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FORMER MANSON FOLLOWER / KILLER VAN HOUTEN ACCEPTS UC BERKELEY PROFESSORSHIP

What Will The Minneapolis City Council Ban Next?

Our heroic Minneapolis City Council has voted to ban plastic grocery bags. They've solved all our problems, and now our cupboards will be uncluttered and unpolluted too.

Now that our liberal overlords have banned this scourge, it's time for these control freaks to ban something else. Your bushy-tailed correspondent has a source inside City Hall, and now we know what The Minneapolis City Council will ban next:

Bacon.

To a liberal, everything they like must be mandatory, and everything they don't like must be banned. Liberals are incapable of solving actual problems, so they create a crisis, and tell you they care about the imaginary crisis.

Liberals wreck economies, but because they don't know how the economy works, they will create a strange, fringy issue, such as allowing transgender weirdos into the girl's bathroom. Then, they will accuse normal people of being bigots for not allowing this activity.

But, let's get back to bacon.

Normal Americans love bacon, and that's a problem for many liberals. There's fat and cholesterol in bacon, and that's unhealthy. Liberal killjoys like Michelle Obama are opposed to fat and cholesterol, unless it's being served at The White House.

Minneapolis Mayor Betsy Hodges is always looking for ways to appeal to her Somali-Muslim voters. She dons a Muslim burqa when meeting with her supporters, and banning bacon would also please her Muslim voters. Muslims in The City of Lakes who frequent city food shelves will no longer be offended by seeing food products made of pig flesh.

This ban would also appeal to the Animal Rights crowd.

Our liberal overlords are always looking out for us. Remember to thank them when they're up for re-election in 2017.

Goodbye, American Idol

Tonight was the American Idol series finale, and your bushy-tailed correspondent already misses this fine TV show.

Come to think of it, I missed the last 9 seasons.....

THE REDSQUIRREL REPORT ENDORSES HILLARY CLINTON FOR PRESIDENT

April Fools.