You may be wondering whatever happened to my liberal associate, Longfellow Loon and The Loon of the Week award. I was thinking about discontinuing this (more less) weekly feature, because it seemed pointless to hand out an award for over-the-top, insane leftloonyness. So far in 2012, there was no real competition for Barack Obama's crazy weekly pronouncements and his maniacal, radical lust for absolute power.
I was actually thinking about retiring the award.
The first three weeks of 2012 saw our child dictator make unconstitutional recess appointments at a time when The House of Representatives isn't in recess. Who does this clown think he is, Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez?
He also told Congress that he wasn't going to wait for them to pass his leftist agenda.
Let's just say that The President has won the Loon of the Week Award for the last three weeks.
But, LOOK! Our loony pal, Longfellow Loon is here, and SOMEBODY ELSE wins this coveted award this week! So, let's tarry no longer. Here to bestow this week's award to somebody else than Barack Hussein Obama is our very own Longfellow Loon. Take it away. Loony!
"LOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOOO!!!! Thank you, Squirley! Congratulations on your new job, Director of Parks and Recreation in the new Mr. Dilettante Administration!! "
Thanks.
"The Loonies of the Week are those wonderful Occupy Oakland protesters! LOOLOOLOOLOOLOOLOOOLOOLOOOLOOLOOOLOOLOOOO!!!!
While most of the OWS protests have fizzled out, these heroic protesters have really stepped it up! This weekend, they broke into and vandalized Oakland City Hall. These angels of virtue have stated something that ANYONE with a basic understanding of The Constitution knows....
Vandalism and criminal activity is protected under the first Amendment. It's right there.....alongside the right to have an abortion! LOOLOOOLOOLOOLOOLOOLOOOLOOLOOOLOOLOOLOOLOOLOOO!!!!!"
Thank you, Longfellow Loon. Great report!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Obama Announces "The Fair Deal"
Hot on the heels of the big State of the Union Show last week, our child dictator is getting ready to roll out the most ambitious agenda since Franklyn Delano Roosevelt's New Deal.
Let's call it "Obama's Fair Deal".
If you play by HIS rules, agree to be HIS tool, and help HIM get re-elected, you can take part. It's only fair.
In the SOTU Address, Obama talked about rewarding hard work. You know, like those poor, hard-working Solyndra execs. It just breaks my heart when I think about the hard work of laundering a half-billion dollars through this fraudulent company. Just remember: Solar and wind....good. Oil....bad.
I just hope those Solyndra execs can feed their kids. The poor darlings.
Our agitator-In-Chief invited Warren Buffett's Secretary, poor Mrs. ah' Wiggins, to his show last week to illustrate the unfairness of our tax code. Since the Secretary of the Treasury Tiny Tim Geithner is such an old hand at getting around the tax laws, we really should him and Buffett's secretary together.
Timmy could turn that secretary into a lean, mean tax-cheating machine.
When I think of the unfairness of workers in the private sector making almost HALF of their government employee counterparts, I conclude that tea-baggers like Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker must be re-called from office.
Remember, public sector employees really are better than everyone else. It should be an honor for you private sector workers to keep working into your late 60's, so that a government sector employee can retire at 55. Just stop being so selfish.
It's only fair.
Let's call it "Obama's Fair Deal".
If you play by HIS rules, agree to be HIS tool, and help HIM get re-elected, you can take part. It's only fair.
In the SOTU Address, Obama talked about rewarding hard work. You know, like those poor, hard-working Solyndra execs. It just breaks my heart when I think about the hard work of laundering a half-billion dollars through this fraudulent company. Just remember: Solar and wind....good. Oil....bad.
I just hope those Solyndra execs can feed their kids. The poor darlings.
Our agitator-In-Chief invited Warren Buffett's Secretary, poor Mrs. ah' Wiggins, to his show last week to illustrate the unfairness of our tax code. Since the Secretary of the Treasury Tiny Tim Geithner is such an old hand at getting around the tax laws, we really should him and Buffett's secretary together.
Timmy could turn that secretary into a lean, mean tax-cheating machine.
When I think of the unfairness of workers in the private sector making almost HALF of their government employee counterparts, I conclude that tea-baggers like Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker must be re-called from office.
Remember, public sector employees really are better than everyone else. It should be an honor for you private sector workers to keep working into your late 60's, so that a government sector employee can retire at 55. Just stop being so selfish.
It's only fair.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Our Reporter Was There On The Tarmac
One of our sources at The RedSquirrel Report was there when our glorious child dictator met Arizona Governor Jan Brewer at the tarmac. The following is their conversation, as heard by our source:Brewer: Mr. President.
Obama: I would like to have a word with you.
Brewer: Mr. President?
Obama: You disrespected me in that book you wrote....
Brewer: I thought you were here to discuss immigration policy. We are being overrun by gangs and....
Obama(interrupting): I AM PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA, AND YOU AREN'T!!! YOU'RE JUST A GOVERNOR. GOT THAT??!!
Brewer: These illegal aliens are....
OBAMA(pointing at Air Force One): SEE THAT? THAT IS AIR FORCE ONE. THAT IS MYYYY RIDE! I LIVE IN THE WHITE HOUSE!
Brewer: Really, Mr. President, you're being childish....
OBAMA: NO, I'M NOT!
Brewer: Can we please behave like adults?
Obama: I DEMAND AN APOLOGY!
Brewer (poking Obama's chest): Listen, YOU arrogant, insufferable ASS! Arizona is being overrun by gangs and illegal aliens. Many of these bloodthirsty creeps were armed by YOUR ATTORNEY GENERAL, and what are YOU DOING ABOUT THIS?
(Obama turns his back, and begins walking back towards Air Force One)
Brewer (continues): YOU SUE ME FOR DOING YOUR DAMNED JOB! Just get your worthless carcass back on YOUR STUPID RIDE, and GET OUT OF HERE!
Obama was last seen running into Air Force One, and ordering his pilot to take off.
Governor Jan Brewer was last seen, still yelling on the tarmac.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
The Beleagured State Of The Union 2012
Tonight, the Messiah lectures the nation in (hopefully his final) State of the Union Address. Here at The RedSquirrel Report, we have been given a preview of tonight's speech, and have ran it through our Truthteller 3000.
Here is an excerpt:
"Thank you.........Thank you (Democrats stand, applaud, cheering loudly).....Please........(Democrats keep standing).....Thank you.....Yes, I know that I'm almost God-like. Yes.....
......Hey, Nancy Pelosi just fainted.....Is there a doctor in the house? Thank God for Obamacare........Please sit. Please. Thank you, Please, the teleprompter wants everyone to sit down. Thank you,
I was in Disney World last week. How do you like my Mickey Mouse ears? (forced laughter)..Seriously, I am here to report to the American people that the State of the Union is....uh.....bad because of the PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION.....and it is only my incredible leadership that has kept things from getting even WORSE. (Democrats cheer wildly, the Republicans laugh).
Last week, I killed tens of thousands of jobs, by denying the permit needed to start building the Keystone XL Pipeline. I stopped those evil 'big oil' guys from creating up to 100,000 jobs. We all know that when Americans have jobs, they tend to vote Republican, AND WE JUST CAN'T HAVE THAT! (Democrats loudly yell 'No!')
The official unemployment rate is 8.6%, because we don't count 2,000,000 or so Americans too discouraged to even look for for a job anymore. My plan is to make EVERY American too discouraged to look for a job....Someday, the official unemployment rate will be 0.0%, as long as we COUNT NOBODY! (Democrats cheer wildly).
The previous occupant of my....I mean....The White House referred to our enemies as 'an axis of evil'. I refer to my enemies as 'America's traditional allies'. I believe that we should not demonize Iran, because I might have accidentally gave them one of our predator drones, and I really don't want that drone to be used against us....
There are those to criticise me for Operation Fast and Furious, the Solyndra money laundering scheme, for unconstitutional recess appointments, and my signature achievement, Obamacare, which we could only pass because our leadership BRIBED THE HELL of our caucus to get it passed. To all of you who dare criticise ME, my friends at Attack Watch and the Service Employees International Union will be in touch.
As is the tradition, we have some special guests sitting next to the First Lady. Let me introduce them. First, is the man who pulls my strings, George Soros (Democrats cheer loudly). Next, is a guy who has made more visits to The White House than ANYBODY else, commie-unionista Andy Stern. Yes, we should get him to a post office, so he can fill a change-of-address card. We have an extra bedroom. Finally, seated next to my wonderful wife Michelle, is creepy mask guy from the Occupy Wall Street protests. Stand up and wave to the crowd, guys. (Democrats cheer).
While I was at Disney World, I made a speech, inviting foreign visitors to enjoy America's tourist spots. I want to keep those visitors around, long enough to get them registered to vote for me.
There are those on the other side of the aisle who refuse to raise taxes on the richest fat cats. All we want is just a little fairness. Just think what could I could achieve if my campaign could have laundered a BILLION DOLLARS through Solyndra, instead of a paltry half-billion dollars.
The oracle of Omaha, Warren Buffet, told me that his secretary pays more in taxes than he does! IS THAT FAIR? (The Democrats yell. 'NO!') And if the dirty Republicans get their way, that poor secretary will wind up dying in debtors prison! IS THAT FAIR?(The Democrats yell 'NO!') And Mitt Romney will enjoy firing the jailer. Nobody will be there to let her out! IS THAT FAIR? (The Democrats stand up, then turn to the Republicans, point at them, and 'boo' loudly).
Every American must ask themselves, 'Am I better off than I was four years ago?' I know that I AM! I know some Solyndra execs who are! (The Democrats cheer loudly).
I know that Nancy Pelosi is! Everybody at Light Squared is! The government public employee unions? HELL YEAH!
That's my time. I'm outta here! See you on Election Day"....(The Democrats cheer, then start chanting 'Barack Hussein Obama....mmm....mmm....mmm').
End of transcript.
Here is an excerpt:
"Thank you.........Thank you (Democrats stand, applaud, cheering loudly).....Please........(Democrats keep standing).....Thank you.....Yes, I know that I'm almost God-like. Yes.....
......Hey, Nancy Pelosi just fainted.....Is there a doctor in the house? Thank God for Obamacare........Please sit. Please. Thank you, Please, the teleprompter wants everyone to sit down. Thank you,
I was in Disney World last week. How do you like my Mickey Mouse ears? (forced laughter)..Seriously, I am here to report to the American people that the State of the Union is....uh.....bad because of the PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION.....and it is only my incredible leadership that has kept things from getting even WORSE. (Democrats cheer wildly, the Republicans laugh).
Last week, I killed tens of thousands of jobs, by denying the permit needed to start building the Keystone XL Pipeline. I stopped those evil 'big oil' guys from creating up to 100,000 jobs. We all know that when Americans have jobs, they tend to vote Republican, AND WE JUST CAN'T HAVE THAT! (Democrats loudly yell 'No!')
The official unemployment rate is 8.6%, because we don't count 2,000,000 or so Americans too discouraged to even look for for a job anymore. My plan is to make EVERY American too discouraged to look for a job....Someday, the official unemployment rate will be 0.0%, as long as we COUNT NOBODY! (Democrats cheer wildly).
The previous occupant of my....I mean....The White House referred to our enemies as 'an axis of evil'. I refer to my enemies as 'America's traditional allies'. I believe that we should not demonize Iran, because I might have accidentally gave them one of our predator drones, and I really don't want that drone to be used against us....
There are those to criticise me for Operation Fast and Furious, the Solyndra money laundering scheme, for unconstitutional recess appointments, and my signature achievement, Obamacare, which we could only pass because our leadership BRIBED THE HELL of our caucus to get it passed. To all of you who dare criticise ME, my friends at Attack Watch and the Service Employees International Union will be in touch.
As is the tradition, we have some special guests sitting next to the First Lady. Let me introduce them. First, is the man who pulls my strings, George Soros (Democrats cheer loudly). Next, is a guy who has made more visits to The White House than ANYBODY else, commie-unionista Andy Stern. Yes, we should get him to a post office, so he can fill a change-of-address card. We have an extra bedroom. Finally, seated next to my wonderful wife Michelle, is creepy mask guy from the Occupy Wall Street protests. Stand up and wave to the crowd, guys. (Democrats cheer).
While I was at Disney World, I made a speech, inviting foreign visitors to enjoy America's tourist spots. I want to keep those visitors around, long enough to get them registered to vote for me.
There are those on the other side of the aisle who refuse to raise taxes on the richest fat cats. All we want is just a little fairness. Just think what could I could achieve if my campaign could have laundered a BILLION DOLLARS through Solyndra, instead of a paltry half-billion dollars.
The oracle of Omaha, Warren Buffet, told me that his secretary pays more in taxes than he does! IS THAT FAIR? (The Democrats yell. 'NO!') And if the dirty Republicans get their way, that poor secretary will wind up dying in debtors prison! IS THAT FAIR?(The Democrats yell 'NO!') And Mitt Romney will enjoy firing the jailer. Nobody will be there to let her out! IS THAT FAIR? (The Democrats stand up, then turn to the Republicans, point at them, and 'boo' loudly).
Every American must ask themselves, 'Am I better off than I was four years ago?' I know that I AM! I know some Solyndra execs who are! (The Democrats cheer loudly).
I know that Nancy Pelosi is! Everybody at Light Squared is! The government public employee unions? HELL YEAH!
That's my time. I'm outta here! See you on Election Day"....(The Democrats cheer, then start chanting 'Barack Hussein Obama....mmm....mmm....mmm').
End of transcript.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
A Statement From Candidate RedSquirrel
"On Friday, Mr. Dilettante was declared the winner of the Minnesota Organization Of Bloggers Mayoral race. I congratulated him on his tremendous victory.
The mayor-elect has ran a terrific campaign. Now it's time for him to give us our marching orders. We are your army, Mr. Mayor.
On Saturday, the new Mayor suggested to me that I may be in line for the position of Director of Parks and Recreation. My cousin Twiggy loves to water ski, so the news had a special appeal to him.
Today, I checked in to Mr. Dilettante's Neighborhood to find that the position of 'Shadowy, Out-Of-State Operative' has been given to me. It is impossible for me to be 'an out-of-state' operative, having resided in Minnesota all my life. Still, I believe that I can still serve The MOB in the capacity of 'Shadowy Operative.'
While I was a candidate, I learned about the issue of AJFS, commonly known as Aging Jedi Flatulence Syndrome. I urge the new Mayor to help in the effort to find the cure of this terrible affliction. Until that day comes, I will wear this brown ribbon (point to my lapel) as a way to remember the victims.
I thank my voters. When I started this train wreck, I mean....campaign, nobody knew who I was. There was even a question as to whether I even existed. I learned that even in a mock election, it's important to let people know that you exist.
Secretary Of State-For-Life Learned Foot was incorrect in saying that I had voted for myself 7 times.
I want to make it clear that I did not I voted for myself seven times. I voted for myself twice..........and then payed some people to vote for me. I found out my supporters are cheap but they aren't free.
Thanks to The Kool Aid Report, for allowing me on the ballot, and letting me take part in this process.
The mayor-elect has ran a terrific campaign. Now it's time for him to give us our marching orders. We are your army, Mr. Mayor.
On Saturday, the new Mayor suggested to me that I may be in line for the position of Director of Parks and Recreation. My cousin Twiggy loves to water ski, so the news had a special appeal to him.
Today, I checked in to Mr. Dilettante's Neighborhood to find that the position of 'Shadowy, Out-Of-State Operative' has been given to me. It is impossible for me to be 'an out-of-state' operative, having resided in Minnesota all my life. Still, I believe that I can still serve The MOB in the capacity of 'Shadowy Operative.'
While I was a candidate, I learned about the issue of AJFS, commonly known as Aging Jedi Flatulence Syndrome. I urge the new Mayor to help in the effort to find the cure of this terrible affliction. Until that day comes, I will wear this brown ribbon (point to my lapel) as a way to remember the victims.
I thank my voters. When I started this train wreck, I mean....campaign, nobody knew who I was. There was even a question as to whether I even existed. I learned that even in a mock election, it's important to let people know that you exist.
Secretary Of State-For-Life Learned Foot was incorrect in saying that I had voted for myself 7 times.
I want to make it clear that I did not I voted for myself seven times. I voted for myself twice..........and then payed some people to vote for me. I found out my supporters are cheap but they aren't free.
Thanks to The Kool Aid Report, for allowing me on the ballot, and letting me take part in this process.
Newt Gingrich Wins South Carolina Primary, Because That's What Chuck Norris Wanted
In a GOP Primary shocker, Former Speaker Newt Gingrich easily won the South Carolina Primary yesterday. The results of yesterday's vote seemed to surprise everyone, except actor/ famous tough guy Chuck Norris, who endorsed the former speaker.
They say that the fear of spiders is called arachnophobia. The fear of closed places is called claustrophobia. The fear of Chuck Norris is called 'common sense'.
In exit polls, many South Carolinians believed that the former actor was 'watching them' as they were in the voting booth.
"Chuck Norris got in a staring match with the sun once, and the sun blinked. 'Damned right I voted for Newt!", one voter said in Columbia.
"We sit around the old campfire telling Chuck Norris stories." one ghost in Charleston said. "Yeah, we were afraid of what Norris could still do to us if we failed to vote for Gingrich".
Even the dreaded Bogeyman made it to the polls.
"Last night, I had to check under my bed for Chuck Norris. Then, I made sure that I made it to my local polling station to fill the oval for Newt".
Many political pundits agree that Chuck Norris can be an extremely potent ally for the former Speaker. It will be interesting to see if the 'Norris Effect' carries Gingrich to victory in the Florida Primary on January 31.
They say that the fear of spiders is called arachnophobia. The fear of closed places is called claustrophobia. The fear of Chuck Norris is called 'common sense'.
In exit polls, many South Carolinians believed that the former actor was 'watching them' as they were in the voting booth.
"Chuck Norris got in a staring match with the sun once, and the sun blinked. 'Damned right I voted for Newt!", one voter said in Columbia.
"We sit around the old campfire telling Chuck Norris stories." one ghost in Charleston said. "Yeah, we were afraid of what Norris could still do to us if we failed to vote for Gingrich".
Even the dreaded Bogeyman made it to the polls.
"Last night, I had to check under my bed for Chuck Norris. Then, I made sure that I made it to my local polling station to fill the oval for Newt".
Many political pundits agree that Chuck Norris can be an extremely potent ally for the former Speaker. It will be interesting to see if the 'Norris Effect' carries Gingrich to victory in the Florida Primary on January 31.
Obama Shuts Down Main Street...Literally
Fresh off his latest battle against the American working class (denying the permit to begin work on the Keystone XL Pipeline), our glorious leader made an appearance at Disney World, where he literally shut down Main Street U.S.A.
He wanted to encourage foreign tourism. In his race to turn America into a banana republic, it wouldn't surprise me if he tried to register these visitors to vote in 2012.
This Mickey Mouse President is writing my material for me. I don't even have to be here.
So, there he was, Making ANOTHER JOBS speech, in front of Cinderella's castle....with NOBODY else in the picture. Disney World looked totally deserted.
When President Dumbo finds out that the employees of Disneyland actually work in the private sector, he will probably order it to be closed down and sent to India....
....or taken over by the Service Employees International Union.
He wanted to encourage foreign tourism. In his race to turn America into a banana republic, it wouldn't surprise me if he tried to register these visitors to vote in 2012.
This Mickey Mouse President is writing my material for me. I don't even have to be here.
So, there he was, Making ANOTHER JOBS speech, in front of Cinderella's castle....with NOBODY else in the picture. Disney World looked totally deserted.
When President Dumbo finds out that the employees of Disneyland actually work in the private sector, he will probably order it to be closed down and sent to India....
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Obama Czar To America's Children: "Don't Clean Your Room"
In a recent GOP Debate, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich caused outrage for his assertion that kids can be janitors.
The Presidential candidate suggested that it could be beneficial for young people to learn the work ethic, and perhaps learn to appreciate the concept of earning your money.
And so, President Obama's new Children's Rights Czar, Norton Snotley, has issued a new Obama dictate. It reads:
"In Former Speaker Gingrich twisted worldview, children will be forced to work in under aged sweatshops. We must protect these delicate little snowflakes from the likes of the Republicans. In fact, children need to be protected from their own parents.
Therefore, the administration will be issuing a dictate to the parents of the United States of Obama.
You may not tell your child to clean his (or her) room, or you will be violating child labor laws. Thank you for your compliance".
The Presidential candidate suggested that it could be beneficial for young people to learn the work ethic, and perhaps learn to appreciate the concept of earning your money.
And so, President Obama's new Children's Rights Czar, Norton Snotley, has issued a new Obama dictate. It reads:
"In Former Speaker Gingrich twisted worldview, children will be forced to work in under aged sweatshops. We must protect these delicate little snowflakes from the likes of the Republicans. In fact, children need to be protected from their own parents.
Therefore, the administration will be issuing a dictate to the parents of the United States of Obama.
You may not tell your child to clean his (or her) room, or you will be violating child labor laws. Thank you for your compliance".
Newsweek Loses It's Mind
Did you see last week's cover story, entitled '31 Ways To Get SMARTER-FASTER'?
If you add the two cover stories together, the number one way to get SMARTER-FASTER is quite simple:
Stop criticizing the Messiah.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Valerie Jarrett And The Gospel Of Obama
On Sunday, Senior Obama Advisor Valerie Jarrett stood at the pulpit of Ebenezer Baptist Church in Atlanta (Martin Luther King Jr's Church), and gave her testimony to 'The Messiah'. No, not Jesus Christ....the other messiah, Barack Hussein Obama.
On the day before MLK Day, the renowned slumlord and White House crony delivered a partisan sermon. Here is a portion of her remarks, translation courtesy of our Truthteller 3000:
"I'm pleased to see so many BLACK DEMOCRAT voters this morning. Can I get an amen? Remember, we will have a voter registration drive afterwards, and if you'd like to contribute to our Messiah's re-election, we will be passing around the collection plate for that purpose....
Change is hard, but we've come a long way. It seemed like only yesterday we had to sit in the back of the bus, and drinking fountains were segregated, But nowadays, I can order a white, 5-star general in his full-dress uniform to fetch me a glass of champagne! Hey Garcon', TOP THIS OFF!!!!
Now, ANYTHING is possible, because of our Messiah!
It used to be that we were livin' in chanteys and slums. Now, we ARE the slumlords. Hello Grove Park Plaza, hello Tony Rezko. Oh, happy day!
In the bad old days, The United States of American battled Communism. Now, we ARE the government. Don't worry, Van Jones. We have a place for you in the White House.
But, all our progress is in peril. Teachers and firefighters and police, whose jobs are in jeopardy because Congress, well let me be more specific, because the
REPUBLICANS want your kids to be uneducated, your houses to burn, and your families to be murdered.
In fact, I'll bet that it was really the rascally Republicans who denied us The Chicago Summer Olympics 2016. I was gonna make a fortune off that! Damn those Republican devils! Can I get an amen?
Tomorrow is Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday. All you government employees have the day off. I think the best way to honor the memory of Dr. King is volunteer for The Messiah's re-election. Be sure to pick up your 'Obama 2012' t-shirt as you leave."
On the day before MLK Day, the renowned slumlord and White House crony delivered a partisan sermon. Here is a portion of her remarks, translation courtesy of our Truthteller 3000:
"I'm pleased to see so many BLACK DEMOCRAT voters this morning. Can I get an amen? Remember, we will have a voter registration drive afterwards, and if you'd like to contribute to our Messiah's re-election, we will be passing around the collection plate for that purpose....
Change is hard, but we've come a long way. It seemed like only yesterday we had to sit in the back of the bus, and drinking fountains were segregated, But nowadays, I can order a white, 5-star general in his full-dress uniform to fetch me a glass of champagne! Hey Garcon', TOP THIS OFF!!!!
Now, ANYTHING is possible, because of our Messiah!
It used to be that we were livin' in chanteys and slums. Now, we ARE the slumlords. Hello Grove Park Plaza, hello Tony Rezko. Oh, happy day!
In the bad old days, The United States of American battled Communism. Now, we ARE the government. Don't worry, Van Jones. We have a place for you in the White House.
But, all our progress is in peril. Teachers and firefighters and police, whose jobs are in jeopardy because Congress, well let me be more specific, because the
REPUBLICANS want your kids to be uneducated, your houses to burn, and your families to be murdered.
In fact, I'll bet that it was really the rascally Republicans who denied us The Chicago Summer Olympics 2016. I was gonna make a fortune off that! Damn those Republican devils! Can I get an amen?
Tomorrow is Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday. All you government employees have the day off. I think the best way to honor the memory of Dr. King is volunteer for The Messiah's re-election. Be sure to pick up your 'Obama 2012' t-shirt as you leave."
Monday, January 16, 2012
Satanists, Atheists, And Bill Maher Cheer Tom Brady On To Victory
On Saturday, the New England Patriots defeated the Tim Tebow-led Denver Broncos, 45-10.
Patriot Quarterback Tom Brady threw for a play-off record five touchdowns in the first half, while Bronco Quarterback Tim Tebow's season of miracles came to a crashing end.
There was no parting of the red, white, and blue pass rush, as the Patriot defence chased Tebow through the desert of no answers. Meanwhile, satanists and atheists from all over cheered for New England QB Tom Brady.
At the Los Angeles Church of Satan, the devil worshippers spent their sabbath praying for and cheering on the Patriots. After each Brady touchdown, they filled their chalices with blood, and took a long swig.
Each time Tebow was sacked, the devil worshippers praised Satan loudly, chanting in Latin as their heads spun around. Tim Tebow finished the game having completed only 9 of 26 passes for only 136 passing yards.
"Behold, the mighty power of Satan!" they yelled.
"All hail SATAN, and his disciple TOM BRADY!!" they chanted.
Meanwhile, in Salem, Massachusetts, a coven of wiccans celebrated in a more quiet manner.
Gavin Snotley, President of Americans for a Godless Way, celebrated with his 12-year-old son.
"The fact that Tim Tebow played poorly is proof that there is no God", snorted Snotley. wiping his nose on his sleeve.
Bill Maher, host of a lowly-rated HBO talk show, celebrated with Hef at the Playboy Mansion. Maher tebowed on the plush living room carpet each time Tebow was sacked or threw an incompleted pass, as Hefner's girlfriends giggled.
"Take THAT, Tebow....and that imaginary friend of yours!", Maher sneered.
Meanwhile, during the post-game press conference, England Patriot Quarterback Tom Brady was asked if it was indeed Satan that had delivered victory for the Pats. All he could do was smile sheepishly, and say, "Next question, please."
Patriot Quarterback Tom Brady threw for a play-off record five touchdowns in the first half, while Bronco Quarterback Tim Tebow's season of miracles came to a crashing end.
There was no parting of the red, white, and blue pass rush, as the Patriot defence chased Tebow through the desert of no answers. Meanwhile, satanists and atheists from all over cheered for New England QB Tom Brady.
At the Los Angeles Church of Satan, the devil worshippers spent their sabbath praying for and cheering on the Patriots. After each Brady touchdown, they filled their chalices with blood, and took a long swig.
Each time Tebow was sacked, the devil worshippers praised Satan loudly, chanting in Latin as their heads spun around. Tim Tebow finished the game having completed only 9 of 26 passes for only 136 passing yards.
"Behold, the mighty power of Satan!" they yelled.
"All hail SATAN, and his disciple TOM BRADY!!" they chanted.
Meanwhile, in Salem, Massachusetts, a coven of wiccans celebrated in a more quiet manner.
Gavin Snotley, President of Americans for a Godless Way, celebrated with his 12-year-old son.
"The fact that Tim Tebow played poorly is proof that there is no God", snorted Snotley. wiping his nose on his sleeve.
Bill Maher, host of a lowly-rated HBO talk show, celebrated with Hef at the Playboy Mansion. Maher tebowed on the plush living room carpet each time Tebow was sacked or threw an incompleted pass, as Hefner's girlfriends giggled.
"Take THAT, Tebow....and that imaginary friend of yours!", Maher sneered.
Meanwhile, during the post-game press conference, England Patriot Quarterback Tom Brady was asked if it was indeed Satan that had delivered victory for the Pats. All he could do was smile sheepishly, and say, "Next question, please."
Sunday, January 15, 2012
RedSquirrel Suspends Candidacy
In a shocking development in The Minnesota Organization of Bloggers Mayoral race, candidate J. RedSquirrel has announced the suspension of his campaign.
"I am suspending my campaign....ten minutes after the final results are announced", the candidate typed softly, sitting alone in his small apartment.
The candidate committed a cringe-worthy gaffe on the final question. During the debate, sponsored on The Kool Aid Report blog, the moderator told the candidates that in their written replies, there cannot any punctuation, no letter 'b's, or no capitol letters used.
In the text of candidate RedSquirrel's answer, he referred to 'receiving generous contributions from the russian mafia'. Also, the candidate committed a second offense when he ended a sentence with a question mark.
Many political pundits agree that RedSquirrel's career in politics is doomed. We will find out on Monday, when the voting starts.
"I am suspending my campaign....ten minutes after the final results are announced", the candidate typed softly, sitting alone in his small apartment.
The candidate committed a cringe-worthy gaffe on the final question. During the debate, sponsored on The Kool Aid Report blog, the moderator told the candidates that in their written replies, there cannot any punctuation, no letter 'b's, or no capitol letters used.
In the text of candidate RedSquirrel's answer, he referred to 'receiving generous contributions from the russian mafia'. Also, the candidate committed a second offense when he ended a sentence with a question mark.
Many political pundits agree that RedSquirrel's career in politics is doomed. We will find out on Monday, when the voting starts.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
This Week's Tebow Report
1
And it came to pass, that Tebow and his army went 0-3, backing into the play-offs. They were to be opposed by the powerful, fearsome Steelers of Pittsburgh. As Tebow's detractors and critics mocked him, he kept the faith.
2
He sang, "Oh Lord, you are with me and my unorthodox throwing arm. Lead me into the shadow of the Steel Curtain, and into the kingdom of the AFC Championship.
3
And lo, the Steelers tied the game, both teams had finished regulation with seven and seven and seven plus two, and Tebow and the Broncos knew they were now in sudden death overtime. Yet, Tebow kept the faith.
4
And on the first play in sudden death, Tebow hit one of his speedy receivers over the middle, and the speedy receiver ran like quicksilver down the sideline.
5
And Tebow's heart jumped with joy. And Tebow said, "Lo! Behold! thee wide receiver hast scored!
6
And the crowd at Mile High Stadium rejoiced.
7
And then Tebow tebowed, giving thanks to The LORD, saying, "Whilst my critics and detractors mock my throwing arm and my bad passing stats, my spirit is glad."
8
And even though Bill Maher ridicules me, and opposing teams tebow in a mocking way, I rejoice. I praise thee! Amen.
9
And it came to pass, the game statistician opened the scroll, and told the fans that Tebow had indeed passed for 3:16 yards. And the sport casters told the people that this was indeed a sign.
10
After the game, Tebow was asked, "Are you expecting a miracle next week in New England?"
11
And Tebow saith, "My Lord is like a rock, whether we win or lose".
(Disclaimer: I did not post this to add to The Bible. I don't want to make God mad. Rather, this post can be read in a similar spirit as KFAN's Greg Coleman's pre-game preach. Enjoy.)
And it came to pass, that Tebow and his army went 0-3, backing into the play-offs. They were to be opposed by the powerful, fearsome Steelers of Pittsburgh. As Tebow's detractors and critics mocked him, he kept the faith.
2
He sang, "Oh Lord, you are with me and my unorthodox throwing arm. Lead me into the shadow of the Steel Curtain, and into the kingdom of the AFC Championship.
3
And lo, the Steelers tied the game, both teams had finished regulation with seven and seven and seven plus two, and Tebow and the Broncos knew they were now in sudden death overtime. Yet, Tebow kept the faith.
4
And on the first play in sudden death, Tebow hit one of his speedy receivers over the middle, and the speedy receiver ran like quicksilver down the sideline.
5
And Tebow's heart jumped with joy. And Tebow said, "Lo! Behold! thee wide receiver hast scored!
6
And the crowd at Mile High Stadium rejoiced.
7
And then Tebow tebowed, giving thanks to The LORD, saying, "Whilst my critics and detractors mock my throwing arm and my bad passing stats, my spirit is glad."
8
And even though Bill Maher ridicules me, and opposing teams tebow in a mocking way, I rejoice. I praise thee! Amen.
9
And it came to pass, the game statistician opened the scroll, and told the fans that Tebow had indeed passed for 3:16 yards. And the sport casters told the people that this was indeed a sign.
10
After the game, Tebow was asked, "Are you expecting a miracle next week in New England?"
11
And Tebow saith, "My Lord is like a rock, whether we win or lose".
(Disclaimer: I did not post this to add to The Bible. I don't want to make God mad. Rather, this post can be read in a similar spirit as KFAN's Greg Coleman's pre-game preach. Enjoy.)
Mad As A Hatter
"Welcome to our Alice In Wonderland party!" The Mad Hatter said, having finished yet ANOTHER round of golf in Vacationland.
America watched, as Johnny the Depp greeted guests, enormous, stuffed animals sat in chairs around a long table, and fruit punch was served in blood vials. There were deserts served on tiered serving plates, as The Queen of Spades wore a leopard fancy dress costume. The Queen of Hearts, also known as Roseanne Barr, yelled. "Off with the rich capitalists' heads!"
America asked. "Why all this weird opulence right in the middle of a recession? Aren't you concerned that the American people might be angry when they find out about this strange party?"
The Hatter grinned like a Chestshire Cat, and said, "Because I own the news media, my allies will wait two years to report on this party." Then, the Mad Hatter went into the White House for his daily meeting with his NLRB.
"Go tell Boeing to meet us at the chessboard. My men will tell you where you may go. As for Gibson Guitars, my guards will break down their doors!"
Then America met The Door mouse Timothy Geithner, a hooka-smoking Catepillar Ben Bernanke, and a Congress of Dodos, who gave America a pill. One pill would keep the national debt small, the other pill made it explode.
"We picked the wrong pill," America said. "This is madness."
"Welcome to the rabbit hole", The Mad Hatter said. "You haven't seen anything yet. Have you met my Death Panel, yet?"
America watched, as Johnny the Depp greeted guests, enormous, stuffed animals sat in chairs around a long table, and fruit punch was served in blood vials. There were deserts served on tiered serving plates, as The Queen of Spades wore a leopard fancy dress costume. The Queen of Hearts, also known as Roseanne Barr, yelled. "Off with the rich capitalists' heads!"
America asked. "Why all this weird opulence right in the middle of a recession? Aren't you concerned that the American people might be angry when they find out about this strange party?"
The Hatter grinned like a Chestshire Cat, and said, "Because I own the news media, my allies will wait two years to report on this party." Then, the Mad Hatter went into the White House for his daily meeting with his NLRB.
"Go tell Boeing to meet us at the chessboard. My men will tell you where you may go. As for Gibson Guitars, my guards will break down their doors!"
Then America met The Door mouse Timothy Geithner, a hooka-smoking Catepillar Ben Bernanke, and a Congress of Dodos, who gave America a pill. One pill would keep the national debt small, the other pill made it explode.
"We picked the wrong pill," America said. "This is madness."
"Welcome to the rabbit hole", The Mad Hatter said. "You haven't seen anything yet. Have you met my Death Panel, yet?"
Thursday, January 5, 2012
That Obama Is One Busy Little Marxist Beaver
2012 is only 4 days old, but our little community organizer has sure been one busy Marxist beaver, taking his "War On America-American Tour 2012" Campaign to Ohio.
Speaking before a receptive audience of well-trained Democrat seals (cough cough: public school), who barked and clapped along, the Messiah railed against Congress.
"The DASTARDLY Republicans wanted to cut your payroll taxes for a year, while I fought like hell for a 2-month payroll tax reduction! I am not going to wait for Congress to write laws anymore! In case you missed the memo, The United States of Obama is a glorious dictatorship by decree!"
Meanwhile, Our glorious ruler as recess-appointed Richard Cordray as the head of the brand new Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, even though Congress isn't in recess. If this was the NFL, it would be a little like starting the second half with only one team on the field.
Oh, and he also wants to cut a trillion dollars from our defence budget.
I'm starting to think that our glorious leader isn't keen on the separation of powers.
Speaking before a receptive audience of well-trained Democrat seals (cough cough: public school), who barked and clapped along, the Messiah railed against Congress.
"The DASTARDLY Republicans wanted to cut your payroll taxes for a year, while I fought like hell for a 2-month payroll tax reduction! I am not going to wait for Congress to write laws anymore! In case you missed the memo, The United States of Obama is a glorious dictatorship by decree!"
Meanwhile, Our glorious ruler as recess-appointed Richard Cordray as the head of the brand new Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, even though Congress isn't in recess. If this was the NFL, it would be a little like starting the second half with only one team on the field.
Oh, and he also wants to cut a trillion dollars from our defence budget.
I'm starting to think that our glorious leader isn't keen on the separation of powers.
Speaking Of Inappropriate Relationships
With last month's resignation of State Senate Majority Leader Amy Koch, we are being yapped at by poo-tossing lefty bloggers, suddenly concerned about 'inappropriate relationships'.
Speaking of inappropriate relationships, how about that relationship between The Obama Regime and Solyndra? The last time I checked, Senate Leader Koch's inappropriate relationship with the male staffer didn't cost the tax payers half a billion dollars.
Or, how about the the inappropriate relationship between teacher's unions and the Democrat Party?
Or how about the inappropriate relationship where, former Massachusetts Representative Barney Frank was literally 'in bed' with the Freddie Mac exec.
I could go on all day, but you self-righteous leftists are boring me.
Speaking of inappropriate relationships, how about that relationship between The Obama Regime and Solyndra? The last time I checked, Senate Leader Koch's inappropriate relationship with the male staffer didn't cost the tax payers half a billion dollars.
Or, how about the the inappropriate relationship between teacher's unions and the Democrat Party?
Or how about the inappropriate relationship where, former Massachusetts Representative Barney Frank was literally 'in bed' with the Freddie Mac exec.
I could go on all day, but you self-righteous leftists are boring me.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Tomorrow We Occupy Disneyland
The Occupy Movement infested the Tournament of Roses on Monday, as hundreds of protesters took their diseased show to The 123rd Rose Bowl Parade in Pasadena, California.
Demonstrating against the corporatism of the parade, they built a 70-foot octopus float. Watch out Disneyland, you're probably next. I can just see it now.
Seven S.E.I.U. Dwarfs (singing 'heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to occupy we go') will beat the visitors, and man the ticket booths.
Gone will be the folksy Country Bear Jamboree. It will be replaced by the audio-animatronic drum circle.
Fantasyland will be replaced by Sad Realityland, complete with angry college students with no marketable skills. Replacing the happy voices singing "It's A Small World", you will hear a series of anti-Wall Street and anti-Semitic chants. Nearby, bankers are forced to walk the plank at the 'Pirates of Wall Street' exhibit.
In Diseaseland, you are sure to contact at least one of the many diseases that we had eradicated.
You will be greeted warmly by a guy in a large rodent costume. Just be careful. He's not an employee. If you're a female, scream loudly.
Then there's Obamaland, complete with little houses and foreclosure signs as far as the eye can see. At the corner of Class Envy Street and Income Redistribution Avenue, a nightly civil disturbance brings another day to a close.
Finally, you are treated to the nightly fireworks display, as a bank owner's (Scrooge McDuck) house is firebombed.
You can see all this in Occupyland, the unhappiest place on Earth.
Demonstrating against the corporatism of the parade, they built a 70-foot octopus float. Watch out Disneyland, you're probably next. I can just see it now.
Seven S.E.I.U. Dwarfs (singing 'heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to occupy we go') will beat the visitors, and man the ticket booths.
Gone will be the folksy Country Bear Jamboree. It will be replaced by the audio-animatronic drum circle.
Fantasyland will be replaced by Sad Realityland, complete with angry college students with no marketable skills. Replacing the happy voices singing "It's A Small World", you will hear a series of anti-Wall Street and anti-Semitic chants. Nearby, bankers are forced to walk the plank at the 'Pirates of Wall Street' exhibit.
In Diseaseland, you are sure to contact at least one of the many diseases that we had eradicated.
You will be greeted warmly by a guy in a large rodent costume. Just be careful. He's not an employee. If you're a female, scream loudly.
Then there's Obamaland, complete with little houses and foreclosure signs as far as the eye can see. At the corner of Class Envy Street and Income Redistribution Avenue, a nightly civil disturbance brings another day to a close.
Finally, you are treated to the nightly fireworks display, as a bank owner's (Scrooge McDuck) house is firebombed.
You can see all this in Occupyland, the unhappiest place on Earth.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Voters Of The Corn
This is Andrea Mitchell, NBC NEWS, reporting from somewhere in Iowa.
Iowa is TOO WHITE, TOO EVANGELICAL, yet, for some reason, they too are allowed to take part in our electoral process.
Tonight, hayseed hicks in overalls will attend their local yokel caucus, and choose from among seven, white Republican Presidential candidates to face Our Glorious Leader in November.
Did I already point out that Iowa is too white? There was one black candidate, but he was successfully smeared by President Obama's allies in the mainstream news media. That'll learn 'im!
As for myself, and my effete, metrosexual colleagues from the networks.....Please! Get us out of this horrible place! As my colleague, Howard Fineman said, 'I feel like I've stepped right into a Steven King horror story!' As we pass by the seemingly endless rows of empty cornfields, I am left wondering why the caucus season counldn't begin in a place that more reflects the REAL America, like Chicago's Cabrini-Green Housing Projects, or San Francisco's always festive Castro Neighborhood?
Tonight, Iowa voters will choose one following GOP Candidates:
Former Massachussetts Governor Mitt Romney (cough: Mormon)
Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, who hates gays
Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who hates welfare recepiants
Texas Governor Rick Perry, who hates debating
Minnesota Representative Michele Bachman, who hates gays and Muslims
and Texas Representative Ron Paul, who hates our wonderful Federal Reserve system
....oh, and Former Utah Governor John Huntsman (cough: also a Mormon)
Just now, A farmer just told me that I would make a great scarecrow. Please, get me out of here....
This is Andrea Mitchell, NBC NEWS....
Iowa is TOO WHITE, TOO EVANGELICAL, yet, for some reason, they too are allowed to take part in our electoral process.
Tonight, hayseed hicks in overalls will attend their local yokel caucus, and choose from among seven, white Republican Presidential candidates to face Our Glorious Leader in November.
Did I already point out that Iowa is too white? There was one black candidate, but he was successfully smeared by President Obama's allies in the mainstream news media. That'll learn 'im!
As for myself, and my effete, metrosexual colleagues from the networks.....Please! Get us out of this horrible place! As my colleague, Howard Fineman said, 'I feel like I've stepped right into a Steven King horror story!' As we pass by the seemingly endless rows of empty cornfields, I am left wondering why the caucus season counldn't begin in a place that more reflects the REAL America, like Chicago's Cabrini-Green Housing Projects, or San Francisco's always festive Castro Neighborhood?
Tonight, Iowa voters will choose one following GOP Candidates:
Former Massachussetts Governor Mitt Romney (cough: Mormon)
Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, who hates gays
Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who hates welfare recepiants
Texas Governor Rick Perry, who hates debating
Minnesota Representative Michele Bachman, who hates gays and Muslims
and Texas Representative Ron Paul, who hates our wonderful Federal Reserve system
....oh, and Former Utah Governor John Huntsman (cough: also a Mormon)
Just now, A farmer just told me that I would make a great scarecrow. Please, get me out of here....
This is Andrea Mitchell, NBC NEWS....
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