The Miracle On Ice: 40 Years Later ( As Remembered By Bernie Sanders)

On February 22, 1980, a team of underdog American Olympians shocked the world by defeating the World Champion hockey team from the Soviet Union. This week marks the 40 year anniversary of The Miracle on Ice, and there have been many celebrations and remembrances on TV.

Then, there are those supporters of the Russians and communism itself who were shocked and appalled when their team lost. Today, we hear from a die-in-the-wool supporter of this tired, old ideology. Incredibly, he is the Democrat front-runner candidate for U.S. President, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders:

Yes, it was a terrible shock to learn that the fantastic Soviets lost to those dirty capitalists from The United States of America. It was a travesty that probably led to the tearing down of the Berlin Wall, and life as we knew it.

I have always favored the Communists, even taking my wife on our Moscow honeymoon in 1988 back when I was Mayor of Burlington Vermont. 

So what if Communists sent thousands of Refuseniks to gulags, executed others for minor offenses, and made private property illegal? Fidel Castro's Cuba enjoyed a terrific literacy rate!!! 

Also, Castro made Cuba's healthcare system the envy of THE WORLD! This incredible leader knew that HEALTHCARE IS A RIGHT!!! We need to take it from the filthy rich an' give it all to the poor!!!!

It wasn't 'The Miracle on Ice', It was more like 'The Travesty on Ice!!!!' If I could, I'd tax those capitalist Americans of at least 2 of their goals!!! Those American hockey players could afford to go to college, which isn't fair!!!! They were probably rich kids!!! What about all our children who can't afford tuition!!! If you ask me, rich college hockey players should pay their fair share!!!!!!

That evil capitalist coach Herb Brooks walked into the locker room during intermission and told his players, 'This (game) is yours. TAKE IT!!!' To that bastard I say, 'No, EVERYTHING IS OURS, WE'LL TAKE IT!!!! WE'LL TAKE EVERYTHING YOU HAVE!!!!!'' 

Just thinking about this game makes me so mad I could just pull Donald Trump's jersey over his head and start punching, but I don't want to be put in the penalty box.

After I win the presidency, we will take Trump voters and put them in re-education camps, and make them pay for it! Feel the bern!!!!

Thanks, Bernie. Now go away.  

If I Was The XFL Commissioner

Sports Entertainment promoter Vince McMahon has resurrected his XFL football league. I was thinking if I was the commissioner, here are some ways I would make this league just as fun as Mr. McMahon's WWE:

I would name the teams after classic wrestlers. Some team nicknames would include The Baltimore Undertakers, The Miami Hulkamaniacs, The Minnesota Ax's (named after Larry 'The Ax' Hennig), and The Los Angeles Earthquakes. Can you even imagine a team with The Undertaker's frightening face as it's helmet decal?

Spearing and late hits would not only be legal, it would be encouraged. Leg drops, chair shots, and elbow smashes would also be legal.

There would be ropes, posts, and turnbuckles  running along the sidelines. The defense will be awarded 1 point if the offensive player who has been thrown out of bounds fails to return to the field by count of 10.

If a player begins dancing, the opposing team can break his legs.

The announcer's table would be down on the field, not in a booth high above the action.

The coaches can interfere, but must leave the field before the ref can count to 10. Foreign objects are not legal, but the refs are usually clueless and easily distracted.

That's just a start. I'll probably have more later.

The Roger Stone Prison Blues

Well, it is 5 in the morning
FBI thugs knocking down my door
CNN was there with cameras
You'd have to wonder what's this all for?

Now I'm stuck in federal prison
They want to lock me up until I die
When I think what's happened to my country
I hang my head and cry

I was charged with lying to Congress
That's a process crime
I might have tampered with a witness
The Trump-haters want to give me overtime

If I had raped your Mom or robbed a bank
I'd get 5 to 8 if I was well-behaved
but I'm a Trump supporter
They want me in jail until I'm in my grave

I see Bill and Hillary
and other corrupt Democrat clowns
What a total double standard
They're stealing everything that isn't nailed down

I'm just a 78-year-old gadfly 
and I'm a danger to no one
They're putting me in a federal pen
where I'll never see the sun

The Also-Rans: Give Each Democrat Presidential Candidate A Participation Trophy

Here at the RSR, I am toying with the idea of beginning a new series of reports centering on the Democrat candidates running for president.

The current president looks like he will win re-election in a landslide, and the economy is doing great. The Democrat candidates are mostly insane socialists and lying frauds, and most mainstream Democrats aren't really energized.

I think that I will call my series of reports 'The Also-Rans.'

At last week's Iowa Caucus, Amy Kloubachar proudly told her supporters that she finished within 1000 votes of beating former Vice President Joseph Biden. 

Hey Amy, Joe Biden came in 4th place.

Insane Vermont Socialist Bernie Sanders probably won the Iowa Caucus if you based it on who got the most number of votes, but The Democrat Establishment does not want him to be their candidate in November.

America is not a Socialist country, and most people with their head screwed on straight believe he will not only lose in a landslide, but he will drag the Democrat party down in down-ticket congressional races.

Actually, screwing Bolshevik Bernie over is probably the best thing that the ultra corrupt Democrats have done for the American people.in the last 25 years. If Bernie became president, people who work for a living would be rounded up and put in re-education camps.

Elizabeth Warren is a fraudulent hag. She promises everything and never mentions that the price tag for her promises will literally cost more than all the money that exists in the world.

Joe Biden has been in Washington for about 40 years, yet this corrupt weirdo yaps about all the ways that Washington has failed America.

Peter Buttigeig is the openly gay mayor of South Bend, Indiana, and he MAY HAVE won the Iowa Caucus. Knowing how Democrats always play identity politics, we can see him losing the general election so that The Democrats can try to shame the homophobic, bigoted American people for not electing the first openly gay president.

Also-rans Kamala Harris and Corey Booker were Black candidates who dropped out of the race and blamed America for not supporting them. Perhaps they SHOULD blame he Democrat Party for not supporting them like they did for 2-term ultra-corrupt, race-baiting Black president Barack Hussein Obama.

America is a terrible, bigoted place because Black Communists don't win every time!

Next week on The Also-Rans,.....

The New Hampshire Primary is in full swing, and The Democrats SCREW UP THE VOTE COUNTS again! Oh heck, let's just give ALL the candidates a participation trophy!

Joe The Cartoonist's Superbowl Report

Eight days ago, The Kansas City Chiefs scored 21 unanswered points in the 4th quarter, and defeated The San Francisco 49er's 31-20 in Superbowl LIV,

Here to file his Superbowl report is Joe the Cartoonist:

Hello Sportsball fans,

First of all, I really dislike The NFL. As a bitter Vikings supporter (I don't even call myself a 'fan'), I hate all teams other than The Vikings. After my team is eliminated, I just don't care who wins. 

In fact, I usually hope that both teams lose the Superbowl and that all the players break their legs.

I try to do anything (ANYTHING!!!) each week other than watch The Vikings. I Go to the library, work, anything other than watch this team that has disappointed me for over 45 years. After I've come home, I watch the news to see if The Vikes have lost or played badly. I am usually happy and pleased that I didn't waste my time watching the game.

I am annoyed with all the ridiculous dancing after every play. The end-zone Deney Terrio Dance Party after each touchdown is obnoxious.

Act like you've been there before, you big, dumb jocks.

As for the Superbowl, I had to work, but there were TVs in the employee break room. I saw a rapper doing some sort of pregame rap, and I would've given him a 20 dollar bill if he would stop.

I walked into the employee break room during the opening coin toss, and thought 'This game isn't over yet?'

I saw about 20 seconds of the Halftime extravaganza. Apparently The NFL doesn't know that kids watch football too.

I missed almost all of the game. The Vikes weren't playing, so I didn't care who won. I disliked The 49er's more because they eliminated my team, and I think that Richard Sherman is loudmouth jackass. Chief QB Patrick Mahomes seems likeble, so I guess I would rather see KC win 'the big game'.

I missed the 4th quarter comeback, but I saw the highlights later on the news. It must have been a really good Superbowl even if you didn't care who won.  

HEADLINE: LOVABLE HARMLESS FUZZBALL AWARDED PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF FREEDOM

State Of The Union Preview

 Mr. Vice President, Madame Speaker, and Members of Congress.....

I am pleased to say that the State of The Union is STRONG!!!! (Republicans cheer and Democrats 'boo' angrily)....

America has made a great comeback. We are making trade deals that are fair to American workers, and I am happy to announce that unemployment is at an all-time, record low!(Normal, happy Republican members of Congress cheer the news, while the Democrats sit on their hands and scowl angrily.)

Right now, we are bringing some of our brave soldiers home, and America is at peace with the rest of the world. (Many Republicans applaud, while anti-military Democrat Trump-haters hold their nose.)

This week, my administration will introduce a new proposal dealing with the sky-rocketing cost of prescription drugs. Every member of Congress will receive a copy of my plan, and I hope that this year we can lower costs for all Americans. (Republicans cheer their leader, while Democrats laugh derisively,)

The American people are watching us, and it's my hope that their government will work on the people's business, and not waste everyone's time on more impeachments, although impeachment has been great for my poll numbers (Happy Republicans laugh, while Democrats sneer angrily).

I am running for re-election. This summer, the other party will pick my opponent. I hope that they can behave like adults.(He turns and winks at Speaker Pelosi).

The Republicans laugh and cheer, while Nancy Pelosi chews on her dentures.

Then, President Trump mentions honored guests seated with First Lady Melania Trump. He will probably invite victims of illegal alien gang violence and perhaps a former convict given a second chance.

America is a nation of immigrants wanting to better their lives, but America is also a nation of common-sense laws dealing with immigration. America is a lands of freedom, where the people control their own borders, so I propose that the government delivers protection to the people. My administration is delivering on our promise to control our borders, but the job isn't done. 

I am asking Congress to fully fund this. (The Republicans applaud, while the Democrats sit on their hands.)

Yes, the State of the Union is STRONG, but we have work to do. If the Democrats will join us, we can accomplish more great things. Thank you, and may God Bless America. 

(The Republicans cheer wildly, while the Democrats 'boo' angrily. MN. Representative Ilhan Omar's head spins.)

This Just In: Last Night's Iowa Democrat Caucus Results

Bernie Sanders (27.7%)

Elizabeth Warren (25,9%)

Pete Buttegieg (20.4%)

Amy Kloubuchar (20.1%)

Joseph Biden (19.4%)

Michael Bloomberg (10.6%)

Steven Yang (9,1%%)

Tulsi Gabbard) (8.7%)

All other candidates(38.7%)

Lifestyles Of The Corrupt And Self-Serving (With The Bidens)

Hello, self-serving wishes and corruptocrat dreams!

This is Robin Leach, reporting from the corrupt capital of Washington DC, where filthy-rich, uber-corrupt Democrats investigate President Trump, the only elected official in this town who has gotten POORER SINCE BEING ELECTED!

This week, we have more impeachment proceedings in the Senate Building, and President Trump's dream team of lawyers and legal scholars are cleaning Team Schiff's clocks. Adam Schiff's gang of gas-lighting House Managers can't even manage to tell the truth!

They have charged the president with 'abuse of power' and 'obstructing Congress'. President Trump considered not releasing funds to the corrupt Ukrainian government, and in the Democrats world, this constitutes 'abuse of power!'

(Impersonating a sniveling Democrat): Someone needs to tell this interloper that this world is ran by corrupt oligarchs and slimy government officials, and we don't need anyone to 'drain the swamp!'

The Democrats charge that the president threatened to withhold aid to the previous Ukrainian government. A few years back, Former Vice-President and current Democrat presidential candidate Joe Biden bragged about telling the Ukrainians to fire the investigator investigating his playboy son Hunter or his boss Barack Obama will withhold Ukrainian aid!

Biden's son Hunter was put on the corporate board of  Ukrainian natural gas company Burisma, and he was paid over $80,000 each month, even though he was completely unqualified. Biden's opponents charge Hunter Biden was put on the board because his Dad Joe was Barack Obama's Vice-President.

To the House Democrats, fighting corruption and draining the swamp constitutes 'abuse of power', while influence peddling is just 'the way things are done.'

President Trump is upsetting their corruption apple cart. No wonder The Democrats want him impeached and removed from office!

Well, that's it for this week's show. Next week we visit Speaker Nancy Pelosi! Toodeloo from Washington DC!