Condescending Wonka Reports From The DNC 2020

Here to wrap up his report of the Democrat National Convention 2020 is our political correspondent Condescending Wonka:

Wow, so I ran into Michelle Obama after her big DNC speech where she told America that things can get so much worse unless we elect Joe Biden. I asked her if she was 'just sayin'' or that she and her 'Take The High Road Coalition' were planning more violent race riots and maybe a pandemic worse than Covid 19.

I told her it must be hard making America a kinder, more just place......

Then I ran into former Republican John Kasich. I asked him if he switched over to the Democrats because the news media sucks up to Democrats while attacking Republicans non-stop.

I complimented him on his courage...................

Then, I had a chance to speak to Former President Barack Obama. I just wondered about that part of his DNC speech where he suggested that President Trump would never be a good president. 

I asked Barry if he really believed  the American economy is revived with the use of a 'magic wand.'

Then, I asked him if it showed good character to take credit for the roaring economy while he couldn't improve the economy at all in his 8 years in office.

I congratulated him on his scandal-free administration. That is, if you don't include Benghazi, the Russian hoax, the IRS harassment of conservatives, and airplanes full of cash to the Iranian mullahs.

I've noticed dictators seldom experience scandals. Also, the news media gave Obama an 8-year tongue bath.

Finally, I congratulated him on uniting the leftists and race rioters against the police.

Then, I ran into former President Bill Clinton after his speech, where he castigated President Trump for sullying the prestige of The Oval Office.

Bill Clinton turned a 21-year-old White House intern into a 'human Thermador' . Bravo, Mr. President! I compare you with Abraham Lincoln saving the union!

Then, I spoke briefly with Democrat presidential nominee Joe Biden. I asked him if he really believed that 'there was nothing we could do if we did it together.' I told him that line brought a tear to my eyes!!

He must have practiced that line for hours!

Well, that's it from The Democrat National Convention 2020 in Milwaukee. So long!

SONG PARODY ALERT!! Billie Eilish Sings The DNC Themesong (I Had A Dream)

The dismal 2020 Democrat National Convention mercifully ended last week. Between Michelle Obama's threat against normal Americans, her husband's douchetastic trashing of President Trump, and presidential nominee Joe Biden's speech where he told the American people that there is nothing we can do if we do it together, it's a wonder that the switchboards at the Suicide Hotline didn't explode.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent isn't a masochist, so I didn't watch it. What I know of the DNC I heard on talk radio. I heard sound clips from this depressing, dystopian attack on President Trump and the country most of us love.

I heard that pop star Billie Eilish made a short statement where she attacked the president and threw her support behind Joe Biden. Of that, I am not surprised. On most of her songs, she usually sounds like she has over-dosed on downers

Ms. Eilish could have wrote the theme song of The Democrat National Convention, remaking one of her hits, the rather trippy, underwater  Everything I Wanted:

I had a dream. 
We elected Joe Biden.
I told you to vote
like your life depended on it

Now we're living in a nightmare. 
Your overlords they don't care
My head must have been fried (fried)
Good-bye Free-dom
Spoiled brats cried (cried, cried, cried, cried)
We didn't even notice
Now the government robs the nation
They call it 'reparations'.....

I had a dream.
We elected Kamala Harris
I am so woke, I see
now I am not free

She said 'I believed his accuser'
but I want to be his VP
I'm a vicious liar
We'll send Joe to a nursing home
Then we'll change
This evil, racist country
I take your guns and your freedom
You don't deserve it

You'll want to scream
but I will stifle your freedom
No freedom of speech
We'll rob you 'cause you're greedy

The cities are still burning
millennials still not learning

HEADLINE: WHAT PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE BIDEN REALLY MEANT TO SAY..............

A Vote For Ilhan Omar

A vote for Ilhan Omar is a vote for marriage fraud and immigration fraud.

A vote for Ilhan Omar is a vote for anti-Semitism.

A vote for Ilhan Omar is a vote for hate.

A vote for Ilhan Omar is a vote for big-government giveaways and punishing people who work.

A vote for Ilhan Omar is a vote for outrageous anti-Americanism.

A vote for Ilhan Omar is a vote for one big embarrassment after another for the 5th District.

A vote for Ilhan Omar is a vote for corruption.

A vote for Ilhan Omar is a vote for self-serving politicians.

A vote for Ilhan Omar is a vote for America's enemies.

A vote for Ilhan Omar is a vote for The Democrat Hate Squad.

A vote for Ilhan Omar is a vote for support of Islamic extremist bullies like CAIR.

The Return Of Carnac The Magnificent: News Analyst From The East

Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce the return of that mystical visitor from the East. He is the soothsayer, sage, seer, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's American History teacher.... CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT!!!

I hold in my hand the envelopes. As a low-information voter can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. They have been kept in a mayonnaise jar on House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's porch since noon today.

NO ONE knows the contents of these envelopes-but Carnac, in his mystical and borderline divine way, will ascertain the answers never having heard the questions.


Envelope Number One: Corruption, Marriage Fraud, and Immigration fraud

(He opens the envelope:) Name three things that are considered resume enhancers in Minnesota's Fifth Congressional District. 



Envelope Number Two: A highway, a chicken, and Minnesota Governor Tim Walz.

(He opens the envelope:) Name something  that is tarred,  something that has feathers, and somebody who should be tarred and feathered.....


Envelope Number Three: The Minnesota Miracle

(He opens the envelope) Describe the next time a Republican wins a statewide election in Minnesota.



Envelope Number Four: 45

(He opens the envelope) What is the average I.Q. of The Minneapolis City Council?



I hold in my hand the final envelope. Everyone applauds loudly.


May a bloated hippopotamus make bubbles in your Jacuzzi...............


Envelope Number Five: Mr. Potato Head, Clint Eastwood, and Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey

(He opens the envelope;) Name a spud, a stud, and a dud.

The Difference Between Republicans And Democrats, Part 2

Today is Primary Day in Minnesota, and voters throughout the state are choosing their favorite candidates. The winners today will face each other in the general election on November 3.

We here at The RedSquirrel Report feels that it's important to educate the voters on the issues, and that voting is your civic duty. Your vote is your voice, and our government should be a reflection of what We The People expect from our public officials.

Generally speaking, there are important differences between the two major parties, especially more now than ever.  If you still don't know which party you feel more closely aligned with, just take this test:

Question One: If you were a police officer, which of these would you arrest?

1. A rioter breaking windows, stealing a TV, or burning a business down, or
2. Someone not wearing a Covid 19 face mask in a grocery store

Question Two: What word or words describe someone smashing windows, setting fire to businesses, and assaulting police officers in a neighborhood or city?

1. Vandals, rioters, thugs, violent criminals
2. 'Protesters'

Question Three: Violent crime is out of control. What do you do about it?

1. Arrest the criminals
2. Abolish or de-fund the police

Question Four: Almost NO healthy, young Americans have died from Covid 19. Which agenda do you support?:

1. Open the economy
2. Close the economy

Question Five: You see someone wearing a 'Make America Great Again' hat. How do you react?

1. Thumbs up, Nod in agreement, or you don't react at all, or
2. Get violent, curse out the person wearing the hat.

Question Six: Minnesota Governor Tim Walz announces another executive order mandating the wearing of a face mask. You......
1. curse at the TV, or.
2. obey happily

Question Seven: You learn that Minnesota Representative Ilhan Omar married her brother (marriage fraud AND immigration fraud), badmouths America constantly, and was named 'Anti-Semite of the Year' by stopantisemitism.org, You:

1. will vote for her opponent, or,
2. will vote for her because you hate Orange Man Bad.

Question Eight: The presidential candidate you support should choose their running mate based on which criteria?:

1. Who is best-qualified, or
2. Skin color and gender

Question Nine: You've based your opinion about hydroxichloroquine on:

1. hearing that it helps people being treated for Covid 19, or,
2. You've heard from a guy you know that heard from another guy who said Orange Man Bad said something good about it, and you hate Orange Man Bad.

Question Ten: You believe that Facebook removes posts because:
1. They are leftists and regularly censor speech (mostly conservative) they disagree with, or,
2. Facebook protects us from hate speech and dangerous speech.



All right, pencils down. Now, give yourself 1 point for each time you picked 1, and 2 points for each time you picked 2.

Add your total. If your total score is 13 or less, you're a Republican! If your total is 15 or more, You're probably a Democrat. I recommend that you find a good psychiatrist. You're a danger to the country.

The Difference Between Republicans And Democrats

To a Republican, voter fraud is a problem. To a Democrat, voter fraud is a strategy.

On Election Day, Republicans get up, take a shower, go to work, vote, go home, and watch the election night coverage on TV.

Maybe, a Republican might wake up, take a shower, and vote BEFORE heading off to work. Some Republicans vote absentee.





Democrats vote early, vote often, like voting by mail, vote harvesting, 'finding votes' in the trunk of their cars, disenfranchising military voters serving overseas, recounting and recounting and recounting until they're ahead (then declaring victory), pushing for a reduction of the voting age, 'helping' old people vote, voting after they're dead, registering their pets to vote, busing illegal aliens to the voting booths, and waging lawfare.

And Now, A Commentary From Our Faith And Religion Correspondent

After a much-deserved hiatus, RSR's Faith And Religion Correspondent is back with this commentary. Ladies and Gentlemen, here she is, Sister Mary Brokenknuckles:

God Bless.....

May God forgive the pasty-face, booger-eating bastards who left graffiti on Saint Patrick's Cathedral a month ago. Lord, I pray these godless, Communist goons are arrested....

 ....but I live in a city ran by Democrats, so I'm not holding my breath.....

I was checking out my facebook feed, and saw that 'protesters' in Portland are burning Bibles. Dear God, Please forgive the little AntiFa Nazi bastards. Their tiny brains were corrupted by their Satanic college professors. Please have mercy on their souls, Oh Lord.

If only I could be their teacher. I would smack 'em all with my ruler so hard these punks would cry for mercy.

The Marxist BLM heathens need some systemic tough-love on their knuckles. Two of the founders are Lesbians, and they want to destroy the American nuclear family. If those little bitches were in MY classroom, I'd smack'em so hard, the unclean, homosexual spirits would leave their bodies!

I was watching the news, and protesters in Minneapolis have built an alter for that poor drug addict with a bad ticker, George Floyd. I wish that I could have smacked that idiot cop who knelt on George's neck, but enough IS ENOUGH!!! All the George Floyd artwork is quite nice, but it's almost like some people have made George Floyd into some sort of deity. I was just wondering:

Where were all the protests for the blonde yoga instructor, Justine Damond? She was murdered by that Muslim Somali cop, Muhammad Noor. Damned, virtue-signalling Racists.......

I pray for all the governors and mayors, but it appears all the Democrats see themselves as little Anti-Christs, using the Covid 19 plague to destroy the economy. They send their little anti-Trump Brownshirts to 'protest' against America, while forcing the Christians to stay away from the Churches. May God have mercy on their souls!

Now, the corrupt government schools and their unionistas want to pay the teachers to not do their job. Perhaps God sent this virus to save our precious children from the Communist indoctrination inside public schools! Home schools, Catholic schools, and Charter schools to the rescue!

Remember what that little demon-possessed punk (Barack Obama's Chief-of-Staff) Rahm Emmanuel said:

'Don't ever let a good crisis go to waste'. The Demoncrats are hurting America, and they believe that the voters will throw President Trump out of office. I pray the American people will storm the voting booths and rebuke their asses good.

Finally, I want to pray to God Almighty to Bless our wonderful President Trump, and protect him from the false prophets at CNN, MSNBC, and The New York Times.  Also, I've placed a call to Father John Corsi, an exorcist. Clearly, many leftists on Twitter are possessed by demons.

May God Bless America!

An RSR Exclusive: More Newly-Discovered Nostradamus Predictions Have Surfaced

Michel de Nostredame (also known as Nostradamus) was a 16th century French astrologer and physician who predicted future wars, the rise of Hitler, and the assassination of John F. Kennedy.

The RedSquirrel Report have uncovered more of his writings, and we are excited to share these incredible, highly-accurate predictions:


This one appears to have predicted Attorney General Bill Barr's appearance before Jerrold Nadler's House Judiciary Committee last week:

In the year two-zero and two-zero......

Jerold Highpants called the others, and said: Let's call William before our committee, and make false accusation after false accusation after false accusation, and we shall vomit swarms of hornets out of our mouths,

We won't even stop to take a breath!, and we won't let him answer, or even get a word in edgewise!


In this prediction, The 16th Century Prophet appears to be speaking of Covid 19 and Democrat Governors, or perhaps the rise of The Anti-Christ:

The Ruler Donkeys caused pain and panic across the land, and the peasants shut themselves inside their huts and became idle.

Seasons changed, and The Asses told the peasants that 20,000,000 would die from the sickness, and ordered everyone to wear a mask and hide their face from the invisible invader.

Everyone must wear the Mark of the Mask if one wishes to buy food, and peasants had better practice social distancing, so we High Asses will board up The Churches! 



And finally, here's a prediction that seems to to be a warning to America:

And the professors corrupted the Young, And The Twits censured The Truth,
And the Rioters burned down the stores, And the Dumb defunded the Police,
And the Haters burned down The System, And they ALL blamed Orange Man!

And The Book of Faces made truth disappear......

And Now, A Word From Sheriff Buford T. Justice

Just when you thought that it couldn't get any more absurd and stupid, Minneapolis Police Chief Medaria Arrodondo is telling the law-abiding residents of Minneapolis to 'obey the criminals.' 

The RedSquirrel Report has contacted one of America's top law enforcement officials, and he had this to say:

Well, well, well.........The touchy-feely, bullshit police chief of Minne-apple is telling the law-abiding citizens in that city to 'obey the criminals.'

Sir, you need to kick some criminal element ass, because some people need an Attention-Getter!

What we have here is a total disrespect of the law! I saw psychotic criminals burn down that neighborhood on tv, and that little 9-year-old weasel mayor gave up the police precinct building to a bunch of selfie-taking assholes masquerading as 'protesters'. We don't allow that shit here. When you try that shit here, we arrest you.

I keep hearing about these Marxist 'Black Lives Matter'scum bums, and these pasty-faced AntiFa pricks are behind this bullshit. In reality, most of the commie revolutionaries are poontanging, white college girls and commie government school employees. 

Now we're hearing about this umbrella man. He sounds like a little trouble maker. I say 'arrest them all, and smack them good if they even try to fight back!'

Oh, they can think about fighting with or harming one of my fellow officers.......but they had better not DO it.....

This crap is happening almost exclusively in Democrat-controlled cities. I don't get it. You mean to tell me the residents of these cities voted for this???? THE MINNEAPOLIS CITY COUNCIL IS CONTEMPLATING THE UNTHINKABLY STUPID IDEA OF GETTING RID OF THEIR POLICE DEPARTMENT!!!? THESE COMMIE FREAKS NEED A PUNCH IN THE MOUTH!

Then, there is this crap in Portland, Oregon. President Trump sends agents to protect federal buildings from these Marxist assholes and the Democrat politicians are taking the side of these violent, anarchist weirdos. Representative Jerrold Nadler says that the violence in Portland is 'a myth,'

He needs an 'Attention-Getter' too! If I was the sheriff in Portland, I'd be barbequing these maniacs asses in MOLASSES, BECAUSE NOBODY MAKES SHERIFF BUFORD T. JUSTICE LOOK LIKE A POSSUM'S PECKER!!!

Well, that's all for now. I gotta go take my blood pressure medicine. I'm Sheriff Buford T. Justice.

Over and out.