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"Are we done here? I'm missing Matlock......"

The Art Of Withdrawal (By Joe Biden)

A long time ago, a man named Sun Tzu wrote a treatise known to us as 'The Art Of War.' It has influenced leaders for over 2,000 years.

Our clueless president is writing his own version of 'The Art Of War.'  Here are some main points:

 1 After you surrender to a smaller, weaker enemy. make sure you leave behind extremely expensive, high-tech weapons and vehicles.

 2. Make sure that you withdraw your military BEFORE your civilians. What you want to leave behind is a humiliating, extremely dangerous hostage situation. Leave your people behind.

 3. BLAME EVERYBODY ELSE FOR YOUR FAILURES.

 4. Be weak even though you're a superpower. Hate your superpower status.

 5. Harass and hunt down American patriots while arming Muslim terrorists. The biggest problem in the world is 'White rage,' not Islamic terrorism.

 6. Rely on the kindness of evil, vicious, bloodthirsty Satan-worshipping Muslim terrorists who want to kill you. 

 7. Keep your Southern border open. Your enemy might want to follow you home, and kill thousands of Americans.

 8. When it comes to humilating , catastrophic STUPIDITY, anything worth doing if worth OVER-DOING.

 9. Surround yourself with idiots, beta-males, yes-men, and cowards. They make great advisers.

10. If you see something successful (like the Trump Afghanistan policy), do the opposite,

11. When speaking to the press, say nothing, make no sense, be short and retreat quickly.

Biden Day Planner (August 26, 2021)

11:30 am-Pay $60,000,000,000 ransom to The Taliban.

12:00 pm- Visit with America-hating members of the U.S. Women's soccer team and kneel with their uniform. Sign EO mandating equal pay for female athletes. (Do nothing about Taliban human rights abuses against women.)

12:20 pm-Get on knees and take call from Taliban leader.

12:40 pm-Sign another EO killing another pipeline project and destroying more American Jobs. 

12:55 pm-Sign another EO making motherhood and apple pie illegal.

1:15:pm-Wipe ass with an American flag.

1:30 pm-Meet with General Mark Milley. Paint his toenails.

2:00 pm-State dinner for Chinese Communist masters.

4:00 pm- Go to bed.

Nicholas Carpathia: We Are Conquering America!

My friends,

We are getting very close to our New World Order.

Our Satanic friends in Communist China are buying up millions of farmland acres in America, and hundreds of thousands of illegal aliens are invading America's southern border. We are getting closer to completely conquering America and bringing her to her knees.

Our guy Biden is hard at work destroying their economy, and soon there will be no countries and no more boundaries! We are persecuting Christians, and soon Christianity will disappear! Joe has just surrendered Afghanistan to The Taliban, and he has also left behind expensive, high-tech weapons to the Muslim terrorists! 

Our guy Joe is trying to strip away law-abiding American citizens Second Amendment rights AS he is surrendering the most high-tech weapons to the worst Muslim terrorists on the planet! My master is pleased with Joe!

This senile, corrupt idiot is the gift that keeps on giving!

Soon, our mandatory Covid vaccination will go worldwide. Soon, humans will not be allowed to go to restaraunts, sporting events, and concerts without proof of vaccination.. Ultimately, you will not be allowed to buy or sell without my barcode 666 in your wrist or on your forehead.

This is very exciting!

Right now, New York City Mayor DeBlasion is issuing 'A Key To NYC'. If you have proof of vaccination, you get to go to your favorite resteraunt or any sporting event! He's my favorite American mayor!

Yet, there are some who are refusing to submit to our mask mandates. At some point, I may demand that our blue-state governors institute a 'muzzle mandate.' 

I want to silence those troublesome parents speaking up against Critical Race Theory at school board meetings. We do not want Americans to be heard! We want them to obey! We want their children to be obedient, faceless, dependent serfs to the state!

We are also destroying America through uncontrolled spending! The Democrats (with some Republican help) are stealing America's future and spending trillions upon trillions on wars and leftist, big-government givaways! Inflation will eat away working America and kill the American spirit!

Soon, I will make my debut, and promise to solve everyone's problems! On three! Hut.....hut.......h.........!

This Just In: Biden Spokesperson Jen Psaki Is A Liar

 

This just in:

Biden Spokesperson Jen Psaki lies like a priceless Persian rug on a rich man's floor.

Biden Spokesman Re-assures A Concerned Nation

 

Song Parody Alert! (Don Henley Sings 'All Joe Wants To Do Is Jab')

This week, The Taliban humiliated America, quickly capturing Kabul. Our inept president chose to withdraw our troops BEFORE getting our civilians out, and Slow-Joe also left high-tech weapons behind for the terrorists.

Joe Biden interrupted his Camp David vacation to make a statement..........advising Americans to get a Covid booster jab.

Here to tell us about it is Don Henley. Hit it, Goldenthroat:

There's a crisis at the border, illegal aliens all around

and all Joe wants to do is jab, jab 

Boosters for you losers, Biden's an inept, senile clown

All Joe wants to do is jab

 He gave all our weapons to the Taliban creeps

Still all Joe wants to do is jab, jab

They got our our aircraft, guns, and jeeps

and all Joe wants to do is jab

Terrorists walking around with hate in their eyes

and all Joe wants to do is jab, jab

Girls forced to wear burqas now, or they're gonna die

and all Joe wants to do is jab

and all Joe wants to do is jab

Just watch him blab

about the vaccine

even for high school teens

Compliance is key

for you and me

All Joe wants to do is

All Joe wants to do is jab

Well, they bugged Tucker Carlson's e-mail

and I'm in Twitter jail

and all Joe wants to do is jab, jab

Corrupt jerks in Congress

The crooks are all for sale

and all Joe wants to do is jab 

Joe's son Hunter makin' a fortune on his Father's name

and all Joe wants to do is jab

Afghanistan just fell, but The Orange Man's to blame

All Joe wants to do is

All Joe wants to is jab

Just watch him blab

Well, thousands of American's are stuck 

Can't get on the last plane out

While Joe vacations at Camp David

The 'friendly' locals shout

They're shouting 'Death to America!'

America is screwed

To Joe, it's doesn't really matter

'Cause all Joe wants to do is jab

Just watch Joe blab...............

Ralphie Wiggum: President Biden Is Going A Great Job!

Unlike the bigwigs at Twitter and Facebook, we here at RSR believe in hearing all points of view. Here to defend Slow-Joe Biden's job performance is his Junior Regime Spokeman:

Oh no! I just accidently stuck my head up my ass! Help! 

There, it's out. Our terrific President has interrupted his vacation at Camp David, and is hard at work to fix this Taliban problem. We were surprised by the speed of the Taliban's route and conquest of Afghanistan. The Taliban conquest was quicker than the time I stuck my tongue to the flagpole at school. My tongue was stuck before I even knew it!

Now, psychotic Taliban fighters are going door to door and taking women between the ages of 15-40 as sex slaves. Women caught not wearing hijabs are being shot to death, and Afghan soldiers surrendering are being executed.......

......but at least we got rid of that Orange Meanie Trump! YAY!!! 

I must admit, even I knew it was a terrible decision to pull our troops out before getting our American civilians out. But, I guess nobody's perfect. Not even our wonderful president.

I watched the news and saw all those desperate people trying to get on that last flight. I saw people falling off the planes. It was TERRIBLE! It was almost as bad as me and my parents missing that fight to Grandma's for Thanksgiving! 

The good news is that America is like The Pottery Barn. We broke Afghanistan, so now we will fix the situation by taking in millions of refugees. We hope they're all Democrats, or Orange Man Bad could return to The White House in 4 years!

I like eating Play-Doh.

President Biden thought it was unpossible for The Taliban to conquer Afghanistan so quickly, but he had a plan. If things went badly, he could always blame Orange Man Bad! What an incredible leader!

The worst thing about losing Afghanistan is that The Taliban is taking control of the Poppy fields, and the President's son Hunter will have to buy illegal drugs from terrorists. Dang it!

The administration did give The Taliban terrorists an early Christmas present by leaving weapons behind worth millions of taxpayer dollars. I understand that our wonderful President will recieve the Taliban 'Employee of the Month' award next month.

Our wonderful president just gives and gives.................

Well, that's all for now. I'm hungry. Are there any Tide Pods around here?

Ralphie : )

Democrat Horror Theater: The Exorcist (The Case Of Nancy Pelosi)

In the winter of 1973, people waited in long lines to be terrorized by a new movie about a girl possessed by a demon. The Exorcist caused people to faint, vomit, miscarry their babies, and literally feel like Hell was very real.

In 2006, people waited in lines to vote in the midterm elections of that year, and San Francisco Democrat Nancy Pelosi became the Speaker of The House of Representatives. Some conservatives wonder if she has an unclean spirit residing inside her head.

This is our re-telling of The Exorcist...................

A Catholic minister does an archeological dig in California's Death Valley, and finds a stone idol. After doing some research, the small stone donkey (a demon named Crat) is given as a gift to an ultra corrupt politician in Baltimore. The politician becomes mayor.

Now, it's 2011, and the daughter of the ultra-corrupt Mayor has been named Speaker of The U.S. House of Representatives. Nobody really notices her strange behavior. She crabwalks into the Capitol Building, and takes the oath on The Bible. Sparks fly from her hand as she rests it on the good book.

She helps pass Obamacare, stealing healthcare from millions of Americans. A reporter asks her what's in the legislation, and she says that 'We have to pass it to see what's in it....'

She becomes incredibly wealthy on a congressional salary.

A new President is elected, and he delivers The State of The Union Address. He hands a copy of his budget proposal to her. A voice inside Nancy's head tells her to tear it up. With Hellfire blazing in her eyes, she tears up the budget proposal. 

The devil plays inside her mouth, and she starts sucking at her dentures. She clicks a distress Morse code signal using her false teeth. An Exorcist in Georgetown hears ii.

The next day, the Exorcist visits The Speaker inside her office. She denies sending the signal. He asks her if she is alright, Her eyes change color, and she starts vibrating, SCREAMING AND CURSING at the exorcist. The camera pans to her bookshelf. The Demon Crat stone idol is on the top shelf next to an aborted baby in a jar. 

Nancy's head spins around, and ice cream vomits out of her mouth, hitting him in the face.

The young exorcist inlists the help of another to help drive the unclean spirit from Nancy. They tie her to her swivel chair, and they begin praying. 

Nancy's voice changes, and the demon Crat tells the two Fathers that The Devil now possesses Nancy.

The younger exorcist taunts The Devil, saying that 'If you are really The Devil, than he could untie Nancy.' The unclean spirit growls 'That would be too vulgar a display of power......'

Then the young Father laughs and says,' Nancy, your whole career has been a vulgar display of power!' 

iNSTANTLY, Nancy has a huge, over-sized gavel in her hands. She is untied, swinging the gavel at the exorcists.

The team ducks, and sprinkle holy water at her. She screams 'IT BURNS!!!!STOP IT!!!!'

The swivel chair flies around the room, and kills the older Exorcist. The younger Father is terrified, and in desperation, he cries out 'TAKE ME INSTEAD!!!!!'

He is possessed by the unclean spirit. He throws himself out of the window, and is killed. Then, he is revived. He sells his soul to be in Congress.

The End.

Democrat Horror Theater: Our Re-telling Of Candyman

We continue our series of re-told Democrat horror stories taken from the news headlines. Today, we re-tell the story of Candyman. The story is based on the Clive Barker short story, 'The Forbidden'.

The 1992 movie starred Tony Todd (in the title roll) and Virginia Madsen. In the film version, Candyman is the ghost of a Black artist named Daniel Robitaille, who was lynched by a group of rich, White men when it was learned that the had an affair with one of their daughters.

The men chopped off his right hand, and smeared honeycomb resin on Daniel, attracting bees that stung him to death.

To residents of Chicago's impoverished, high-crime Cabrini-Green housing project, he is an urban legend. They see him as a boogyman. Anyone who looks into the mirror and says 'Candyman' five times summons him, and he usually kills them. Candyman brutally slashes his victims with a bloody hook where his right hand used to be.

Virginia Madsen portrays a graduate student working on a thesis who becomes fascinated with this urban legend. She makes the mistake of looking into her mirror, saying his name. 

In our re-telling of 'Candyman', we change the setting to Minneapolis.  In the 1992 film version, Candyman is a 19th century artist killed because he fell in love with a White woman and was lynched, while our version moreless starts with the death of George Floyd (his name has been changed to Leroy Young), a drug addicted career criminal who overdosed from fentanyl . 

A policeman was convicted of murdering him, kneeling on the back of Floyd's neck, until he lost consciousness. He was transported to the hospital, but died. It is here we begin our story:

Black gangs are rioting all over the city, and minority-owned businesses are burned to the ground. Troublemakers from outside the city are invading homes and threatening entire neighborhoods. Many stores are looted, and destroyed. Society is crumbling.

Leroy Young's spirit is possessing hundreds of rioters as they destroy buildings. In the riot aftermath, he becomes the official religion of the extremely liberal city.. Some 'protesters' make angelic portraits of Leroy, depicted as an angelic figure. Several 'autonomous zones' are set up, patrolled by violent Black drug gangs. 

The White residents of these neighborhoods are terrified and intimidated. Many leave. A Black man brutally shoots a 7-year-old White boy's face, killing him. The slogan 'Black Lives Matter' appears on businesses, and graffiti is everywhere.

One young, White mother has the nerve of telling protesters that 'All Lives Matter,' and she is shot to death. 

Possesed College professors and primary school teachers pray to a painting of Leroy Young, and they brainwash the young with Critical Race Theory. 5-year-old White children are berated for their skin color..

One intrepid White female news reporter digs for the truth, and tells her viewers the real story every nigh,  but nobody believes her. She is laughed at by her colleagues. So far, she has concluded that Black gangs and 'teachers' have summoned Leroy Young into our realm, and many criminals are possessed by his spirit.

Leroy appears in the prison cell of the police officer convicted in his murder, and hangs him. The next day, it is agreed by everyone in the news media the convicted cop hung himself.

Our intrepid reporter, Emily Newton, wants the truth, so she decides to enter the most dangerous autonomous zone in the most dangerous part of town. Three gang members let her in, and one tells her to be gone in an hour. 

She summons Leroy Young, also known as Fentanylman. She looks into the eyes in the painting, and he appears. He doesn't mind telling her that he is not really Leroy Young, but a demonic imposter named Verono. 

He discloses the truth that Verono is the demon spirit of mistrust, hate, and racism, and that Satan wants America destroyed. He is using the death of Leroy Young to spread hate. Emily has a lighter and a small perfume container filled with lighter fluid. She sets fire to the portrait and prays, and the demon starts growling and screaming. Hornets fly out of his mouth. Finally, he explodes. Emily dies in the explosion.

She breaks Verono's spell, and race relations miraculously improves. The neighborhood comes together, and Emily is sainted by the people. Her liberal colleagues in the newsbiz sees  her as a racist zealot, and the drug dealers target her family. The race-baiters see her as a demon.

Drug dealers come to kill her family, but the family is out for the night. She appears, and fire shoots from her fingertips, killing them.

The story ends with Blacks and Whites worshipping God together. The camera pans to the stained glass image of Saint Emily, hand-in-hand with a Black child and a White child.

Roll credits.

Democrat Horror Theater: Jack Torrence's Covid Shutdown

Today, we continue our series of news stories transformed into horror movies. Today, we re-tell the story of Stephen King's 'The Shining'.. The movie starring Jack Nicholson and directed by Stanley Kubrick, is perhaps one of the most popular and most talked-about horror movies of all time.

Fans argue the real meaning of what happened to Jack Torrence and his family. Was the Overlook Hotel itself evil? Was Jack ALWAYS the hotel's manager? What if the story was all about the government robbing one family of their freedom, and ultimately, their sanity?? Can Covid or the government plandemic be blamed?

What about little Danny? The 7-year-old boy was homeschooled because the local school union refused in-person learning while the school unionistas vacationed in Jamaica. The kids were forced to stay in their homes and wear a mask. This cannot be good for a child's mental state. Did Danny create Tony because the government forced him to not be around other kids?

Boys and girls, this is 'Jack Torrence's Covid Shutdown.'

Our story begins with Jack, his wife Wendy, and their son Danny in their station wagon. Jack has a job interview, and hopes to land a job as a hotel manager. He gets it, but after only a few days, the Democrat governor has issued a Covid lockdown of the state.

Jack's boss tells him that the hotel cannot pay him his salary, but the family can stay at the large hotel for free as long as they fix stuff whenever it breaks or when something isn't working.

All the other employees have been sent home.

Jack and Wendy notices the TV's are always on, and the family is pummeled with Covid 'news'. There are only 2 channels, CNN and MSNBC, and after a couple weeks, the family can feel their brain cells and souls die a little more each day.

They learn that the TV's cannot be turned 'off'.

The family wants to go outside, but the local mayor has issued a mask mandate, and everyone is 'strongly advised' to stay indoors. The state is on lockdown.

Danny rides his Hot-Wheels down the winding hallways, and is terrified to see CNN's Brian Stelter and Don Lemon holding hands. They say 'Mask up, Danny' in unison. Little Danny's head almost explodes with fear.

Danny creates an imaginary friend named Tony. He hasn't seen another kid in almost 3 months, and the lockdown is wreaking havoc with his mental state. He has fallen hopelessly behind in his schooling. His mother homeschools him, but she's not very bright.

Jack decides to write a book, but has trouble getting started. Wendy and CNN are really getting on his nerves. 

Danny goes into one of the rooms, but finds Dr. Richard Fauzi in there. Fauzi tells Danny to 'Mask up, Danny!' He forcefully puts a mask on the boy. Terrified, Danny jumps on his Hot-Wheels, and pedals it quickly to his Mother's office.

Wendy asks Jack to check out the hotel room. He finds the extremley hot Megan Kelly in the shower, but he is horrified to see Megan transform into a laughing Governor Gretchen Whitmer. She yells 'MASK UP, JACK!'

Jack walks into the main ballroom, and stumbles into Barack Obama's 60th Birthday Party. Nobody is masked. He sees several Democrat Governors and blue-city Mayors hob-knobbing with rich Hollywood elitists.. They all yell, MASK-UP, JACK!' Jack is wondering if his mind is playing some kind of trick on him..

Wendy asks Jack if he saw anything in the room, and he says 'No, absolutely nothing.' 

The state orders Jack and Wendy that Danny must be taught by an accredited teacher via Skype, but the state has passed a law that says parents cannot be in the room. The 'teacher' preaches Citical Race Theory and leftist propaganda. Danny must also wear a mask even though he is in the room alone.

Wendy checks Jack's manuscript, and it terrifies her.........

Jack sneaks up behind her and asks what she thinks of the manuscript. He almost gives her a heart attack.

He menaces Wendy, following her up the stairs. He has lost his mind. Wendy swings a baseball bat at his head, and tries to say 'JACK! STAY AWAY FROM ME! REMEMBER SAFE SOCIAL DISTANCING!'

She smacks him in the head, and he falls down the stairs, unconscious, and Wendy drags him into a kitchen cooler. He wakes up and sees Governor Gretchen Whitmer is in the cooler with him. She asks him why he's not wearing a mask. He tries to strangle her, but realizes she was only a figment of his imagination. 

He pushes the door, and it opens. He grabs an ax.

A Municipal Inspecter shows up to ask the family if they had been vaccinated yet, and Jack kills him with the ax. Wendy and Danny run into a bathroom, and Danny escapes out the window.

Jack splits the door with the ax, and tells Wendy to 'MASK UP!' She freaks out and cuts his hand with a knife. He hears a TV in the hallway, and smashes it with the ax. Suddenly, he's himself again. He realizes that he's holding an ax. He throws it down, and apologizes to his wife, and the couple looks for Danny.

Suddenly, scores of BLM and ANTIFA thugs break into the hotel lobby, and start the hotel on fire. The story ends with a reporter from CNN TELLING THEIR VIEWERS THAT THE 'RIOT AT THE HOTEL WAS 'MOSTLY PEACEFUL', and that the police were looking for the caretakers because they were not wearing masks.

Roll credits.

 

Democrat Horror Theater: Invasion Of The Freedom Snatchers

Today, we begin a new series. We are taking the news and transforming it into horror movies. These horrific tales take place in a sick, scary world ran by Democrats.

Our first story is a variation of the classic horror movie, Invasion Of The Body Snatchers. The original, starring Kevin McCarthy was released in 1956, and the re-make features Donald Sutherland, and it was released in 1978.

 Boys and girls, we present Invasion Of The Freedom Snatchers. 

Our story begins with a group of happy, gainfully employed friends, sharing a dinner at their favorite resteraunt. The TV in the bar is switched to the news, and there's a reporter reporting about a 'mostly peaceful' protest with rioters burning down the city in the background. 

Then, the unblinking news anchor reports about a new virus. He brings on an 'expert', who tells the viewers that everyone needs to wear a mask and get 'vaccinated',

We learn that government officials, members of the 'news' media, and hi-tech giants have been replaced by pod people. Soulless totalitarians have cancelled all opposition, and our friends are getting suspicious. Two of our friends are arrested by government officials, and whisked off to a secret prison.'

The governor exercises his 'emergency mandate', and orders everyone to wear the mask whenever in public. Grocery stores enforce the Governor's mandate.

People who own businesses are arrested for non-compliance, and their businesses are destroyed.

Our friends learn that when someone takes 'the vaccine' they become sleepy, and are quickly replaced by a pod person. Meanwhile, Patriotc Americans are rounded up and sent to secret prisons. They are protesting a stolen election, but are accused of 'insurrection,' Our pod people overlords call them 'terrorists.'

Our main characters, Nancy and James, are on the run. Pod people are chasing them everywhere they go. They learn if they act like pod persons, they can fool the pod people. Suddenly a donkey with a man's face runs towrds them, and yells 'They're not vaccinated!'

Nancy screams. Their cover is blown, and James and Nancy are on the run again. Nancy is sleepy. They run past their favorite resteraunt, and the governor and a group of unmasked pod people are having a party. The partiers point at James and Nancy, and scream 'YOU'RE NOT WEARING YOUR MASKS!!!!'

James and Nancy reach a field with tall grass. Nancy needs to rest. She closes her eyes, and almost immediately, she suddenly becomes a pod person.

James runs to a construction site, where he hides. He sees pod police with flashlights running above him. 

The movie ends, as James and Nancy's friend Kathy sees James on the street, in front of a church cathederal. She softly calls his name, and smiles. He reacts by pointing at her and he screams 'YOU'RE
NOT WEARING A MASK!!!!'

James was now a pod person too. The end.

The RedSquirrel Report Salutes The Sweden Women's Olympic Soccer Team

In fact, if I were The President, I'd invite them to The White House. The Swedish women clobbered the obnoxious, woke team from The U.S., 3-0.

This bushy-tailed reporter has paid almost zero attention to the Olympics in Tokyo, but I am glad knowing that Megan Rapinoe won't be kneeling on a Medal stand and turning her back on the American flag.

GOOD WORK, LADIES!