How To Speak LIke Joe Biden

He's the leader of the free world. If you're the President, there are some things you should learn to speak 'like the president.' This short, instructional guide shows you how to speak like The President of the United States. Much of the time, he speaks in gibberish, word salads, and empty platitudes, but sometimes you can understand what he says:

First, make up a weird, whacky, probably untrue story. For example, Joe Biden likes to tell his story of 'Cornpop.'

Next, tell another untrue story that puts you at the center of a hostorical event. You can tell your audience about the time you were arrested for protesting Apatheid and shared a jail cell with Nelson Mandela, or something.. The story you tell should be relevent to the group you're speaking to. If you're speaking in Poland, refer to yourself as 'Bidensky.' If you're in Germany, call yourself 'Bidenschmitt.'

If it's MLK Day, tell the all-Black audience that you were there when Reverend King was shot and killed, and that you were a pallbearer of his funeral. If you're speaking before a meeting of La Raza, talk about the time you were a farm worker fighting for Worker Rights with Ceasar Chavez.

It's a terrific way to get cheap applause, and it's also incredibly devisive! Remember, lying is O.K. What matters here is that you're fooling your audience into thinking that you're down with their struggle.

Next, pick a few 'straw men' to demonize. Tell your audience that (your straw man) is a danger to democracy. Tell your audience that your straw man wants to take away their Social Security and Medicare. Bring up 'lynching', and tell your audience that, unlike your enenies, you OPPOSE LYNCHING!

Also, pound and wave your fist like Adolph Hitler! Yeah, just like THAT!

If you have a son who served in the armed forces, tell your audience that he died in action (even if he didn't). Also, if your first wife died in a car accident, just tell your audience that the other driver was drunk (even if he or she wasn't).

Take credit for everything the previous administraion did that was good for the country, and blame the previous administration for everything that has gone wrong under your watch. Take all the credit for caring about an issue, even if you are the last one to make it to the party.

Example: Yeah, I'm here because I care about your kids dying from Fentanyl. Where have YOU GUYS BEEN?????

Remember, if anyone tries to ask you a question or explain yourself, just turn your back and walk the other direction until you're out of danger. Have your wife hold your hand because a stage can be a scary place.

Just learn how to lie your ass off, and YOU TOO can learn how to speak like Joe Biden!