Yakov Smirnoff Reports From Venezuela

It appears that Venezuelan dictator Nicolas Maduro has won another 6-year term. Here with his report is RSR correspondent, Yakov Smirnoff:

Thank you, Red Squirrel, heh, heh, heh....

Vhat an election here in socialist paradise! Hehe, heh, heh, heh....Communist dictator Nicolas Maduro wins with 110% of the vote!......Just kidding, he wins with 64% of the vote.

Maduro touted his 'Venezuela miracle!' Actually, his miracle was that he made his opponents disappear! Hehe, heh, heh! He's like a magician!

Apparently, he won with some very popular campaign promises. He promised a 'cat in every pot.' Of course, you would have to catch the cat yourself. Heh, heh, heh....

He also gave the voters a choice. You either get promised food rations or a map to your local zoo, where you can kill and eat the animal of your choice.

Maduro was very popular with dead voters! Is this Venezuela or Chicago!?

Many voters approved of the big crackdown on anti-government protesters. Maduro ordered his state police to give 'warning shot'. Actually, he just mowed down protesters as a 'warning to anyone thinking about protesting the government.'

Heh, heh, heh. Vhat a crack-down!

I better get out of here. It looks like about 10,000 spoil sports are gathering to protest the result of this election!

This is special correspondent Yakov Smirnoff in social paradise Venezuela, Back to you, Red Squirrel....

Sister Mary Roasts Comedienne Michelle Wolf

A few weeks ago, the White House Correspondent's dinner showcased a nearly unknown comic Michelle Wolf. The high-pitched disaster insulted the women in President Trump's administration, and her performance was almost universally panned.

Here to comment is our correspondent Sister Mary Brokenknuckles:

God bless....

What individual or committee of degenerate asses thought hiring this disaster was a good idea? Before this 'performance', almost nobody had ever heard of Michelle Wolf. After her performance, most normal Americans agreed that Bozo is one unknown comic who should be performing with a paper bag over her head.

She looks like what would happen if  Debbie Wasserman-Schultz was impregnated by a heroin-addicted circus clown. I'm a Catholic nun, but after that performance I'm re-thinking my stance on contraception.

The red-headed devil child insulted Sarah Hackabee-Sanders. Now,if you took away Sarah's class, intelligence, grace, and beauty, you know what you'd have?......Michelle Wolf!

All the laughing metrosexual hyenas at the White House Correspondent's Dinner should have their knuckles smacked. Demon-possessed jerks.

Mother Mary, full of grace.....

I'm glad that our wonderful President didn't attend this 'dinner'. He should have sent an armada of exorcists instead.

One good thing has resulted from Bozo's performance. I understand that the National Emergency Broadcast System will be using that nasally, whiny siren in case of  a national emergency.

God bless.

This Is Bullshit (Facebook And Obamacare)

Let me get this straight. A few weeks ago, Facebook embattled CEO Mark Zuckerberg was called to testify before Congress. Everyone's having a cow over data mining, and people are angry over Facebook using your information. The last time I looked, no one's forcing you to sign up.

On the other hand, Obamacare was considered mandatory. Many Americans were actually harmed by this terrible legislation. Barack Obama committed consumer fraud when he said 'If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor.' 

Why isn't Barack Obama being called to testify before Congress? 

This Is Bullshit (The Stormy Daniels Story)

Let me get this straight. President Trump supposedly had an affair with porn actress Stormy Daniels 12 years ago, and they had an agreement that he will pay her $150,000 if she never tells anyone.

She takes the money, but tells the world about this supposed affair anyway.....and TRUMP'S LAWYER may be in legal trouble?

On top of that, her slimy lawyer is on CNN every day setting the narrative. What am I missing?

This Week On 'That's Incredibly Sick!' (Fire At Trump Tower)

This week on 'That's Incredibly Sick!', a fire at Trump Tower kills a man and injures several firefighters, and sick, Trump-hating douches joke about it on Twitter.

What makes these weirdos tick? Find out on this episode of 'That's Incredibly Sick!'

The Barack Obama Weather Report (April 3, 2018)

Global warming caught up with the Easter Bunny on Sunday. It was 11 degrees in Minneapolis, and if you added in the wind chill, it felt like 3 degrees. DAMN YOU, GLOBAL WARMING!!!

Oh, this just in! There's a Winter storm alert until tomorrow, and we expect 6-8 more inches of snow. I blame America and the industrialized West for this. It's STILL WAY TOO WARM.

If you remember, I brought the coal industry to it's knees before they could destroy the Earth as well as your children's future. The orange man is bringing the coal industry back and ruining the planet.

Now, he's ruining my legacy as he rolls back my beloved gas mileage emission standards. Soon, bald eagles will begin to spontaneously combust and your children will die from heatstroke.

As the Republicans allow the polluters to choke Mother Earth, the coastlines will recede, drowning millions of Americans. To combat global warming, we should rely on clean, reliable solar energy and unicorn farts.

That's the Barack Obama weather report. Back to you, Colleen and Bill!

BREAKING NEWS: TRUMP TO ANNOUNCE RESIGNATION TOMORROW

Yuk, yuk, yuk. Happy April Fools Day to all you anti-Trump haters out there.