A Statement From A Disappointed Republican Eeyore

Here to analyze the lackluster performance of The G.O.P. is our Disappointed Republican Eeyore:

Darn, Pooh, there was no Republican Tsunami. We were supposed to turn 50-80 House seats and 5-8 Senate seats. What the heck happened? 

It was that loser Donald Trump! We Republicans should always listen to Never-Trumpers, CNN, and MSNBC to tell us what we should do. They would NEVER gaslight the American public! It seems Donald Trump is just a drag on The G.O.P.

If only we would listen to winners like Mitt Romney  we would be drinking champagne right now. Mitt Romney doesn't tweet mean things.

On the other hand, the old, wise turtle Mitch McConnell dumped tons of campaign cash on Senator Lisa Murkowski. Yay! (yawn).

A lot of our candidates oppose the killing of unborn babies, so of course we lost many races because Abortion is a constitutional right! Millions of voters voted because of they think Republicans attack Democracy and.......so.....on......moreless.

About 80% of the voters whio took part in exit polls were dissatisfied with the state of the economy, but apparently that  didn't translate into votes. It looks like violent crime doesn't really matter to many Americans, so Democrats retain control of The Senate. Darn, We suck!

If only Republicans stopped listening to Trump. He supported around 130 candidate or so, and about 20 lost. Sheesh, talk about a kiss of death! Woe is us!

If only John McCain was still alive...............

I hope that Elizabeth Chaney never leaves the Republican party. We need her loyalty and insight to guide us through this rough time.

Maybe I'll join the Losertarians. I'm so depressed.

 

Ralphie Wiggum Analyzes The 2022 Mid-Term Elections

Here to give his 1 cent (2 cents is asking a bit much) is our Junior Political Analyst, Ralphie Wiggum. 

Hi America!

In Minnesota, God-like Bergermeister-Miesterberger Tim Walz won re-election because he saved Minnesota from Covid! Ilhan Omar won re-election. People get on her case because she married her own brother (She's related to him). My Dad and my Mom are married. They're also related. I don't see the problem.

It's terrific that Minnesota Democrats are talking about Abortion protections now that they have control. Babies need to be protected from being born. They should have the right to be torn limb-from-limb in their mommy's tummy.. The fat lady in Georgia said that inflation is bad right now, so one way to save money is to abort your unviable tissue mass. I was sad when she lost.

I like Uncle John Festerman because he thinks and speaks just like ME! In fact, I hope to be just like him when I grow up! He wants to free the prisoners because he saw The Shawshank Redemption. 

I want to make Carbonite illegal because I saw Han Solo encased in it on The Empire Strikes Back. Princess Leia loves him! That darn Darth Vader is such a Republican meanie! So is that Jabba The Hut!

I was surprised when I learned that The Wizard of Oz was running in Pennsylvania. He's a good man, but a bad wizard. He's an even worse candidate.

I think President Biden is GREAT, although he likes to sniff girl's hair and neck. STRANGER DANGER!!!! Last week I was eating some glue, and thought it was unpossible to speak as well as President Biden. Uncle Festerman beats him by a mile! I couldn't speak at all because I ate super glue.

I don'r like all this 'red wave' talk. I saw that video on YouTube where hundreds of people drowned in Indonesia. That made me cry. Then I ate some crayons, and I felt better. Then I got sick. My barf was pretty.

I think I should be a professional vote counter in Arizona. I'd do a better job, and it would only take 3 or 4 days if I counted the ballots by myself. The schools must be bad if the poll workers have trouble counting the ballots. 

It's strange that everybody is so unhappy about crime and the economy, then the voters re-elect all the politicians who caused the problems. Am I the only one who thinks this?

It's a great idea to vote for Democrat mayors. After all, they're experts in criminal activity. Whoops, I just super-glued my head to my shoulder. Help me!

Nicholae Carpathia's Post-Election Statement

Here to make a statement on The 2022 Mid-term elections is The Anti-Christ:

It's fantastic that our Democrat hypocrites bitch about 'voter suppression' while mailing out ballots to their voters. It is super easy-peasey voting everywhere if you're a Democrat! MEANWHILE, Republican voters stand in line on Election Day for 5-6 hours and are told that the machines aren't working and there's not nearly enough ballots. My biased, darling news media lies non-stop!

I am very disappointed that Tracy Abrams came up short. She told Georgia voters to abort their babies because the economy is in the toilet. It would have been great to have ANOTHER MOLOCH WORSHIPPER IN POWER!

Another  pro-Abortion disciple, The Reverend  Raphael Warnock will have a run-off with that Christian, goody two-shoes Herschel Walker. Of course, my demons will make sure our candidate will win. Fire up the Dominion Voting Machines!

Up in Minnesota, Democrats swept al state-wide races. The urban voters in The Gopher State love corruption, like being told what to do., and they are really into KILLING UNBORN BABIES! They will gladly take my mark! The local news stations have them SO DECEIVED!!!

ALL HAIL SATAN!!!!!!

It looks like OUR SPEAKER Nancy Pelosi will lose her speakership if those Republicans win the majority in The House of Representatives. It would be quite damaging to the satanic cause if we lose her evil leadership. The Unclean Spirit living inside her head will FREAK!

I am pleased that our BEAST with the bulge in his neck, John 'Goliath' Fetterman, won his race against Mahmet Oz. Our giant's victory over their 'David' was a great victory and proves that a horrible candidate can win if you decieve enough voters and rig the voter machines.  Remember, if you're not cheating, you're not trying!

In New York, our Governor Kathy Hochul defeated law-and-order Republican Lee Zeldin. How dare Zeldin try to stand in the way of our violent criminals! Three cheers for murders, violent assaults,  and carjackings!!!!

The Wicked Witch of The Mid-West DEMOCRAT Governor Gretchen Whitmer won re-election! Hey G.O.P......Ding-Dong! The witch is alive!!!!

I want to give a special shout-out to our false prophets at CNN and MSNBC, as well as NBC, CBS, AND ABC NEWS!!!! Your lies stopped the Red Wave.

In closing, I want to address our Florida Governor Ron DeSantis problem. That damnable DeSantis won his election by 20 points. What do we do about HIM? I want your best ideas by the end of the day. C'MON DEMONCRATS. THINK!!!!!

ALL HAIL SATAN!!!!

John Fetterman's Victory Speech

In one stunning result Tuesday night, Brain-damaged Democrat John Fetterman won his contest against Republican Mahmet Oz. Here he is to deliver his victory speech:

Goodnight, everybody. Me win election football hanburger abortion good. Me win fly like Philadelphia Eagles to fluffy nest in Washington.

Now we must free violent criminal prison inmates like Morgan Freeman in Shawshank Redemption. Good Hunter Biden good job with Ukraine. Everyone wins. I help President Biden do good job.

Mom and me go shopping for clothes, and she bought me another wear hoodie and black shorts for my inuguration.  Bump on my neck likes winning hotdog baseball Ritz Crackers.

We make rich Republicans pay fair share for no more fracking. I support fracking. Vaccines for every arm and free checks and ballots in every mailbox. Thank you dropboxes and Dominion

Coal is dirty, rotten job. My job is stopping dirty coal mines dirty pretty trees and climate change will kill everyone. We must stop FOXNEWS information pollution and rich Orange Man!

We build back better and inflation reduction and everyone needs to wear their Covid masks because Democrats care Ketchup and chocolate face. Sprinkles TOO!!!

I thank The great Oprah for giving me her big thumbs up endorsement. She is queen of Planet Earth!

I have to go back to Mom's basement and take a nap.

I will take vow on Soviet Constitution, and rock my black hoodie. THANK YOU, PENNSYLVANIA!

 

Biden's Final Pitch

Tomorrow is Election Day, and here to give The Democrat's final pitch is the leader of their party, Joe Biden:

First of all, we Democrats don't need your votes. Just like we stole the election of 2020 as well as the election in Brazil, my team of election thieves will make sure that Democrats retain control of both houses of Congress. As my hero Joe Stalin told me just the other day, 'Elections are not determined by who votes, but WHO COUNTS the votes.'

We put forth some HORRIBLE candidates, but we are confident that we can steal any election anywhere. I can say the most indecent, hateful, incoherent, slanderous junk and you Republicans can't stop us from winning. 

We will keep counting until we win. It may take weeks.

In fact, we are watching how people vote, and we're thinking about throwing Republican voters in our secret prisons. This is a warning to all 81,000,000 Trump voters! You people are a threat to Democracy!

Remember, speech is violence. So is voting for MAGA Republicans!

All MAGA conservatives contributed to the attack on Paul Pelosi, so most of you will be recieving a visit from my Gestapo Federal Bureau of Intimidation. We will knock on your doors and give you 5 seconds to open the door before we smash the door in, making your small rugrats cry. 

You Republicans don't stand a chance! You vote, then go to work, then head home to watch the returns. We Democrat like to vote early,, stuff ballot boxes, vote for the dead, send millions of ballots to addresses where no one even lives, wage lawfare, rig vote machines, harvest votes, and invent brand new ways of cheating!!!

After we win, we will overrun your small towns with dangerous, violent criminals, kill your kids with candy laced with Fentanyl, force you to wear a slave Covid mask and take dangerous, untested drugs developed by Big Pharma. Your 8-year-olds belong to US!!!!

We will sell America out to globalists, raise your taxes, gorge on your paychecks, all the while we lie our asses off. We will chop your unborn babies to pieces, and chop your son's dick off..... 

 .....and if you oppose us, you're a NAZI!!!

We demand that you submit to us. We might allow you to take off your slave masks to eat BUGS. If we catch you buying a steak, we will investigate your bank accounts. Remember, YOU WILL OWN NOTHING AND YOU WILL BE HAPPY!!!!

Soon, it will be illegal to own a car that runs on gasoline! Everyone will be living on top of each other in 50-story high-rises. D.C. will pass more legislation that enriches us while driving you into the poorhouse!

We don't really need your vote. We hate Normal-America. Vote for us anyway......OR ELSE!

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN

Carnac The Magnificent Political Analyst: Mr. Potatohead, Ron DeSantis, And Charlie Crist

The RedSquirrel Report welcomes into our midst the amazing visitor from The East. Seer, soothsayer, and NEWS ANALYST......CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT!

A thousand welcomes, oh GREAT NEWS ANALYST! I hold in my hand an envelope containing a news script. The envelope has been hermetically sealed. It's been kept in a mayonnaise jar on Greg Gutfeld's front porch since noon yesterday. NO ONE knows what is written on this piece of paper inside the envelope except for you.....CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT!!!!

In your mystical and borderline divine way will ascertain the secret answer written on this piece of paper, having never before seeing it.

Quiet everybody.

Carnak holds the envelope over his eyes, pauses for a moment, and says........

"MR. POTATOHEAD, FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS, and CHARLIE CRIST!"...........

Carnac tears the envelope open, blows into it, and reads what the message says.......

"NAME A SPUD, A STUD, AND A DUD....."

The crowd laughs and cheers loudly.

PARODY SONG ALERT!!! BILLY JOEL SINGS 'THROWING OUT THE DEMOCRAT BUMS ('ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG')

Here to sing the new Republican campaign song is Billy Joel, to the tune of his big hit 'Only The Good Die Young'. Hit it:

Come out Katie Hobbs, Why won't you debate?

You're getting crushed by rock star Kari Lake

You think that you're just gonna skate

The mainstream news media is so stunned

You tore down our statues, your lunatic, leftist base

You burned down our cities, and locked patriots away

Tim Walz is a failure, Mark Kelly is two-faced

Warnock preaches Abortion

We're throwing out you Democrat bums

On Election Day

We're throwing out the Democrat bums

You Democrat bums

'Defund the police' screamed your dangerous crowd

Now, it seems some of you don't seem so proud

You don't want to say the quiet part too loud

even with all the lies you spun

Now you're stealing Republican yard signs

Lying TV ads, Democrats hiding behind

America sees through all of your lies

Wave goodbye to John Fetterman

We're throwing out you Democrat bums

on Election Day

Say Goodbye to the Democrat bums

Democrat bums

You fill your TV ads with lies and misinformation

Your act is growing old,

All the lies you told

America has had enough of all your corruption

We'll vote in a new Majority

Once again we'll be the home of the free, Whoa-oh-oh-oh.............

On Election Night we'll be having a good time

Our victory parties we'll be drinking some wine

On CNN they'll be cryin'

when all is said and done

We're throwing out the Democrat bums

The Democrat bums

we're throwing out you Democrat bums

The Democrat bums

You'll bring out all your election deniers

who never tell the truth

You deserve to lose

You're running with you pants on fire

Everyone knows that you suck

Biden's a lame duck, Woa-whoa-whoa-whoa

Come on Kathy Hochul, you're running out of time

New Yorkers are sick of all the violent crime

The new polls tell us you're falling behind

We're electing Lee Zeldon

We're throwing out the Democrat bums

Democrat bums

Throwing out the Democrat bums

out on their cans

We're throwing out the Democrat bums

Democrat bums

Democrat bums