If I Was Running For Congress

Debate moderator: So, candidate RedSquirrel, Why are you running for Congress?

Me: I want an ObamaCare exemption.

Assad Crosses The Line

A year ago, American dictator Barack Obama warned Syrian dictator Bashir al-Assad against using chemical or biological weapons against his enemies in Syria. Such an attack would be crossing the red line, which could result in a harsh response by the American military.

One year after our toothless leader issued this empty threat, it appears that Assad has ordered a chemical attack against scores of rebels outside of Damascus.

So, what will Obama do now? Our team of experts in International Relations believe that Dear Leader will adopt The Bugs Bunny Strategy depicted below:

We Have Obtained A Special Preview Of BHO's Speech

President Creepy will address the nation today at The National Mall in DC. This comes 50 years after Martin Luther King's I Have A Dream speech.

The RedSquirrel Report has obtained a special preview of Obama's speech to be delivered at 2:45 EST. Here are some excerpts:


It was 50 years ago when Martin Luther King stood at this very spot, and made some epic statements. He famously said that people should not be judged by the color of one's skin, but the content of one's character.

Well, Dr. King was a great leader, but he was no Messiah. Dr. King spoke well, but I have the power to take over the health-care system and order the death of an American via drone strike!

He never knew the power that I wield. I can snap my fingers, and rob taxpayers of a trillion dollars...then shower my supporters Solyndra and The Service Employees International Union with that money.

Dr. King was great, but he never had a army of corrupt, socialist crooks willing to do anything for him and a compliant media working as his personal secretary.

Dr. King was great, but he isn't THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT.

I stand here as a living testament that we have come so far, yet we STILL have so far to go. There are still some who want to stand in our way, pushing Voter ID laws, and violating our right....to vote 2,3,4....up to 10 times....

Remember, only military voters serving overseas need to be disenfranchised. None of them would ever vote for me.

Then there's that White-Hispanic George Zimmerman who violated Trayvon Martin's right to beat the hell out of him. After so much black-on-white violence that has occurred in this country in the last 5 years, It was shocking to see a non-black victim actually fight back against his black attacker. 

Only dangerous Mexican drug dealers and my personal army should have guns.

We CAN be proud of some great successes though. Abortion is legal, so my daughters Malia and Sasha will not ever be punished with a baby. We can be proud of all of the social services and entitlements available to our permanent, dependent underclass.

Because of me, America will not stand in the way of your right to taxpayer-funded sex-change operations, contraception, and abortion. Because of me, those rights are now set in stone.

My Communist father had a dream, where little black children and little white children can come together, and mindlessly chant their prayer to me....

Barack....Hussein....Obama....mmmm....mmmm....mmmm....

....and brain-dead, low-information voters can proudly wave their Obama flags. I wish that my Communist father could see what his son has done to this country.

Soon, I will forgive your college loans, as long as you agree to work for me and my gang of community organizers. It will be the only full-time job that still exists.

Thank you. That's my time. Praise Allah.

MnSure Covers Bunyan

Minnesota's ObamaCare health exchange, known as MnSure, rolled out it's $9,000,000 ad campaign last week.

It features Minnesota icons, Paul Bunyan and his pal Babe The Blue Ox. The TV commercials depict the legendary lumberjack as a accident-prone dweeb, dependent on the state for his health care. Gone is the independent, rugged persona.

Instead, they have turned him into your dependent 26-year-old child.

Nowhere is ObamaCare mentioned, and neither is the individual mandate. They fail to mention fines, penalties, lost jobs, or the unaffordability of The Affordability Care Act. The billboards scream about '10,000 reasons to enroll in MnSure'.

They don't mention that all Americans are being forced to get insurance. I guess that must be reason 10,001.

Following the roll-out of this controversial ad campaign, Minnesota bloggers started a #hashtag game on Twitter, #badmnsureadconcepts.

Here's My Top 10 Bad MnSure Ad Concepts. Actually, some of these are better than using Paul Bunyan.

10. Former stars of The American Wrestling Association fill an emergency room.

  9. Axl falls out of his tree house, and breaks a leg. Oofta.

  8. Bullwinkle and Rocky are taken into a hospital after suffering hypothermia.

  7. The Hanson Brothers from Slapshot get into a brawl, and need reconstructive surgery.

  6. Goldy, The University of Minnesota mascot, has his face pressed against the window of a neonatal care unit. He faints when he learns that he's a father of FOUR babies.

   5. The 'So I called it in' guy from Fargo describes his various maladies treated for free because of MnSure. End of story.

   4. A commercial done in the style of the classic Bob Dylan 'Subterranean Homesick Blues' video

   3. A MnSure 'navigator' tells Former Minnesota Vikings head coach Bud Grant that everything is covered, and the stone-faced coach actually smiles.

   2. Minnesota Timberwolves' mascot Crunch gets his tail caught in an escalator at The Mall of America.

   1. Joe Mauer is injured.........AGAIN???!

The Stand Against Obama

A couple weeks ago, I watched the 1994 miniseries Stephen King's "The Stand" on YouTube. As I reacquainted myself with this story, a thought came to me.

Something quite similar to this story is actually happening in America right now.

The Stand begins, as a weaponized type of the superflu escapes from a government lab in California. An infected guard tries to take his family away from the danger, but they die somewhere in West Texas.

The super-influenza goes by the name of Captain Trips, and it spreads quickly, killing almost everybody.

Survivors immune to the sickness begin having strange dreams of a very old black woman named Mother Abigail. She sits on her porch in Nebraska and tells each dreamer to come to her, and to avoid the evil man in the cornfield.

These characters, from New York City and Texas, and many places in between, make their way to Mother Abigail's house. They come together, and discover the meaning of their dream.

They have been brought together to make A Stand against the evil one named Randall Flagg.

To me, this story has become the story of the modern Right. Author Stephen King would definitely laugh at my explanation. He is a lib who once referred to Glenn Beck as 'Satan's retarded brother.'

But still, the Mother Abigail character reminds me of The Right's spiritual magnet, Sarah Palin. Randall Flagg reminds me of Barack Obama.

The Right loves Sarah Palin. Tough, conservative guys, everyday Tea Party people, as well as leather-clad bikers love her. Just as is the case in The Stand, many on Team Good keep the faith, while some lose theirs.

Some of the less-faithful characters in The Stand remind me of establishment Republicans, or RINOS. They talk a good game while running for office, but then they are corrupted by DC. Real champions resist corruption and thrive even after they are ridiculed by the state-run media.

Meanwhile, Obama Flagg rules with fear and intimidation. His followers are a dependent and criminal mob of low-information voters, who are easily corrupted. Obama Flagg seduces and deceives his underlings as he runs their lives.

In 2014, we have an opportunity to make our stand against Obama and his Democrat friends in Congress. The mid-term elections are coming, and we can break his power if we keep the faith.

Dear President Obama: America Apologizes For The Rodeo Clown

Imagine the culture shock our Commander-in-Chief must have experienced when he watched rodeo clown Tuffy Gessling playfully wearing his Obama mask as part of his show with a 1,200 pound bull.

There are no rodeos in inner-city Chicago or Indonesia. There's plenty of inner-city violence and dog-eating, but no rodeos.

The rodeo clown was only entertaining the crowd at The Missouri State Fair, but The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People saw it as an incitement to violence against The President, calling on The Department of Justice AND The Secret Service to investigate this matter.

Maybe the DOJ should also charge the rodeo clown with violating the president's civil rights. In ObamaLand, up is down and down is up.

Nobody told Gessling that you are not supposed to make fun of Dear Leader. You are supposed to sit still, faint, and worship him and his stream of unicorn fart, big-government platitudes.

The Messiah is above the rest of us. All together now....Barack Hussein Obama....mmmm....mmmm.....mmmm.....

It's perfectly proper for Barry and his gang of ruthless corruptocrats to herd us around, spy on us, ignore the rule of law, and rob us of our liberties, but we are never, ever allowed to make fun of Dear Leader.

It used to be a rodeo tradition for clowns to wear presidential masks. In fact, until quite recently, Americans were free to make fun of their politicians in a host of ways. You can't blame Obama for not knowing this, because he might not be from around here.

Following the discovery of this photo of the clown and his Obama mask, our rodeo clown was banned from The Missouri State Fair. I guess in this economy, no job is safe. All the clowns in the state of Missouri have been ordered to attend Sensitivity Training Classes to make sure that no one makes fun of Obama (or any future black presidents) again.

Obama is at odds with our rugged, unique, American culture. He has probably spent so much time going from classroom to another classroom to another classroom, learning all he has ever known from Communist teachers and professors, that he might not have ever been on a field trip to a milk pasteurizing plant or have ever seen a privately-owned farm.

It was really insensitive for Mr. Gessling to make fun of our almost God-like leader. In fact, it borders in heresy. In Obama's America, only Catholics, Christians, Jews, and Mormons are supposed to be made fun of.

We apologize, Mr. President. We are truly sorry.

The Minnesota State Fair Begins On Thursday

Good news! Michelle Obama hasn't ordered the concessionaires to replace all the fried foods-on-a-stick with healthy rabbit food. It is still o.k. to enjoy your visit.

What Will The Minnesota State Legislature Unionize Next?

If you're a small-business owner, the Democrat-led Minnesota State Legislature is turning the state of 10,000 taxes into an environment hostile to your workplace. The unionistas have the best legislature their money can buy, and now they want to force daycare providers, many of whom work for themselves, to become state employees. On May 24, our esteemed Governor Mark Dayton signed S.F. 778, which begins the process of unionization.

The providers will vote, and if the majority vote yes to a union, their profession will be represented by AFSCME. Union membership is at an all-time low, and yet that will not stop these bullies from looking for ways to force people to become unwilling campaign contributors to the Democrats. They use the term 'union dues', but a more descriptive term would be 'job ransom'. Just look at what they have done to the teaching profession.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent wonders who will the Democrats and their allies try to unionize next.

If your child owns a lemonade stand, will bullies with purple t-shirts threaten you and your family if that child doesn't pay 'lemonade stand union dues'?

You tell your 13-year-old to mow the lawn. He responds by calling the local union representative.

Yeah, these are ridiculous examples, but have you ever noticed that when we talk about liberals and their lust for power and other people's money, how often the ridiculous becomes the reality?

It's A Hellish 80 Degrees In Minneapolis

Your bushy-tailed correspondent isn't a big fan of Summer, but the weather here in Minneapolis has been mighty delightful. For much of July and August, the temperatures have been below normal, yet the global climate change fanatics keep spouting their weird, always-changing gospel.

 

 

Like I'm supposed to stop lovin' this weather and surrender my freedom and life style to these weirdos.

We're supposed to stop enjoying life, and cry out, 'SAVE US, AL GORE!! IT'S A HELLISH 80 DEGREES!! TONIGHT'S FORECAST IS A PERFECT 60 DEGREES WITH A SLIGHT, DELIGHTFUL BREEZE FROM THE NORTH!!!

THIS IS SHEER TORTURE!! MAYBE AFTER OBAMA LOWERS THE SEA LEVELS, HE CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THESE PERFECT TEMPS!'

IN YOUR FACE, MINNESOTA SOCIAL CONSERVATIVES!

Last week, same-sex marriage became legal in the state of Minnesota. On August 1, Mayor RT Rybak officiated 40(!) same-sex ceremonies.

We get it, RT. You really, really, really, really, really like gays.

KARE11NEWS featured happy same-sex couples trading vows. Male couples stood before friends and family, and pressed their yucky man-lips together.

It seemed like the folks at KARE11NEWS were in on the celebration while they were doing the report. Maybe the reporter caught the bouquet.

I don't know if I was being informed, or if they were somehow trying to CONDITION me:

Listen up, you old-fashioned, bible-thumping bigot. You better get your mind right, because SAME-SEX MARRIAGE IS THE LAW! REPEAT AFTER ME! SAME-SEX MARRIAGE IS THE LAW!!!

I remember when 70% of the voters in my state did NOT support same-sex marriage (This was just last year). I didn't know that my belief in traditional marriage made me a knuckle-dragging bigot.

I listened to Mitch Berg on 1280 The Patriot on Saturday, and he spoke about that photo of the huge rainbow flag eclipsing St. Paul's Cathedral. To me, that photo suggests that some activists on the other side of this issue may be taunting us:

WE WIN! IN YOUR FACE, MINNESOTA SOCIAL CONSERVATIVES!

I'm So Glad The Minnesota Legislature Raised The Cigarette Tax

The majority in the Minnesota State Legislature and their leader, Governor Mark Dayton, told us that they wanted to raise taxes on the richest Minnesotans.

They raised taxes on cigarettes.

I'm so glad they did this, because everybody knows that only rich people smoke. (cue rimshot)

Some Exciting News For You Limbaugh Haters

Your bushy-tailed media analyst has some exciting news for all you Limbaugh haters out there. On Monday, Cumulus Media announced that they have fired conservative radio bomb-throwers Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.

On Tuesday, Limbaugh was spotted with a black magic marker, making a Will Broadcast For Food sign. As he left the building where he broadcasted his radio show, he was seen crying. With his pants around his ankles, he carried some keepsakes from the show as he slowly walked out the door.

I don't need anything, just my golden EIB microphone.....and this stapler........and this paperweight...................and this chair......

It looks like the geniuses at #StopRush has triumphed over their hated foe. President Barack Obama has personally foreclosed on Limbaugh's Miami home.



As for Hannity, Cumulus security forcibly escorted the wild-eyed right-winger out of the studio where he did his radio show. Office workers watched as he was seen kicking and screaming, before he was unceremoniously tossed onto the sidewalk. He was last seen shaking his fist and walking away.

He will have to live paycheck-to-paycheck, with only his program on FOX NEWS to pay the bills.

Hannity was last seen on Monday at a local grocery store, buying Top Ramen Noodles and several boxes of generic macaroni and cheese.



(Note: Today begins the 26th year of Rush Limbaugh's Excellence In Broadcasting. On August 1, 1988, Limbaugh began 25 years of national radio domination.

The left keeps predicting his demise, and he keeps proving them wrong.

We hope that he's around until 'everybody agrees with him.')