HEADLINE: INSUFFERABLE DOUCHE TAKES CREDIT FOR RECORD U.S. OIL PRODUCTION

2015:

I am here aboard Air Force One making an anti-oil video....

....because Air Force One runs on unicorn farts.'

2018: 

Suddenly America is the largest oil producer. That was me, people. Say 'Thank you.'

Kolchak: Invasion Of The Vote Snatchers

Here to tell a very scary Election Day story is our new staff reporter, Karl Kolchak:

November 2018.....

It's two weeks after Election Day, and the smoke has yet to clear on the midterm elections. It appears that there was no so-called 'blue wave', yet the Democrats have won the majority of races in the U.S. House of Representatives. 

It seems a strange thing has happened. This reporter has discovered 'vote snatchers' loose in different areas throughout the country, stealing elections for The Democrats. 

Republican gains in California's Orange Country have disappeared, and the entire county has turned an eerie blue.

In center-right Arizona, Republican Martha McSally's Election Night lead has evaporated, and ultra-freaky.vagina hat-wearing Democrat Kyrsten Sinema has mysteriously found enough votes to snatch that race away. Perhaps an alien life form have snatched the bodies of Republican voters in the Grand Canyon State, and replaced them with new Democrats.

Or maybe it could be the bodies of the previously living have carried the strange Democrat candidate across the finish line. The Democrats are very popular with dead voters.

The Communist/Democrat gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum ALMOST won in mostly conservative, affluent Florida. We've seen some very weird things happen in Florida before. In 1994, a fresh-face conservative named Joe Scarborough won a seat to Congress, and yet we are to believe the very same guy is NOW an ultra-leftist morning host on MSNBC.

This reporter believes that Joe Scarborough has been replaced by a 'body snatcher.'

The strange thing is that only Republicans and their votes are snatched away, while Democrats find thousands, perhaps millions, of votes after Election Day. The dead as well as illegal aliens are voting illegally, and the election snatchers are running wild.

They are here . You may be next.

Minnesota Elects Anti-Semites: A Jackie Mason Commentary

Here to give an American Jew's perspective on Election Night 2018 is our political correspondent, Jackie Mason:

Thanks, Red Mensch,

Oy vey!!! What are the voters in Minnesota smoking?

You elected an anti-Semite to the state's Attorney General's office and another to Congress!

You voted a dirty, rotten schmuck Keith Ellison to be Minnesota's chief law enforcement officer. I guess the voters wanted an expert in domestic violence. We don't know if it's the state law he'll be enforcing.....or shariah law.....Stay tuned, we'll find out soon.

Four years ago, he came out against the Second Amendment. As a Jew, I know what happens when law-abiding citizens are disarmed, and only the police and the military have the guns.

This putz is friendly to the AntiFa jerk-offs, and he supports 'sanctuary cities.' God help us.

The hipster, liberal  Doofuscrats in Minnesota CD 5 elected Somali-Muslimist Ilhan Omar to be their next representative. She'll be taking Ellison's place in The U.S. House of Representatives. She also hates Jews.

This hateful klafte suggested that White men should be put in chains since they refuse to submit to Allah. Someone needs to tell this bitch that if you try to put American men in chains, the men of America will slaughter you.

This smarmy pisher married her own brother to keep him in the country even though she was already married. That's bigamy as well as immigration fraud. 

The voters in CD 5 would vote for ANYBODY as long as they have a 'D' next to their name. If Charley Manson, Fidel Castro, or Colin Kaepernick ran for Congress in this hotbed of commie-leftism they wouldn't BE ABLE TO LOSE!

Dear Minnesota, is this the best that you can do? Why do you have to inflict this crap on the rest of the country?

'The First Thanksgiving' By Kamala Harris

Happy Thanksgiving to my readers. Here to tell the story of the first Thanksgiving is California Senator, Kamala Harris.

Gather around, children.

Once upon a time, the indigenous people living on this continent lived happily and in total harmony, but then the White devil came and destroyed the world they knew. 

The evil White pilgrims arrived in this wonderful wilderness, and began to chop down all the trees. The Ku Klux Klan and the ICE agents discovered brown-skinned persons, and arrested them.

They forced the brown-skinned natives to build huge cages, and broke up the families. They made little coops for the children. Everyone was hungry.

Meanwhile the evil White devils felt the November nip in the air, and started to freeze. They had trouble growing food, and begged the proud native-Americans to teach them how to grow food. 

The White honky fools finally let the brown-skinned natives out of their cages, and they saved the White devils, teaching them how to grow victory gardens. They grew lots of corn, pumpkins, and sweet potatoes. They shot turkeys and deer with their bows-and arrows. 

The backward White devil knew they owed their lives to the dark-skinned neighbors, and Thanksgiving was created.

After feasting on Turkey, the White devils took a nice nap, and when they woke up,they put the indigenous people in reservations and gave them blankets laced with smallpox. 

ICE agents threw many families out of the country while their Ku Klux Klan buddies threw lynching parties.

That is the story of Thanksgiving.