March 17, 2020: Minnesota Is Shut Down

Hello, I am the Governor of Minnesota, Tim Walz. Capital T....i....m....Capital W....a....l...z...

I have received word that a terrible disease is sweeping the entire world, and that it will surely kill more than 2 million Americans by June. I have directed my people to create a DIAL that will guide us through this pandemic, and hopefully the human race will not become extinct by September.

I am consulting with the experts, and they say that about 60,000 Minnesotans will die by August 1. Knowing this terrible fact, I am ordering a shut-down of the state.  

The residents of Minnesota will be encouraged to stay locked inside their homes, although you will be allowed to go outside and exercise in the prison exercise yard....I mean, within 100 yards from your front door.

You will also be allowed to shop for food. Your welcome.

And Now, A Message From Joe Biden

Hello, all you dog-faced so-and-so's,

I am here in Iowa, or Indiana, or Michigan, or somewhere else, running my campaign for Senate. I can't remember where I'll be tomorrow. I used to be a real good boxer, but had to go into politics after suffering a concussion against Corn Pops. 

You know, we hold these truths to be self evident, That all men and well-endowed women are created by the thing. You know the thing...........Oh wow, I almost said 'God.' If the Democrat party leaders catch you showing reverence to the almighty, they throw you out!

I am happy that Amy whatshername, Michael Bloomberg, the other gay guy, and that other damned liar dropped out of the race, or my old boss Barack Obama would have had to send 2 guys to break their legs. It was time for the moderates to get behind 'Ole Joe.

It's down to 3 candidates. Myself, Bernie Sanders, and Tulsi Giblets. You may wonder what it will take to win this nomination. It will take a 4-letter word: VOTES!

Remember Black voters, if you don't vote for me....you ain't......BLACK!

I'm really tired. I'm going home, and take a good, long nap. See ya in November....

John Denver: Come Fill Out Your Census

The 2020 Census is happening, and I think it should have it's own jingle.

Come fill out your Census
It's how we count us
It's how we determine
local and state aid

It's how we know
our population
Just fill out your census
or we'll show up at your door : )

The RedSquirrel Is Coming Out of Lock-Down. More To Come

Your bushy-tailed correspondent has been on lock-down (without internet) in a his tree since March 17th, and he's ready to get back to business. My hair looks terrible, but the terrific jobs report has inspired me. More to come.

Dr. Walter Turgeson: TRUMP WAS RIGHT. SAY IT!!!!

And now, our expert's press conference starts:

The President is working closely with The CDC and state governors to control this virus, and if things go well, we can go back to normal in a few weeks.

If you're already infected or if you're already sick, we urge you to stay home and self-quarantine yourself. We also urge every American to wash your hands often with warm, soapy water for 20 seconds. We also suggest that you practice social distancing.

Now, I must take this time to set a few facts straight. It's a popular, fashionable opinion that President Trump has been lacking in leadership and the news media has been unceasingly critical of his job performance during this critical time , but:

WE'RE DOING THE BEST WE CAN! WHILE YOU TRUMP-HATING NATTERING NABOBS ARE GETTING ON HIS CASE, HE IS DOING HIS BEST. WHEN HE ISSUED THE TRAVEL BAN FROM CHINA IN JANUARY AND SAVED THOUSANDS OF LIVES, YOU ASSHOLES ACCUSED HIM OF BEING A XENOPHOBIC RACIST. 

WHILE HE WAS SAVING LIVES AND TRYING TO PROTECT THIS COUNTRY, THE DEMOCRATS WERE BUSY IMPEACHING HIM!

WHEN OBAMA WAS PRESIDENT, 19,000 AMERICANS DIED FROM THE SWINE FLU, BUT YOU JERK-OFFS WERE SO BUSY GIVING HIM A TONGUE BATH YOU DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO ASK HIM ANY TOUGH QUESTIONS! 

NOTHING WAS CANCELLED.WITH BARRY IN THE WHITE HOUSE! THE NBA, NFL, NHL, THE NCAA, THE COLLEGES, PRIMARY ED WAS ALL WIDE OPEN FOR BUSINESS! 

PRESIDENT TRUMP IS DOING A FINE JOB! SAY IT!!!!!SAAAAAAAY IT!!!!

I Am Michael Bloomberg, And I Approve Of This Message

In 2012, there was a crisis in New York City. People were drinking soft drinks in REALLY HUGE cups. Luckily for New York City, Michael Bloomberg was the mayor.

He sprung to action, and quickly banned those large drinks.

Thanks to Michael Bloomberg, obesity in The Big Apple decreased by almost 0000,0075%

Michael Bloomberg: Getting Things Done

The Coronavirus Song ( 'Dirty Laundry' By Don Henley)

The scaremongering news media ghouls are trying to scare us to death over Coronavirus, even though almost no Americans have died from it. Here to tell us about it is Don Henley. Hit it, Goldenthroat:

I make a living off of scaring you
Just believe the BS and jive we spew
We will leave you shaking in you shoes
Here comes Coronavirus

There's a pandemic in China and it's coming here
CNN is screaming, screaming in your ears
We create a state of panic and fear
Here comes Coronavirus

We blame it all on Trump, This will take him down
Blame it all on Trump, This will take him down

The bubble-headed anchor comes on at 5
He'll hype the danger and panic with a gleam in his eye
You are all going to die
from the Coronavirus

They're telling us to 'Bring out your dead'
There won't be enough hospital beds
So much fear and worry we will fill your heads
Here comes the Cornavirus

We blame it all on Trump, This will take us down
Blame it all on Trump, Dow Jones sinking down
Blame it all on Trump, This will take him down
We are gonna die, Blame that impeached clown

Dirty little media spreading crazy lies
They're gonna smear the prez, The sickness weaponized
How much crap are you gonna buy?
Here comes the Coronavirus

We can do the innuendo, we're just a bunch of ghouls
More when it's said and done, more people are killed by the flu
We hope that you become unglued
Here comes the Coronavirus

Blame it all on Trump, This will take him down
We are gonna die, Everyone in town
Blame it all on Trump, This will take him down
Every ones's gonna die, Death is all around