Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce the return of that mystical visitor from the East. He is the soothsayer, sage, seer, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's American History teacher.... CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT!!!I hold in my hand the envelopes. As a low-information voter can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. They have been kept in a mayonnaise jar on House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's porch since noon today.
NO ONE knows the contents of these envelopes-but Carnac, in his mystical and borderline divine way, will ascertain the answers never having heard the questions.
Envelope Number One: Corruption, Marriage Fraud, and Immigration fraud
(He opens the envelope:) Name three things that are considered resume enhancers in Minnesota's Fifth Congressional District.
Envelope Number Two: A highway, a chicken, and Minnesota Governor Tim Walz.
(He opens the envelope:) Name something that is tarred, something that has feathers, and somebody who should be tarred and feathered.....
Envelope Number Three: The Minnesota Miracle
(He opens the envelope) Describe the next time a Republican wins a statewide election in Minnesota.
Envelope Number Four: 45
(He opens the envelope) What is the average I.Q. of The Minneapolis City Council?
I hold in my hand the final envelope. Everyone applauds loudly.
May a bloated hippopotamus make bubbles in your Jacuzzi...............
Envelope Number Five: Mr. Potato Head, Clint Eastwood, and Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey
(He opens the envelope;) Name a spud, a stud, and a dud.
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