Funnyman Jon Lovitz Tries Drama

Former SNL star Jon Lovitz will star as Supreme Court Associate Justice Elena Kagen in a biopic scheduled to be televised on Lifetime next Summer. Lovitz talked to the entertainment press on Wednesday, stating that this will be a challenging role. "Yeah, I've been looking to do a dramatic role. I'll have to 'butch-up' a bit".

Chicago Mayoral Election Wrap-Up

On Tuesday, the voters spoke, and elected former Obama Chief Of Staff Rahm Emanuel the next Mayor of Chicago. The RedSquirrel Report sent a team of pollsters to Chicago in order to conduct an exit poll. We learned that Emanuel recieved 45% of the "dead-voters" vote, about 43% of the "vote early-vote often (yuk yuk)" vote, and roughly 40% of the "Ya better vote for Rahm or we'll bust your head/municipal employees" vote.

A New Name For The Metrodome....

Today, the Metropolitan Sports Facilities Commission voted to give the Mall Of America Metrodome a new name. Until the commission can manage to fix the roof, the stadium will be dubbed The R.T. Rybek FallenSouffle'Dome, named in honor of the current mayor.

My 4-Word Editorial....

A couple weeks ago, President Obama sent his budget proposal to Congress. Here at The RedSquirrel Report, we believe that brevity is the soul of....something, so here's our 4-word editorial: Are You Effing Kidding?

From Page 6,297

 In 1997, Soros escaped from the fiery pit, and resumed his dream of building his own army of demons. He went on a date with a New York secretary named Lois Peruzzi, and got her pregnant on their first date. He recalled the visit to the doctor, where he got the joyous news. However, the 24-year old woman fainted when the doctor yelled, "Congratulations. OCTOMOM!" She woke up, realizing that during her 2-week dizzy spell, where she was also drugged by one of Soros' generals, that they were married. Soros would later reminisce in a creepy, Hungarian accent, on the wedding:
"My bride had that beautiful glow. You know, the glow you get from a Jack-O-Lantern? There we were, cutting the cake-with a little groom with devil horns and a little bride that cried blood (stigmata) on top of the wedding cake. Also, what with my dietary requirements, I couldn't have a cake covered with frosting or marzipan, so I ordered the cake be covered with spider crap.The wedding was beautiful (oh no, I just vomited in my mouth there. It happens when I say 'beautiful'). I also got all of her bridesmaids pregnant. No-waitaminnut. I got only three bridesmaids pregnant. I got the other two pregnant on our honeymoon...."
When Lois Peruzzi's water broke, her birth canal caught fire, and eight spawn exploded out of her. Each one had horns and pitchforks.

I'm Working On A Biography On George Soros

As Winter draws to an end, your intrepid Red Squirrel is bored with hybernation. It can be disclosed that I have been working on an unauthorized biography of financier/ Dem sugardaddy George Soros. My research has really taken me places that I never thought I would go. He is a very interesting figure in modern American history. I was going to write a 300-400 page book, yet when I learned that the dark lord of the netherworld has actually lived about 12 lifetimes, and that the character Vigo the Capathian from "Ghostbusters 2" was loosely based on him, my 300-page book ballooned to an astounding 6,666 pages, with 666 footnotes. In the following weeks, I will post some passages from my manuscript.

That Sucking Sound You Hear....

In a scene resembling the Alfred Hitchcock classic, "Vertigo", Governor Mark Dayton (aka/ Governor Crazy Eyes) recently gave his State Of The State address, where he stated that he wants the job creators of Minnesota to be taxed MORE. As he spoke, a vortex appeared around his head.Scientists believe that the spinning vortex is a black hole that will suck jobs out Minnesota-to her neighbors, yet the governor assured the people of the gopher state that the overtaxed won't mind even higher taxes, and that if you're an overtaxed entrepreneur, you will not leave the state if he raises your taxes.