News You Can Use: This Halloween, Go As Minnesota State Senator / Burglar Nicole Mitchell

In News You Can Use......

This Halloween, the most popular costume will undoubtably be The Minnesota State Senator / Catburglar Nicole Mitchell costume.

Mitchell, a Democrat State Senator from Woodbury, was arrested and charged with felony burglary on April 22, when she was found hiding in her stepmother's house. It is reported that she was wearing all-black and was wearing a Catwoman eye mask.

Minnesota Democrats hold a one-seat majority in the state Senate (34-33), so her Democrat colleagues wil not ask her to resign. Her resignation could make it hard for the Democrats to enact their 'progressive ' agenda.

This Halloween, whether you're a trick-or-treater, looking for a costume for your cosplay party, or protesting at the Minnesota State Capitol, try this simple costume. It's easy and fun!

Our Correspondent Jackie Mason Reports From The Pro-Hamas Protests At Columbia University

Our correspondent Jackie Mason has been on the scene at the anti-Israel, pro-HAMAS demonstrations taking place across the country. Today he is reporting from Columbia University:

Thank you, RedSquirrel,

It's non-stop Jew-hatred here, with creepy professors and college student putzes mixed in with paid protestors and their professionally pre-printed signs, protesting against Jews and The West. 

These mental-defective schmendricks running the blue-state universities aren't even trying to protect their Jewish students, and they completely ignore the unhuman actions of the HAMAS demons on October 7.

The creepy professors teach hatred against The Jews, hatred against White People, and hatred against The West, and these stupid schmucks pay $60,000 a Semester to be brainwashed and bamboozled!

They carry signs reading 'From The River To The Sea,' not even knowing what NAZIS they have become, and many of these idiot college students are ripped off by these communist weirdos at the university. That creep George Soros offers them his NAZI blood money to carry signs around because he wants to destroy America. What a contemptable maniac!

The psychotic animals beheaded Jewish babies, cooked them alive, raped and murdered Jewish girls, and mowed down concert-goers, then they laughed and showed it on facebook. The NAZIS knew what they did was evil. THESE DEMONIC CREEPS THINK THEY'RE PLEASING GOD!

I am noticing the red states aren't putting up with this lunucy. Did you see that bitch professor getting arrested, yelling 'I'M A PROFESSOR!!!' while she was getting arrested? Professor Snowflake must think she's special or something.

This just in. The anti-Jew meshuggenahs have taken one of the college buildings and are holding hostages. Who do these creeps think they are? Iranian revolutionaries??? BUST THE DOORS DOWN!!! ARREST THEM!!!!

Oy vey, These communist universities should be investigated.

This is Jackie Mason, reporting from Columbia University. Back to you.

Top Ten Sheila Jackson Lee Solar System Scientific Facts

Texas Democrat Representative (and amatuer scientist) Sheila Jackson Lee said that The Moon is mostly gas (It isn't). 

From our home office in Bovey, Minnesota, here are The Top Ten Sheila Jackson Lee facts regarding our solar system::

10. Marvin The Martian may attack The Earth if we don't appropriate $5trillion to defend our planet.

  9. Most of our solar system's Methane comes from Uranus.

  8. Lunar eclipses happen when a cow jumps over The Moon.

  7. The surface of Neptune is covered with a layer of Trident gum.

  6. Planet Pluto wa named after Goofy's dog.

  5. There is a golden ring around Sataurn worth $2,500,000,000,000, and Congress should vote to spend your tax dollers to buy it.

  4. The mercury in your thermometer comes from the planet Mercury.

  3. Geocentrism refers to the belief that the universe revolves around our planet Earth. Representative Jackson-Lee, as well as most members of Congress, believe the universe revolves around THEM.

  2. Black Holes are created by extraterrestrials who never knew when to stop digging.

  1. White Dwarfs are RACISTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Top Ten Reasons To Vote For Joe Biden

With all the crimes The Resident of The White House has committed against the country, It's amazing that there are still people who are voting to continue The Joe Biden Crisis for four more years.

From our home office in Bovey, Minnesota, Here are The Top Ten Reasons To Vote For Joe Biden:

10. Violent criminal aliens and Human Traffickers killing and raping Americans!!! Who could ask for MORE!?

  9. Fentanyl. Come and get your Fentanyl!!!

  8. We're going to appoint even MORE Cross-dressers and transgender weirdos in the second Biden administration!

  7. Joe will tell us even more lies!

  6. because he will protect your right to slaughter your unborn baby

  5. With bidenflation, you can fit $200 worth of groceries in JUST ONE bag!

  4. because MAGA is a danger to D.C's corruption applecart

  3. JOE WILL OPEN THE BORDERS AND CLOSE YOUR SMALL BUSINESS

  2. A vote for Biden is a vote for Communist Chinese worldwide DOMINATION!!!

  1. FREE STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe Biden Wants To Desecrate ALL Our Holidays

So, our corrupt, senile Resident Joe Biden has announced The Transgender Day of Visibility on March 31, the same day as Easter. Normal-Americans and Christians reacted as you would expect.

Your bushy-tailed correspondant is wondering if the America-hating and Anti-Christian biden regime will stop at desecrating the day our Lord and Savior was resurrected. After all, there are many holidays on our calender. 

Perhaps he'll replace Christmas Day with 'Looter's Day' or 'Undocumented Shoppers Day'. That would appeal to Biden's base of criminals and race hustlers. Also, he could say that Inflation is no longer a problem if everything on the shelves are 'free.'

Biden could proclaim a 'Bitch Like An Ungrateful Liberal Day' to replace Thanksgiving. Nearly ALL of Biden voters worship government, not God, and complain non-stop that 'the rich' don't pay their fair share. They don't believe in giving thanks to Our Heavenly Father.

Knowing biden, he would probably rather commemorate the genocide of the Native-Americans by 'the settlers'.

Then, Biden can replace MLK Day with George Floyd Day. Biden's violent supporters prefer Floyd over Martin Luther KIng anyway.

After that, Independence Day can be replaced with '(Government) Dependence Day' or some other new holiday damning America's existence. 

Biden could replace that most romantic holiday, Valentine's Day, with 'National Sodomite LGBQT Visibility Day', even though they already an entire month. Still, it would be an opportunity for Biden to stick it to those straight, CHRISTIAN people. 

Saint Patrick was a Christian, so St. Patrick's Day would need to be desecrated in favor of something that Biden's supporters would support. How about Mohammad's Birthday? A holiday honoring anti-Semetic Minnesota Representative Ilhan Omar? The possibilites are almost endless.

Biden and his ilk HATE Americans who get up and go to work, so he could replace Labor Day with 'Student Loan Forgiveness Day' or 'Undocumented Immigrant Free Money Day'.

So, it's a start. I just hope that biden and his leftist helpers don't see this, and get any ideas.

Men In Black's Agent Zed: Adam Schiff Is A Zanti Under His Human Disguise

As you probably know, The Men In Black is a semi-secret organization that monitors extraterrestrial activity on our planet. There are alien life forms breaking our laws constantly, and outstanding MIB agents do their best to keep The Earth safe and do their work in the most discreet way possible.

The agent in charge, we'll call him Agent Z, has a warning for the voters of California:

Thank you RedSquirrel,

Our organization monitors alien activity, and I feel that i have to warn the voters of California about a potentially terrifying threat regarding a certain candidate for The U.S. Senate. On Earth he is called Adam Schiff.

We have been monitoring him for some time now. His bugged out etyes, his weird, round head are on your TV and computer screens almost non-stop, but his human disguise conceals the fact that his home is a planet called ZANTI. 

In the early 1960's, humans watched The sci-fi TV show The Outer Limits. One episode, 'The Zanti Misfits' featured strange aliens creatures with ant-like bodies and weird, creepy, humanoid faces. As you may or may not know, many episodes of The Outer Limits are based in REALITY.

These are actual creatures living on our planet, and one of these creatures have taken on a human appearance. Be assured that The Men In Black are closely monitoring this alien, as well as his candidacy.

He is currently in a Senatorial campaign against baseball legend, Republican Steve Garvey. My commentary here is in no way an endorsement of Mr. Garvey's campaign, just a warning to the voters who are thinking about voting for 'Mr. Schiff.'

Adam Schiff

Adam Schiff without his human disguise

APRIL FOOLS!