Who Would Like To See Bill Murray Host A Sunday Morning News Program?

'Nancy Pelosi is NUTS!'

Did I Miss The Rapture?

Dear RedSquirrel Report,


My name is John, and I live in South Minneapolis. Lately, I have had the feeling that The Rapture has already happened, and I must have missed it. The Christians have disappeared and I see Muslims everywhere.

At night, I take a trip to the grocery store and it seems that everyone is dressed in Muslim garb. Their women waddle up and down the aisles, and young Somalis appear to walk in packs yapping in non-English gibberish..

I watch the news, and there's that story about the welfare fraud involving the Somali daycare center. On my block they closed the Rainbow Foods next door. They also closed the Chinese cafe and the tobacco shop. It's been replaced by the 'Universal Academy  Charter School.' I guess the word 'universal' is a synonym for 'Muslim', because it's a school for Muslims.

It appears there are probably 30-40 students, and at the end of their day, 7 or 8 buses line up to take them home. When I went to school in the 1970's-1980's, you could put 30 kids on a school bus. I wonder what's going on here.

Their 'playground' is the former Rainbow Foods parking lot. Someone put up fencing, so the playground looks more like a prison yard.

On the positive side, no one's forced me to take the sign of The Beast yet. I can still buy or sell, and go to work. On the other hand, many Muslims in front of me use their EBT card, which the cashiers readily accept. When I pay in cash, the cashier holds my $20 bill up to the light. Maybe carrying cash is a suspicious thing.

Being a 'Christian' in Minneapolis means 'supporting sanctuary for illegal aliens.' I don't remember Jesus commanding his flock to do this. 

Of course, Minneapolis is ran by radical leftists, so it seems like we're governed by the Anti-Christ.

Thanks for listening. John in South Minneapolis

A Pep Talk For The Democrats

The Democrats are excited about the possibility of taking back the House of Representatives in November. Here to talk about this blue wave is a leading Democrat spokesman:

My fellow Democrats....

I want to tell you just how excited I am with talk of a 'blue wave' sweeping across America on Election Day 2018. We are poised to take back the House of Representatives, and the only real item on our agenda is the impeachment of that orange Jedi clown, Donald Trump.

There are other things to attend to. We must undo the Republican tax cuts and increase regulations on productive, greedy Americans. We must stop the building of the Trump's Wall, or risk losing millions of new Democrat voters 

Since our party have turned our backs on Black Americans in favor of illegal immigrants, we've seen the biggest drop in Black unemployment in this country's history. Of course, I give the Democrats credit for this.

My Sith lieutenant Darth Obama continues his work within the shadow government, undermining the current administration. He continues to work, using the dark side of misinformation along with CNN to confuse the public and build hate against Cheeto Head.

Our IRS and FBI stormtroopers continue to harass normal, everyday American ewoks and protect our unelected Queen Hillary.

Grand Moff Mueller is keeping Prince Manafort in our dungeon, and we hope that our prisoner gives us the needed information that will help us squash this pathetic, little rebellion against our globalist establishment.

This November, the American people will turn to the dark side, and bring an end to the reign of Prince Cheeto Head and his America-First agenda. They will DO IT, OR THEY WILL DIE!!! Thank You.

Emperor George Soros Palpatine

The #MeNeither Movement

In October 2017, the Me Too Movement exploded on the scene, and virtue-signalling victims the world over jumped on the bandwagon. People of both genders came out of their closet and claimed to be either assaulted, harassed, or looked at in a creepy way.

If you weren't a victim, chances are you are a rapey, harassing pig.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent proposes an alternative movement. I call it The #MeNeither Movement. It's my reaction to loud, extremely vocal minorities everywhere. If you want to know if you belong in this new movement, Here is my 10-point checklist:

10. Do you want to see a 'blue wave' to come on Election Day 2018? #MeNeither

 9, Do you claim special victim status based on your skin color or gender? #MeNeither

8. Are you hoping that Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller can overrturn the 2016      Presidential Election? #MeNeither

7. Do you think that confiscating guns from law-abiding citizens will deter crime? #MeNeither

6, Do big, dumb jocks influence you politically? #MeNeither

5, Do you lose sleep at night because no team has signed QB Colin Kaepernick? #MeNeither

4, Do you agree with Bernie Sanders when he says that income inequality is a TRAVESTY? #MeNeither

3. Do you agree with Nancy Pelosi when she calls tax cuts 'Armageddon'? #MeNeither

2. Do you agree with Barack Obama when he calls climate change 'America's greatest national security threat'? #MeNeither

1. Do you trust CNN to report the news fairly and accurately? #MeNeither