A Message From DHS Director Janet Napolitano

From time to time, it's important for our government officials to report to the American people. Today, we are pleased to welcome this message from Department of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano. Hit it, Big Sis:

Thank you, RedSquirrel. As you know, it has been a very tough week for The Obama Administration. There was the Boston Marathon Bombing and the fruitless search for Tea Party suspects. Then, there was the Ricin letter scare. We thought that Paul Kevin Curtis was a Republican, but he was a registered Democrat, so we had to release him.

Oh, and then there was the horrific explosion near Waco, Texas.

DHS tried it's darndest to produce a suspect that would satisfy the state-run media's hopes and dreams to extinguish and criminalize the dreaded Tea Party, but those two Chechen idiots had to kill the cop at MIT, hijack that car, and go throwing grenades at those police officers.

I apologize to Salon's David Sirota. The Tsarnaev brothers made him look like a real dumb ass.

On the positive side, everyone in Beantown stayed indoors when we ordered that city-wide lock-down. After my boss gets his amnesty for illegal criminal aliens signed, the American people will NEVER want to leave their houses again.

Yes, the families who lost loved ones in those bomb blasts in Beantown are probably hurting almost as much as President Obama is since the Senate shot down his background check proposal last Wednesday.

I just hope that the American people don't catch on to the fact that we're trying to get Osama bin Laden's kid out of the country.

One last thing. If you see anybody with pastry shaped like a gun, Christians trying to spread their faith, or anyone engaging in patriotic behavior, call my office.

Thank you.

Janet Napolitano, Director of Homeland Security

Our Expert Takes The State-Run Media Back To School

This week, The American people saw CNN's Wolf Blitzer and the state-run media wildly speculate about the ethnic and political background of the Boston Marathon Bombers. Salon writer David Sirota actually hoped that the bombers were white. The character of America was assaulted by the left-wing, as they heaped baseless accusations against taxpayers, patriots, and Christians.

We here at The RedSquirrel Report believe in airing all views, and so we invited our own expert to share some of his views regarding the news events of this week. Joining us is Professor Marcus F.Turgeson, Professor of History, Grand Lakes University, Welcome:

Thanks RedSquirrel.

I view history as being sacred, just like a farmer holds the soil sacred.  I value truth in the same way, so I would like to just comment on the mainstream media and their coverage this week.

America was attacked on April 15, and the smirking cable and network news organizations accused other Americans of perpetrating this evil, cowardly act. Wolf Blitzer said that could have been The Tea Party. As it turns out, the bombing was apparently committed by two brothers from Chechnya. They were Muslim.

YOU JACK-ASSES!! REAL AMERICANS TOOK OFF THEIR SHIRTS TO HELP THE BLEEDING AND BROKEN . THEY WERE THE MEN WHO HUNTED THE TERRORISTS DOWN. THAT'S AMERICA! NOT YOU UNHINGED, LEFTIST HACKS WHO SIT IN YOUR STUDIO, SMUGLY SPOUTING YOUR IDIOTIC, FALSE ACCUSATIONS.

TO MOST AMERICANS, THE RACE AND CREED OF THE PERPS WASN'T AS IMPORTANT AS  YOU TRIED TO MAKE IT. MOST AMERICANS SAW SOMETHING TERRIBLE, AND SO THEY CRIED AND PRAYED. THEY DIDN'T GRIN, AND SAY, "I'LL BET IT WAS ONE OF THOSE RIGHT-WINGER TEA PARTY PEOPLE!"

THEN THERE'S THAT PENCIL-NECKED DOUCHE DAVID SIROTA, WHO ACTUALLY HOPED THAT THE PERPS WERE WHITE! YOU ARE SICK, PAL! YOU NEED HELP!!

ONCE AGAIN, THE STATE-RUN MEDIA HAS MALICIOUSLY SPREAD DISINFORMATION AGAINST DECENT, NORMAL AMERICANS. THEY WERE NOT ONLY DEAD-WRONG, THEY ARE ENGAGED IN THE WORST, MOST DISHONEST PROPAGANDA! 

ADMIT IT! SAY IT! SAY IT! OWWW-OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

Ashley Judd Won't Run For Senate: Republicans Hardest Hit

Your bushy-tailed correspondent still hasn't gotten over the terrible news. Kooky actress Ashley Judd has decided to not run against Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell in 2014. Your bushy-tailed correspondent would have had alot of fun covering this race.

As you probably know, the actress has expressed many highly interesting views. For instance, she believes that breeding in 'unconscionable'. She also thinks it is awful that Dads give their daughters away in marriage, and that mining for coal is similar to rape.

A few weeks ago, Democrat activists illegally taped a Team McConnell strategy session. The strategists were discussing how to attack the potential candidate. In the world of politics, that's called opposition research. 

Of course, the state-run media said almost nothing about the illegality of taping or bugging your opponents. Instead, they concentrated on the things these Republican meanies had said about the unhinged actress. How dare McConnell and his team use Ashley Judd's own words against her?

Ashley Judd has a history a mental health issues. To the state-run media and Democrats in general, that's a resume enhancer.

Leftist Buffoons Hate Profiling Unless They Are The Ones Doing The Profiling

On Monday, two bombs ripped the finishing line of The Boston Marathon. The authorities hadn't even had time to contact the families of the dead, when CNN's very own Wolf Blitzer speculated that the perp was probably someone associated with that ultra-violent death cult, The Tea Party.

Wolfy exists in an imaginary world where conservatives who dare question their government is as dangerous as The Weather Underground or Al Qaeda.

CNN National Security expert Peter Bergin also lives in the same alternative universe, speculating that a 'right-wing extremist' might be the culprit.

Our wacky friends on the left also noted that this attack happened on April 15 (Tax Day). It was also (gasp!) Patriot Day. In Obama's America, after you law-abiding, patriotic Americans are fleeced by the government, you'll be accused of horrible crimes by his state-run media ghouls. You didn't build that. You just blew it up.

As conservatives prayed for the victims, media leftists accused Patriots, tax-payers, The Tea Party, and right-wing Timothy McVeigh wannabees of being possible suspects of The Boston Marathon Bombing. They really hate profiling unless they are the ones doing it. This week, the leftists are desperately looking for a white, conservative, Christian that they can accuse of this horrible crime.

Loony leftist David Sirota (pictured), a writer at Salon, wrote a piece where he HOPED that the perp was a WHITE AMERICAN. He feared that if the perp was Al Qaeda, someone dark in color or Weather Underground, that would set back Obama's leftist agenda.

Alright, Davey, get up off your knees. You're embarrassing yourself.

On Wednesday, the idiocy that passes for news took an even MORE ridiculous turn, as CNN told America that the authorities had a suspect in custody, then retracted the story. Saudi national Abdul Rahman Ali Alharbi was named as a suspect, but then it was announced that he was being deported on 'national security grounds.'

Meanwhile, Obama ally and ACTUAL commie terrorist William Ayers enjoys life in academia.

Bizarro Elvis Sends A Letter To The President

On the evening of December 21, 1970, music legend Elvis Presley left Graceland, and took a red-eye to Washington DC. During the flight, he composed a letter to President Richard Nixon.

Presley wanted to be appointed a DEA Agent-at-Large. He felt trapped by stardom, and wanted to help the government fight it's war on illegal drugs. The King of Rock And Roll felt that he was put on Earth to make the world a better place.

He got his meeting with The President.

Turn the page. It's April 17, 2013, and Elvis impersonator Paul Kevin Curtis (pictured) has dropped a letter filled with the deadly toxin Ricin into a mail box. The letter is addressed to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Curtis also sends a Ricin-laced letter to Mississippi Republican Senator Paul Wicker.

Suspicious Minds at The Federal Bureau of Investigation intercepted and traced the letters back to Curtis. Following all the insane news of the week, many Americans are All Shook Up.

Now, it looks like Curtis, a conspiracy theorist, will soon be doing The Jailhouse Rock.

A Newsletter From The Director Of Parks And Recreation

As Winter winds down, I look back and have some very fond memories of the last three months....

On the day of Rand Paul's terrific, inspiring filibuster, I realized that our Senator Al Franken would have been right there if it wasn't for that incredible blizzard that stopped Washington in it's tracks.

Fortunately, District of Columbia police sent a St. Bernard with a barrel of brandy tied around his neck to look for Minnesota's Junior Senator.

The Minnesota Organization of Bloggers held it's Winter Carnival, with King Mitchberg presiding. Mayor Dilettante officiated our Conservative versus Liberal football game in the snow. The Liberals gave it all they had, but lost 0-327.

As The Director of Parks and Recreation, it was my responsibility to hide the official MOB Winter Carnival Medallion. It would've gone without a hitch, but I forgot where I hid it. I promise to not make that mistake again NEXT year.

All in all, our Winter Carnival was a smashing success.

Now, on to a serious matter concerning some questions relating to the sequester. I have received many calls from bloggers across the state, asking if we will be in any way affected.

Be assured that our parks will remain open for everyone to enjoy.

Having said that, I advise everybody to stay tuned. We have some very exciting events coming up in The Spring.



J. RedSquirrel, Director of Parks and Recreation.

Sequester Soul Night At The White House

On Tuesday Night, President Creepy took a break from deliberately harming America, and threw a big, glitzy gala, complete with lots of soul music.

Invited were Justin Timberlake, Al Green, and Sam and Dave.....Sam Donaldson and David Gregory (decked out like The Blues Brothers). They performed the classic "Soul Man."

Justin Timberlake dedicated "Bye Bye Bye", a big hit from 1999 for his former boy band NSync, to all of the Americans who said "bye bye bye" to their jobs because of Obamacare.

At one point, The Reverend Al Green shouted,"TESTIFY!!" Upon hearing this, Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said to a woman seated next to her "I can't. I have a concussion."

As for your bushy-tailed correspondent, I think that Obama should have used this gala to help Debbie Wasserman Schultz's starving congressional staffers. They were really hit so hard by sequester.

Meanwhile, everyday Americans who have had enough of Our Kenyan Dictator, are watching the news, and thinking "Mr. Big Stuff, Who do you think you are?"

Unfortunately, due to President Creepy's awful economic policies, many Americans are sitting at home looking through the Want Ads.

Critic's Corner With Gerald Snotley

film critic Gerald Snotley

A 6th grade field trip is absolutely ruined when an Islamo-Marxist creep closes the White House to tours in the thrilling "Olympus Is Closed"

Of course, It's Those evil Republican's fault. They should have agreed to those tax hikes.

"Olympus Is Closed" is just one of the films I will be reviewing this week. Hi, I am movie and arts critic Gerald Snotley.

As a leftist Obot Ghoul, I give Barack Obama high marks for closing down The White House to those screaming brats, and also for sticking it to those evil right-wing Republicans. I give Our Dear Leader a big "Thumbs up."


Next, a very scary woman named Valerie Jarrett looks into a mirror, and repeats the word "EYE-CANDYMAN" six times, and conjures forth an evil presence. The American people elect him PRESIDENT.

This guy is wonderfully narcissistic. He wrecks the economy, brags about destroying the coal industry, sells guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers, then appears on "The View", where he wins over the swooning female hosts. He refers to himself as EYE-CANDYMAN. 

He and his jet-setting family fly to exclusive vacation spots, while he makes the American people suffer under sequester cuts. He's emotionally detached, appearing downright bored with the pain he creates.

He's INCREDIBLY, INSUFFERABLY CREEPY. I LOVE HIM!

At the same time, he is a master of deception. He holds the state-run media under his spell, like Renfeld to his Dracula. They are his robots, satisfied with helping him get away WITH MURDER.

If only I had three thumbs.

The Life Of Julio

We all laughed at Team Obama last April as he rolled out the ridiculous The Life Of Julia, the cradle-to-grave slideshow that describes how Obama (and only Obama) makes a faceless woman's life better.

Note: In The Life Of Julia, Obama is the President for about 70 years. They must have done away with that pesky Constitutional Amendment limiting a President to two terms.

Almost immediately after Team Obama introduced this laughable, completely dependent nobody to the voters of America, the embarrassed Obama campaign banished her to The Island of Misfit Political Campaign Mascots. She was no longer helpful to Obama, so they had to get rid of her.

While we're having this debate concerning illegal immigration, I suggest that we revisit and tweak Obama's idea. Dear readers, I introduce something I call The Life Of Julio.

Here we go: 


Age 3- Julio's Dad and Mom sneak across the border. They show total disregard for our laws.

Age 20-Julio, along with hundreds of thousands of other illegal aliens, drive many hospitals into bankruptcy abusing our health care system. Julio works for a ridiculously low wage, but can't go to the authorities because Julio is in the country illegally.

Age 29-Julio is arrested and incarcerated when American authorities learn he's in the country illegally. Obama releases Julio as part of sequester, and Julio rapes and murders a woman. That outta teach those evil Republicans to mess with Obama.

Age 33-Julio is put in the back of a van, and a man with a purple t-shirt tells Julio to vote for Obama.  The man tells Julio that he better do what he's told, or face deportation.

Age 40-Thanks to our wonderful President, illegal aliens have taken back Aztlan for La Raza. Julio makes a fortune selling drugs, and he buys guns from Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder. Julio is The Man.

Finally, at Age 50-Obama campaigns for Julio, and Julio is elected Governor of Western Aztlan (formerly called California).

What Should We Do With Kim Jong Un?

It looks like North Korean Dictator Kim Jr. is threatening to nuke America, and I imagine that President Obama is thinking about scheduling ANOTHER play-date with Dennis Rodman and the little psycho.

How old is this kid? Maybe we should invite him over, and let him loose at Toys R Us, or let him have his next birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese.

When Un's dad Ill was alive, he would start making threats, then we would give him foreign aid. I wonder if this kid is just throwing a tantrum. I don't know if we should nuke him or ground him.

What Sequester?

As President Creepy tries his best to make this sequester as painful as possible for the American people, he sends his jet-setting daughters on world-class vacays to The Bahamas and skiing in Idaho. This family has already racked up an impressive five vacations this year.

So, I propose a new reality TV show, "Lifestyles of the Spoiled and Privileged-Starring The Obamas". The producers of this show can do a little side-by-side comparison between how the royal Kenyans live their lives and how normal Americans live. Now that could be downright repulsive.

The viewers can also learn about how Our Dear Leader and his party approved $800,000 to study the sex lives of snails, as they closed down The White House to visitors. We can also watch as Obama demagogue legal gun owners, as he GIVES The Muslim Brotherhood 200 f-16 fighter jets.

It appears that if you are UNLIKELY to support Mr. Obama, then you are punished with sequester cuts, and if you're a supporter, a crony, or if you submit to the lure of easy welfare, then you're in like Flynn.

Meanwhile, Obama is throwing another big, star-studded White House party next week. Are you on the guest list?