Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Kluwe Is Out

A couple weeks ago, The Minnesota Vikings drafted punter Jeff Locke in the 5th round, and then released veteran punter Chris Kluwe. It seems like everyone in the media has an opinion on the release of outspoken punter, who spoke out in favor of same-sex marriage.

Homophobic Viking General Manager Rick Spielman banished Kluwe from the Viking ship, but what do we really know about the new punter? RSR has dug up some rather startling facts:

Last year, Locke handed out bibles at a Gay Pride Parade in West Hollywood, and brandished a large sign that read 'God Hates Sodomites.'

He averaged 28.9 yards per punt at UCLA, before injury shortened his Junior season. He rode the bench for most of the 2012-2013, but the Viking GM heard about Locke's views on gay marriage, and was immediately impressed. Spielman explains:

'Yeah, Kluwe caused a lot of trouble for the team. Viking owner Ziggy (Wilf) used to always say that Chris was a cancer eating away at our organization. We believe that new punter Locke will fit perfectly with The Viking's 'anti-same sex marriage' team attitude.'

We tracked down superstar Defensive End Jared Allen, who said this:

'Nobody wanted to shower around Kluwe. He used to point at my uniform number 69, then laugh. It really gave me the creeps. I'm so glad he's gone.'

Many football analysts believe that Kluwe will never, ever play in The NFL again.

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