It's your Dictator-for-life, Barack Hussein Obama. I would like to tell you, my fellow Americans, about my exciting New Year resolution in this, the final year of my glorious presidency.
As you know, gun violence is way, way up. Also, police are brutally murdering law-abiding citizens all over America, and we need to do something to make all this carnage stop. That is why I am announcing this executive order.
Don't hate or blame me for taking your guns away. Where I'm from, we don't like free citizens owning guns.
We're working the kinks out of my executive order. There is some aspects of my new gun control policy that we're still mulling over. Law-abiding citizens may not buy a gun, but I can still sell guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers.
We may do for the gun stores what we did for the coal industry, but at the same time, we don't want to stomp on the rights of Muslims to shoot up a Christmas office party.
After all, that would be violating the freedom of practicing their religion as they choose, and that would be unconstitutional.
We need tighter controls on 'this gun show loophole', but if a young Black man wants to charge a police officer and take his gun, he should be allowed.
Even though this is my final year in office, I refuse to be a lame duck. In fact, I may have to suspend the 2016 presidential election if this problem persists. After all, Valerie says that we'll never be able to open our FEMA camps if Americans can still defend themselves.
To sum it up, America needs to be more like Chicago. My hometown has strict gun control laws. Do you EVER hear about people getting shot? I rest my case.
If Congress refuses to act, I WILL ACT ALONE. IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO BECAUSE I SAID IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
That's all for now. Allahu Akbar,
President Barack Hussein Obama
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