Counterpoint With Sister Mary Bloodyknuckles

YES!!!!!!erday, Georgetown Law student and 'reproductive rights activist'  Sandra Fluke outraged America with her wacky testimony before the House Democratic Steering and Policy Committee.

The smirking law student said that 40% of the female students at Georgetown Law School struggle financially because contraception isn't included in their student insurance policy. She went on to say that a female student pays about $3,000 for contraception during a three year stint.

Ms. Fluke, a student at the Catholic-ran university, said that the Obama Administratration's contraception mandate should stand. She added:

"We refuse to pick between quality education and our health, and we RESENT that, in the 21st century, anyone thinks that it's acceptable to ask us to make that choice simply because we are women".

We here at The RedSquirrel Report believe in giving equal time to opposing views. So, we thought that we would invite a representative from the Catholic Church to share her opinion on this important matter. I present Sister Mary Bloodyknuckles. The floor is yours.

Thank you, RedSquirrel. Mother Mary, full of grace

Little Sandy Fluke and her little slutty girlfriends are having trouble bearing the burden of having to pay for their recreational sex habit like slutty crack-whores from Hell. This crazed rabbit wants somebody else to pay for her contraception. Her parents should be slapped silly.


Put yer slutty little hands on the desk, so I can smack 'em good n' bloody, you out-of-control, socialist skank!


If you do the math, our prim young Ms. Fluke must fornicate about 3-4 times everyday, if she's actually demanding $3,000 for contraception over three years. What in Heaven's name are they teaching you at that school? Oh right, she wants to be a lawyer.


How in the world do you find the time for classes, work, and whoring around 3-4 times a day? Now I know why the stainmaster himself Bill Clinton went to Georgtown. Someone should erect some golden arches in front of the college, with a sign that reads, 'Over 40,000,000 Screwed'....

I thought I told you to put your hands on the desk!

I'm sorry.  Our Father, who art in heaven..... "

The RedSquirrel Report Celebrates Diversity Of Incomes

You bushy-tailed correspondent was listening to The Dennis Miller Show the other night on 1280 The Patriot, when I heard a caller make a terrific point.

I'm paraphrasing here, but what he suggested was that these egalitarian libs who are the first to celebrate diversity (skin color, sexual orientation, ect.) also believe that the government should equalize incomes.

The caller said that real diversity should also include income disparity, or diversity of incomes.

We here at The RedSquirrel Report celebrate diversity of incomes, and salute those brilliant, faceless people who call into conservative talk radio programs.

Sal......uuuuuute!

The First Meeting At Parks And Recreation

Feb 27, 2012

Among the attendees are Director J. RedSquirrel
and Board Members Crystal K and Cindy Pugh.
8:00-
Director of Parks and Recreation J. RedSquirrel calls the meeting to order, and moves to thank Board Member Crystal K for bringing the scrumptious ice cream cake. Everyone seconds the motion.

8:03-
First item on tonight's agenda. NARN hosts Mitch Berg and Ed Morrissey have a concern. Their favorite teeter-totter is in disrepair, so Director RedSquirrel moves that we send our guy to repair it on Tuesday morning. Everyone votes in the affirmative.

8:05-
John "Master of Sausages" Stewart proposes an annual sausage race around Lake Calhoun for the Fourth of July festivities. Director RedSquirrel expresses interest, noting that a sausage race is a terrific way of celebrating this county's independence.

But, will need to consult with Mayor D. as to whether the M.O.B. community has the money in the budget for a sausage race AND a fireworks display.

8:17-
We adjourn the meeting, and finish our cake.


(Note: If you have any concerns or suggestions relating to Parks and Recreation, please post a comment in the space below to send us your ideas. We would love to hear from you.)

J. RedSquirrel
Director of Parks and Recreation/
Mayor M. Dilettante
Office of The Mayor of the Minnesota Organization of Blogger's

Is America Under Satanic Attack?

In 2008, Presidential candidate Rick Santorum expressed his concern that Satan is attacking America. Speaking at Ava Maria College, the former Senator Said:

"Satan has his sights on the United States of America.. He (Satan) is attacking the great institutions of America, using those great vices


                                                of pride,


















vanity,

                                          and sensuality













 as the root to attack all of the strong plants that has so deeply rooted in the American Tradition.

This is a spiritual war, and the father of lies

has his sights on what you would think the father of lies would have his sights on. A good, decent, powerful, influential country-The United States of America.

If you were Satan,who would you attack in this day and age?"

I Think I've Have Had Enough Of These Obama Emails

In September, I gave AttackWatch.com my email address and turned myself in. Barry and company has rewarded me with dozens and dozens of stupid emails, most of which are requests for campaign donations. I, in turn, use some of these emails as fodder for The RedSquirrel Report, as I ridicule our little dictator.

I'm thinking about ending this charade.

Do you think that I should just come clean, and tell The Regime that I''ll never donate to the Obama campaign (and that I despise his communistic guts),  or keep receiving these ridiculous emails?

Does anybody find this entertaining?  I'm tempted to answer the email sent by our 'friend'  Rufus in the following way(s):

"What's one thing that would inspire you to donate to the Obama campaign?"

I'm tempted to write, "Those fraudulent thieves at Solyndra who helped you launder all that taxpayer's money that made it to your campaign inspire me. Can I be a crony, too?"

"What best describes your attitude? Other (Please specify):

I'm tempted to write, "When I see or hear you, I have to turn the channel.  I'm tempted to throw my TV out of the window when I hear your insufferable arrogance, demagoguery and dishonesty"..........OR,

"Hey, dumb-a$$....Check out my friggin' blog, and find out what my attitude is at http://theredsquirrelreport.blogspot.com".

We Interrupt This Donation Request To Ask You Why You Haven't Donated Yet

Today, I just got this from Rufus Gifford, National Finance Director, Obama For America.

Friend--

As you may have noticed, we've asked you for a donation a few times now.

But according to our records, you haven't made an online donation to this campaign at this email address.(If our records are wrong, I apologize and thank you).

I'm not writing to ask you for money again. I'm actually writing to ask for your opinion about why you haven't given, and what you think would inspire you or other Obama supporters like you to decide to take the leap and donate.

We have two quick questions for you. Can you take a minute to answer them?

Then, I get this:

Which best describes your attitude?(fill a circle)
I plan to donate to President Obama's campaign in the next few months
I plan to donate after a GOP nominee is selected
I plan to donate in the last few months of the campaign
I do not plan to donate
I have already donated to the President's 2012 campaign
Other (Please specify)--------------------------------------

If other(Please specify)--------------------------------------

What's one thing that would inspire you to donate to the Obama Campaign?

Later, the letter finally ends:

It's also the reason no other campaign has been able to match our level of grassroots support. This isn't the easiest way to run a campaign-but we know it's the right way.

That's why we want to know what you're thinking.

Please take a minute to answer these questions today:

http://my.barackobama.com/Your.Support.In.2012

Thanks so much, Rufus

Rufus Gifford
National Finance Director
Obama For America

P.S.-Of course,if you like to become one of our million-plus grassroots donors today, by all means, please make a donation of $3, or whatever you can afford.

It's About Time We Executed This Guy

The Great Satan, also known as The United States of America, will execute yet ANOTHER practitioner of the religion of peace this week.

This is Ahmed El-Shaboom (pictured here). He was arrested unjustly by the infidels, and is scheduled to be beheaded by the eeeevil Americans.

El-Shaboom is accused of burning a Bible, which touch off several riots by angry Prebyterians in a northern Twin Cities suburb. As everyone knows, Muslims in America have no civil rights, and are routinely burned out of their mosques.

Oh, this just in. This is not Ahmed EL-Shaboom. This is a young Christian Pastor named Youcef Nadarkhani. Last week, an Iranian court has condemned him for apostacy. If he refuses to recant his Christian faith, he faces imminent execution.

A Letter From Archie In Queens, N.Y.

The RedSquirrel Report is closley following the recent developments in Afghanistan.

Recently, some of our people in the Armed Services burned some copies of the Quran that had messages inside. These messages were meant to incite and mobilize jihadists to kill ISAF Forces and Afghan security forces. Upon learning that these Qurans were burned, the locals rioted, and killed two of our soldiers.

Subsequently, our little dictator sent a letter of apology to Afghan President Hamid Karzai.

Which brings us to this letter, sent to us from Archie in The Queens, N.Y. It reads:

"Dear RedSquirrel Readers,

As you probably know, the Middle East has erupted in violence yet again. These Muslim meatheads got their dirty undies all in a bunch because some of our boys burned some Korans that had some real bad messages tucked inside.

It's always something wit' those people. Some guy draws a funny picture of their prophet, Mo', and they gotta go an' issue a fatwa or something.

Well, speaking on behalf of all us regular Americans, as well as many spics, mickies, hebes, wops, and a few homos, I wanna tell you Moslem meat heads, 'STIFLE IT!'

Then, we got this mulatto jack-A$$ in the White House, apologizing for this great country. This is just sick.

Well, that's all for now. Thanks.

your pal. Archie in The Queens, N.Y., U.S.A."

Moo Means No

In December, the Democrat-controlled Senate repealed the ban on the sodomy (unnatural carnal copulation) AND bestiality (intercourse with animals) article from The Uniform Code of Military Justice.

They haven't passed a budget in three years, but found the time to remove the ban against human on animal rape in the military. I hope the Senate was just being their usually stupid, criminally inept selves.

What the hell is wrong with these people? I see Majority Leader Harry Reid, and wonder if he even knows where he is.

When it comes to this Senate (Did I tell you the Dems run the joint?), nothing surprises me anymore. After all, the Democrats passed ObamaCare, the most freedom-robbing, abominable pieces of legislation in the history of our republic. Do we want this group of people to have this much power over us?

Apparently, they haven't yet got the memo that says 'moo means no'.

But while we think of all the ways the American people are screwed over by this corrupt body, we should stop our constant griping for just a moment, and think about our poor animal friends.

(note: I got the title of this post from something I heard on The KQRS Morning Show. Thanks.)

Mitt Must've Wanted Some Elbow Room

On Friday, GOP Presidential candidate Mitt Romney rented the spacious digs of the 65,000-seat Ford Field, the home of the NFL's Detroit Lions, to detail his economic plan for America.

What he got was a public relations blooper reel, with press photographers taking photos of a near-empty football stadium.

As it turned out, only 1,600 people came. Usually, it's impressive when someone speaks in front of almost 2,000 people. But, when you rent out a football stadium, and there are over 60,000 unoccupied seats, AND you can almost fit your entire audience in one of the end zones, you need to ask your advance people:

"Now, what were we thinking?"

Did he think that everyone in this dying city would leave it's spot in the welfare line to see a white Republican? One of Romney's advance people should have seen this coming, and maybe should have rented a ballroom at the nearby convention center.

Out of a population of 951,270, 81.55% of the residents of Detroit are black. One-third of the residents live below the poverty line. Many of it's people have been turned into wards of the state, thanks to the Democrats who have ruined this once-great city.

This welfare Mecca is just wild over Obama.

They are not inclined to fill a football stadium for a conspicuously wealthy, white Republican Presidential candidate.

This candidate has famously said (some would say infamously said) that he likes to fire people who are inept or unproductive. He might want to fire whoever hatched this ridiculous idea.

Joe The Cartoonist's MN. Photo ID Report

Dan McGrath, Director of TakeAction Minnesota, is a leading opponent of that state's proposed Voter ID law. He's fighting on behalf of African-Americans, the poor, all the victims of society, and Grandma. He believes in puppies, and that the dead shouldn't be denied their right to vote.

The former community organizer for the Service Employment International Union makes the startling claim that the 1% (bankers) are behind the push to require a photo ID to vote in Minnesota.

32 other states require some form of ID. Our reporter was surprised to find out that the United States was such a hopelessly racist, heartless country.

We decided to confront some of these racist bankers, and ask them why do they want to deny African-Americans, the indigent, and the elderly their right to vote.

First, we confronted Todd Steinberg, outside his downtown workplace. This wealthy banker told us that if the blacks, the felons, the homeless, and the elderly are allowed to vote, then his dream of robbing America blind will be foiled.

Next, we spoke to corporate raider Moshe Goldfarb of Dain Bainforth Inc. in his highrise office. As three protesters banged on drums below his window, he told us that during an average 16-hour workday, he dedicates 5-6 hours every day concentrating on his voter-suppression efforts.

"Buying Republican State Legislators is a full-time job", said Goldfarb.

Then, we confronted Dan McGrath's nemesis, Executive Director of Minnesota Majority, (also named) Dan McGrath. When he's not robbing the poor, the black, the felon, the dead, and the elderly, of their right to vote, he creates racially-insensitive on-line banners, insulting his victims.

"Doing the 1%'s bidding is my dream come true," says the villainous conservative activist.

Finally, I asked him if this proposed law is about improving the integrity of Minnesota's election system. He smiled, bearing his fangs:

"Integrity shmintegrity. Since it looks like we'll never get to pass Jim Crow 2 anytime soon, Minnesota Voter ID is the next best thing".

This Just In: 70 Is More Than 30

On Shot In The Dark Blog, Mitch Berg reminds us that there are some who will believe the lie that most Minnesotans oppose the proposed Minnesota Voter ID law.

But according to Survey U.S.A., 70% of the state support this law. Where I come from, that's called a majority.

In who's universe is 30 more than 70? TakeAction Minnesota's universe.

If we learn that 30 is more than 70, we at The RedSquirrel Report will let you know.

Iron Maiden's Mascot Remains Uncommitted

Last week, Dave Mustaine's big non-endorsement of Presidential candidate Rick Santorum made the world shrug it's shoulders. Then, Megadeth's power mad mascot Vic Rattlehead announced his endorsement of President Barack Obama.


This week, The RedSquirrel Report went to England, where we asked another famous face who HE endorses for president.

In this Worldwide RedSquirrel Report exclusive, We asked Iron Maiden's Eddie The Head for his thoughts on the 2012 election:

"Blimey....I'm not an American citizen, and I'm actually a dead person. I guess that's why ACORN keeps asking me if I'm registered to vote"....

Megadeth Mascot Endorses Obama

Last week, thrash metal pioneer Dave Mustaine appeared to have endorsed the Presidential candidacy of former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. The Megadeth guitarist/vocalist had harsh words for President Obama, as well as Santorum's GOP rivals.

But in a new development, Megadeth's band mascot, Vic Rattlehead, has shot back at Mustaine. In a tersely-worded statement, he announced:

Mr. Mustaine does not speak for the band, or for Megadeth, Inc.

As the public face of Megadeth (appearing on almost all of their album covers) I announce my endorsement of President Barack Obama's re-election. There should be no question as to who is winning my support in 2012. Like nearly all Obama supporters, I am deaf and blind.

As a member of the Tri-Lateral Commission, The Bilderbergs, as well as The Council of Foreign Relations, I see this President as a great tool in the undermining of this country and the whittling down of her freedoms.

Killing Is My Business, and Business Has Been Very Good. I've made a lot of money as a war profiteer. It doesn't really matter who's in The White House, because it's our wonderful shadow government that pulls the strings. I have been and continue to be a crony of whoever sits in the Oval Office.

The current occupant of the White House is the most corrupt politician I've ever seen, and it's been a pleasure to work with him.

Unfortunately, I missed out on Solyndra.

My associates and I have seen to it that The System Has Failed....and that's the way we like it. From Obamacare to Fannie Mae and Freddy Mac, our politicians and bureaucrats have brought about the Foreclosure of the American Dream. Very soon, my friends at the United Obamanations will have America right where we want it.

America must be destroyed. Go Obama!

Peace Sells!


V.  Rattlehead.

Woo-Hoo! The Truth Team Tipsheet Is Here!

Do you remember that scene in that Steve Martin movie 'The Jerk', when he jumps for joy upon discovering the new phone books have arrived?

Yesterday, our friends from Team Obama sent me this:

Friend--

Welcome to The Truth Team Tip sheet. You signed up (I did? Oh, yeah. I turned myself in to Attack Watch and gave them my e-mail address,,,,) to be part of the team that fights back, and there's no time to wait.

This is the first of regular updates we'll be sending with actions you can take immediately to help support the president-to debunk false attacks and make sure folks hear what we've accomplished.

Here's how it works. We'll round up the best of our posts and turn them into short items with facebook and twitter buttons after each so you can instantly share them with friends and family as you go down the list.

Read through this week's news, then do something about it.

(Here's this week's list, in a nutshell)....

#1 Romney Flip Flops On Earmarks
#2 Santorum's Big Budget Plans
#3 Rubio's Contraception Plan
#4 Let Detroit Go Bankrupt

....And now for the good news....
#5 Keeping His Word On Hate Crime
#6 Recovery Act Anniversary

Don't Do It! It's A Trap!

I found this e-mail in the inbox today:

Friend--

Tomorrow night, we'll pick the first of four supporters who will sit down with me for dinner. I'm hoping you'll take me up on the dinner.

Donate $3 or whatever you can today to be automatically entered for the chance to be my first dinner guest.

These meals are one simple thing that sets this campaign apart. The seat at our table don't belong to any Washington lobbyist or powerful interest.

These seats are yours.

Donate $3 or more today and be automatically entered to win.

http://donate.barackobama.com/The-First-Guest

Hope to see you,

Barack

How Bad Is The New Obama Budget?

Just ask the Senate Democrats (that is, if they even allow it to be brought up for a vote). The new Obama proposal might even be worse than last year's nightmare. Last year, the Messiah's budget proposal was shot down 0-97 by a Senate still dominated by his own party. We don't know what happened to the three Senators who didn't (or wouldn't) even vote on it. Maybe they were offended that such a piece of unmitigated crap could even exist.

If you asked an eight-year-old to put together a budget proposal, I bet that you could get at least eleven or twelve Senators to vote for it. Unfortunately, we have a playground bully in the White House.

There's some very smart people, such as columnist Charles Krauthammer, who have analyzed this budget proposal, and have labeled the new budget as 'scandalous'. I'm even hearing the word, 'impeachable'.

It has been over 1,000 days since the Democratic-ran Senate has even passed a budget, even though it is mandated by law. Yet, these people still have a job.

Do we really need a Senate?

MSNBC's Andrea Mitchell Is Resting Comfortably

It looks like we've had our first casualty in the big contraception debate, after MSNBC's Andrea Mitchell was left gasping after being offended by a guest.

What brought about this reaction? A Santorum supporter joked that 'in the old days, young women used to put a Bayer aspirin between their knees and it wasn't that costly.'


71-year-old multi-millionaire Foster Friess revived an old-fashioned expression in explaining the concept that young women used to delay having intercourse until they are ready for motherhood.  That was all it took to damage the news anchor's delicate sensibilities.

Mitchell: "I'm just trying to catch my breath...."

I know that I'm speaking on behalf of the American people when I say, "BREATHE, ANDREA!!!!....BREATHE!!

That poor woman must be having one HELL of a time. Do you remember that time they had to call her an ambulance when MSNBC did that incredible expose' on Reverend Jeremiah Wright?  MSNBC scooped the world, exposing Obama's psychotic, anti-Semitic preacher and his offensive rantings.

Yeah, Neither do I.

Everybody with their head screwed on straight knows that Andrea Mitchell, as well as her colleagues at MSNBC, CBS, ABC, and CNN are working overtime to re-elect our little dictator. I imagine her bosses at Media Matters were speaking in her earpiece.

"Now, Andrea, act like you're really, really offended".

From what we know, Andrea Mitchell is resting comfortably. It appears that she is doing just fine. That is, until the next time she actually has to interact with another Republican.

A Statement From School Lunch Inspector 283-448891

I am a School lunch inspector, currently stationed in the town of Raeford, North Carolina. I wish to thank The RedSquirrel Report for giving me this opportunity to set the record straight, concerning the events of the other day.

On Tuesday, I was working my school lunch patrol at West Noke Elementary School, when I witnessed a four-year-old pre-schooler unwrapping a turkey and cheese sandwich.

I also spotted a 6080 taking place. A 6080 is Dept. of Agriculture code for 'criminal intake of sodium'. The little girl had potato chips in her possession.

Also, I noticed that she had taken a banana and a small carton of apple juice out of her little lunch box. The girl was also committing a 3545 (that carton of apple juice was high in sugar). I took out my walkie-talkie and told my dispatcher, "Mrs. Obama, I'm going in".

Then I sprung into action.

I told the 4-year-old to step away from the lunch. At first, she appeared to be confused by my presence. Then, I informed her that her home-packed lunch did not meet USDA nutritional requirements. She appeared somewhat beleagured, but she did comply, backing away from the table slowly.

I threw the illegal foodstuff into the wastebasket. After consulting with the kitchen staff, they presented government-approved chicken nuggets to the child.

We saved that little girl from the lunch her parents packed for her. Once again, the government saves the day.

Thank you, RedSquirrel Report, for allowing me this opportunity to tell my side of this story. I also wish to re-assure the American public that the government will be there whenever parents pack a lunch that doesn't meet USDA nutritional requirements.

Now, The Same E-mail Ran Thru Our TruthTeller 3000

Friend-

Put this bumper sticker on your car (if you still can afford gas), or your window (if you haven't been foreclosed on by the eeevil 1%). When you do this, things might start happening. The Messiah has everyone in this country at each other's throats. Hopefully, fistfights will break out all over America.

Our glorious leader has kept such a low profile the last four years! I'm afraid that you might have forgotten about him and all of his wonderful accomplishments. With this bumper sticker, you can get up in someone's grill, even if they just give you a dirty look. You can start a civil war with your own family!

If you're up to it, you can intimidate perfect strangers. Be just like our friends at The Services Employees International Union and The Black Panthers.

A lot of things can happen because of the simple decision (and boy, are the voters simple!) you make right now.

We'll put a bumper sticker in the mail for you-just tell us where to send it.

http://barackobama.com/ObamaBiden.Sticker

Thanks, Jeremy

Jeremy Bird
National Field Director
Obama For America

I Know Where You Can Stick It

Hey everybody, looky here!

I just got yet ANOTHER e-mail from my good friends at Obama For America! Let's read it together. I'm so excited!

Friend-

There's a free bumper sticker waiting for you-just let us know where we can send it.

We want to send you a free bumper sticker (Get Yours)

Once you put it in a visible place, like the back of your car, in your window. or near your desk, things might start happening!

When someone sees it, they might go to our website to find out more about what President Obama has accomplished. Maybe they'll click on a link to attend an event in their area.

Or maybe they'll decide to have a conversation with you. You'll have a chance to persuade them to vote for President Obama. Or if they're already a supporter, you'll be able to convince them to get involved and persuade some voters themselves.

A lot of things can happen because of the simple decision you make right now.

We'll put a bumper sticker in the mail for you. Just tell us where to send it.

http://barackobama.com/ObamaBiden.Sticker

Thanks, Jeremy

Jeremy Bird
National Field Director
Obama For America

Thanks To John Cassidy of The New Yorker....

....for helping me reach my decision to support Rick Santorum for President. Cassidy's piece in The Yorker Magazine entitled 'Rational Irrationality-The Making Of Rick: Santorum Could Be For Real", should be turned into a Santorum campaign commercial for all of us who can't stand these cultural elitist snobs.

Since it looks like Sarah Palin is staying out of this Presidential race, I am relying on the former Senator to drive the state-run news media insane.

It was my secret wish that Palin win the Presidency, and cause the entire Obama state-run news media's head to explode en masse, just like those ugly little Martians in the hilarious movie from 1997, "Mars Attacks!".

It makes me smile when I think of some tearful news anchor choking on the words  "....and the new President will be the Former Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin" ....

I bet those words would have the same effect as a yodeling Slim Whitman had on those Martian invaders.

But back to the John Cassidy piece. Here is the passage that did it for me:

"To educated liberals of almost any description, Santorum is an abomination. It's not just that he's pro-life, anti-gay, anti-contraception Roman Catholic of the most retrogressive, die-hard Opus Dei variety, It's his entire persona, with his seven kids, his Jaycee fashion code, his nineteen-seventies colonial MacMansion in Northern Virginia, his irony bypass, he seems to delight in outraging self-styled urban sophisticates....the sort of folks who buy organic milk, watch The Daily Show, and read The New York Times (and The New Yorker, of course)."

If Santorum REALLY wanted to drive these liberals batty, he would announce his running mate will be former candidate Michele Bachmann. Just imagine what the Obama news media would think of this.

I can picture it now. After winning the presidency, President-elect Santorum takes the stage. He's standing and waving with his wife and their seven kids. Now, here comes the new Vice-President, her husband, and THEIR 23 ADOPTED KIDS smiling and waving.

....and the voice of Slim Whitman yodeling at the victory party.

On Your Knees, America!

ONCE UPON A TIME, There was an arrogant tyrant, who decided that he would force The Church to violate it's own conscience, and so, the tyrant's Commissar Sebelius sent the state-run media scribe to announce this dictate:

Get on you knees, America! The State-run media scribe is here to issue today's edict. Listen up, serfs, as I  unravel the parchment.  

Quiet! He is clearing his throat:

"Today, Our Glorious Leader demands that faith-based institutions make contraception and abortion drugs available through their health care packages. Furthermore, the Church of The Great Leader gives unto itself the power to trump YOUR inconsequential, puny conscience, your church, as well as The Constitution itself. Commissar Sibelius will announce more details later.

So it is said, so shall it be done."

Upon hearing this, the sleeping giant finally awoke from it's long slumber, and for freedom, fought back.

"Rob me of MY LIBERTY? Who the HELL do you think YOU are?" roared the giant.

Knowing that he had awakened the sleeping giant, the tyrant decided to use a little slight of hand, and deceptively said, "I was just kidding, Mr. Giant. You don't have to pay for contraception and abortion drugs for your employees. You can offer those wonderful services thru your insurance carriers".

The giant scratched his head....

Things Mitt Romney Should Say

"No. I don't give a rat's behind about the poor....or the rich....or if you're black....or white. I care about the individual."

"Sure, I made tons of dough at Bain. How does that HURT YOU?"

"Sure, I signed Romney Care. That qualifies me to teach America about the horrors of socialized health care. I've already learned my lesson." 

"Sure. I've flipped-flopped. That must mean I have grown through time."

"Yeah, us Mormons wear some strange articles of clothing. Would it make you feel better if  I had my pants on the ground?"

"President Obama's bad policies don't make him a bad guy. His horrific corruption, his never-ending bullying and non-stop meanspiritedness make him a bad guy."

Let The Mocking Begin Again

Last September, The Obama Regime's debut of snitch site AttackWatch.com was welcomed with an avalanche of mocking and laughter across the Internet. Your bushy-tailed correspondent did his civic duty, and 'promptly turned himself in'.

I also gave them my e-mail address. Subsequently, I have received many, many e-mails from the Obama campaign. About half have been requests for donations. They still think that I am one of their campaign volunteers.

I was checking my e-mails today, and found one from Stephanie Cutter, Obama For America's Deputy Campaign Manager. She proudly stated that a 're-vamped' AttackWatch has made it's debut, only now it's called The Truth Team.

The Obama Regime was so proud of AttackWatch, they changed the name. I guess that's why ACORN keeps changing IT'S name(s).

The re-vamped site has two, new features. KeepingGOPHonest. It's nice to know that The Messiah wishes to keep us honest. Just imagine how much better this country could be if us Republicans could only meet the The Obama Administration's high standard for honesty and integrity (snicker snicker).

Then, there's KeepingHisWord, that lists all of The Messiah's accomplishments. I tried to find 'He gave Solyndra half a billion dollars that belonged to the taxpayers, then laundered much of this money to his re-election campaign,' but it wasn't even mentioned.

I wished our wonderful President Barack Hussein Obama wasn't so darned modest.

Do You Have The Wrong Job?

Are you the President of the United States, but wish you could assume total control over every body's life? There are some people out there, like those darned Catholics, who JUST REFUSE TO GO ALONG WITH YOUR PROGRAM.

You ran on hope and change, yet there are still those pesky bitter-clingers, still hanging on to their God and guns. And worse still, there are those rebellious little cusses who STILL believe in the free enterprise system. You want to transform America, but that gall-darned piece of paper called The Constitution KEEPS GETTING IN YOUR WAY.

Man, it must be frustrating!

Or maybe you're a United State's Supreme Court Justice, but let's just say that you did an interview, where you told the interviewer that if you were in charge of creating a new constitution, you wouldn't use the American document as your model.

Let's say that Mozambique's constitution really rocks your boat. I hear that Iran is looking for female jurors.

This bushy-tailed correspondent could be barking up the wrong tree on this, but it seems that Barack Obama and Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsberg may be stuck in jobs that they may not really want.

If Obama really, really wanted to be an out-of-control tyrant, maybe someone should have re-directed him to his dream job...as Secretary General of the United Nations, or a tyrant of the third-world country of his choice.

I wonder if his high school guidance councilor ever blames himself.

I'm Sorry, Mr. McGrath, But You Already Voted

Dan McGrath, the Director of Minnesota Majority, is a well-known, conservative political activist. You have seen him on the television news, and he has been a guest on several local programs on talk radio. He is a proponent of the mandatory Minnesota voter photo I.D. law currently being considered by the Minnesota State Legislature.

This week, I was reading some news articles on-line, and learned that Dan McGrath is also Executive Director of TakeAction Minnesota, a 'voters rights' organization.
According to the information I've found, Mr. McGrath is ALSO AN OPPONENT of the very same law being considered. I was surprised to discover that only six years ago, he was also a community organizer for The Services International International Union.

How does Dan McGrath find the time to work for Minnesota Majority AND TakeAction Minnesota, two organizations that directly oppose each other?

Your bushy-tailed correspondent has uncovered an incredible fact. Dan McGrath of Minnesota Majority and Dan McGrath of TakeAction Minnesota are two very different people. What the heck is going on here?

It almost seems that our friends on the left are trying to confuse the public.

Suppose this law never passes. Could one Dan McGrath claim to be the other, and steal his vote, or even vote twice? What if the DFL had a list of 10,000 names. all reliable Republican voters. Then, on election day, our name-doppelgangers ALL vote before we get to the polls? Can this be their strategy in November?

It's a good thing that Minnesota Majority's director is aware of his opponent with the exact same name. He refers to the 'other' Dan McGrath as 'my bearded Spock'.

One thing's for certain, One of them must change their name, or cease to exist. I suggest they settle it with a duel. 20 paces, anyone?

Bad idea you say? Can't stand the sight of blood?

Alright. I have an alternative idea. Dan McGrath and Dan McGrath should appear on KSTP's At Issue (with host Tom Hauser). At the very least, everybody will know that Dan McGrath and Dan McGrath are not the same person.

But still, those Democrat activists are pretty crafty. I wonder if there are 10,000 Dem voters who could change their name JUST BEFORE ELECTION DAY. What if you go to vote on Election Day, only to find that somebody claiming to be you has already voted, using your identity?

It would suck to find out that somebody claiming to be you has already voted, so I support this law. Otherwise, Election Day could resemble the horror movie 'Invasion of the Voter Imposters'.

This November 6, I do not want to see someone resembling actor Kevin McCarthy standing outside my neighborhood polling station, yelling, "THEY STOLE MY VOTE!!! THEY'RE HERE ALREADY! YOU'RE NEXT!!"

Yesterday Must've Been A Slow News Day

Your bushy-tailed corresponent watched the local new last night. In one news story, it appears those racist monsters up in North Dakota State seem intent on keeping their racially-insensitive college nickname, 'The Fighting Sioux'.

The reporter spoke to local Native-Americans, and they appeared somewhat offended and hurt by the college's hurtful attitude. One local leader said, "There has never been an ethnic group treated this way before. We don't call your team 'The Fighting Jews'.

That made me think about the millions of European Jews who were packed into cattlecars and sent to die in ovens at Auschwicz and Treblinka. I doubt if any of them were hoping (as they were being forced to march towards their own death), 'Man, I sure would be offended if these Nazi's called their basketball team The Fightin' Jews'.

In another story (Channel 5 KSTP) the reporter told us The Walker Art Center had lost $211,000 last year, and they want $8.5 million for renovations. The reporter spoke to State Representative Steve Drazkowski (R-Mazeppa), who said this expendenture would not make any sense.

Then, a representative from the art museum proudly stated his case on behalf of The Walker Art Center.

Our very own Joe the Cartoonist is a graduate of The Minneapolis College of Art and Design. He went to the Walker Art Center once while he was a student. and hasn't been there since.

Joe is against spending even more taxdollars on the art museum.

Do We REALLY Need A Photo I.D. Law In Minnesota?

My liberal friend (Let's call him Longfellow Loon) flew into my patio window today. After regaining consciousness, he told me that he has been driven to distraction.

I asked what was troubling him. He told me the Minnesota State Legislature was giving him nightmares. It seems that he keeps having the same terrible dream that our state legislature had passed the state photo I.D. law currently being considered.

So, he would like to speak to you, my readers, on this issue.

I realize that I am taking a big chance in giving my wacky friend a platform to spout....I mean....to state his case, but I believe in giving everyone a chance to express their point of view.

So, here he is. Loony, the floor is yours. Don't be nervous.

"LOOLOOLOOLOOOLOOOLOOLOOOLOOOOOO!!!!

This small, completely inconsequential matter of voter fraud seems to be freaking out a lot of right-wing fanatics in the State of 10,000 lakes. Some are actually suggesting that YOU NEED A PHOTO I.D. IN ORDER TO VOTE IN MINNESOTA!

What's next? (mimics a Nazi border guard) 'Letzzz me see your paperzzzz'?

Just because 31 other states have some form of voter I.D., some of these meanies think we should too! Just because 31 states jump off a bridge, should we jump. too?

This law would be discriminatory towards poor black voters, poor red voters, poor Latino voters, and maybe even poor YELLOW voters! Only rich, white voters can afford a photo I.D.! Darn that 1%!

This proposed law would also lead to DISCRIMINATION against the elderly and indigent. I am so GLAAD that our wonderful Representative, Keith Ellison, has come to our defence. His work on this matter makes me proud as a pink peacock!

Those rascally right-wingers suggest that the poor and down-trodden may receive a photo I.D. for free. So, it is these conservatives who would burden the taxpayers with this mandate. If there's one thing that this proud fifth District Dhimmicrat won't EVER stand for, is a TAX INCREASE!

LOOLOOOLOOLOOOLOOLOOOLOOLOOLOOOLOOLOOOO!!!! "

Thank you, Longfellow. Do you want a cold pack for your head?

I Resolve That The President Start Obeying The Law

During last night's Minnesota Caucus, we had an opportunity to bring our resolutions/ changes to The Minnesota State Republican Platform. My mind was racing with ideas, but I didn't bring any resolutions to our group.

One man brought a very common-sense resolution pertaining to government spending, and made a comment very popular with everybody in our group. The most important thing this country needs is to get spending under control.

As important as that idea is, I have to gently disagree. I think that the most important issue facing this country is that the current occupant of The White House is absolutely out-of-control, insufferably arrogant, and corrupt as can be. He's all those things and dangerously inept as well.

I didn't bring any resolutions or concerns to my group, because platforms are concerned with public policy. My concerns deal with the corruption and the crazed, tyrannical pronouncements and dictates coming from The President almost daily.

In 1992, James Carville coined the phrase 'It's the economy, stupid'.
-
In 2012, I would like to coin a new phrase, 'It's the corruption, people'.

I actually felt a little rediculous last night, as I thought of putting my concerns into words that could be written as party platform resolutions. You would think that any Democrat with their head screwed on straight would agree with me on the following:

Resolution: I resolve that money laundering be a criminal offence EVEN WHEN it's The President doing it. Nobody should be allowed to shower fraudulent green energy companies with taxpayer dollars.

Resolution: I resolve that the State and the National GOP oppose gun-running to Mexican drug gangs, EVEN when it's The President's own Attorney General doing it.

Resolution: The GOP opposes unconstitutional recess appointments made by The President, when Congress isn't even in recess.

Resolution: The President SHOULD NOT be allowed to force people of faith to violate their own, deeply-held conscience. The President SHOULD NOT force pro-life Americans or entities to PERFORM or PAY FOR abortions.

Finally, I resolve that The President start obeying the laws. If he won't uphold and defend The Constitution of The United States of America, he should be removed from office.

Joe The Cartoonist Reports From The Minnesota Caucus

Our cartoonist performed his civic duty tonight, attending his local Republican caucus. Here is his report:

I saw evil, demonic, eyes, and knew that I was at the right place.

I said the secret password. Our fearless leader, Minnesota Majority's Dan McGrath let me into the room. The other GOP operatives growled and gnashed their huge fangs as they welcomed me into the realm of darkness.

We began the proceedings with our secret oath....

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic, for which it stands, one nation, under God (I know that three-letter word makes some people recoil in horror), indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Then, we drank blood out of human skulls....

We elected our delegate and an alternate. Actually, fearless leader Dan McGrath won this honor by killing two challengers in a fight to the death, smashing their heads in with a mace. The two challengers were brought back to life, and will be forced to serve as alternate delegates at the next Republican Convention.

Then, we planned our take-over of America. One man (Let's call him Vulgariahh) introduced a change to the GOP state platform. We all liked the idea. It read:

"The Republican party needs to do more to take food out of the mouths of babies."

McGrath looked over this proposal, then growled, "It's not HEARTLESS enough....
We need to starve the elderly, too!"

The entire room exploded in agreement, growling and grunting.

"Anything to make Obama look bad!", a man growled. Our fearless leader grinned, and wrote it down.

Then, we held a straw poll, where we voted for our favorite Presidential candidate. I voted for former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, because he also hated gays.

Finally, it was time to call it a night. We all spread our large red bat wings, then we  dissappeared into the night.

The RedSquirrel Defends The Newt

It seems that Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has has a very rough two weeks, so in the name of fair play, your bushy-tailed correspondent wishes to take a moment to defend this great American.

A couple weeks ago. his second ex-wife charged that Mr. Gingrich wanted 'an open marriage', yet he got two daughters from his first marriage to defend him. It is a mark of a great man that he could get TWO daughters from one of his two broken marriages to defend him from accusations made by another ex-wife.

It is extremely unfair to cast Mr. Gingrich as ugly and unlovable. He's been married three times, and as far as I know, none of his three wives are blind.

The former Speaker was removed from his leadership position by House Republicans in 1999. I issue a challenge to all Democrat voters out there. If he is THAT disliked by Republicans, shouldn't he be able to get Democrat voters to cross party lines, and vote for him?

Newt Gingrich took hundreds of thousands of dollars from Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac. If he could do a campaign commercial, co-starring with Barney Frank and Christopher Dodd, I bet he could turn this into a positive.

Newt Gingrich did a commercial with Nancy Pelosi. See? He doesn't discriminate
...even against ethically-challenged, extremist psycholefty nut jobs.

They say that Newt Gingrich has a thousand ideas, of which, 900 are probably good. That's 900 more good ideas than Obama has.

Gingrich supported the individual mandate. For you Democrats out there who fantasize about rounding up and throwing anti-Obamacare refuseniks in prison, you might want to give Newt a second look.

Finally, Newt Gingrich wants to build a space station on Mars. I'll bet that wouldn't cost the taxpayer much.

Frustration Nation

I grew up in the 1970's, so I got some of my learnin' every Saturday morning from ABC's Schoolhouse Rock . It was there I learned That Preamble Song, where to get my adverbs (at Lolly's), and how to conjunct my conjunctions down at Conjunction Junction. (And, But, Or....They'll git ya pretty far....)

Last Friday, the government told us that the unemployment rate fell to 8.3%, even though they do not count millions of people who are too frustrated to even look for a job anymore. I think this country needs the folks at Schoolhouse Rock to explain the unemployment rate to the American people. Something catchy, similar to Conjunction Junction.

How about........Frustration Nation? C'mon kids, sing along:

Frustration Nation, consternation
How do we figure the unemployment rate?
Frustration Nation, misinformation
Obama can be re-elected if it's under 8

There's some who find a job, so let's count them
There's those no longer looking, let's not count them
We can spin the numbers
Or tell outright lies
Just stop counting some people and see if that flies

We have to re-elect The Messiah
So don't let that unemployment rate get any higher
Tell the American people
it's down to 8.3
I wish that they would stop lyin' to me

Next on the new Schoolhouse Rock, our singers explain the housing crisis.

A Statement From Nutty Nancy

My fellow Catholics,

This week, the Catholic Church learned that they are required to pay for their employees healthcare plans, which includes contraception benefits. As a practicing Catholic, I am quite pleased that my Catholic Church, as backward as it is, will finally be dragged into the modern age. I continue to stand side-by-side of my new, improved Catholic Church.

Finally, there is a new morality sweeping the old, tired morality away! As a grandmother, my heart leaps for joy in knowing that our wonderful President, along with our Congress, CAN overturn the last 2,000 years of Western civilization.

I promise to keep protecting the rights of women, by protecting a woman's god-given right to have her unviable tissue mass torn limb-from-limb, and sucked out of her thru a vacuum tube, if that's what she wants.

Someday soon, I may even begin reading what was in The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, because I am deeply interested in knowing just what it was that I had voted for back in 2010.

Thank you.

Barack....You're Fired!

Former Massachussetts Governor and Presidential candidate Mitt Romney picked up another endorsement on Thursday. Donald Trump, billionaire real estate developer and host of NBC's 'The Apprentice', announced his endorsement in Las Vegas.

Chairperson of The Democratic National Committee, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, immediately pointed out that the presidential candidate said that he likes being allowed to 'fire' unproductive, inept employees. So, it's no surprise that Donald Trump would endorse Romney.

You see, unproductive, inept employees should NEVER get fired when you live in Debbie Wasserman Schultz's world, because the only world she knows is the federal government. The world of beaureaucrats and lobbyists and lobbyists and politicians and public sector unions.

It would be fun if Mr. Trump could call Barack Obama up to the board room, on election night 2012, so he could give The Bamster the bad news.

That would be ratings gold.

Ladies And Gentlemen....We Present The Occupy Wall Street Superbowl Halftime Show Sponsored By The Tides Foundation

This Sunday, the New England Patriots will face the New York Giants in Superbowl XLVI.  Our friends in the OWS Movement are threatening to protest at the game, so I was just wondering what it would be like if these criminals and killjoys commandeered the halftime show. I imagine that it would go something like this:

The two teams make there way to the locker rooms, and the stadium goes dark.

Suddenly, an abrasive voice booms over the public address system:

"This is Richard Trumka of the AFL-CIO, presenting da' Occupy Wall Street Superbowl Halftime Show, presented by The Tides Foundation. Now, put yer hands together, or my friends from the Service Employees International Union will BUST YOUR FACE!"

A worker in a purple t-shirt hits the lights, and a huge drum circle marches towards the fifty-yard line:

BOOOMMMBOOODADADADADADADADADABOOMBOOMBOOM!!!!

Then, hundreds of dirty protesters take to the field, and begin yelling anti-capitalist and anti-Semitic slogans. A dozen or so protesters chase terrified, screaming cheerleaders along the sidelines.

Then, the protesters burn a 14-foot paper mache figure of a Wall Street banker in effigy, singing the Soviet Union National Anthem.

After that, we hear Trumka's voice again:

"Wasn't that some great singin' or WHAT? That brought a tear to my eye! We have time for one more song. Here is the sponsor of this Superbowl Halftime Show. Mr. George Soros!"

A stretch limo stops on the fifty-yard line, and Soros gets out. In his creepy, Hungarian accent, he lip-syncs his tribute to Zuccotti Park ("Zuccotti Park is melting in the dark",), 'ala "MacArthur Park".

Finally, Trumka wraps it up:

"Wow, that was a great halftime show, wasn't it? I have an announcement. The teams will have to wait about an hour to take the field for the second half. It appears that several of the protesters defecated on the field, so that will have to be cleaned up.

Also, an outbreak of tuberculosis appears to have broken out in section 1A.  Thanks, and enjoy the second half!

Damn Global Warming!

Yesterday in Minneapolis it was 40 degrees and beautiful. I escaped the heatwave, ducking into the neighborhood grocery store. As my 15 or less made it's way on the conveyor belt, I complained bitterly to the nice cashier.

"Damn this global warming! How much of this torture will we have to endure?

She laughed at me, handing me my change.

Al Gore warned us of this. I remember Ted Danson telling us in the 80's that the human race had only 10 more years before we kiss this planet goodbye. Now, it's (let me check the temp....) a hellish 38 degrees on February 1st.

I am so glad that President Zerogrowth cancelled that Keystone XL Pipeline project, and kudos to Congress for 'Cap and Trade'....and for making incandescent lighbulbs illegal. When Solyndra finishes installing it's solar panels across America, I will thank Obama by voting for him in November. Not.

This Is MSNBC's Jonathan Martin Reporting From Florida

Last night, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney enjoyed a tremendous victory in yesterday's Florida primary, winning with 47% of the vote. It appears that the candidate won with nearly all voter demographic groups across the state.

He won by seven points in the 'cracker counties' in the North Florida panhandle. We spoke to one of Romney's supporters. (Let's call him 'Beauregarde'):

"Yup. That 'ole boy Mitt Romney is mah boy. Where is my 'ole hound dog Belvedere? Wha' are you at, boy?"

Candidate Romney also won by an amazing eleven points among the many conservative rednecks and honkys in Florida. We spoke to Cletus Rikkits, another one of his supporters:

"Raight on muh truck wit' muh gun rack, I got muh Romney fer President bumper sticker, HAWT DANG! HEEEE-HAWWWW!!!!

Lee Roy Murdoch, President of Honkys For Romney, spoke to our reporter in 'racial code', by saying that President Barack Obama has turned America into a 'food stamp nation', and must be voted out of office.

Romney won with all conservative demographic groups, including 'anti-Obama' voters, 'anti-gay rights' voters, 'sexists', 'strict constitutionalists', as well as 'state rights fanatics'.

This is Jonathan Martin of Politico and MSNBC, reporting from Jacksonville, Florida.