate. It reads:
"In Former Speaker Gingrich twisted worldview, children will be forced to work in under aged sweatshops. We must protect these delicate little snowflakes from the likes of the Republicans. In fact, children need to be protected from their own parents.
Therefore, the administration will be issuing a dictate to the parents of the United States of Obama.
You may not tell your child to clean his (or her) room, or you will be violating child labor laws. Thank you for your compliance".
The Presidential candidate suggested that it could be beneficial for young people to learn the work ethic, and perhaps learn to appreciate the concept of earning your money.
And so, President Obama's new Children's Rights Czar, Norton Snotley, has issued a new Obama dictate. It reads:
"In Former Speaker Gingrich twisted worldview, children will be forced to work in under aged sweatshops. We must protect these delicate little snowflakes from the likes of the Republicans. In fact, children need to be protected from their own parents.
Therefore, the administration will be issuing a dictate to the parents of the United States of Obama.
You may not tell your child to clean his (or her) room, or you will be violating child labor laws. Thank you for your compliance".
Newsweek Loses It's Mind
Did you see last week's cover story, entitled '31 Ways To Get SMARTER-FASTER'?
If you add the two cover stories together, the number one way to get SMARTER-FASTER is quite simple:
Stop criticizing the Messiah.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Valerie Jarrett And The Gospel Of Obama
On Sunday, Senior Obama Advisor Valerie Jarrett stood at the pulpit of Ebenezer Baptist Church in Atlanta (Martin Luther King Jr's Church), and gave her testimony to 'The Messiah'. No, not Jesus Christ....the other messiah, Barack Hussein Obama.
On the day before MLK Day, the renowned slumlord and White House crony delivered a partisan sermon. Here is a portion of her remarks, translation courtesy of our Truthteller 3000:
"I'm pleased to see so many BLACK DEMOCRAT voters this morning. Can I get an amen? Remember, we will have a voter registration drive afterwards, and if you'd like to contribute to our Messiah's re-election, we will be passing around the collection plate for that purpose....
Change is hard, but we've come a long way. It seemed like only yesterday we had to sit in the back of the bus, and drinking fountains were segregated, But nowadays, I can order a white, 5-star general in his full-dress uniform to fetch me a glass of champagne! Hey Garcon', TOP THIS OFF!!!!
Now, ANYTHING is possible, because of our Messiah!
It used to be that we were livin' in chanteys and slums. Now, we ARE the slumlords. Hello Grove Park Plaza, hello Tony Rezko. Oh, happy day!
In the bad old days, The United States of American battled Communism. Now, we ARE the government. Don't worry, Van Jones. We have a place for you in the White House.
But, all our progress is in peril. Teachers and firefighters and police, whose jobs are in jeopardy because Congress, well let me be more specific, because the
REPUBLICANS want your kids to be uneducated, your houses to burn, and your families to be murdered.
In fact, I'll bet that it was really the rascally Republicans who denied us The Chicago Summer Olympics 2016. I was gonna make a fortune off that! Damn those Republican devils! Can I get an amen?
Tomorrow is Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday. All you government employees have the day off. I think the best way to honor the memory of Dr. King is volunteer for The Messiah's re-election. Be sure to pick up your 'Obama 2012' t-shirt as you leave."
On the day before MLK Day, the renowned slumlord and White House crony delivered a partisan sermon. Here is a portion of her remarks, translation courtesy of our Truthteller 3000:
"I'm pleased to see so many BLACK DEMOCRAT voters this morning. Can I get an amen? Remember, we will have a voter registration drive afterwards, and if you'd like to contribute to our Messiah's re-election, we will be passing around the collection plate for that purpose....
Change is hard, but we've come a long way. It seemed like only yesterday we had to sit in the back of the bus, and drinking fountains were segregated, But nowadays, I can order a white, 5-star general in his full-dress uniform to fetch me a glass of champagne! Hey Garcon', TOP THIS OFF!!!!
Now, ANYTHING is possible, because of our Messiah!
It used to be that we were livin' in chanteys and slums. Now, we ARE the slumlords. Hello Grove Park Plaza, hello Tony Rezko. Oh, happy day!
In the bad old days, The United States of American battled Communism. Now, we ARE the government. Don't worry, Van Jones. We have a place for you in the White House.
But, all our progress is in peril. Teachers and firefighters and police, whose jobs are in jeopardy because Congress, well let me be more specific, because the
REPUBLICANS want your kids to be uneducated, your houses to burn, and your families to be murdered.
In fact, I'll bet that it was really the rascally Republicans who denied us The Chicago Summer Olympics 2016. I was gonna make a fortune off that! Damn those Republican devils! Can I get an amen?
Tomorrow is Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday. All you government employees have the day off. I think the best way to honor the memory of Dr. King is volunteer for The Messiah's re-election. Be sure to pick up your 'Obama 2012' t-shirt as you leave."
Monday, January 16, 2012
Satanists, Atheists, And Bill Maher Cheer Tom Brady On To Victory
On Saturday, the New England Patriots defeated the Tim Tebow-led Denver Broncos, 45-10.
Patriot Quarterback Tom Brady threw for a play-off record five touchdowns in the first half, while Bronco Quarterback Tim Tebow's season of miracles came to a crashing end.
There was no parting of the red, white, and blue pass rush, as the Patriot defence chased Tebow through the desert of no answers. Meanwhile, satanists and atheists from all over cheered for New England QB Tom Brady.
At the Los Angeles Church of Satan, the devil worshippers spent their sabbath praying for and cheering on the Patriots. After each Brady touchdown, they filled their chalices with blood, and took a long swig.
Each time Tebow was sacked, the devil worshippers praised Satan loudly, chanting in Latin as their heads spun around. Tim Tebow finished the game having completed only 9 of 26 passes for only 136 passing yards.
"Behold, the mighty power of Satan!" they yelled.
"All hail SATAN, and his disciple TOM BRADY!!" they chanted.
Meanwhile, in Salem, Massachusetts, a coven of wiccans celebrated in a more quiet manner.
Gavin Snotley, President of Americans for a Godless Way, celebrated with his 12-year-old son.
"The fact that Tim Tebow played poorly is proof that there is no God", snorted Snotley. wiping his nose on his sleeve.
Bill Maher, host of a lowly-rated HBO talk show, celebrated with Hef at the Playboy Mansion. Maher tebowed on the plush living room carpet each time Tebow was sacked or threw an incompleted pass, as Hefner's girlfriends giggled.
"Take THAT, Tebow....and that imaginary friend of yours!", Maher sneered.
Meanwhile, during the post-game press conference, England Patriot Quarterback Tom Brady was asked if it was indeed Satan that had delivered victory for the Pats. All he could do was smile sheepishly, and say, "Next question, please."
Patriot Quarterback Tom Brady threw for a play-off record five touchdowns in the first half, while Bronco Quarterback Tim Tebow's season of miracles came to a crashing end.
There was no parting of the red, white, and blue pass rush, as the Patriot defence chased Tebow through the desert of no answers. Meanwhile, satanists and atheists from all over cheered for New England QB Tom Brady.
At the Los Angeles Church of Satan, the devil worshippers spent their sabbath praying for and cheering on the Patriots. After each Brady touchdown, they filled their chalices with blood, and took a long swig.
Each time Tebow was sacked, the devil worshippers praised Satan loudly, chanting in Latin as their heads spun around. Tim Tebow finished the game having completed only 9 of 26 passes for only 136 passing yards.
"Behold, the mighty power of Satan!" they yelled.
"All hail SATAN, and his disciple TOM BRADY!!" they chanted.
Meanwhile, in Salem, Massachusetts, a coven of wiccans celebrated in a more quiet manner.
Gavin Snotley, President of Americans for a Godless Way, celebrated with his 12-year-old son.
"The fact that Tim Tebow played poorly is proof that there is no God", snorted Snotley. wiping his nose on his sleeve.
Bill Maher, host of a lowly-rated HBO talk show, celebrated with Hef at the Playboy Mansion. Maher tebowed on the plush living room carpet each time Tebow was sacked or threw an incompleted pass, as Hefner's girlfriends giggled.
"Take THAT, Tebow....and that imaginary friend of yours!", Maher sneered.
Meanwhile, during the post-game press conference, England Patriot Quarterback Tom Brady was asked if it was indeed Satan that had delivered victory for the Pats. All he could do was smile sheepishly, and say, "Next question, please."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)