The RedSquirrel Report Looks Forward To 2012

As 2011 draws to a end, we look forward to the new year. Your bushy-tailed reporter is really going out on the limb with some bold predictions for the year 2012. For instance:

We predict that if Barack Obama wins re-election, he will declare himself President-For-Life, then declare that he will go on a golf vacation.

After nine more months of character assassination, smears, and patented Axelrod dirty tricks against ALL of the GOP Presidential candidates, a new Republican candidate appears from out of nowhere......Alan Keyes.

Disgraced New York Representative Anthony Wiener will debut a reality TV show on MTV.

Expect even more anti-Semetic nuttery in 2012............................

North Korea and Iran will be even more unstable and dangerous, and the threat of that electromagnetic pulse bomb will make 2012 even scarier. But on the bright side, Kim Kardashian will marry another sports star.  My money is on wide receiver Chad Ochocinco.

Former Penn State Assistant Coach Jerry Sandusky will very, very happily accept a position as Obama's new 'Afterschool Physical-Education Czar'.

On December 21, 2012, the current calender will end. President Obama will present a new calender, and re-name the months Obamary, Obamruary, Obarch, Obril, Obay, Obune, Obuly, Obgust, Obember, Obctober, Obvember, and Obcember. Then, a big meteor will hit Earth.

Happy New Year, everybody!

I Am J. RedSquirrel, Uniquely Qualified

(insert 'Morning In America"-styled music here)

Hi. I am RedSquirrel, and I am uniquely qualified to be The MOB's next Mayor....

RedSquirrel led the fight against Obama's ATTACK WATCH. COM, mocking the regime's ridiculous website.

http://theredsquirrelreport.blogspot.com/ has blown the lid off several scandals in 2011....

RedSquirrel is a 3-time caller into The Northern Alliance Radio Show, and still hasn't been banned from the program. He's made hosts Mitch Berg and Ed Morrissey LAUGH:

AUDIO CLIP:
(Mitch Berg: "Up next is Joe from South Minneapolis. You're on the Northern Alliance Radio Network. What say you?"
Joe a.k.a. RedSquirrel: "Does the name JACK RYAN ring a bell?"
Mitch and Ed laugh....)

It was RedSquirrel who exposed Minnesota Governor Mark 'Crazy Eyes'  Dayton's attempt to hold the state hostage during the state shutdown in 2011. Here is the intercepted letter the Governor sent to the State Republican leadership:

RedSquirrel. Uniquely qualified.

As Obama Goes On Vacation, The Nation Breathes A Sigh Of Relief

This week, the Messiah's new job approval numbers indicate that 47% of the American people approve of the job he's doing.

But President Obama has been on vacation in Hawaii.

If he works, he wrecks the country and it's economy. If he goes on vacation, the nation breathes a sigh of relief. The new numbers indicate that the best thing he can do for this country is stay on vacation.

In November 2012, we have an opportunity to send The Messiah on a permanent vacation.

Open Letter To Speaker John Boehner

Dear Mr. Speaker,

My name is J. Redsquirrel. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

I am writing to you in regards to an issue important to many bloggers across this country. In September, I turned myself into President Obama's ridiculous snitch site, also known as Attack Watch. I gave them my blog's URL and my e-mail address.

Subsequently, I have gotten many, many e-mails from the Obama For America 2012 campaign. Most of these annoying e-mails are requests for campaign donations. Yesterday, I received one from Reggie Love.

I have used these e-mails as fodder for my blog, ridiculing and mocking the Obama Regime and campaign, but I am growing weary of this, and would like this insanity stopped.

 Congress passed legislation regarding unwanted phone solitication, otherwise known as 'the no-call list'.

I propose a law that would make it illegal for President Obama (or any of his campaign staff) to harass conservative bloggers like myself, with nonstop campaign contribution requests  (via e-mail), or at the very least, make them send these requests where it probably belongs, in the spam box.. I want this pestilence to end.

I propose that we name it  The No-Obama-Email-For-Campaign-Contribution List, HR. 57.

Again, Thank you.
J. RedSquirrel

The Keystone XL Oil Pipeline: Is This A Good Thing?

Your bushy-tailed correspondent has been reading up on this project. From what a have learned, this pipeline will start in Alberta and end in Texas, and will relieve some of our dependence on Middle East oil.

It has been rumoured that some of these countries in the Middle East may be hostile to America. There also appears to be some conflict in this region. From what I understand, America and Canada share a border, and have not yet gone to war against each other, except in the movies. ('Canadian Bacon').

This project will create thousands of construction jobs, as well as many more jobs associated with the operation of this pipeline. But, on the other hand, these would be private-sector jobs, and our President apparently disapproves of the private sector.

Also, this project will create tens of thousands of new tax-paying Americans, and that's not good for the Democrats. They depend on the dependent to stay in power.

Also, it is very important that President Obama drags his feet on this project in order to receive badly-needed campaign cash from both the environmental lobby and 'big oil'. The Messiah is running for re-election, and needs money from both groups.

This is a very complex issue. America needs to create jobs, but should it come at the expense of our good friends in Iran and Pakistan?

I need to read more....

The 2011 Golden Loony Award Goes To....

Let's keep the year-end honors rolling, with The RedSquirrel Report's 2011 Loon Of The Year Award.

With the end of the NARN's First Team John Hinderacker and Brian 'St. Paul' Ward's radio show in January 2011, and with it, their Loon Of The Week Award, I decided to carry on this fine tradition.

Throughout 2011, our resident lefty lib Longfellow Loon bestowed the 'Loon Of The Week Award' to a deserving lefty, for his or her wacky, leftist quotes.

So here he is, to hand out The Golden Loon Of The Year Award, is our very own....Longfellow Loon.(applause)

"LOOOLOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOO!!!!
Thanks, Squirley. The 2011 Loony Award nominees are:

Vice President Joe Biden, who said that we need to raise taxes, or murder and rape will skyrocket in Flint, Michigan.

Former Advisor to Jimmy Carter Zbignew Brzezinski, who suggested that there should be a public list of rich capitalists who resists heavier taxation.

But the winner is....LOOOLOOOLOOLOOOLOOOLOO!!!! The Occupy Wall Street Protesters!!!!! They are a double-winner this year, having also won Time Magazine's Person of the Year Award....LOOOLOOLOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOLOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Accepting the award is none other than Creepy Mask Guy.

"Thank you, thanks......thanks......I would like to thank the Editorial Board of The RedSquirrel Report for this golden Loony, but I cannot accept this alone. I share this with all of the others who carried the signs trashing the filthy Jewish bankers. A special shout-out to my associate Gavin, who brought much-needed publicity to our cause by crapping on that cop car. Thanks, man.

A special thanks to S.E.I.U. for setting up those tents. It gave some of our rapists some privacy.

Finally, a special shout out to the big guy, George Soros. Thank you."

Thanks for watching, If America is still here in December 2012, we'll do this again. See ya'.

A Nation Mourns For Kim Jong Il (1942-2011)

Last week, potbellied dictator Kim Jong Il died. The long-time ruler of The People's Republic of North Korea assumed room temperature on a train.

The news anchor at our North Korean bureau told us the sad news on Monday. She was accompanied by a government representative:

"Our god-like leader has been taken from us (cry! cry more! or we'll shoot you!),  from working so hard. So, he will be greatly missed. (loudly blow your nose) From the hundreds of thousands of tortured political prisoners to the millions that are being starved......by the evil, rich capitalists outside our hermetically sealed society....

Our wondrous leader (now start blubbering uncontrollably), was a fantastic golfer, with supernatural abilities. He shot a round of 39, with 11 holes in one....We must remember the good times, and the imported lobster and cognac he and his bureaucrats enjoyed while millions of North Koreans starved....

He loved movies so much that he would have movie directors kidnapped, and brought to our communist paradise.

He was also quite a little rascal, building up our nuclear weapon program right under the nose of doddering old Uncle Sam! (now, laugh and cry simultaneously).

And so, in his memory, the  enslaved people of North Korea must labor even HARDER! (now, break down, crying and thrashing about. good. We will let you live for another day, lady news anchor).

end transcript.

Obama's Modesty Pose

In a recent '60 Minutes' interview with Steve Croft, our Messiah suggested that he was one of the greatest American Presidents ever, and that his accomplishments are rivalled only by Presidents' Lyndon Baines Johnson, Abraham Lincoln, and Franklyn Delano Roosevelt.

 It's too bad that '60 Minutes' edited out that claim. I wish that everyone could have had the opportunity to hear The Messiah's proclamation.

One can barely imagine how hard it must've been for The President to lower himself in such a way, to actually compare himself with three mere mortals. After all, this god-like being has boasted that he could lower the sea levels. This intellectual giant is worshipped in government schools across the country ('Barack Hussein Obama, mmm mmm mmm").

I wonder if this malignant narcissist has ever shot a 39, just as wacky, newly dead North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il has often boasted?

With all the time he spends at the golf course, I wouldn't be surprised if he believes he has.

In Other Words, I'm The Outsider

Over at The Kool Aid Report Blog,  LearnedFoot, Minnesota Organization of Bloggers' Secretary of State-for-life,  has officially set the field of 6 nominees for the crucial position of Mayor of The MOB.

Yours truly has made it to the final 6. In KAR's 'meet the candidates' post, Secretary Foot has indicated that I am the outsider/dark horse of this race. Actually, he said this:

Nominee #6 red squirrel: "I have absolutely no idea who this guy is".

I've sized up the competition, and it looks like my only shot at this is to build a well-armed military junta, and overthrow this process. I'll have more later.

Turn On The Red Siren, Mr. Drudge, I Have An Announcement

My name is J. RedSquirrel, and today, I officially announce my train wreck....I mean....nomination for the all-important office of Mayor of the MOB (Minnesota Organization of Bloggers). Today (insert god-like reverb), I jump into the snark-infested waters of bloggitorial politics.

These are critical times for The MOB, and for the world we live in.

We need a leader who will bring greatness to this great organization. Unfortunately, I am not that leader. I am more interested in using this election as a tool for shameless self-promotion. But then, everybody already knows that. In fact, I am absolutely positive that I have no leadership qualities whatsoever.

Just my mere presence in this race should be an affront to all of the REAL bloggers out there.

I am J. RedSquirrel, and I approve of this message. If you wish to make a tax-deductible contribution to my campaign, just put some cash in an envelope, and hand it to me. Thank you.

Happy Holikwanzahannamas From The Obamas

It's President-For-Life, Barack Hussein Obama,

Tonight I speak to you from the White House, as me and First Lady Michelle are decorating the holiday tree with shiny lights and little straw men, and speaking of straw men, I would like to take this time to discuss those mean grinches who won't pass my tax increase on anybody making over $1,000,000.

My economic advisor, Tiny Tim Geithner and John 'Uncle Billy' Corzine are testifying before Senate Minority Leader Mitch 'Mean Old Man Potter' McConnell, while the sugarplum fair.......I mean, Massachusetts Representative Barney Frank dances out his last term in office.

(Correction: Tim Geithner is still Secretary of the Treasury. I thought that when America found out that he was a tax cheat, that he did the right thing and resigned. I was wrrrrooo......I was wroaaaa.....dammit, I was wrong.)

This is the season where we all wish for peace on Earth and goodwill to men, that is, as long as they don't work in the private sector. Look out, Gibson Guitars and Boeing!

If I didn't bankrupt the coal industry, then there would be some left over to put in the stockings of  those troublemakers Rush Limbaugh, Shawn Hannity, and Glenn Beck.

It is always better to give than to receive. Just ask the Iranian Mullahs. I gave them that predator drone, and I really hope that they don't try to return it.

Let's pray for the souls of those mean old fat-cat corporate executives, as they ride around in their corporate jets this holiday season. Meanwhile, the Republicans on Capitol Hill want children to fend for themselves. Where's their humanity?

A special greeting goes to the Occupy Wall Street protesters. I only hope that the police don't turn on any fire hoses on them. In this weather, they may be turned into human pop sickles.

Here in the White House, the seasonal activity is fast and furious.....uh....take that off the teleprompter....I mean, our elves in purple shirts are working hard. We are shipping 40,000,000 unsold Solyndra solar panels  to the poor and needy.

In other words, we're buying their votes.

This is President-For-Life, President Barack Hussein Obama, wishing the bottom 52% wageearnerswho paynoFederalIncomeTax, a Happy Hollikwanzahannamas. Thank you.

Minimally Qualified To Be Mayor Of The MOB

(Insert patriotic music here):

My name is J. RedSquirrel, and I am forming an exploratory committee.

In the coming days, I may nominate myself for the important office of Mayor of The Minnesota Organization of Bloggers. The MOB is faced with many challenges, and I believe that I am the best rodent for the job.

My positions on the issues:

I promise snark in every post and a comment in every........comment section.

I promise to hold the line on public decency. I will not allow male members of the MOB  to share shirtless profile pics on our facebook page. That's just gross.

I promise to not be a royal douchebag.

I promise to protect our community, by sounding the MOB Emergency Alarm System if The NARN's Mitch Berg and Ed Morrissey ever again try to sing any Tom Petty or Warren Zevon songs (or parodies) on the air (again). That was just scary.

In the coming days, I will share my qualifications for this office, such as:

My blog blew the lid off of the Minnesota State shutdown story of 2011. It was our expose' that proved that Governor Mark 'Crazy Eyes' Dayton did indeed take the entire state hostage. Below is the letter that Gov. Dayton sent to Senate Leader Amy Koch:

I am J. RedSquirrel, and I think that I approve of this message....

I Am RedSquirrel, And I Think That I Approve This Message

Over at The Kool Aid Report blog, MOB Secretary Of State For Life Learned Foot is holding an election for Mayor of The MOB (The Minnesota Organization of Blogs). Go to the Kool Aide Report for instructions and details, if you're interested in nominating your favorite (or least favorite) blogger.

Today (12/15/2011), your bushy-tailed correspondent announces that he is forming an exploratory committee, and may be seeking this important office.

In the coming days, I will be releasing my position papers. I believe that I am minimally qualified to be your Overlord.....I mean, Mayor.

Thank you.
J. RedSquirrel.

Disclaimer: If I am nominated, I am only in it for the page views.

Congratulations To Time Magazine's 2011 Douchebag(s) Of The Year

....and this year's award goes to.....the protester.(insert cowbell sound here).

Yes, those nice kids who toppled Middle Eastern dictators Hosni Mubarak and Moammar Qaddafi from power. With the assistance of 'Creepy Hungarian Dude' George Soros and Z-Big Brzezinski, those nice kids in Dungarees will probably install Sharia law throughout the Middle East soon. Yee-Haw!

And sharing the top honor, the OTHER collection of rapists, anti-Semites, losers, and cry-babies we call 'the Occupy Wall Street protesters'.

In the wonderful tradition of such moral luminaries as Adolph Hitler, Uncle Joe Stalin, and Benito Mussolini, Time Magazine has given this 'Man Of The Year' Award to that person or sometimes group of people who had the greatest impact on the world's stage that year.

But there again, ANYONE can win this distinction. Remember, a few years back, we all won. That was the year that Time Magazine made the greatest cop-out in publishing history when they gave the 2006 honors to 'You'. Sheesh....

I wonder what the acceptance speech would be like. An Egyptian takes to the mic, and yells something in Egyptian or Arab or Farsi, or whatever. Then we hear from the translator. It would go something like this:

"I would like to thank the moral relativist jack-a$$es at Time Magazine for this award. I would also like to thank reporter Lara Logan for the fun times last year. My, we had fun with her. Also, props goes to George Soros. The Arab Spring wouldn't have gotten off the ground without him."

One of his co-horts grabs the microphone, and yells: "DEATH TO THE WEST!"

Then, an OWS protester grabs the microphone....

"Yeah, thanks for this award. Never did I think that when I was defecating on that police car that I would be standing here today. At the OWS protests, I contacted at least three diseases that America HAD previously eradicated, but I GOT ON TV, and that's what really matters. I would also like to thank George Soros.

I can only hope that soon we can eradicate capitalism from the face of our planet. Thank you."

Rapper Jay-Z Cashes In On OWS

That Jay-ZZZZZZ is simply amazing. He has the 'bling'. He has the wife (singer Beyonce). He rides in his gold-platted helicopter from concert to concert, and oversees his varied corporate interests.

Who has time to create actual music?

And for $35, you too can be the proud owner of his new line of  'I Attended The Occupy Wall Street Protests, An' All I Got Was This Overpriced T-Shirt'.

Our correspondent spoke to the rapper-entrepreneur about his new line of  t-shirts:

"Yo,  jus' because you ain't down wit' capitalism, don' means you can't buy my t's. Even if  you might've been raped or maced or sumptin' at the OWS protest, you can still remember the good times wit' this t-shirt.

I mean, SOMEBODIES gotta cash in, why not me? These t-shirts were made in Honduras. Dang, those kids do good work, don' they?"

Open Letter To Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa

Dear Mr. Mayor:

My name is J. RedSquirrel. I am a blogger based in the Twin Cities area.

As you already know, Mr. Zygi Wilf, the owner of the Minnesota Vikings, is threatening to move the 2-11 team to Los Angeles. Mr. Wilf  wants a brand-spanking new stadium, and is currently blackmailing the taxpayers of Minnesota, who are actually looking for a way to keep this horrendous team.

I'll bet that you watched the highlights of the mighty Vikings' 7-45 humiliation at the hands of The Evil Green Bay Packers, and thought to yourself, 'Wow, what would I give to bring that team of inept losers to MY CITY?'

A Viking player stands as good a chance of being indicted for domestic abuse as playing in the 2012 All-Pro Game in Honolulu. Our defensive backfield often play as if they have their helmets on backwards.

Our starting Quarterback, Donavon McNabb, played the quarterback postion like a drunk, regularly throwing the ball as if he was 'deliberately trying to miss our recievers'. Mercifully, he was benched, and then released by the team.

Not bad for a $7.25 million investment.

I am sure that you, and the two groups currently vying to bring The Los Angeles Vikings to Southern California, are salivating over this possible acquisition.

As for me, I am looking to you for help. How much money will it take to take this god-awful team off our hands?

If you want this team, please contact me at http://theredsquirrelreport.blogspot.com/, and I'll help in any way I can.

Thank you,

J. RedSquirrel

A Date That Will Live In Infamy

Yesterday marked the 70th anniversary of the Japanese attack of Pearl Harbor. On Tuesday, Our little dictator attacked America in a speech delivered in Osawatome, Kansas.

During the speech, the demagogue-in-chief kept yammered on the progressive tendencies of the trust-buster Republican President Theodore Roosevelt. Rush Limbaugh called the speech 'sickening', and Glenn Beck asked his radio cohorts to 'Please shoot me with an elephant tranquilizer'. Obama told the crowd of lemmings that the free-market system has never worked.

The speech was really THAT bad. We tried to run a transcript of the speech through our Truthteller 3000, but the speech broke our machine.

Your bushy-tailed reporter was thinking that since the current occupant of The White House liked lying so much, and using the words of a progressive Republican (even a Republican can be a progressive) President, I thought that it would be alright to return the favor by re-writing Franklin Delano Roosevelt's 'Date Of Infamy' speech:

"December.....the sixth.................two-thousand......and eleven..........a date that will forever live in infamy.....................when the marxist President...Barack....Hussein.....Obama.........did viciously and deliberately attack the free market system......of the United States Of America......

The ethically challenged....corrupt.....and dishonest President.....has wrecked the economy....over-whelming America with his destructive Cloward and Piven strategy, making America a nation of food stamp recipients .....killing our domestic energy industries......heaping bribes upon his cronies.....and  fanning the flames of hatred against the most productive members of our society....

We, the American people.....will defend ourselves against this onslaught.....The current occupant of the White House has declared war on the American people.....

On November....the sixth....two-thousand....and twelve.....the American people will deliver a crushing blow to this enemy of America.......Thank you........

Cain Suspends Candidacy, While Obama Suspends Constitution

On Saturday, Presidential hopeful Herman Cain suspended his candidacy amid accusations of impropriety involving women other than his wife. Meanwhile, Barack Obama appears to be unscathed by multiple scandals involving illegal gun-running, an unprecedented level of corruption (Solyndra), and a total disregard for the rule of law. While Cain suspends his candidacy, Obama is suspending The Constitution.

While the Republican candidates tear into each other's imperfections, Obama wrecks the country.

While we yap about Mitt Romney and his flip-flops, Obama fans the flames of racial strife and gives his blessing to the anti-Semitic, violent 'Occupy Wall Street' demonstrations. At least he's consistent....

While the mainstream (and many in the 'conservative media) blather on Newt Gingrich's skeletons in his closet, most mavens in the 'news media' ignore Obama's radical friends, William Ayers, Bernadene Dorn, and the psychotic Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

While our candidates appear at debates moderated by leftists, Obama appears only before fainting, fawning audiences.

What the Republican Party needs is an attitude adjustment. Instead of the constant bickering,  we need to give the dirty Dems a taste of their own medicine.

Before most Americans ever heard of Saul Alinsky, there was a Republican strategist who kicked  the snot out of the Dems named Lee Atwater. In 1988, he made Democrat Presidential candidate Michael Dukakis into a national punchline.

We need to re-learn some things, people.

Any one of the GOP candidates is superior to the current occupant in the White House.

RedSquirrel's Hollywood Minute

This week, your bushy-tailed correspondent will appear on 'Dateline NBC". Reporter/Host Keith Morrison is doing a segment on your bushy-tailed correspondent. I have written a new, unauthorized biography of former child actor Maureen McCormick, known to America as Marsha Brady.

In my new book "Oh My Nose!-The REAL Hollywood Story Of Marsha Marsha Marsha", author J. RedSquirrel tells the REAL story behind the famous 'Oh, My Nose!' episode, where Peter throws the football, and breaks Marsha Brady's nose. Here is a partial transcript from the upcoming 'Dateline NBC':

(KM): "The real truth is,  actress Maureen McCormick was deeply involved in drugs. In the 70's, many young actors snorted cocaine. McCormick had a particularly bad habit, one that culminated in the tearing of her nasal passage."

(MM):"Oh my nose!"

(KM): "....and to cover this terrible secret, Sherwood Schwartz, creator and writer of "The Brady Bunch", wrote the infamous 'football episode', so that the cast and crew could work around young Maureen McCormick's condition.
 
(MM): "Oh my nose!"

(KM): "We spoke to the author of this block-buster book. He disclosed that Schwartz had a contract with the cast, and that even the destroyed nose could not stop the shooting schedule".

(J.Redsquirrel): "Sherwood Schwartz was an evil taskmaster. Instead of getting the young actress the help she needed, he wrote the episode in question to fulfill contractral obligations with the network. They wanted 22 episodes, and by hell or high water, he was going to write  (and shoot) 22 episodes."

(MM): "Oh My Nose!!"

 End of transcript.

This just in. I have just received word that NBC has scrapped the segment.

Dear (Current) Occupant (Of The White House)

Dear (Current) Occupant ( the White House),

Last week, America learned of your re-election strategy includes the writing off of the white working class. Wow. Just.....wow.  How is even possible that a U.S. President can even get away with admitting this in public?

Instead, your re-election campaign will concentrate on support from college academics, artistes, actors, unionistas, and of course, the black and Hispanic 'underclass'.  By publicly disclosing that your 2012 campaign will not even seek the white, working class vote, you are really bragging that you have destroyed the white working class, and are trying to marginalize this voting block. It also proves that you are racist, as well as a liar.

In 2008, you ran as a post-racial candidate. As President, you have divided the American people by race and class. You have fanned the flames of intolerance, and have given your support to the violence and anti-Semitism of the 'occupy Wall Street movement'.

We the people reserve the right to impeach you, and remove you from your current residence for your role in Operation Fast and Furious, as well as your administration's unprecendented level of corruption and criminal activity.

On November 6, 2012, your landlords (the voters) are going to evict you. Be out of the White House by January 20, 2013.

J. Redsquirrel.

The Rick Santorum Strategy?

There was a Major League baseball season , sometime in the 1980's (was it 1987, or was it 1984?), when each team in the American League West held first place for at least day, before one of the teams finished the season on top, and won the AL West.

This Republican Presidential campaign reminds me of that season. It started out with that Mormon with the great hair on top, then Minnesota Michele won the Iowa Straw Pole, and challenged him for the top spot in the polls. Then, Texas Rick entered the race, and stole Michele's thunder.

Then, Texas Rick started putting his foot in his mouth, and The Pizza Guy made his move. Then, his campaign was rocked by charges of impropriety with women (not his wife), and The Pizza Guy fell back in the pack.

Now, we have the Former Speaker Newt making a charge. The news media, as well as members of the conservative media, are already attacking him. As soon as you lead in the polls, you're attacked by your opponents as well as the mainstream news media.

There are three candidates who have yet to lead in the polls. John Huntsman, Ron Paul, and Rick Santorum. As long as bad news keep knocking the top tier candidates off the top of the hill, maybe the second tier isn't that bad a place to be.

If Santorum can get the Republican base to take him as a serious contender, maybe he can make that surprising, late-season surge that can take him to the GOP convention in August 2012, then maybe he can win the pennant, and go on to win the World Series...

 I mean, the 2012 Presidential Election.

(Disclaimer: The RedSquirrel Report is a blog that parodies the news and news makers of the day. Your bushy-tailed reporter isn't a professional pundit. If you're a gambler, and decide to bet on former Senator Rick Santorum to win the election next year, please bet responsibly.  Thank you.)

Santa Claus: That Obama Is An A$$Hole!

The RedSquirrel Report sent a correspondent to The North Pole to file a report. We thought that with all the trouble in the world, and with all the terrible news in America, we would do a fun report from Santa's Toy Shop. However, what we found was a very angry Santa Claus.

Mr. Kringle showed our correspondent around the massive toy shop, as the elves were enjoying their 20-minute 'smoke break'. We sat down with the big guy himself, although when we mentioned America, his jolly demeanor changed. He explained:

"Your President has been sending his NLRB thugs to strong arm me into unionizing. We have NEVER unionized, and never will. We could go belly-up if we are forced to offer pensions. My elves already have a great deal. If that jack a$$ Obama keeps this up, I'm gonna put a steaming reindeer turd in his stocking!"

Mr. Claus also referred to an incident in October, when Obama ordered armed federal agents to storm his toy guitar plant. We asked Obama's Attorney General Eric Holder about this incident, and he explained to us that Santa's Toyshop has been making toy guitars with an illegally imported wood from Sri Lanka. Santa dismisses the Attorney General's charge:

"What really pisses me off is that we are not under the jurisdiction of The United States of America. When Obama had the Gibson Guitar plant in Memphis stormed, that really torqued me off. But now, those pricks are coming after us. I don't want to sound too conspiratorial, but I think that they are coming after us to pressure us into unionizing".

We also met with the lovable elves. Once again, the cheerful elves had some strong words for President Obama. We spoke to the North Pole's official dentist, Dr. Hermie DDS. He had just finished putting some dental implants in for a patient. The huge, hairy, 20-foot patient previously had all his large teeth taken out by Dr. Hermie.

"If any of those unionista douchebags try coming back, I hope that my buddy (The Abominable Snow Bumble) bites them!"

Also, the Obama Administration has contacted Santa's Toy Shop with concerns that the operation has contributed to global warming. We asked Doctor Hermie's former boss about this.

"Global warming, my A$$", he laughed derisively. "I haven't heard anything this ridiculous since Hermie said that he wanted to be a dentist. We've got lots of snow, and it has actually gotten a little cooler in the last 20 years. Damned Marxist jerks!"

I Hear That Penn State Needs A Defensive Assistent

Yesterday, Massachusetts Representative Barney Frank announced that he won't be seeking a 17th term in Congress. A RedSquirrel Report microphone was there for the major announcement:

"I have decided to not seek a 17th term in Congress. It would've been a hard, hard campaign. It's best if my seat is an open seat. I have other things that I am thinking of doing next. I hear that Penn State needs a defensive assistant. I was also thinking about re-opening that gay brothel with my fwiend, Steven Goby. I like the idea of naming it 'Fanny Mae'.

As you know, my old seat was gerrymandered. (Wow, that sounded vaguely perverse.) I will miss my colleagues, my constituents, and ESPECIALLY, the under-aged congressional pages. Thank you."

What This World Needs Is A Sequel....

....and that sequel is "Mannequin 2". In the 1987 original, Kim Cattrell was an Egyptian who became a girl trapped inside 'the body' of department store mannequin. Andrew McCarthy was a guy who builds, then falls in love with this mannequin (named Emmy). She would come to life, but only HE could see the real girl.

My idea centers around a 19th Century Mormon (Let's call him 'Mitt'). He is at the threshold of death, when he learns that the angel named Joseph is renovating Mitt's heavenly palace, and that God will let Mitt travel into the future....as long as he finds a body to inhabit.

'Mitt' (I'm thinking that Matt Dillon would be good in this role) travels to New Hampshire, Michigan, Utah,  and Massachusetts, and flip-flops around, before he finds himself inhabiting a department store mannequin.

Meanwhile, it is an election year, and all of the Republican candidates seem to be floundering. A political operative. played by Kim Cattrall (Emmy), sees Mitt, and falls for him. She believes that he looks quite presidential, with his perfect hair and telegenic looks. The only problem is that he appears to be alive only to her.

The angel Joseph appears to her, and grants her wish that the American people sees the living, breathing man she sees. And so, Joseph grants her wish. Emmy and Mitt board their campaign bus, and as they flip pancakes and as he kisses babies, we are treated to the campaign theme song, the 1987 number one smash hit, "Nothings Gonna Stop Us Now", by Starship.

Joseph re-appears to Emmy, and tells her that 'Mitt' must go to Mormon Heaven on Election Day. The American people learn of this development, and must make their decision accordingly. Either vote for Mitt's opponent, a leftist busybody, or Mitt the mannequin. As it turns out, the mannequin wins in a landslide. The American people chooses the government 'that governs least governs best'.

Very little is done in four years. We have divided government. The people rejoice. The end.

Move Over, Garrison Keiller.

Move over, Garrison Keiller. Lake Woebegone is like, so yesterday. The books and the NPR radio program really isn't that relevant to anyone in  post-911 America.

Welcome to MinneDushu Days. MinneDushu Days is the brainchild of blogger/pod caster Ted Ebson.

In the mid-1990's, the civil war in Somalia created a refugee crisis. With the wind-down of hostilities in the war-torn nation, many Somalis were looking to emigrate to America. Minnesota Democrats, obsessed with political correctness and looking for more DFL voters, invited about 40,000 Somali emigrants into the Twin Cities area. Ebson states:

"What follows is a real culture clash, complete with zany honor killings, Muslim grocery workers who refuse to handle pig products, cabbies who refuse to allow dogs or alcohol into their cabs, and emigrants who return to their homeland to take up arms in the next wave in the war".

Ebson says that he would have liked to have hired character actor/voice over artist Mason Adams ("With a name like Smuckers, it has to be good") to play the role of narrator, but the actor died in 2005.

"Here you have a melting pot of conflict-averse Minnesota liberals, and the new residents.  The Twin Cities neighborhood was formerly known as the Kenwoody Neighborhood.

The capitol of Somalia is Mogadishu, hence the new name of the neighborhood is MinneDishu. As is the case in real life, a radical Muslim is elected to Congress, with the vast support of the new emigrants from Somalia, as well as the liberal Dhimmicrats."

Ebson took the idea to Minnesota Public Radio, but was shown the door by MPR security. The new podcast is scheduled to start streaming sometime next year.

GBTL Wants Glen Beck's GBTV Shut Down....Or The Name Changed

Angry sodomites across the fruited plain may be filing a lawsuit against conservative media figure Glenn Beck in the upcoming weeks.

It seems that many in the GBTL community are mistakenly ordering Beck's on-line talk channel, GBTV. As gay lawyer, Gavin Dangle lisped:

"I thought that I was ordering The Gay Bisexual Transgendered Video channel, not Glenn Beck TV. This is a travesty! Why would I want anything that reprehensible reptile is peddling?..."

Meanwhile, Chairman of WWE Entertainment (formerly WWF, World Wrestling Federation) Vince McMahon is advising the conservative broadcaster to change the name.

"I advise Mr. Beck to change the name of his channel. As you know, some liberal crapweasels from The World Wildlife Fund sued me and my company, World Wrestling Federation. The communist jack-asses somehow think they own everything, even initials".

Beck is currently consulting with a lawyer about this matter.

When Black Friday Shoppers Attack

On the Friday after each Thanksgiving, Americans shake off their triyptophan coma, and engage in an all-out, psychotic orgy of avarice and greed, commonly referred to as 'Black Friday'. It's great entertainment for us that take a rain check, and watch the news accounts on TV. People pushing, crushing, and runniing over friend and foe alike, as they struggle to find that television set with that magic '15% off' sticker.

There was that crazy woman in Los Angeles who pepper-sprayed the other shoppers, and there were also American shoppers who were shot on Friday. But nobody could hold a candle to the craziest shoppers of them all.

On Thursday morning, Norma Ridgeway and Joy Rikkets, just a couple a fun-loving ladies from Alburquerque, New Mexico, had a plan.

The plan was to steal a tank from the local Army base, and clean out the local WalMart. Then, at 2400  hours, just before the midnight madness was to begin, they would break the WalMart doors with their tank, and clean out the retail universe.

Our heroes arrived at the local Army base thirty minutes before midnight, and Norma distracted the lone guard on duty, while Joy revved up the tank. When the guard had his back turned to investigate the noise, Norma pulled a gun on him. With the guard subdued, the gals were on their way to some incredible supersavings.

At 11:53 on Thursday night, the crowd was rabid, and WalMart greeters and employees were getting ready to be trampled by insane shoppers. Just then, the tank arrived, smashing in the front doors.

After their spree of mayhem and some incredible deals, the girls jumped back into their tank, and were last seen heading towards the U.S.-Mexico border.

There seems to be squabbling between Federal law officials, the New Mexico National Guard, and military leaders. Nobody wants to retrieve the tank. As one commander states:

"I've done 3 tours in Iraq.  I've seen friends lose limbs, seen comrades killed, but I don't ever think that it's worth the trouble of messin' with shoppers on Black Friday. Those people are just plain crazy!"

I Am.................Creepy Mask Guy!

We at The RedSquirrel Report believe in giving equal time to all points of view. So, in our never-ending quest for journalistic excellence, we have invited Creepy Mask Guy (he's the guy who wears that creepy Guy Fawkes mask at the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations) to share his manifesto with America. Take it away, Creepy Mask Guy:

"Thank you, rodent reporter. I am Creepy Mask Guy. Perhaps you have seen me and my creepy mask at all of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations across the country. You filthy capitalist pigs think that there are thousands of protesters with the creepy mask, but in reality, I am the ONLY ONE! I am a man of mystery and, am able to be everywhere at once!

Now, on to my Creepy Mask Guy Manifesto!

We are the 99%, and will take Wall Street down! These dirty bankers lend us money for college, but they don't guarantee us a six-figure salary. For instance, I have been in college for the last 8 years, and I think that I will have that BA in French Philosophy sometime in 2013. I have to pay back about $160,000. And so, I don this Creepy Mask to wreak havoc on you, Wall Street!

We are the 99%, so that means that there are a whole lot more of us than there are of you! This is a democracy. The mob rules!  So, if we want to crap on cop car, WE WILL! If we decide to disrupt the subway system, making it harder for you janitors, waitresses, and dishwashers to get to your job, JUST LIVE WITH IT! You cannot stop us.

There is a good reason why the poor and down-trodden side with us, and wonderful people like George Soros, President Obama, and Nancy Pelosi sing our praises. It's because, they also hate those evil people who work for a living. You may think that you bastards who get up at 6:00 a.m. to go to your job are safe from us, the 99% YOU ARE WRONG!!!! Eventually, we do get get out of bed, and WE WILL confront you!

You think that we will quit. Au Contraire! (I was thinking about majoring in French)....We will fester like a boil on the neck of this dirty capitalist system until we finally get what we want! After a few more meetings of The Occupy Wall Street Committee, we will get back to you!

I am....Creepy Mask Guy!"

When Did They Stop Being A Pain In The Ass And Start Becoming A Threat To Our Country?

I'm talking about The Occupy Wall Street demonstrators.

Are You Just A Little Bit Concerned?

In the first few months of The Messiah's first (and hopefully last) term, we discovered that public schools were indoctrinating the little crumb crunchers with songs of worship and praise for the new President.

Barack Hussein Obama, mmmm....mmmmm.....mmmm......

Now, if your head is screwed on straight, and if you're President of the United States of America, and if you find out that they're WORSHIPPING you in the public schools across the fruited plain,what do YOU do?

If you're normal, you contact those schools and tell the teachers to stop it, and go back to teaching reading, writing, and arithmetic, right?

If you're a malignant narcissist, you do what Barack Hussein Obama did. Soak up the glory.

This idiot likes the idolatry. So did Uncle Joe Stalin.

I don't know about you, but I think all this has gotten to his head. Just sayin'.

Memories Of Bill Clinton's Second Inauguration Parade

Yesterday's post reminded me of all the majesty of President Clinton's second inauguration parade in 1997. As I remember, it was a terrific spectacle.

It was a crisp, clean January day, when President Bill Clinton stepped into his limousine with the first lady and their daughter, Chelsea. The excited crowds struggled to get an unobstructed view of the President.

The parade has floats and marching bands, as well as the first family. Halfway through the parade, they got out, and walked, waving at the happy crowd. There was one happy, young brunette with a blue dress and a beret, that the President greeted verrry warmly.

Most parades feature a princess on a float. For Bubba's second inauguration, Princess Bimbo Eruption, Joy Reardon, was crowned with a recycled Coors beer can. Classy!

Next, the parade watchers got to glimpse of a float carrying Disgraced Clinton Officials From The First Term. I never saw so many people on a float before. I was surprised that all that weight didn't cause a flat tire.

There was that Whitewater Savings And Loan float, or something. It's hard to separate all of those Clinton-era scandals.

As I recall,  former Governor Jim Guy-Tucker was in a police car. The police took the handcuffs off so the former Governor could also wave to the parade watchers.

The Tyson Farms float featured a twenty-foot, paper mache' chicken. It made quite a mess for the D.C. city workers to clean up.

It was nice of the F.B.I. to let many of the indicted and convicted members of his first term take part in the parade. I think there were 10 or 11 of them connected together by a large ball and chain.

As I recall, it was a fantastic parade.

Adjusting Our WHAT?

Recently, America's school lunch lady Moochelle told America that we need to (Are you ready? Wait for it....)....ADJUST our children's palette.

Wow....just wow. These busybodies aren't satisfied with over-regulating the workplace, our light bulbs, our toilets, what we do, what we say....

Now these arrogant ASSES want control of our TASTE BUDS. Our taste buds are in OUR HEADS, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

OUT!!!!!OUT!!!!!OUT!!!!!GETOUT!!!!!!!

The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Has Been Cancelled

Due to the fire-bombing of Macy's Department store in New York, The 87th Annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has been cancelled. The 'Occupy Wall Street' protests spilled out into an uncontrollable inferno of chaos, and vandalism before the enraged, clueless bolcheviks decided to burn the store down to the ground.

All of your favorite balloons have been destroyed. There will be no Garfield The Cat, no Snoopy and Charlie Brown, no Gumby. They're all gone. Melted.

All of the marching bands have cancelled their appearances.

Replacing the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is the first annual Occupy Wall Street Parade. Oh lookie, they're starting the parade....

Grand Marshall George Soros blows a whistle. The drum circle is now in the shape of a hammer and sickle. Impressive....

Here comes the S.E.I.U. Marching Band, resplendent in their purple t-shirts. They all have kazoos. Oh no, now they're beating the parade watchers....

Hey everybody. look who's coming now. Sexual predators from 'Occupy Wall Street'. Get the women in a tent. please....

Next, we have some anti-Semites with placards. We've blurred  their posters for the t.v. audience....

Here comes the ACORN float. Is that President Obama? I think it is! I didn't know that he was back from his vacation....

Here come first lady Michelle. She greets the parade watchers before sticking a carrot in every body's mouth. That Michelle is all about healthy eating!

Here comes The AFL-CIO float. There's union boss James Hoffa, yelling into a bullhorn. Let's listen:

"We are your army, Mr. President! Let's crack these teabagger's skulls!!!!"

Oooh! That's one tough-looking float!

 Here comes some 'human animals' from Occupy Wall Street. Hey look, a couple of them just crapped on the street. Watch your feet, everybody.

Here comes some very old hippies. They look like they don't even know where they are. And bringing up the rear, are some psychology majors-turned professional protesters. The 99%....

We all believe that these losers will forever be 'bringing up the rear'. Goodbye from Wall Street. If America still exists a year from now, we'll do this again next year. So long!

America Has Gotten Lazy

A reporter followed the constantly vacationing ME-ssiah to Bali, and interviewed The President.

"America has gotten lazy', the President said,  as he sat in a jacuzzi, with a drink in his hand. "Hey you, top this off", he ordered a Balinese pool boy, almost spilling his drink.

"America has also gotten fat and soft," he continued. "Corporate fatcats live the high life, while the unions struggle to just keep their meager benefits."

His cellphone rings.

"Van Jones and Axelod are also coming to Hawaii? Good. The golf is great.....Sounds like fun. 'Later".

He turns to the reporter.

"As I was saying........"

This Is Obama Country

Hatred, envy, jealousy as far as the eye can see. Violence and extremism. Wacky cluelessness. This is the 'Occupy Wall Street' demonstrations. I watch these morons and see the Obama voter base.

Rioting in Oakland, widespread sexual assaults in NYC, civil unrest in many of these cities. Losers, anti-Semites, lawlessness. It sounds like I'm describing the Obama Administration itself.

Squalor, disease, death. The Thing That Wouldn't Leave (SNL skit). Defecating on  police officers. The arrogance. Idiots behaving as if the world somehow owes you. Sounds like Obama policy.

Hatred of America. Fundamentally transforming it. Turning The United States of America into a turd-world nation of dependent low-lives. The only thing missing is a teleprompter.

This Is Obama Country.

Whatever Became Of Jenny/867-5309?

We at The RedSquirrel Report has seen enough hellish accounts from the 'occupy Wall Street' protests taking place across the country. The reports of these leftist animals crapping on cop cars, the rapes, riots, disease, and death taking place at these microcosms of unchecked liberalism has your bushy-tailed correspondent looking for a fun, light news story to take our minds off of our society's demise.

We thought that we would do a 'Whatever became of?' post about one of the most popular, enduring pop hits from the 1980's, Jenny/867-5309.

Jenny/867-5309 was a top 10 pop hit from 1982 for Tommy Tutone. I thought that I would begin the story by dialing the number.

A man answered the phone. Incredibly, it was Jenny's angry dad. At first, he wanted to just yell at me and hang up, but I told him that I am with The RedSquirrel Report, and that I would be willing to tell the world his story. So, he relented.

Astonishingly, It appears that Jenny's parents never moved, or have ever changed the most popular phone number in history. Jenny's dad told me:

'Yeah, that punk Tommy got her name and number off the wall. Soon, the number was on lots of walls. All over the country. Then it seemed every horndog in the world would be trying to call her. The assholes sometimes would call at 2:00 in the morning, waking me and the wife up. It was hell.'

In 1990, sick of curious callers, Jenny's parents changed 867-5309 slightly, to a 1-900 number.  From 1990 until 1995, it was a  'Dial-An-Insult' phone line. For $1.99, Jenny's dad would insult you for calling.

Needless to say, it was a howling success.

But back to Jenny. What ever became of her? All Jenny's dad would tell The RedSquirrel Report, is that she is 51 years old, and would like to remain anonymous.

A RedSquirrel Report Reader Weighs In

On Friday, The RedSquirrel Report received an interesting reader comment in reaction to our exclusive expose 'Is Joe Scarborough Really A Pod Person?'.

Fellow blogger Almond Paarman (Live Long Life Protect Environment blog) left a rather cryptic comment. It reads:

We must ask, what happened at Fort Qiaoshi Jia? We report on the true story Red Squirrel what happened, the former conservative from Florida traces of heat.

A hearty thank-you to Almond Paarman for the heads-up. Our I-Team investigators will be following up on this important story.

Just yesterday, your bushy-tailed reporter has also found out that the former representative from Florida had a pop hit in 1981. At the time, Joe Scarborough went by the name Joe Scarbury. His big hit , The Greatest American Hero (Believe It Or Not) reached number 3 on Billboards Hot 100.

Once again, Thanks to Almond. We at The RedSquirrel Report will stay atop this story.

A Letter From Happy Valley

This week, we are learning of the sexual assaults of under-aged boys, involving Penn State Assistant Coach Jerry Sandusky, and it has shocked America's conscience. Head Coach Joe Paterno doesn't seem to grasp the seriousness of this, appearing to care more about the college's image than the kids who were victimized.

After the firing of Penn State head coach Joe Paterno was splashed all over the news,  Penn State students rioted. Not in anger for the victims. They were angry that the head coach was fired. One of the clueless rioters sent this letter to us:

My name is Trent. I am a Junior at Penn State. Last night, the Board Of Trustees fired our head coach, the legendary Joe Paterno. I am still in shock. It feels like they just fired God.

Me and my friends turned over a news van last night. We did it because JoPa will never reach 500 career wins. Still, I am at least glad that they let Coach Paterno break that important record of all-time winningest coach. As for the scandal involving Coach Jerry Sandusky, I feel pretty bad for those kids, but the Penn State football program may lose millions of dollars because of this scandal. 

Also, our assistants may be in trouble. What are they trying to do to us? If this keeps up, Penn State football probably won't be in the AP Top 25 next year.

All I can say is "Fight! Fight! Penn State, Fight!"

Trent (last name withheld), Penn State Junior.

It's About Time

On October 6, your bushy-tailed correspondent published a post ("What Do You Get When You Cross The Star Wars Catina Bar Scene With The Island Of Misfit Communists?").

In said post, I imagined a 'man on the street' report from the 'Occupy Wall Street' protests, featuring Conan O'Brien's roving correspondent, Triumph The Insult Comic Dog

Last week, it happened.

In my opinion, Triumph should be a professor of journalism somewhere.

Go to YouTube, watch, and learn how it's done.

53 Seconds

During last night's GOP Presidential Debate, Texas Governor Rick Perry was asked to name three governmental agencies he would shut down if he were president. For 53 cringe worthy seconds, he struggled with that question.

How dumb did Texas Governor Rick Perry look?  He looked almost as dumb as Vice President Joe Biden does every second of every day.

No wonder all the smart people want him out of the race.

CMA's Not Quite As Bad As Mitch Berg And Ed Morrisey's Singing

by Gerald Snotley, music critic.

The Country Music Awards wasn't as bad as listening to Mitch Berg and Ed Morrisey's singing on The NARN (Northern Alliance Radio Network, 1280 am The Patriot), but the intellectual weightlessness was on display for all to see from the outset.

Co-hosts Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood summoned the ghastly Hank Williams Jr., making light of his recent outburst on Fox And Friends, where he compared President Obama with Adolf Hitler.

Hunky newcomer Luke Bryan performed the downright sexist "Country Girl (Shake It For Me)". I can see everyone down at the 'I Love This Bar And Grill' having fun with this, but for leftist arthouse snobs like myself, who hasn't written a positive review since the wonderful  'My Aim Is True' by Elvis Costello, this was simply offensive. 

As for the winners, it ranged from the tarty redneck Miranda Lambert, who won the award for 'Best Female Vocalist', to the over-hyped, singing fetus, Taylor Swift, who snatched the 'Entertainer Of The Year Award'.

The Band Perry, a trio who resemble inbred bitter clingers from the backwoods, snagged several awards, including  'Song Of The Year' for 'If I Die Young'.

The CMA's weren't as horrific as that godawful duo of Berg and Morrissey, who traumatized us all with their remake of Warren Zevon's, 'Lawyers, Guns and Money'. It took four months for my eyebrows to grow back after that music fiasco.

Is MSNBC Host Joe Scarborough Really A Pod Person?

Your bushy-tailed reporter remembered election night 1994, when Newt and the gang stormed the congressional elections, sweeping both houses for the GOP. One of the fresh faces was a newcomer from Florida, named Joe Scarborough.

Fast forward to 2011. On the Leftist Hatefest that is MSDNC....Whoops....MSNBC, where hosts and guests alike fling the crap like poo-flinging monkeys, we have the same Joe Scarborough hosting the morning show, Morning Joe, with Zebignew Brzezinsky's little girl, Mika.

Or is he the same Joe Scarborough? One must wonder, 'What happened to Joe Scarborough?'

We at The RedSquirrel Report are hot on the trail of the real story of what happened to the former conservative from Florida.

We go back to 2001.  Florida Representative Joe Scarborough suddenly decides to retire from Congress after only 3 full terms. Meanwhile, D.C. police call a local botanist. They are investigating an unusual pod-shaped object located in a large bush just outside the Florida Republican's office window.

The night before, several D.C.residents call the local police. Each of the callers reported seeing a naked man walking into one of the congressional buildings, describing the man having 'a very square head'.

In 2003, 'Scarborough Country' debuts. In 2007, 'Morning Joe' debuts on MSNBC.

Is Joe Scarborough a pod person? This phenomenon could also explain former conservative Ariana Huffington.

They're here. You're next.

A Statement From Gloria Allred

We also fed some of Gloria Allred's statement through the Truthteller 3000.

 Recently, I was out on my daily rounds (blowing my gym whistle loudly at male chauvanist pigs), when my new client, Sharon Bialek, contacted me at my office. I was glad that it wasn't Meg Whitman's housekeeper, who I used to derail Whitmen's Gubernatorial candidacy, I don't remember the housekeeper's name or where she was from. Somewhere south of the border, I believe.  I had her sent back to her homeland.

Ms. Bialek came to me with a tale of shocking, boorish, downright MANLY behavior, and after my heart stopped palpatating, decided on the most headline-grabbing, self promoting way to get her story out.

I believe that Ms. Bialek is telling the truth, but that's not why we are here today. I want to embarrass the hell out of that dirty, uppity black Republican. Justice cries out for this woman. (ring) Excuse me, It's my cell phone.

(whispering) No, Juanita, I won't take your case. Stop calling me!

End transcript.

The REAL Statement From Gloria Allred's New Client

We here at The RedSquirrel Report have fired up our Truthteller 3000, and have translated some of the newest Herman Cain accuser's statement. In part it reads:

My name is Sharon Bialek. Recently, I was watching the news, and discovered that Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain lead the field. These poll numbers suddenly triggered a disturbing memory of an encounter I had in 1997 with Mr. Cain.

Strangely, I never thought about coming  forward when Mr. Cain was in LAST place in the polls.


In July 1997, I  travelled to Washington D.C., seeking Mr. Cain's assistance in gaining employment. I had reserved a hotel room at the Capital Hilton, and was surprised to see that he had upgraded my hotel reservation, to a palatial suite. He were at The Capital Hilton offices, when suddenly, he reached his hand on my........

When I pulled away,  asked me, "You want a job, right?"


Now, all I ask is that he admit to what he did, and do the right thing. Just like Illinois Senatorial candidate Jack Ryan did in 2004. Withdraw now from this race. As a proud, registered Republican, and tea party activist, I ask Mr. Cain to stop this candidacy, or risk denying our Messiah a second term that is needed to undo the mess that the previous administration created.

This Is Brian Ross, ABC News....

I've uncovered some shocking new allegations relating to Presidential Herman Cain's past dealings with women colleagues at the National Restaurant Association. In 1998, after looking directly at one female associate, the Republican Presidential candidate also smiled at the victim. When I asked the perp about this, Mr. Cain appeared to give a vague, noncommittal denial. We pointed out this lie, to which he was forced to admit that he probable did indeed look directly, AND SMILED, at the victim.

Next, we asked him about the 'five-figure' severance package awarded to another victim, the Republican Presidential candidate appeared to dodge the question. He appeared testy when I waved a piece of paper in his face. Amazingly, he didn't know the exact details of the severance package. After badgering him for several minutes, I got Mr. Cain to break the conditions of the confidentiality agreement.

I asked him if there were other details concerning this blatant pattern of harassment that he was hiding from the public. By now, the Republican candidate appeared beleaguered

Next, I asked the Republican hopeful if America is ready to elect a serial harasser for President. It was then, I could see steam come of his ears.

This is Brian Ross, ABC News. Diane, Back to you....

A Shocking Redsquirrel Report Expose'

We have learned not only that Presidential Candidate Herman Cain created a hostile work environment while he was President of The National Restaurant Association, He actually wrote a song about his exploits with female colleagues This song appears on a CD single, which is available on Amazon.com

The song is eerily similar to Van Halen's "Ice Cream Man". The lyrics are as follows:

I'm your pizza man, I'm your deep dish godfather of love
Yeah I'm your pizza man, I'm your deep thick dish godfather of love
I'm so hot, baby, remember to wear a glove

I am so saucy, tangy and hot 
You'll love what this Godfather gots
I'm the pizza man, I'm your deep dish of love
I'm so hot, baby, remember to wear a glove

Now one day, baby, I'll be running for president
Now one day, baby, I'll be running for president
Come on, baby,
Don't break our confidentiality agreement

A Statement From Kim Kardashian

Dear fans:

As you all probably know by now, I have decided to end my 72-day marriage to NBA superstar Chris Humphries. While divorces are often messy, I've decided that writing Chris off of my show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, was the best thing to do.

Yesterday, sister Chloe and I had an interesting discussion that involved the possibility of keeping the marriage together. We thought of opening up two phone lines:

1.800.111.1111 Don't divorce Chris Humphries
1.800.222.2222 Divorce Chris Humphries

I am already thinking about the future. The season finale of my show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, will feature our lawyers as they haggle over all the messy divorce stuff. Talk about must see t.v.!

I am also working on next season. Me and the family are narrowing down the field of potential new husbands. As usual, we will pick someone from the NBA or the NFL. We think that wide receiver Chad Ochocinco could bring some comedic relief to my show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

There is a rumour floating around that I was thinking of picking O.J. Simpson. As you know, he was my superstar lawyerdad's client. We decided to pass on him, because he's a little too old. And he decapitated his wife a few years back. Still, marrying O.J. would've been ratings gold.

I thank all my fans for watching my show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and for buying my Kim Kardashian merchandise. Keep watching.

Love.
Kim :  )

It's Feeding Time

About three weeks ago, dozens of wild, exotic animals were let loose from a wild animal preserve in Ohio. The owner set the animals loose, then killed himself.

I was watching the 'Occupy Wall Street' protests, and upon seeing the hateful, obnoxious signs that many of the professional demonstrators were carrying, a curious thought entered my mind:

What would've happened had the location of the wild animal preserve been, say in upstate New York? Perhaps we would be reading this:

Attracted by the powerful smell of urine, dozens of wild animals rampaged through New York City's Zuccotti Park, and devoured hundreds of sign-carrying demonstrators. The animals had escaped from a wild game refuge in rural, upstate New York.

"Yeah, me an' some of my officers had to kill several Bengal tigers. They were all over some college students over there", Officer Tony Andriotti said, looking at a torn sign which read, 'I Can't Pay Off My College Loans'.
"Looks like they don't have to worry about those loans anymore", the New York cop said, staring at the sign.

Officer Bobby Piccolo looked at another battered, bloody sign, which read 'Eat The Rich'.

"Wow, now THAT'S ironic", he muttered, picking up the sign with two fingers.

Happy Halloween From The Obamas

Happy Halloween, America. It's the neighborhood bully, President Barack Hussein Obama.

As Michelle and our Senior Advisers, Malia and Sasha, hand out candy and dried fruit to trick-or-treaters, union leaders and Solyndra executives will be bobbing for bribes in the White House ballroom. This week, I am stealing candy from some, and redistributing the candy to the suckers who got college loans, but won't pay them back.

And we always have plenty of vampires to suck the taxpayers of their blood.

Earlier today, I got quite a scare, when a girl in a scary witch costume came trick-or-treating. I opened the door and saw her, and said, "My! What a scary little witch!"
She gave me an unblinking, evil eye, and yelled, "I'm not wearing a costume! I'm Nancy Pelosi! I'm here for the 2:00 p.m. meeting!"

Now those two hooligans, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, are egging my house. I better get Attack Watch on the case. I have The Great Pumpkin on the t.v. right now......oh, that's New Jersey Governor Chris Christie on CNN.

What the hell is that snickering sound? It sounds like a red squirrel.

One neighbor that I WON'T be inviting to the party is that grumpy old man, Michael Savage. That mean old man's psychotic mutt, Teddy, keeps digging through Michelle's victory garden.

We have a swingin' Halloween Bash in full force. Oh look, there's the Night Of The Living Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid hobnobbing with the winner of our drag queen contest, Representative Barney Frank of Massachusetts. Wow, that's one heck of a Marilyn Monroe costume.

Austan Ghoulsbee has the scariest costume of them all. He's arrived as a tombstone, with the words 'Rest In Peace, American Economy 1776-2011'.

The presidential election will be in full swing next year, and if you think that this Halloween is scary, just wait! Halloween 2012 promises to be the most horrifying freak show EVER!  But don't worry, America.

My 'civilian security force'  in purple t-shirts will be patrolling the streets, and on election day 2012, the Black Panthers will be standing guard outside each polling place.

Happy Halloween on behalf of The Obamas, and if you don't have a great Halloween, just remember:

I inherited this holiday from the previous administration. Thank you.

The One.

Is The Title Too Long?

With your bushy-tailed correspondent having finished his 6,666-page biography on George Soros, I would like to know if my 'working title' is too long.

The working title is:

George Soros-The Scourge Of Moldavia, The Sorrow Of Carpathia, The Destroyer Of Currencies, Nations, And Drug Laws. Inside The Twisted World Of A Leftist Billionaire, And How This Evil Money Changer Succeeded In Wrecking Entire Civilizations Since 1490....

I think it's just right.

I'm Finally Done With The Manuscript!

Your bushy-tailed correspondent has finally completed the manuscript of the unauthorized biography of George Soros. All 6,666 pages of it. Now, I begin the process of getting this thing published, so I'll be looking for a literary agent.

I thought that I would treat both of my readers with an exciting preview. Here is page 6,666. Enjoy.


In the Summer of 2011, Soros and his generals (United States President Barack Hussein Obama and Secretary General Hilliary Clinton) were pleased by the success of their latest effort, also known as 'the Arab Spring'. This bloody revolution took out both Hosni Mubarak, as well as Moammar Qaddafi. Their friends, the Muslim Brotherhood, had succeeded in toppling long-standing dictatorships, and are ready to install Shariah law in Egypt and Libya.

Currently, Soros is using the same model in his Communistic overthrow of United States. In August 2011, he instructed his generals at the Tides Foundation to organize a series of protests. And so, the 'Occupy Wall Street' movement was hatched. Soros explains his plans for worldwide domination this way, in a creepy, Hungarian accent:

"I think that breaking currencies worldwide, and turning America into a land of drug zombies through drug legalization, is all well and good, but time is getting short. That Nazarene pipsqueak is on his way to whisk the Christians off of this planet, so I, along with my generals, have to get cracking. Those wonderful protesters are all my children, and they will be fodder for my globalist takeover. Soon, with the believers in that goody-two-shoes Nazarene off the planet, me and my generals are going to have one HELL of a party.

They say that the party will last for seven years. My lawyer, Villhelm Kunsler, is suing that old fogey, Yahweh. After we take this world, we will depose him next. Then, as the heavenly host wails uncontrollably, I will spit molten lava from hell into the face of God himself!"

The New RedSquirrel Poll

Our pollster asked 753 demonstrators at the 'Occupy Wall Street' protests a few questions concerning the current state of our country.

Question 1- Do you agree with Roseanne Barr, that the rich should be forced to give up their wealth, or be be-headed?

Agree 27%  Disagree 54%  Don't know 19%


Question 2- What should we do with the Jewish bankers?

Take their wealth, and send them to concentration camps 21%
Harass them, picket their houses, and frighten their families 43%
Continue protests, but leave it at that 17%
Eat them 12%



What is your occupation?

I am a professional protester  37%
I am a professional student  28%
I am a union official 13%
I work in the news media  9%
I am a full-time couch jockey 12%

Joe Biden's Stupid Meter Goes To 11

In the terrific 1980's mockumentary, 'This Is Spinal Tap', the band's lead guitarist, Nigel Tufnel showed off his amplifier.

"All these knobs go to 11", the proud guitarist said proudly.

Vice Perp Joe Biden is equally proud of his stupid meter, which also tops out at 11. The court jester of the Obama Regime has taken his weirdness on the road in recent days. In Flint, Michigan, he all but promised an explosion of rape and murder if the dirty Republicans won't support Obama's 'jobs bill'.

Last week, he took his insanity to an elementary school .

 In the month since I ratted out my own blog to The Regime's Stasi-esque ATTACK WATCH!, I've gotten daily requests for campaign contributions. About two weeks ago, I was checking my in-box, when I found another request. This one was from JOE BIDEN....

What follows isn't the actual e-mail from the Vice-Perp, but it's pretty close....

Friend-
On behalf of Obama 2012, I would like to thank you for your support. It's very important that you stand with us as we combat the Republicans. We need you to stand with us (unless you're wheelchair-bound), and send us your most generous contribution. The administration is doing it's best to keep the murder and rape rates low, and the best way you can help us is to send us some cash. Also, you can help our clean, articulate black president by volunteering for Obama For America.
It's all about a little 4-letter word. (win).

Thank you.
Joe.

Qaddafi Duck Cancelled

With the killing of Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi last Thursday, Libya's state-run television network has decided to cancel it's most popular cartoon, Qaddaffy Duck.

Last Thursday, the former dictator was found hiding in a drainage pipe, then taken by rebels, before he was shot to death. Disturbing video of his final moments were viewed worldwide.

 Time-Warner Entertainment is in negotiation with the rebels about possibly creating a new cartoon series, teaming Qaddaffy Duck and a new character, El-Mar Fuuddammad.

In one episode currently being storyboarded, Qaddaffy Duck negotiates with the rebel/hunter Fuuddammad, as to whether the hunter should shoot the hapless duck later, or cancel the trial, and shoot him now.

If the planned cartoon mirrors history, the rebel/hunter will shoot him now.

Loon Of The Week

Longfellow Loon has found time to tear himself away from The Occupy MN demonstrations, and awards this week's Loon Of The Week Award to a deserving lefty loonatic. Take it away, Loony.

 "LOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOO!!!!

Thanks Squirley. This week,  The Loon Of The Week Award goes to Zbigniew Brzezinski. The former advisor to President Jimmuh Carter appeared on MSNBC's Morning Joe, with his little girl (co-host Mika Brzezinsnki), and suggested that what this world needs is a nice, long list of evil rich people. Wow, Z-Big's light bulb is sure burning bright, isn't it!

The real problem is that the eeeevil rich aren't sharing their money, and what we need to do is put them on a list. Everyone can see the list, and maybe picket their great, big houses.

Now, if that doesn't work, maybe what we need to do is sew a big dollar sign on their sleeve. I once saw something sort've like that on The History Channel. Maybe that'll open up their wallets.

We don't have to actually put the eeevil rich in ghettos, like the Nazis did to the Jews. The eeevil rich already have their own ghettos. In America, these ghettos are called 'rich neighborhoods'.

So, this week's Loooon Of The Week Award goes to Zbigniew Brzezinski. Wow, that name just rolls off the tongue!

LOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLO!!!!"

Thank you, Longfellow Loon.  As usual, you did a loontastic job.

Where Is Protest Warrior?

Does anybody remember the names Alan Lipton and Kfir Alfia, collectively known as Protest Warrior? They were those guys who would crash the anti-Iraq War/ anti-Bush protests with their comical counter-protest signs. They where highly popular in the alternative news media about six years ago, appearing on Rush Limbaugh's radio show, as well as The NARN.

These days, as I watch these 'Occupy Wall Street' demonstrations all over the country, with their 'lovely' signs that read 'Eat The Rich' or 'Castrate The Jewish Bankers', I would like to see the return of Protest Warrior.

Of course, I have my own mock-up sign ideas:

 

Leave My Nuts Alone

Your bushy-tailed reactionary sees the protest signs from these 'Occupy Wall Street' demonstrations, and wonder if a counter-demonstration is just around the corner.

Like most normal Americans, I generally believe that the government does way more damage to this society than Wall Street, and see the protest signs as proof that the university system has done a mighty fine job of producing at least two generations of dumbed-down, leftist low-lifes.

In the 1700's, a flag was produced that summarized our founding father's passion for freedom. It featured a snake, and four, simple words:  Don't Tread On Me. Watching these demonstrators, four words come this pro-capitalist red squirrel's mind:

As I've posted before, I am fairly industrious, although I am far from financially wealthy. I don't have a lot, but those wealthier than me really don't owe me anything. I don't want their stuff, and I don't want the government taking my stuff and redistributing it. Dig?

Leave My Nuts Alone is my little slogan for all us little shlubs out there that believe in capitalism. It's a slogan for Grover Norquist's Leave Me Alone Coalition, and also describes David Strom's 'think like a conservative even if you're in a liberal's income range' ethos.

My slogan has a ribald sense of humor. It's scatological.  It's upside-down, like an American flag in distress.

Does anybody want to screen print some t-shirts?  If capitalism's going down, at least we can make some money for our trouble.

Racists For Herman Cain

Without a doubt, the most overused and abused word in the English language is the word, 'racist'. If a conservative orders a pizza in Kansas, you can bet your bottom dollar that Harry Belafonte is on his banana boat somewhere, yelling 'Racist!'

Millions of Americans didn't vote for Barack Hussein Obama in 2008. Political scientist Janeanne Garofalo opined that those who didn't sufficiently support The Messiah were racists.  Now, millions of Americans support Republican Herman Cain's candidacy, and Janeanne Garofalo calls THEM racist.

In Adam Carolla's book, 'In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks', Carolla states that for every racist out there, there are about 24 people who really aren't. I want to see his math.

Originally, I supported Sarah Palin's possible presidential run, because I wanted to see the state-run news media's collective head explode. Now, I am looking to Herman Cain as my favorite candidate. In fact, I am interested in screen printing up some t-shirts that read, 'Racists For Herman Cain'.

I think that America has had enough of these chronic race-accusers like Garofalo and Belafonte.  Instead of being so afraid of them, let's laugh at them. Dig?

A RedSquirrel Report Exclusive

We at The RedSquirrel Report have in our possession an explosive, shocking communique from ego maniacal financier George Soros to ego maniacal President Barack Hussein Obama. The subject of this letter is the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations.

This letter is to be read in a thick, creepy Hungarian accent. In part it reads:


Dear Mr. President,
I trust that you have received my latest campaign contribution. 'Father' says 'hi.' He just 'finished' watching the news. That Nancy Pelosi really turns him on.

We are quite pleased with the international turmoil that Micheal (Lerner) and the gang are causing. I knew that destroying the primary educational system would come in handy. Our takeover of the universities have brought America to it's knees!  From that nutcase in Los Angeles screaming for bloody revolution to that idiot crapping on the police car to the wacky signs.....I am sure glad that we have all those willing, useful little idiots to distract the country.

Only those troublemakers on talk radio and the right-wing blogosphere seems to be concerned with Solyndra, LightSquared, and Fast And Furious. This Communist revolution seems to be the perfect distraction. As for our friends in the news media, my army of  false prophets have dumbed down the public to the point that over 40% still support YOU!

And you're TRYING to destroy what's left of the free market system!

The revolution is so close. All we need is some violent reaction from the authorities. Just ask MSNBC's Donny Deutch.

We may have trouble keeping Attorney General Holder. If he has to go, father wants you to replace him with Roseanne Barr.

My people are more less pleased with the job you're doing. Soon, we will have our hellish paradise, and it is then when father will spit molten lava into the face of Yahweh himself.

Keep strong.

George.

Open Letter To ESPN Monday Night Football (From Hank Williams Jr.)

From : Hank Williams Jr.

To : ESPN

Dear ESPN,

Are you ready for low ratings? That's what yer gettin' for takin' my theme song off your Monday Night Football telecast.

In the name of political correctness, You guys have shot yourselves in the foot. By taking the ole' Bosephus classic intro away from your fans, all my rowdy friends will not be watching ESPN any more.

In case you hadn't noticed, my song "All My Rowdy Friends", goes perfectly with ANY sport. Are you ready for baseball? hockey? NASCAR? B-Ball? Softball? Swimming? Jai Lai? Bowling? My song will be a theme song again very soon.

It doesn't matter which sport. My song is the perfect sports theme song.

I am also in contract talks with your Monday night competition. When CBS brings "Big Bang Theory" back to Monday nights, my song will be "So you want A BIG BANG?  A Monday Night PARRRR-TEEEE!!!!
WE GOT THREE DORKY GUYS....ANNNND A FINE BLOND HOTTTT-EEEE!"

I am in negotiations with the producers of "Dancing With The Stars". "So you want SOME DANCING!!!!
A WILD DANCING PARTY! We got Chaz Bono and the gang...."

You get the drift, Hoss?

Even the fine folks at "Hawaii Five-O" are thinking of changing their theme song. "Are you ready for some FIVE-O? A CRIMEFIGHTIN' PARTY".

You guys won't be able to escape the mighty Bosephus train! And when it hits, "YOU'LL LOOK LIKE WILEY COYOTE! A SPLITTIN' HEADACHE PARTY!!!!"

You will even hear my song in your nightmares.

Yours truly. Hank.

Why Am I Here?

Today, your bushy-tailed reporter is feeling a little philosophical. I was just pondering the question. "What am I doing here?"

The RedSquirrel Report is mostly a news parody blog. our motto is: Gathering Up, Feasting On, And Snickering At The World's Collective Nuttiness (Since 2011).  My function is making fun of the craziness on planet Earth. Much of this involves making fun of this nation's political scene.

We all know that politicians lie constantly. We know that they are incessantly corrupt. Yet, when they yammer on to their friends in the state-run news media, we somehow forget that they are liars, and are taken in by the picture on the screen and the text on the front page.

I see my blog as a translation of what these liars actually mean when they are lying to you.

Example: President Obama introduces his 'jobs bill'. We all know that he knows absolutely nothing about the real world. We also know that he's the most dishonest, corrupt, and arrogant politician in this country's history. So, when he stands before a friendly crowd, and starts yelling, "PASS THIS BILL!", my internal translator hears, "I want $$$$$$$$ to put in my personal slush fund, and I want to shower my leftist supporters with lotsa goodies!"

But yesterday, something made me wonder if I should just give this up.

Joe Biden, the court jester in the Kingdom of Obama, made an appearance in Flint, Michigan. He practically promised the residents of that depressed city that the rape and murder rate in Flint will explode if the Obama's jobs bill isn't passed.

It was then I almost quit. With Joe Biden around to make these insane pronouncements, I sometimes wonder if there's any point in continuing this news parody blog. 

Please, President Obama. Keep this master of self-parody on as your running mate.

This Presidential Debate Has Been Sponsored By The League Of Men Voters

The Republican presidential candidates took their show to New Hampshire the other night, in a debate moderated by  Charlie Rose. Karen Tumulty and  Juliana Goldman .
Many of these these presidential debates are sponsored by The League Of Women Voters, and nearly every single question ever asked at these debates seems geared toward making young, liberal, women nod their heads and smile.

Example: "How will you lousy Republican candidates strengthen Social Security and cut my baby daddy's payroll tax, so that my daycare and health care costs can be kept under control?"

I wonder why no League Of Men Voters exists. I wish that I could see a presidential debate begin with the following words:

"Good evening. I am Megyn Kelly from Fox News. Tonight's League Of Men Voters Presidential Debate will be co-moderated by Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage, and Hugh Hewitt."