A Heatmiser Commentary: It's Called July, Folks

And now, our resident weather expert is here with a commentary:

It's the last week in July, and some people are surprised that it's hot ouside. Leftist politicians are blaming 'Global Climate Change' and 'Global Warming. Liberals who can't (or won't) do ANYTHING about the out of control crime in the cities they run say that they can control the weather. Hillary Clinton even blamed MAGA Republicans for the hot weather. WOW, Remind me to register as a MAGA Republican!

She probably would blame the creator of the universe if she even believed in God, and would blame him but he's not up for re-election in 2024.

A couple weeks ago, Minnesota Representative Ilhan Omar said that we are experiencing the hottest weather in a 120,000 years. I WISH!

But, thank God for the local news. I wonder what us dumb yokels would do if we didn't have local newscasters reminding us to 'drink plenty of water' and 'stay inside' or be at risk of heatstroke.

Still, some people like it hot. It seems that people COMPLAINING about Global Warming are being quite insensitive to us who support some good, steamy weather. 

This is Heatmiser, reporting from beautiful Phoenix, Arizona. (singing): I'M TOO MUCH!

Ted Koppell: What's With The Staff At Twitter?

Hello, I'm Ted Koppell, and this isn't Nightline.......

Two weeks ago, Joe Deal, known to his readers as 'RedSquirrel', was partially locked out of his Twitter account for 10 hours for suggesting someone should hit President Biden with a rolled-up newspaper. He was replying to a disgusting video of Resident Biden sniffing and inappropriatley touching small children, usually right in front of their parents. 

So, what did Mr. Deal do wrong? Apparently, you have to treat your leftist overlords like fragile fine china. Perhaps we need to wrap The President in bubblewrap or styrofoam popcorn because the staff of Twitter sees the so-called leader of the free world in a way most normal Americans DON'T.

Leftists on Twitter say the most vile, hateful things. Do they get suspended for breaking Twitter's weird, capricious rules of conduct? Do they even suspend terrorists or pedophiles for engaging in 'hateful misconduct' or 'abusive behavior?'?

There are literally SNUFF videos on Twitter, with people being seriously hurt and even MURDERED, but the staff at Twitter allow these vids to clog up our Twitter timelines. 

Mr. Deal was suspended twice before. This time, He was 'allowed' back on because he agreed to delete his 'rolled-up newspaper' crack. He thought, as we think, it was funny. It was just a joke. Who DOESN'T want to hit President Biden with a rolled-up newspaper?

Perhaps the Staff at Twitter needs to loosen up a little, calm down with a nice adult beverage. I suggest they watch some politically-incorrect YouTube videos from the 70's. My go-to TV fare are those hilarious Dean Martin Roasts, All In The Family, and Sanford And Son..

I've noticed how many sullen, joyless cancel cultists also run social media. These 'Karens' have taken all the joy out of modern life, and are on a constant look-out for ANY reason to be offended.

Comediene Rith Buzzi made a career of hitting her co-stars with a handbag. How is hitting President Biden with a rolled-up newspaper any different?

This is Ted Koppell. Goodnight.

Top 10 Terms Of Hunter Biden's Plea Deal His Lawyers REALLY WANTED

BREAKING NEWS: Hunter Biden's plea deal has fallen apart. His crime family lawyers wanted AN ULTRA-ULTRA LENIENT list of conditions AND all criminal charges currently being investigated STOPPED, AS WELL AS ALL FUTURE CRIMINAL REFERRALS ALSO BE DROPPED. 

TEAM HUNTER thought the judge, Maryellen Noreika, would either be fooled into the plea agreement or be your average, ultra-corrupt Eastern seaboard judge who would EAGERLY rubber-stamp ANYTHING BIDEN'S DOJ AND HUNTER'S LEGAL TEAM WANTED (They're working together to keep him out of jail). 

The judge surprised Hunter's legal team by not giving them what they wanted. When she denied them their RIDICULOUS plea deal, his team appeared shocked that she dare defy The Biden Legal/DOJ Machine.

We had an insider at the Delaware courthouse who overheard Biden's lawyers make their list of plea deal terms they REALLY wanted. Remember, THIS IS WHAT THE ARROGANT BIDEN CRIME FAMILY LAWYERS THOUGHT THEY COULD GET......

From our home office in Bovey, Minnesota, Here are The Top 10 Terms Of Hunter Biden's Plea Deal HIS LAWYERS REALLY WANTED:

10. 17-year-old Barron Trump must report to The White House and work as Biden's butler

   9. The Biden Crime Family must be awarded $20,000,000 for pain and suffering

   8. All illegals get to stay in the country. Melania Trump to be deported.

   7. Hunter Biden must be awarded 5-year supply of hookers and blow.

   6. Hunter to be relieved of any and all tax non-payment, and awarded a $40,000,000 tax refund.

   5. ALL presidential candidates other than Joe Biden must be rounded up and sent to Biden's J6 gulag.

   4. All charges dropped, even for any or all future crimes Hunter Biden commits

   3. The country's name, United States of America' to be changed to 'United States of Hunter'

   2. Hunter Biden will be awarded the exclusive rights to rebuild The Ukraine after the war with Russia is over

(....and the #1 term of Hunter Biden's Plea Deal is.......)

   1. The Justice Department will find 35-38 new bogus charges against Donald Trump

A Warning From Our Resident All-American Dad

Yesterday,  a man was found drowned just off the coast at Barack Obama's Martha's Vineyard estate. The victim was paddleboarding before his drowning.

As it turns out, the drowning victim, Tafari Campbell, was Barack Obama's family chef.

In June 2015, Bill Clinton's chef, Walter Scheib, died from drowning while hiking in New Mexico. There seems to be an eerie, not quite definable similarity between the two deaths.

Over 50 Americans who worked with or associated with Hillary Clinton have mysteriously also died, some violently.

Our resident All-American Dad, Harold Weir, offers this warning to the youth of America who are thinking about working for or with The Democrats..

I knew these two guys. One of the guys was Bill Clinton's personal chef, and the other guy was Barack Obama's chef. Know where these guys are NOW? They're DEAD! DROWNED!

I also know a bunch of people who worked with or for Hillary Clinton. Know where they all are now? They're DEAD! CLINTONCIDED!

MAYBE WE CAN DIG ALL THESE DEAD PEOPLE UP AND ASK THEM IF THEY'RE GLAD THEY WORKED WITH OR FOR THESE DEMOCRATS.......

An RSR Exclusive: Biden Attorney General Merrick Garland Memo: 'Sound Of Freedom' Is A Threat To Our Democracy

In an RSR Exclusive, we have come across a memo that Resident Biden's Attorney General Merrick Garland has sent out to Hollywood bigwigs, local government school districts, Social Media chieftans, members of the media, and Justice Department employees:

July 20, 2023,

Everyone,

As you know, there's a movie in theatres across the country that poses a threat to our democracy, The Sound Of Freedom.

The highly ficticious story centers around the mythical problem of 'human trafficking'. Domestic terrorist Jim Caviezel stars in this QAnon fever dream. According to our records, the film has been shockingly successful, costing only $14,000,000 to film, and grossing over $100,000,000.00. so far 

People, we must do everything we can to discredit and ruin this right-wing misinformation campaign. I've directed movie theatres to crank up the heat inside their theatres, and keep the lights on during the flim. My boss is toying with the idea of an executive order, ordering all concession stands be closed  for 2 hours before and during showings of the movie.

Our allies on Capitol Hill and Hollywood desperately need us  to do our part to defame everyone associated with this troublesome film. I've directed our friends at network news to badmouth this film as a rediculous right-wing fantasy.

Remember when all those meddling 'parents' attended school board meetings? We labelled them as 'domestic terrorists'. We lost a lot of school boards to these terrorists. I want everone to take pictures of everyone attending showings of this movie. We might send F.B.I. agents to their homes.

All hands on deck,

United States Attorney General Merrick Garland

What Would George Carlin Say About This?: Defining Leftist Bullshit Words And Phrases

Hey, RedSquirrel Report readers, It's George. I want to talk to you about the ways that the left uses to define their agenda while misusing and abusing the language with bullshit words and phrases.

Here's an example. Investing In America. No, what the government REALLY does is tax and spend. Investing is what you do with YOUR MONEY. These corrupt assholes rob the taxpayer and spend the money on pet projects, buying votes. They have inside information, and they pass laws that enrich THEMSELVES. They launder money like crazy, and some of them are engaged in influence peddling.

Remember when I told you that there's a club, and YOU'RE NOT IN IT?

This brilliant cat Thomas Sowell said 'Politics is the art of making your selfish desires sound like the national good. That's what these corrupt assholes DO!

Right now, everyday people in Ukraine are getting killed because these other motherfuckers (we call them world leaders) are KEEPING THE WAR MACHINE GOING! Lots of money manufacturing more deadly weapons. Young people die, while these old fuckers get rich.

The world's richest family, The Rothschilds, have been funding wars for decades, usually funding BOTH SIDES OF THE CONFLICT. Then, after destroying these countries and killing lots of people, they make trillions more re-building these wrecked countries! What an evil racket!!!

I've been re-thinking some things, and now I have to believe in God because I cannot stand a universe where these greedy pricks get away with this!

Then, there's these typical leftist bullshit terms....'Non-Binary' and 'I identify as.....', When you hear someone saying 'I identify as....', just know that it's their way of saying 'I pretend to be.....'

Women pretending to be men, men pretending to be women, idiots pretending to be cats.............

When someone says they are 'NON-BINARY', it means they're not a woman or man, but something else. Listen, there are two genders, although I once met a woman with a dick.

Then, there's this B.S. term, Gender Affirming 'Care'........YOU MEAN, 'CHILD MUTILATION', ASSHOLE!!!

How about 'Planned Parenthood'. REALLY? Are you going to Planned Parenthood because you're planning to become a parent? BULLSHIT!!! These creeps are completely dishonest. They're not just LYING, they're getting away with telling THE OPPOSITE of the truth! Just tell us the truth, and call yourself what you really are! 

Unborn Baby Killers R Us!

The problem is WE FALL IINTO THE TRAP OF ADOPTING THEIR LANGUAGE INSTEAD OF CALLING IT OUT FOR THE BULLSHIT IT IS!!!

That's it for now. Next time I'll get to 'Loan Forgiveness','climate change', 'book-banning'', 'twice-impeached', 'mostly-peaceful', 'Black Lives Matter', 'woke,', ''Minor-Attracted Persons', 'Pro-choice', 'Climate Change', 'green energy', and 'You'll own nothing and you'll be HAPPY!'

Later dudes!

We're The DFL: Aren't We Great????!!!!

So, are we sick of the governor and his looney, ONE-PARTY RULE trifecta yet? Have we had enough of all the boasting over their destructive legislative output designed to rob the producers and reward babykillers, child mutilators, leftist ideologues, and the educrat unionistas?

Meisterberger Walz smugly says that 'while our enemies want to ban books, we Democrats want to banish hunger.' Can you possibly be more disengenuous, snarky, obnoxious, and weaselly? He makes it sound like Republicans are Nazi-like book burners, when if fact, Republicans are opposed to pornography in elementary school libraries. Shame on you, you bloated jerk!.

As for 'banishing hunger', I think it's too soon to accuse your opponents of 'wanting to starve kids' while trying to memory hole YOUR 'FEEDING THE FUTURE fraud and money-laundering scandal

After every awful boondoggle and highly partisan bill is passed, the pattern's the same. The DFL all get together and they take a self-congratulatory selfie. They're all smiling huge, and it is their way of taunting their opponents.

These selfies are to 2023 what the self-worshipping, state-run Soviet parades were of the 1960's and 1970's, with huge posters of dictators and tanks rolling down Red Square. The Democrats are reminding the rest of us just how 'great' they are, and that resistance to their one-party rule is futile

These arrogant narcissists are so very sure their position is THE ONLY POSITION THAT MATTERS, and that debate is a waste of time. On Abortion, they think they speak for ALL women, when in fact, you and I know women in our lives who are the STONGEST pro-lifers.

But to these leftist zealots, the other side does not matter in the least.

Some r'pro-choicers' refer to Abortion as 'women's healthcare'. If you believe that killing an unborn baby is 'women's healthcare', then you must believe a baby is a disease or a cancer to be cured. This is what the perverts have taught women for the last 50 years. Minnesota Democrats have passed the MOST radical, extreme Abortion law anywhere in THE WORLD. 

More extreme than China. More extreme than North Korea, and God help us. Yet, they continue to congratulate themselves.  The bloated guv brags that under The Democrats, Minnesota is the best place to raise your kid. 

That is, if the state doesn't aborrt your kids. Or mutilate them. He also ignores the explosion in violent crime in The Twin Cities.

To their perverted, upside-down way of thinking, you are VIOLATING a child's rights if you allow THEIR parents to have any say in their sexually-confused child's life. These filthy weirdos, led by top trans activist Leugh Finke, believe that if you refuse to allow your confused, 9-year-old, child to mutilate tthemselves, or take puberty=blockers, the state should TAKE YOUR CHILD AWAY FROM YOU.  

They won their trifecta by lying and panicking voters over Roe vs. Wade, and operate the state like we're California. They don't care if they have a 1 seat majority in The Minnesota Senate.

They just run over their moderate Republican opposition, and then they congratulate themselves, taking selfies that look like pictures from a Middle School yearbook.

The pictures tell us how much fun they're having, and scream 'WE'RE THE DFL, AREN'T WE GREAT!!!!????

No, you're lousy.

UPDATE: BIDEN SPOKESPERSON SAYS HE WANTS TO FIND OUT WHO LEFT COCAINE IN THE WHITE HOUSE

 

THIS JUST IN: SEC. OF TRANSPORTATION BUTTIGIEG JOINS THE VILLAGE PEOPLE

 

SONG PARODY ALERT!!! Glen Frey Sings 'The Biden Corruption Blues'

Wow, this Biden crime family just never stops, as the news media just ignores all the influence peddling, money laundering, and non-stop graft. Now, almost everyone is at least somewhat interested that cocaine was found in The White House.

Most Americans believe that it was Joe's son Hunter that left the stash.

In 1985, Glen Frey notched a top 10 hit with 'Smuggler's Blues', and the song was featured on the TV show show 'Miami Vice.'. In a timely update of this rocker, the ex-Eagle sings about all the criminal activity in the Biden White House. Hit it:

There's trouble at The White House 

Dad is yelling on the phone, They found Hunter's Laptop

Joe's sinking in the polls

The world knows that the media is lying

The people are getting red-pilled

Everything's exploding, CNN says we're getting killed

So Hunter, here's a ticket, 

A trip to The Ukraine is our plan, you'll make tons of money

selling influence in foreign lands

Too bad we didn't sell the weapons we left in Afghanistan

We have the suck-up media  

hiding the real news, Now they found Cocaine in The White House, 

It's The Biden Corruption Blues

The Biden Corruption Blues

The Bidens and the Clintons, tand the Obamas break the law

There's money laundering and pay-offs, and stuff CNN never saw

Tucker Carlson says the Biden Regime is a corrupt joke 

I didn't think that they would ever find that stash of coke

Those Bidens are shady characters making lots of dirty deals

Making whistleblowers diasappear if they try to squeal

We're making a fortune, Zelenskyy helps us grease the wheels

We're laundering your hard-earned money

The taxpayers are screwed, It's the ultimate corruption

The Biden Corruption Blues

The Biden Corruption Blues

Bribing our friends in China and money laundering in Ukraine

We're getting filthy rich while the country goes down the drain

We'll throw the patriots in prison, Indicted by our D.A.'s

It's the dirty Deep State, You know that we're here to stay

Joe stole the 2020 election, He's here because of the Chinese Flu

The new Speaker says 'there's not much we can do'

We should fumigate The Oval Office

 but they're  screwing me and you, me and you

The most corrupt administration, propped up by the leftist evening news

10% for the Big Guy, 

The Biden Corruption Blues

The Biden Corruption Blues

Upcoming Movie News: Cocaine Bear Goes To The White House

Cocaine Bear was the cult movie everyone was talking about earlier this year, and it looks like the team that brought us thhs hit is planning to release a sequel in time for Christmas.

It's looks like the story of Cocaine Bear 2 will center again on this creature sky-high on drugs, This time CB wanders into The White House while Resident Biden's drugged up son Hunter is visiting, and 'SOMEONE' leaves a bag of cocaine in The Oval Office.

The drug-crazed bear attacks members of The Biden Administration, and then attacks the White House correspondents from CNN, MSNBC, and the networks.

It runs into the U.S. Capitol, mauling members of Congress. The left brands the crazed bear an 'insurrectionist.'

The National Taxpayers Council applauds Cocaine Bear for his work saving taxpayers many billions of dollars.

Can Joint Chief of Staff General Mark Milley stop the bear, or will our sissified military surrender? 

According to several movie people in the know, there is a rumor that the bear will just be Hunter Biden in the bear costume.

The movie is in pre-production, and is expected to 'attack' the theaters in December. 

A Buford T. Justice Commentary: Send These Criminal Somali Punks To The Work Farm

Your bushy-tailed correspondent posted previously that there would be no official fireworks display in Minneapolis. Actually, there WAS fireworks in Minneapolis. Somali yutes were firing Roman Candles, and directing dangerous fireworks at Minneapolis police officers at Boom Island. Here to address this is our Law and Order Correspondent:

Relax, gentlement. It's ME,  Buford T. Justice, and I'm kicking your scrawney, Somali asses. Consider it an attention-getter..........

I understand that you punks were shooting roman candles and some dangerous fireworks at some of my fellow law enforcement officers. If I was patrolling Minneapolis's Boom Island on Independence Day,, I'd be celebrating America's birthday by barbequeing your asses in Molasses!

I'd be lowering THE BOOM on you maniacs! (BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP) My heart monitor just went off!

You insulted the city, you insulted the poe-lice, and you insulted the law-abiding citizens of The City of Lakes! That's just straight up communism! I would like to punch yo right in the mouth!

Actually, these punks should be sent to The Work Farm. They need to 'work off' all that excess energy breaking rocks in the hot sun. I'd like to send you back to Somalia or whatever shithole you punks are from!

I keep hearing that you Somali gangs have been beating the local college students. We can't have that.......Oh, you can think about it. Jus' don't you do it!

If only that idiot mayor Jacob Frey would stop all the dancing around and get his shit together. The city should re-open that 3rd precinct building, and stop coddling the damn criminals. Is it true that alf of the Minneapolis City council are transvestites???

Well, that's all for now. This is Smokey Bear, and I'm in hiigh-speed pursuit of Justice! So long, now!

Our Report From The 'Mostly Peaceful' 'Protests' In France

'Mostly peaceful' protests are raging across France. Here with a report is our correspondent, Douchey McBullshit:

Yes, RedSquirrel, the protests across France are indeed 'mostly peaceful.' Nearly ALL of the 'mostly peaceful' protestors are 'migrants from Africa', demanding 'police reforms.'

This is Douchey McBullshit reporting live from downtown France. Back to you, RedSquirrel.............

No Official 4th Of July Fireworks Display In Minneapolis

Tomorrow is The 4th of July, also known as America's Independence Day. In 1776, our Founding Fathers declared our indepedence from England, and our country traditionally celebrates this day with parades, cook-outs, and with firework displays.

But there again, you might reside in Minneapolis, Minnesota. In the last few years The City of Lakes have become more well known as the place where George Floyd died, and the subsequent riots of 2020.

It was announced that Minneapolis will not have an official 4th of July fireworks display.......and why WOULD it? Minneapolis isn't really an American city, but rather, a very foreign city located in Minnesota. 

For the most part, the residents of Minneapolis aren't proud of America, but for having the largest Somalian population outside of Somalia itself. One of these days the leftists and trans activists who run this anti-cop dystopia should re-name the city 'Minnedishu'. Gangs of young Somalians spend their weekends assaulting scores of bar-hopping students attending The University of Minnesota.

The Sodomites are loud and proud in Minneapolis during June's Pride Month. 'Coming out of the closet' in Minneapolis means 'telling your friends or showing strangers that you're a conservative Donald Trump supporter'. Don't wear a red MAGA baseball cap on the light rail trains or you might get yourself in a fight with a gang of Black yutes.

Instead of a fireworks display, the city announced there was to be a laser show. There was one heck of a laser show that Thursday after George Floyd died. If I recall correctly, several Minneapolis policemen were made blind.

Maybe that's why leftist Minnepolitans prefer the laser show.

The arrival of Independence Day comes under two weeks after a new federal holiday 'Juneteenth', and many Americans tend to think of 'Juneteenth' as a replacement for Independence Day.

So, there will be no official Independence Day fireworks display in Minneapolis. I'm sure there's a Black neighborhood having a nice 'Julyteenth' barbeque. Just watch out for the gangs.

Instead, just take a trip to Duluth. They always have a terrific 4th of July fireworks display at the lakefront (weather permitting). They will also have patriotic music during the display and an open air concert before the fireworks begin.

Happy Independence Day, and be careful out there.