Bert And Ernie Sets The Record Straight

Recently, a writer for Sesame Street disclosed that buddies Bert and Ernie are gay. We thought that we'd let the duo respond to this claim:

Bert: Thanks RedSquirrel Report....

Thanks for letting us respond. While, it's true that Ernie and I are very close friends, we have not nor ever had a gay relationship.

Ernie: That's right, Bert. We are two red-blooded, hetero dudes. We like girls. When Bert and I go out, it's boy's night out. I'm his wing-man, because....

Bert: No, Ernie, It's not like that. We're Muppets, and we don't really have any type of sexuality, and.... 

Ernie: Hey buddy, SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!!! The writer outed us, and I'm really sick of these political correctness bastards ruining our innocence! Also.....I LIKE GIRLS!!!!

They've ruined education, movies, television, childhood, music, and religion. Now, these pro-Sodomite jerks are telling everyone that we're gay.

Bert: Not that there's anything wrong with that....

Ernie: Dammit Bert, there you go again! You're so wishy-washy and politically-correct! Maybe I should REALLY come out of the closet, and tell the world who I really am!

O.K., here it comes!!! I VOTED FOR DONALD TRUMP, I WATCH FOX NEWS, I WANT ILLEGAL ALIENS OUT OF OUR COUNTRY, AND I LIKE GIRLS!!!!

Bert: Wow, Ernie. I never really thought that much about politics. I thought we were just two lovable characters on a TV show for kids, though adults think we are cute, too.

Ernie: So, if you're a grown man that thinks Bert and Ernie are cute, does that make you gay?

Bert: I don't think so.

Ernie: So, let's wrap this up. Bert and Ernie are not gay. We're Muppets. Our characters are just buddies, and we want to keep our innocence.

Bert: I love you, man.

Ernie: (laughs)