Eric Cartman Reports from Tuesday Night's State Of The Union Address

On Tuesday, President Trump delivered his State of the Union Address. Here to comment on the speech is our cub correspondent, Eric Cartman:

I am happy to report that the state of the union IS KICKING ASS!!!!

Our AWESOME President addressed Inflation (The homo COMMIE LEFTISTS call it ''AFFORDABILITY'' and deporting ILLEGAL ALIENS. ILLEGAL ALIENS PISS ME OFF!!! He ALSO awarded some people medals, and that was KEWL!!!

At the beginning of the SOTU, THE GEICO CAVEMAN (Texas Rep. Al Green) STARTED YELLING LIKE AN ASSHOLE, and he was taken out. I sure hope he gets psychiatric help for that TDS. It must be hard for a DEMOCRAT caveman to cope in the modern age

THAT ROTTEN, Somali CORRUPTOCRAT Ilhan Omar started FLIPPING OUT and flapping her yap. I wish that Trump would have announced her deportation In fact, I wish some I.C.E. agents would've showed up to arrest her and that ugly, obnoxious MOHAMMADON Rashida Tlaib. YOU WILL RESPECT I.C.E. AUTHORITAH, AND YOU WILL RESPECT THE PRESIDENT'S AUTHORITAH!!!!

Us Normal Americans like Trump because he's deporting illegal aliens,. Many of them are violent lunatics, rapists, murderers, human traffickers, and drug dealers. Of course, the CORRUPT communist-democrats send their protestors to harass and assault our I.C.E. agents. I'm sure that we have video, and hopefully The F.B.I. will be paying these haters a visit.

The demonrats need illegal aliens and third-world criminal voters because Normal Americans will not vote for these corrupt, looney douches.

Real Americans loved it when our GOLD-MEDAL HOCKEY TEAM SHOWED UP. I was wondering why the democrats wouldn't even stand for our hockey team. Did somebody break their legs?

In the corrupt, America-hating government schools, we see green-haired, commie looneybirds take their students OUT OF CLASS to protest I.C.E. They have replaced reading and writing with revolution and rioting. We will defund these failing, rotting government schools and reward the good schools. 

The idiotic, hateful democrats didn't even stand when President Trump asked if everyone would agree that the government's most important job is protecting The American People. Even an 8-year-old like me knows THAT! The dems must think that their most important job is defrauding the taxpayers. 

Corrupt assholes.

Trump also asked Congress to pass THE SAVE ACT. Democrats are against it because they have to CHEAT to win elections. CHEATERS!!!! Trump honored ANGEL FAMILIES  (families hurt by violent, third-world ILLEGAL ALIENS. The Republicans stood for the victims, while the DEMONIC Dems sat on their fat duffs. Damn, they PISS ME OFF!!!!

When Trump mentioned ''INSIDER TRADING'' Nutty Nancy Pelosi almost choked on her dentures.Well, that's it from The Trump State of the Union. Back to you, RED......

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HEADLINE: U.S.A. HOCKEY TEAM WINS GOLD (JOYLESS, LEFTIST KILLJOYS HARDEST HIT)

 

We Polled 5,000 Public School Students, And Asked Them To Rank The Presidents

It was President's Day on Monday, and we decided to ask 5,000 High School students currently enrolled in government schools across the country to rank the presidents. Most of theese scholars were busy  outside protesting federal I.C.E. agents, but eventually they returned to class and took this poll.

Here's the results:

1. The greatest President EVER is Barack Hussein Obama because he was our First Black President and because our green-haired teacher(s) told us he was.

2. Alexander Hamilton (never a president) was ranked #2. Actually the original star in the Broadway musical Lin Manuel Miranda was ranked the second-greatest president.

3. George Washington was ranked at number 3. Father of the Country. First in war, first in peace, and LAST PLACE IN THE EASTERN CONFERENCE. He could not be allowed to be #1 because of White privilege.

4. Alexandria Bernie Sanders Ocasio-Cortez. (Never a president) Our green-haired teacher's favorite president. From what we heard, this non-president was A BIG supporter of Socialism and Drag Queen Story Hour.

5. Bill Clinton. Nearly ALL of the students polled could only name 5 or 6 presidents.

6. Frankin Delano Roosevelt. He saved the country from The Great Depression and THE DONALD TRUMP NAZIS.

7, Abraham Lincoln. The Civil War Guy with the Big Hat. He freed the slaves, and that was a big deal.

8. Ronald Reagan. He polled well with Republican students who were immediately expelled when their green-haired teachers found out some of the students had the nerve of ranking A REPUBLICAN in the top 10.

9.. Jimmy Carter. Nobody knows ANYTHING about him, but he has a nice smile.

10.. Joe Biden. He saved our climate from climate change.

11, Richard Nixon. He said he  ''wasn't a crook.''

12-45. We know NOTHING about these guys. Many of the students polled thought that Oprah Winfrey was once a president.

46-47. The WORST President in the poll was current President Donald Trump because he's a NAZI and throws undocumented immigrants out of the country. Nearly ALL of the government school students polled were protesting HIS I.C.E. GESTAPO. HE'S AN ORANGED-HAIRED MEANY AND THEY HATE HIM ON THE VIEW, CNN, AND MSNBC!!!!!

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, OUR GREEN-HAIRED TEACHERS HATE HIM!!!!!

THE COMMUNIST-DEMOCRAT MANIFESTO

1. Everything we IMMORAL, CORRUPT, COMMUNIST-Democrats APPROVE OF must be made mandatory, and EVERYTHING WE COMMUNIST-DEMOCRATS DON'T APPROVE OF must be made illegal.

2. WE Democrats do not approve of THE DEATH PENALTY, except for INNOCENT, UNBORN BABIES.

3. WHEN IT COMES TO WINNING ELECTIONS, THE ENDS JUSTIFIES THE MEANS!!!

4. There is NOTHING WRONG with accusing our enemies of what WE'RE GUILTY OF.

5. We call our opponents NAZIs, so that justifies us threatening and persecuting them.

6. WE ARE COMMUNIST-DEMOCRATS, SO NONE YOUR SILLY LITTLE LAWS APPLY TO US!!! WE WERE BORN TO RULE OVER OUR ENEMIES

7. We shall use our government positions to REWARD our CORRUPT SUPPORTERS, AND our CORRUPT SUPPORTERS SHALL REWARD US WITH FRAUD, GRAFT, AND MONEY LAUNDERING.

8. It is not CHILD MUTILATION!!!! It is GENDER AFFIRMATION!!!! SCREWING WITH THE LANGUAGE IS HOW WE WIN!!!!

9. We (as well as our voters) would rather rule over ashes THAN ALLOW OUR ENEMIES TO GOVERN!!! It is better to be ruled by third-world criminals, MOHAMMADONS, and violent illegal aliens than a REPUBLICAN!!!!

10. We COMMUNIST-DEMOCRATS believe in PERSECUTING CHRISTIANS AND SHOVING ISLAM DOWN YOUR THROAT!

Ralph Wiggum: Let's Protest I.C.E.!!!

In communist-leftist government schools across the country, the ''teachers'' are leading their students in protests against Immigration Customs Enforcement agents. They've replaced reading and writing with revolution and rioting.

Here to comment on this is 8-year-old student Ralph Wiggum:

Woo-Hoo!!! Melt the I.C.E.!!!! Oh-no!!! I just glued my ear to my shoulder!!!

Me and my fellow students are walking out of class because my teacher has green hair and hates The President!!!! Super-Ninendo Intendent Chombers and the teachers are printing protest signs for us because nobody knows how to spell.

Nelson Muntz is going to jail because he threw a bottle rocket at the I.C.E. agents. Don't worry, all the local judges are from Minneapolis!

In class we learned that I.C.E. agents are NAZIs!, and our teacher teached us that we better stop them before they send us all to concentration camps! The I.C.E. agents tell us they are going after murderers, rapists, and drug dealers. I don't take drugs but I do eat Play-Doh sometimes.

I like protesting because i hate taking tests....or being called on. The other kids laugh at me a lot. When I don't know the answer I just glue my lips together until one of the smart kids raises their hand.

Our teachers teach us to hate I.C.E. When I see someone who looks like I.C.E., I blow my whistle and scream ''I.C.E. STRANGER DANGER!!!!''

We see a lot of old people protesting too. It looks like they must have been held back at least 40 or 50 years. They must go to one of those ''special schools.''

Oh, CRAP.....I just glued my eyelids together!!!

An Islamic Scholar Opposes Valentine's Day

It's Valentines Day in America, as men woo the women in their life, offering candy, cards, flowers, or a nice, romantic dinner. Today, we hear from Islamic scholar (Isn't''Islamic scholar'' an oxymoron?) Abdul Abu Mohammad, who has an opposing view of Valentine's Day.:

Once again, I must chastise and correct the infidels celebrating this cursed Western holiday. Like EVERYTHING else that you do, THIS EVIL Western holiday is Haram, offending ALLAH and the adherents of the Religion of Peace!!!!

Valentine's Day is HARAM!!! Men treating women WITH LOVE is as wrong as treating AN ANIMAL in a humane manner!!! We Muslims HATE WOMEN AND DOGS, and that's the way it should be!!!

You Westerners rape the Earth of it's cherries and chocolate when you should be raping 14-year-old girls!!! We Muslims treat women like animals, and sometimes treat animals like women because our imaginary moon idol TELLS US TO!!!'' ALLAHU AKBAR!!!!

Our God Allah hates it when a man gives a woman chocolate OR FLOWERS OR ANYTHING THAT MIGHT PUT A SMILE ON HER FACE!!! A smiling woman showing her lips SHALL BE STONED TO DEATH!!!!! THREE CHEERS FOR SHARIA!!!

Also, if a man shaves his beard he should be PUNISHED!! A man with no beard looks like a woman and is BLATANTLY TEMPTING US MUSLIMS!!!!! A man should not love a woman. Instead he should have 4 wives and treat them LIKE ANIMALS!!!! LOVE IS BLASPHEMY!!!!

Western men kiss a woman on Valentine's Day while we Muslims make suicide vests and blow ourselves up for Allah!!! THAT'S why Islam is SUPERIOR!!!!!

BY THE WAY,  you in the West make graven images in the snow that you call SNOWMEN. This too is HARAM!!!! It's okay if the snowman is HEADLESS AND..............STOP LAUGHING!!!!!!! Laughter is only acceptable after you've slaughtered a Jew or Christian!!!! Then you go to paradise and get 72 virgins and slaves!! ALLAHU AKBAR!!!!

 We will outnumber you and make Valentine's Day punishable by DEATH!!!! FREE PALESTINE!!!!!

MN DEMOCRATS DEMAND THEIR AGITATORS ''PUT THEIR BODIES ON THE LINE''

 

A few weeks ago, Minnesota Lieutenant Governor Peggy Flanagan urged  anti-ICE agitators to ''Put your bodies on the line''. Governor Tim Walz stood behind his governor's mansion metal gate and incited his supporters to cause ''good trouble''. Pandering Mayor Jacob Frey is telling everybody that ''We WON'T be intimidated!'' Into WHAT? Obeying and enforcing federal law? Arresting third-world child rapists, murderers, and drug traffickers?

D.F.L. government officials began inciting their rioters the same week that citizen journalist Nick Shirley exposed an UNBELIEVABLE level of D.F.L (Democrat fraudster-lunatic) corruption and Somali fraud. Minnesota Corruptocrats wanted these stories taken off the front page and are using their eager supporters to do their dirty work. So far, two unhinged Minnesotan leftists have lost their lives HARASSING, ASSAULTING AND THREATENING I.C.E. agents.

The corruptocrats currently running The State of Minnesota are urging on the riots, while the other 49 states are co-operating with the federal government. They are running the state into the ground and defrauding the taxpayers, but still cast themselves as ''the resistance.''

This reminds me of that classic Jack Chick Christian tract, ''The Poor Revolutionist'' where the dumb hippie revolutionaries overthrow the government only to be sentenced to death by their communist handlers. The dopey revolutionaries find out too late that they were only being used.

Some of these arrogant, decieved morons also blocked streets and operated illegal checkpoints like East German guards.

Of course, the same corruptocrats (like Peggy Flanagan) also led the insanely stupid DEFUND THE POLICE movement. 

Now that ICE's operation inside Minnesota has ended, the corruptocrats are declaring ''victory'', but their RAMPANT FRAUD AND CORRUPTION will return to the front page.