Somehow, I sold guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers, committed treason against America too many times to count, and ignored the separation of powers....and avoided prosecution for a myriad of crimes against the American People!
A week before I was elected president, I vowed to 'fundamentally transform' this racist, unjust nation, and promised 'hope and change'. It's not FAIR that The United States flaunt her affluence, power, and freedom, so I knocked this country down a few pegs. I ran this government like a third-world dictatorship!
I am proud that under my rule race relations has greatly improved. Now, Black Americans can exercise their right to engage in 'The Knock-out Game' all over the fruited plain and jump all over police cars. However, our battle continues. Soon, White Americans will pay reparations for slavery! I may not get to the promised land....or maybe I might!
We remember the 'gentle giant' Michael Brown and murder victim Trayvon Martin. They remind us that this country still has a long way to go when it comes to race relations.
We will not ever be treated equal until we nationalize the police. I regret that I was never able to have my fully-functioning 'National Civilian Security Force'. Adolf Hitler had his Gestapo, but he was White.
It's just not fair.........
I tried to bring 'sensible' gun control to this racist nation, but those maniacs at The National Rifle Association obstructed my efforts. Hopefully, my friends at the UN can do something about gun violence in this country.
However, I brought affordable health care to all Americans, undocumented immigrants, and Syrian migrants alike. I promised the American People that 'if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor', but that right-wing gasbag Rush Limbaugh and obstructionist Republicans in Congress stopped me from fully fulfilling that promise.
(sniff) I just realized that on January 20 you pitiful Americans will no longer have me as your President. Do not worry, for I am setting up my shadow government to keep the orange man in check.....unless he indicts me and most of my inner circle first.
That brings me to my former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton. I believe that she was cheated out of the presidency by Vladimir Putin and his hackers. We will need an army of 'community organizers' to riot and harass the illegitimate president-elect until he resigns from office and Hillary is installed as the rightful puppet....i mean....president.
But I say this to you (sniff)...
Don't be discouraged. When they go low, we go high. We Democrats are born to rule, tax, and punish the other side. We are the party of the Obama phone and generous welfare benefits. We are the party of the rigged voter machine. We are the party of Hollywood, CNN, undocumented 'dreamers' and CAIR!
And speaking of undocumented 'dreamers', let me tell you about 'another dreamer.' The Reverend Martin Luther King said, 'I have a dream.' His dream is our dream! Let's make it happen!!!
Aztlan Now! Allahu Akbar!!!!
That's my time (sniff)!!!!
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