President Trump's Kick-Ass Address: A Commentary By Eric Cartman

On March 4th, President Trump delivered an address to a joint meeting of Congress. He spoke for over an hour, announcing his agenda before cheering Republicans and dour Democrats.

Here to react to the address is our Junior D.C. Correspondant, Eric Cartman:

Thanks, Red. Our kick-ass President delivered an address before Congress, and it was KEWL! He promised to get rid of shitty government employees who won't come in to work, and get rid of destructive crappy, corrupt government programs that rob us tax payers! SHWEEET!!!

He told us about nunerous ways that those USAID crooks rip us off, sending our money to foreign countries, laundering money, and defrauding the taxpayer. I don't want my money going to Zimbabwe for sex-change operations. THAT'S BULLSHIT!!!

During the address, The president usually introduces guests they want to honor. In Trump's address, here was this kid D.J. DANIEL who survived brain cancer, and he dreams about being a cop. I thought 'THAT'S SO KEWL!! I SOMETIMES DREAM about being a cop and SMACKING PEOPLE WITH MY BATON WHO WON'T RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH!!!. Trump even gave him a BADGE!!!

The Republicans stood and cheered the kid, but the asshole democrats didn't. They won't stand for the kid who fought and beat brain cancer, but they'll KNEEL FOR THAT CRIMINAL THUG GEORGE FLOYD. DAMN, THAT PISSES ME OFF!!!

Trump also honored the family of Laken Riley, the Nursing student murdered by a psychotic illegal alien. Once again, The Republicans stood for them and The Democrats didn't.

What is THEIR problem??? It's like they have a bug up their ass....

Trump also honored a volleyball player who got her face smashed in by a cross-dressing trans wierdo who spiked the ball in her face. What the fuh IS A GUY DOING IN A GIRL'S SPORT???

Early in the address, The Geico Caveman started yelling and shaking his pimp cane at President Trump, and he was thrown out. Who the Hell voted for The Geico Caveman???

Since he was inaugurated, President Trump has been working fast, bringing in Elon Musk to find corruption, fraud, and graft in the federal government. Corruption pisses me off!

He wants to end the war between Ukraine and Russia, but Senator Fauxcahontas wants to keep the war going. Bitch.

Instead of demanding a billion dollars from the American taxpayers and getting real people killed, I suggest that Zelensky and Putin just buy a bag of little green soldiers and play war instead. Leave real people alone to live their lives. These leaders are douches.

Trump also talked about other stuff like energy and inflation. I was hoping to see his Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. She looks like the First Grade teacher everybody has a crush on.. She kicks ass!

Well, that's my report. This is Eric Cartman. Screw you guys, I'm outta here!!!.