Counterpoint: I Support Climate Change

In the 1970's, Newsweek AND Time magazine warned us of an impending ice age. More recently, junk scientists and Socialist frauds like Al Gore have warned us about global warming.

Now, they are warning us about an all-encompassing global climate change, even though nobody can tell us what the weather will be like five years from now. They just tell us we are heading towards a weather disaster and that it's because of us and our lifestyle based on freedom and choice.

Our wannabe masters warn us against dirty fossil fuels that will destroy the polar bears and the ice in the North Pole. As for Normal-Americans, we like fossil fuels because fossil fuels are plentiful and cheap.

Last week, there was a Climate Townhall, featuring two of the intellectual heavyweights of Socialism....Bernie Sanders and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

These two believe you are too dumb to run your own lives, and that a progressive elite should dictate your lifestyle.

I have a dumb question for these leftist authoritarians:

Have you been outside today? The weather has been fantastic. In fact, almost every other day, I tell someone out loud that the weather is terrific. Once in a while, I'll even tell a complete stranger that I think today's weather is great and it's a beautiful day.

I think most leftists (at least the ones I see on TV) warning us about climate change are just control freaks and jack-asses at best and they should be shunned.

As a matter of fact, let me say that if man-made climate change is a thing, I'm in support of it! I hear a warmer climate is great for our growing crops. Plus, if you live in a cold climate (like Minnesota) during the Winter months, a warmer Winter would be nothing to complain about.

I would rather be outside if it's 20 degrees than 20 below. If this describes climate change, THEN GIVE ME MORE!!!

I support climate change, and it would be great if you did too. Let's virtue-signal this thing! If you don't support climate change than you're stupid. No, you're a DENIER!

So, do everyone a favor, and keep using those wonderful, dirty fossil fuels.

Things Are Back To Normal At Santa's Toy Shop

Your bushy-tailed correspondent files this report from The North Pole, as Mr. and Mrs. Claus finalize plans for his yearly trip around the world. The activity here is almost not to be believed, as elves work feverishly, building toys and loading Santa's sleigh:

Santa Claus: Yes, I was toying with the idea of delivering some of these toys with flying drones, but I'm not Jeff Bezos, Ho, Ho, Ho....

I've noticed your jolly demeanor has returned.....

I'm very happy that America elected Donald Trump! That insufferable asshole Barack Obama tried to unionize our operation. Also, he tried to force Obamacare down OUR throats!!! Stupid rat bastard!!!

For eight, long years, I had to read these heart-breaking letters from all these sweet kids. Their parents either lost their jobs or had their hours cut because that heartless jack-ass Obama screwed with their health plans!.

I've noticed the letters this year have a much happier tone to them.  

I love the President. He has a history of being very generous, but I don't like your news media or those deep state creeps. That douche Mueller better wrap up this ridiculous investigation or he's getting a reindeer turn in his Christmas stocking!

I hate to admit it, but while that liar Obama was in the White House spreading hate and division all over the world, I was seriously thinking about ending this operation and maybe becoming a defense contractor.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent is glad Santa made it through the Obama administration, and that things are back to normal at Santa's toy shop.

HEADLINE: ECONOMIC ILLITERATE TAKES CREDIT FOR BOOMING ECONOMY

HEADLINE: INSUFFERABLE DOUCHE TAKES CREDIT FOR RECORD U.S. OIL PRODUCTION

2015:

I am here aboard Air Force One making an anti-oil video....

....because Air Force One runs on unicorn farts.'

2018: 

Suddenly America is the largest oil producer. That was me, people. Say 'Thank you.'

Kolchak: Invasion Of The Vote Snatchers

Here to tell a very scary Election Day story is our new staff reporter, Karl Kolchak:

November 2018.....

It's two weeks after Election Day, and the smoke has yet to clear on the midterm elections. It appears that there was no so-called 'blue wave', yet the Democrats have won the majority of races in the U.S. House of Representatives. 

It seems a strange thing has happened. This reporter has discovered 'vote snatchers' loose in different areas throughout the country, stealing elections for The Democrats. 

Republican gains in California's Orange Country have disappeared, and the entire county has turned an eerie blue.

In center-right Arizona, Republican Martha McSally's Election Night lead has evaporated, and ultra-freaky.vagina hat-wearing Democrat Kyrsten Sinema has mysteriously found enough votes to snatch that race away. Perhaps an alien life form have snatched the bodies of Republican voters in the Grand Canyon State, and replaced them with new Democrats.

Or maybe it could be the bodies of the previously living have carried the strange Democrat candidate across the finish line. The Democrats are very popular with dead voters.

The Communist/Democrat gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum ALMOST won in mostly conservative, affluent Florida. We've seen some very weird things happen in Florida before. In 1994, a fresh-face conservative named Joe Scarborough won a seat to Congress, and yet we are to believe the very same guy is NOW an ultra-leftist morning host on MSNBC.

This reporter believes that Joe Scarborough has been replaced by a 'body snatcher.'

The strange thing is that only Republicans and their votes are snatched away, while Democrats find thousands, perhaps millions, of votes after Election Day. The dead as well as illegal aliens are voting illegally, and the election snatchers are running wild.

They are here . You may be next.

Minnesota Elects Anti-Semites: A Jackie Mason Commentary

Here to give an American Jew's perspective on Election Night 2018 is our political correspondent, Jackie Mason:

Thanks, Red Mensch,

Oy vey!!! What are the voters in Minnesota smoking?

You elected an anti-Semite to the state's Attorney General's office and another to Congress!

You voted a dirty, rotten schmuck Keith Ellison to be Minnesota's chief law enforcement officer. I guess the voters wanted an expert in domestic violence. We don't know if it's the state law he'll be enforcing.....or shariah law.....Stay tuned, we'll find out soon.

Four years ago, he came out against the Second Amendment. As a Jew, I know what happens when law-abiding citizens are disarmed, and only the police and the military have the guns.

This putz is friendly to the AntiFa jerk-offs, and he supports 'sanctuary cities.' God help us.

The hipster, liberal  Doofuscrats in Minnesota CD 5 elected Somali-Muslimist Ilhan Omar to be their next representative. She'll be taking Ellison's place in The U.S. House of Representatives. She also hates Jews.

This hateful klafte suggested that White men should be put in chains since they refuse to submit to Allah. Someone needs to tell this bitch that if you try to put American men in chains, the men of America will slaughter you.

This smarmy pisher married her own brother to keep him in the country even though she was already married. That's bigamy as well as immigration fraud. 

The voters in CD 5 would vote for ANYBODY as long as they have a 'D' next to their name. If Charley Manson, Fidel Castro, or Colin Kaepernick ran for Congress in this hotbed of commie-leftism they wouldn't BE ABLE TO LOSE!

Dear Minnesota, is this the best that you can do? Why do you have to inflict this crap on the rest of the country?

'The First Thanksgiving' By Kamala Harris

Happy Thanksgiving to my readers. Here to tell the story of the first Thanksgiving is California Senator, Kamala Harris.

Gather around, children.

Once upon a time, the indigenous people living on this continent lived happily and in total harmony, but then the White devil came and destroyed the world they knew. 

The evil White pilgrims arrived in this wonderful wilderness, and began to chop down all the trees. The Ku Klux Klan and the ICE agents discovered brown-skinned persons, and arrested them.

They forced the brown-skinned natives to build huge cages, and broke up the families. They made little coops for the children. Everyone was hungry.

Meanwhile the evil White devils felt the November nip in the air, and started to freeze. They had trouble growing food, and begged the proud native-Americans to teach them how to grow food. 

The White honky fools finally let the brown-skinned natives out of their cages, and they saved the White devils, teaching them how to grow victory gardens. They grew lots of corn, pumpkins, and sweet potatoes. They shot turkeys and deer with their bows-and arrows. 

The backward White devil knew they owed their lives to the dark-skinned neighbors, and Thanksgiving was created.

After feasting on Turkey, the White devils took a nice nap, and when they woke up,they put the indigenous people in reservations and gave them blankets laced with smallpox. 

ICE agents threw many families out of the country while their Ku Klux Klan buddies threw lynching parties.

That is the story of Thanksgiving.

Happy Halloween From Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi

Hello, it's the wicked socialist witch of the West, California Representative Nancy Pelosi. 

I'm here at The House of Representative Building, measuring the new drapes I'll be ordering for when The Blue Wave washes away the Republican majority on November 6.

Also, I'm planning our Halloween Party. Dianne Feinstein is already bobbing for bribes with some friends from China.

Members of our Democrat caucus are decked out like AntiFa thugs, breaking into Republican offices and spray-painting their walls. Later on, they will be throwing toilet paper and eggs all over the White House.

Our members are just engaging in some of that 'Democrat civility' you keep hearing about on the news.

After the Democrats take back Congress, expect non-stop investigations! We'll impeach The Great Orange Pumpkin Trump as well as Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh!

Say goodbye to your Trump tax cuts. Next year, scaaaaary IRS agents will replace cute trick-or-treaters at your door!

My Democrat colleagues are putting together some really scary costumes. Representative Maxine Waters will be a scary apple tree from The Wizard of Oz, George Soros will be evil Emperor Palpatine, and New York Senator Charles Schumer will be Grandpa Munster!

As usual, Representative Frederica Wilson will wear what she wears every day, because she believes EVERY day is Halloween.

I just hope the Republicans don't call for an exorcist. The unclean spirit living inside my head wouldn't like that.

That's all for now,

Nancy Pelosi, former and future Speaker of The United States House of Representatives.

Bert And Ernie Sets The Record Straight

Recently, a writer for Sesame Street disclosed that buddies Bert and Ernie are gay. We thought that we'd let the duo respond to this claim:

Bert: Thanks RedSquirrel Report....

Thanks for letting us respond. While, it's true that Ernie and I are very close friends, we have not nor ever had a gay relationship.

Ernie: That's right, Bert. We are two red-blooded, hetero dudes. We like girls. When Bert and I go out, it's boy's night out. I'm his wing-man, because....

Bert: No, Ernie, It's not like that. We're Muppets, and we don't really have any type of sexuality, and.... 

Ernie: Hey buddy, SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!!! The writer outed us, and I'm really sick of these political correctness bastards ruining our innocence! Also.....I LIKE GIRLS!!!!

They've ruined education, movies, television, childhood, music, and religion. Now, these pro-Sodomite jerks are telling everyone that we're gay.

Bert: Not that there's anything wrong with that....

Ernie: Dammit Bert, there you go again! You're so wishy-washy and politically-correct! Maybe I should REALLY come out of the closet, and tell the world who I really am!

O.K., here it comes!!! I VOTED FOR DONALD TRUMP, I WATCH FOX NEWS, I WANT ILLEGAL ALIENS OUT OF OUR COUNTRY, AND I LIKE GIRLS!!!!

Bert: Wow, Ernie. I never really thought that much about politics. I thought we were just two lovable characters on a TV show for kids, though adults think we are cute, too.

Ernie: So, if you're a grown man that thinks Bert and Ernie are cute, does that make you gay?

Bert: I don't think so.

Ernie: So, let's wrap this up. Bert and Ernie are not gay. We're Muppets. Our characters are just buddies, and we want to keep our innocence.

Bert: I love you, man.

Ernie: (laughs)

Our Correspondent At The Kavanaugh Hearings

Our correspondent, Sister Mary Brokenknuckles sends us this report:

God Bless......

Mother Mary, full of Grace.....I cannot believe the hate, sin, and dishonesty I am witnessing here at the confirmation hearings for the wonderful Judge Brett Kavanaugh. Last week, I saw pro-abortion protesters obviously possessed by unclean spirits, trying to stop his confirmation.

I saw Minnesota's Senator Amy Klobachar, and I said a little prayer for her soul even though I'm not absolutely certain she has one.

Then, there's the Devilcrats on this committee. Corey Spartacus Booker, Kamala the Great Whore Harris, Richard Da Nang Blumenthal, and the other apostles of Satan. I wanted to say a little prayer for these heathens, but I didn't want to ruin their close, intimate relationship with the evil one.

Then, there was the testimony from the false witness, Christine Blasey Ford, who accused Judge Kavanaugh of sexually assaulting her 35 years ago at a party. When her voice changed in the middle of her testimony, I thought she was possessed by a demon. I was going to run out of the chambers and call for an exorcist. She didn't know where or when it happened, or who else was there.

Her hair covered her face, she laughed inappropriately, and she was obviously not credible. She said she had a fear of flying, but she was caught in that lie. She flies all over.

When it was Judge Brett Kavanaugh's turn to testify, he forcefully proclaimed his innocence as Kamala The Great Whore Harris smirked and rolled her eyes. 

I understand that his darling, angelic daughters are praying for his accusers. 

Now, wishy-washy RINO Senator Jeff Flake wants the F.B.I. to investigate this silliness. He thinks that Judge Kavanaugh was being a real meanie to his accusers by showing anger. I think that his soul is possessed by the ghost of John McCain.

Let's remember what this is all about. Pro-abortion activists will do absolutely ANYTHING to stop the confirmation of highly qualified Judge Brett Kavanaugh, and they would destroy him AND his family as a warning to all conservatives. 

Stay out, Godly Conservatives, DC belongs to us!

God Bless.

When They Go Low, We Go High

Former First Lady Michelle Obama once said 'When they go low, we go high.' I think what she REALLY meant was...........:

When a Republican plays softball, one of our supporters shoots and almost kills him.

When a Republican nominates a man for the Supreme Court, we make baseless, vicious, phony charges against him and try to force him to withdraw his nomination.

When a Republican tries to take his wife out for dinner, we harass them until they leave the restaurant. When two conservatives go out for some coffee, we harass them.

When an outsider dares to win a presidential election, we create a phony dossier, use the cable news channels to spread fake news against him, corrupt the F.B.I., and try to destroy him as well as his family.

When our enemies assemble, we send our psychotic supporters to physically assault them.

Just remember, When they go low, we go high!

Adios Nike Pendejos (Zac Brown Band Song Parody Alert)

I got an In-n-Out burger, and some Chick Fil-A
I got Adidas on my feet,
I threw my Nike's away
Life is good today. Life is good today.

Adios, Nike Pendejos
I've change my shoe brand today
Kaepernick kneels, so Nike gave him a new deal
He needs to just go away

Adios, Nike Pendejos
I changed my shoe brand today
He has got rich, but all Screech does is bitch
Because no team wants to sign him to play

Hank Hill: Has Minnesota Lost It's Mind?

A man in Texas sent us this:

My name is Hank Hill, and I live in a small town in Texas. I work at a place where we sell propane and propane accessories.

Like many people, I am concerned about the upcoming election. I read in the newspaper that voters in Minnesota are thinking about electing Keith Ellison for their state's Attorney General. I hear that he has physically abused his former girlfriend, yet Democrats voted for him anyways.

He was one of the most extreme, leftist members in Congress, and he has stated that he wanted to do away with the Second Amendment, which protects our right to keep and bear arms. That guy just ain't right.

My neighbor Dale is a conspiracy nut, and he told me about Ellison. I did some research and learned that Dale was RIGHT. I also learned that Ellison supports AntiFa. Those violent, commie bastards go around beating normal people up while wearing black masks. 

Has Minnesota lost it's mind?

In the past, you have elected a professional wrestler, a trust fund brat who mumbles almost as incoherently as my neighbor Boomhauer, and a coke head comedian. Now, I hear you night elect an abusive Muslimist boyfriend as your state's Attorney General. God help us all!

Hoping to take Ellison's place as Representative in Minnesota Congressional District 5 is another Muslim. Her name is Ilhan Omar.

I've been reading up on her numerous ethical lapses. Apparently, she married her own brother to keep him in the country, then used campaign funds during the 'divorce.' She despises our friends Israel, and wants sharia law.

Maybe she should've stayed home where they already have sharia law. I wonder what's in the water in those 10,000 lakes.....

The minister at our local church is from Minnesota. She's very friendly, but I think she would erase the boundaries that separate us from our neighbors to the South. I think she supports 'sanctuary cities,' I would like to have a sanctuary from foreign whack-jobs like ultra-violent MS13 and America-haters running for Congress.

I think that Minnesota can do better than Keith Ellison and Ilhan Omar.

Hank Hill, Arlen Texas.

Ralphie Wiggum: I Support Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez!!!!

Two months ago, political upstart Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez pulled off an upset victory in New York's 14th District Democrat primary, defeating State Representative Joe Crowley. Here to comment is our friend from Springfield Elementary School, Ralphie Wiggum.

YAY!!!!

Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez (My mouth is tired after saying her name!) shocked the political world by defeating political insider Joe Crowley. She will face a Republican meanie in November, and hopefully will represent New York's 14th congressional district.

Her eyes are very wide and big, so I'm sure she sees the big picture better than most people. She also has a very pretty smile, so I believe that she is nicer than her opponents,

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is a socialist, which is nice. We should strive to be more sociable. 

She wants to share our wealth, which is important. Sharing is nice. She also wants to reunite those kids taken away from their parents on the border by Trump, the orange meanie. 

All the poor people should be allowed to come to America without having to climb over a wall. It's not fair that we have all the money and food, so I hope that someday we can just open the border to everyone.

With Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in Congress, I hope that America will become more like Venezuela. I hear there's free health care and college there.

She also wants Israel to share their country with the Palestinians. Those Jews are bullies, and Casio wants to give their neighbors a home. Many people think that's unpossible, but I believe it can be done!

I hope that you'll vote for her. Some nice Democrats came to my elementary school to get us registered to vote, so I hope to see you at the polls on Election Day!

May the state bless you!

Ralphie

This Is Bullshit (Paul Manafort And Muslim Terrorists)

Former Trump Campaign Director Paul Manafort faces life in prison for tax fraud, but the Muslim terrorists who trained children to carry out school shootings in New Mexico laugh at our country after posting $20,000 bail..

I Do Wha-Eva I Want!!!

When you watch the news, does it ever seem as if liberals have a zero-tolerance policy against common sense? They pass laws banning plastic straws,  Styrofoam food containers, and pop tarts bitten into the shape of a gun.

As liberals pass one ridiculous ban after another, some people are gearing up to protest this silliness. Here with a commentary is rebellious 8-year-old conservative Eric:

So, they're banning plastic straws in California. I'll be smuggling plastic straws by the crate....BECAUSE I DO WHA-EVA I WANT!!!!

After that, I'm gonna go to a restaurant with my Mom, and I'm gonna demand a Styrofoam food container....BECAUSE I DO WHA-EVA I WANT!!!!

When we get home, I'm gonna open a lemonade stand, and when some commie-lib tries to shut me down, I'll point a pop tart bitten into the shape of a gun at 'em and tell 'em GET OFF MY PROPERTY!!! I DO WHA-EVA I WANT!!!!

In fact, I think America's founding fathers told King George WE DO WHA-EVA WE WANT as they dumped the tea off Boston Harbor.....

God bless America.

Eric

More Words Of Wisdom And Civility From Representative Maxine Waters

....Hold on, I'm not finished yet!

Restaurants should also be forced to serve everybody except Republicans!!!! That's right. Right wingers should be forcibly starved. I remember the good old days when the Communists in Ethiopia would use famine to get people in line!

Also, I am very happy to hear that special prosecutor Mueller has given Tony Podesta immunity in exchange for his testimony against Paul Manafort. I think we should give all Democrat criminals immunity if they will offer testimony that will throw a Republican in PRISON!!!

I love Whoopie Goldberg on 'The View'! She had that right-winger Jeanine Pirro on the show, then got up in her face, then threw her out of the building! We all need to get up in their faces, swear at them, then have them thrown out. We should do this to right-wingers at all public spaces. In fact, right-wingers who support Trump shouldn't be allowed to go anywhere in public! 

We should be rounding them up, and putting them in re-education camps!

I would like to be in every voting booth on Election Day. If you catch anyone voting Republican, you should call the police!

If we can throw all Republicans in prison, and register 40,000,000 undocumented immigrants, we can put an end to Election Day! Then, we can pass 'reasonable gun control' laws and tax the rich until they CRY UNCLE!

Politicians like me can steal anything not nailed into the ground! I HAVE A DREAM!!!! YOU'RE A RACIST IF YOU DON'T SUPPORT ME!!!!!!

That's all for now. Vote for me.

Trump SC Pick Brett Kavanaugh Terrifies Pajama Boy

Last week, President Trump nominated Judge Brett Kavanaugh to replace Justice Anthony Kennedy on the U.S. Supreme Court. Leftists attacked and protested Trump's pick immediately.

Here with a commentary is our very own panic-stricken correspondent, Pajama Boy:

Thank you, RedSquirrel....

Right now, I am reporting from my heavily fortified pillow fort because that orange terror Donald Trump has nominated another right-winger for the Supreme Court.

Candidate Kavanaugh will take away all our rights, and I may lose my right to vote! Women may lose Roe vs. Wade, and we may have our pussy caps taken away!!

I watched him accept his nomination on TV, and saw his family. The elder daughter looks like the 16 year-old girl who bullied me until my Mom had to pull me out of school. I've learned that Kavanaugh is a basketball coach. I bet he blows a whistle like a guard in a concentration camp!

Kavanaugh looks like a happily married White man. THE HORROR!!! I understand he's Catholic, so he'll be taking orders from the Vatican. My hands are shaking as I hold on to my cup of hot cocoa with both hands! This is so terrifying!! My carpel-Tunnel syndrome is flaring up.

Later on, I may take the risk of going outside and scream at the sky until our neighbors tell me to knock it off. 

I am hoping the protesters can persuade Kanavaugh to withdraw his nomination, and we can replace him with someone more centrist, like Ruth Bader-Ginsberg or Elena Kagan.

Well, that's all for now. I'm going upstairs for more hot cocoa.

PB

This Week's RSR Poll (Should Peter Strzsok Be Awarded A Purple Heart?)

Last week, disgraced FBI agent Peter Stzsok testified before the House Judiciary Committee. His smug and sneering antics caused an uproar on Twitter.

Tennessee Democrat Steve Cohen told Strzsok that if he could, he'd award him with a Purple Heart. Many, many war heroes and their families were profoundly offended by Cohen's remark.

Our RSR Poll question is:

Based on his televised testimony, would you:

1. Give Peter Strzsok a Purple Heart, or

2. Give Peter Strzsok a purple eye?

Words Of Wisdom And Civility From Rep. Maxine Waters

My fellow Democrats.....Undocumented immigrants.....violent criminals.....corrupt government officials and career government criminals....Black Lives Matter.....AntFa.....

This is the time to get right up in our opponent's face, and harass the heck right out of them! Confront them when they go out for dinner....If you see a Trump administration official or anyone with a 'Make America Great Again' baseball cap, harass them if they walk into a McDonald's. 

Harass them when they are at the gas pumps! Harass them if their car takes unleaded or if their car is nice!

Harass them when they go into the Kwik-E-Mart! Harass them at K-Mart! 

Chase them around their OWN NEIGHBORHOODS, loudly blowing a whistle to let them know that they have been CAUGHT LIVING THEIR LIVES!!!!

Harass their kids. Harass that rich White boy Baron Trump! Remember, he's just as guilty as Cheeto Head himself!

Rise up, Democrat Zombies! It's time to take over the country! Start EATING anyone you suspect of having voted for Cheeto Head! CHOMP, CHOMP, CHOMP!!!

Break into their houses, and IMPEACH THEM!!! All conservatives should be afraid to leave THEIR OWN HOUSES!!! Only then, will this country will reach SOCIAL JUSTICE PERFECTION!!!!

THANK YOU, AND MAY GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!

Who Would Like To See Bill Murray Host A Sunday Morning News Program?

'Nancy Pelosi is NUTS!'

Did I Miss The Rapture?

Dear RedSquirrel Report,


My name is John, and I live in South Minneapolis. Lately, I have had the feeling that The Rapture has already happened, and I must have missed it. The Christians have disappeared and I see Muslims everywhere.

At night, I take a trip to the grocery store and it seems that everyone is dressed in Muslim garb. Their women waddle up and down the aisles, and young Somalis appear to walk in packs yapping in non-English gibberish..

I watch the news, and there's that story about the welfare fraud involving the Somali daycare center. On my block they closed the Rainbow Foods next door. They also closed the Chinese cafe and the tobacco shop. It's been replaced by the 'Universal Academy  Charter School.' I guess the word 'universal' is a synonym for 'Muslim', because it's a school for Muslims.

It appears there are probably 30-40 students, and at the end of their day, 7 or 8 buses line up to take them home. When I went to school in the 1970's-1980's, you could put 30 kids on a school bus. I wonder what's going on here.

Their 'playground' is the former Rainbow Foods parking lot. Someone put up fencing, so the playground looks more like a prison yard.

On the positive side, no one's forced me to take the sign of The Beast yet. I can still buy or sell, and go to work. On the other hand, many Muslims in front of me use their EBT card, which the cashiers readily accept. When I pay in cash, the cashier holds my $20 bill up to the light. Maybe carrying cash is a suspicious thing.

Being a 'Christian' in Minneapolis means 'supporting sanctuary for illegal aliens.' I don't remember Jesus commanding his flock to do this. 

Of course, Minneapolis is ran by radical leftists, so it seems like we're governed by the Anti-Christ.

Thanks for listening. John in South Minneapolis

A Pep Talk For The Democrats

The Democrats are excited about the possibility of taking back the House of Representatives in November. Here to talk about this blue wave is a leading Democrat spokesman:

My fellow Democrats....

I want to tell you just how excited I am with talk of a 'blue wave' sweeping across America on Election Day 2018. We are poised to take back the House of Representatives, and the only real item on our agenda is the impeachment of that orange Jedi clown, Donald Trump.

There are other things to attend to. We must undo the Republican tax cuts and increase regulations on productive, greedy Americans. We must stop the building of the Trump's Wall, or risk losing millions of new Democrat voters 

Since our party have turned our backs on Black Americans in favor of illegal immigrants, we've seen the biggest drop in Black unemployment in this country's history. Of course, I give the Democrats credit for this.

My Sith lieutenant Darth Obama continues his work within the shadow government, undermining the current administration. He continues to work, using the dark side of misinformation along with CNN to confuse the public and build hate against Cheeto Head.

Our IRS and FBI stormtroopers continue to harass normal, everyday American ewoks and protect our unelected Queen Hillary.

Grand Moff Mueller is keeping Prince Manafort in our dungeon, and we hope that our prisoner gives us the needed information that will help us squash this pathetic, little rebellion against our globalist establishment.

This November, the American people will turn to the dark side, and bring an end to the reign of Prince Cheeto Head and his America-First agenda. They will DO IT, OR THEY WILL DIE!!! Thank You.

Emperor George Soros Palpatine

The #MeNeither Movement

In October 2017, the Me Too Movement exploded on the scene, and virtue-signalling victims the world over jumped on the bandwagon. People of both genders came out of their closet and claimed to be either assaulted, harassed, or looked at in a creepy way.

If you weren't a victim, chances are you are a rapey, harassing pig.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent proposes an alternative movement. I call it The #MeNeither Movement. It's my reaction to loud, extremely vocal minorities everywhere. If you want to know if you belong in this new movement, Here is my 10-point checklist:

10. Do you want to see a 'blue wave' to come on Election Day 2018? #MeNeither

 9, Do you claim special victim status based on your skin color or gender? #MeNeither

8. Are you hoping that Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller can overrturn the 2016      Presidential Election? #MeNeither

7. Do you think that confiscating guns from law-abiding citizens will deter crime? #MeNeither

6, Do big, dumb jocks influence you politically? #MeNeither

5, Do you lose sleep at night because no team has signed QB Colin Kaepernick? #MeNeither

4, Do you agree with Bernie Sanders when he says that income inequality is a TRAVESTY? #MeNeither

3. Do you agree with Nancy Pelosi when she calls tax cuts 'Armageddon'? #MeNeither

2. Do you agree with Barack Obama when he calls climate change 'America's greatest national security threat'? #MeNeither

1. Do you trust CNN to report the news fairly and accurately? #MeNeither

Roseanne Cancelled: A New RSR Poll Question

The world is in an uproar over a tweet by TV star Roseanne Barr. ABC quickly cancelled her #1 show after she suggested in a tweet that former Obama adviser Valerie Jarrett is the offspring of The Muslim Brotherhood and Planet Of The Apes.

The comedienne deleted the racially offensive tweet, but it wasn't enough to save her top-rated television program.

This brings us to our new RSR poll. Our question for you, our readers, is this:

Which creature DOES former Obama adviser Valerie Jarrett resemble more?

 

 

Dr. Zira from Planet Of The Apes

 

 

 

or a vampire bat?

Results from our poll will probably not be published anytime soon.

Yakov Smirnoff Reports From Venezuela

It appears that Venezuelan dictator Nicolas Maduro has won another 6-year term. Here with his report is RSR correspondent, Yakov Smirnoff:

Thank you, Red Squirrel, heh, heh, heh....

Vhat an election here in socialist paradise! Hehe, heh, heh, heh....Communist dictator Nicolas Maduro wins with 110% of the vote!......Just kidding, he wins with 64% of the vote.

Maduro touted his 'Venezuela miracle!' Actually, his miracle was that he made his opponents disappear! Hehe, heh, heh! He's like a magician!

Apparently, he won with some very popular campaign promises. He promised a 'cat in every pot.' Of course, you would have to catch the cat yourself. Heh, heh, heh....

He also gave the voters a choice. You either get promised food rations or a map to your local zoo, where you can kill and eat the animal of your choice.

Maduro was very popular with dead voters! Is this Venezuela or Chicago!?

Many voters approved of the big crackdown on anti-government protesters. Maduro ordered his state police to give 'warning shot'. Actually, he just mowed down protesters as a 'warning to anyone thinking about protesting the government.'

Heh, heh, heh. Vhat a crack-down!

I better get out of here. It looks like about 10,000 spoil sports are gathering to protest the result of this election!

This is special correspondent Yakov Smirnoff in social paradise Venezuela, Back to you, Red Squirrel....

Sister Mary Roasts Comedienne Michelle Wolf

A few weeks ago, the White House Correspondent's dinner showcased a nearly unknown comic Michelle Wolf. The high-pitched disaster insulted the women in President Trump's administration, and her performance was almost universally panned.

Here to comment is our correspondent Sister Mary Brokenknuckles:

God bless....

What individual or committee of degenerate asses thought hiring this disaster was a good idea? Before this 'performance', almost nobody had ever heard of Michelle Wolf. After her performance, most normal Americans agreed that Bozo is one unknown comic who should be performing with a paper bag over her head.

She looks like what would happen if  Debbie Wasserman-Schultz was impregnated by a heroin-addicted circus clown. I'm a Catholic nun, but after that performance I'm re-thinking my stance on contraception.

The red-headed devil child insulted Sarah Hackabee-Sanders. Now,if you took away Sarah's class, intelligence, grace, and beauty, you know what you'd have?......Michelle Wolf!

All the laughing metrosexual hyenas at the White House Correspondent's Dinner should have their knuckles smacked. Demon-possessed jerks.

Mother Mary, full of grace.....

I'm glad that our wonderful President didn't attend this 'dinner'. He should have sent an armada of exorcists instead.

One good thing has resulted from Bozo's performance. I understand that the National Emergency Broadcast System will be using that nasally, whiny siren in case of  a national emergency.

God bless.

This Is Bullshit (Facebook And Obamacare)

Let me get this straight. A few weeks ago, Facebook embattled CEO Mark Zuckerberg was called to testify before Congress. Everyone's having a cow over data mining, and people are angry over Facebook using your information. The last time I looked, no one's forcing you to sign up.

On the other hand, Obamacare was considered mandatory. Many Americans were actually harmed by this terrible legislation. Barack Obama committed consumer fraud when he said 'If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor.' 

Why isn't Barack Obama being called to testify before Congress? 

This Is Bullshit (The Stormy Daniels Story)

Let me get this straight. President Trump supposedly had an affair with porn actress Stormy Daniels 12 years ago, and they had an agreement that he will pay her $150,000 if she never tells anyone.

She takes the money, but tells the world about this supposed affair anyway.....and TRUMP'S LAWYER may be in legal trouble?

On top of that, her slimy lawyer is on CNN every day setting the narrative. What am I missing?

This Week On 'That's Incredibly Sick!' (Fire At Trump Tower)

This week on 'That's Incredibly Sick!', a fire at Trump Tower kills a man and injures several firefighters, and sick, Trump-hating douches joke about it on Twitter.

What makes these weirdos tick? Find out on this episode of 'That's Incredibly Sick!'

The Barack Obama Weather Report (April 3, 2018)

Global warming caught up with the Easter Bunny on Sunday. It was 11 degrees in Minneapolis, and if you added in the wind chill, it felt like 3 degrees. DAMN YOU, GLOBAL WARMING!!!

Oh, this just in! There's a Winter storm alert until tomorrow, and we expect 6-8 more inches of snow. I blame America and the industrialized West for this. It's STILL WAY TOO WARM.

If you remember, I brought the coal industry to it's knees before they could destroy the Earth as well as your children's future. The orange man is bringing the coal industry back and ruining the planet.

Now, he's ruining my legacy as he rolls back my beloved gas mileage emission standards. Soon, bald eagles will begin to spontaneously combust and your children will die from heatstroke.

As the Republicans allow the polluters to choke Mother Earth, the coastlines will recede, drowning millions of Americans. To combat global warming, we should rely on clean, reliable solar energy and unicorn farts.

That's the Barack Obama weather report. Back to you, Colleen and Bill!

BREAKING NEWS: TRUMP TO ANNOUNCE RESIGNATION TOMORROW

Yuk, yuk, yuk. Happy April Fools Day to all you anti-Trump haters out there.

Is It Just Me?.....

....or does anti-gun activist David Hogg remind you of Randy, the bratty puppet from 1980's kid's show Pee-Wee's Playhouse?

Hillary Clinton Song Parody Osborne Bros. 'It Ain't My Fault'

I blame the loss on the voters
and blame the voters for the loss
I blame America and the men
Comey made Trump the boss

The Russians ruined my brand
My campaign workers weren't so bright
The single women who didn't vote
They ruined my Election Night

But it's not my fault
No, it's not my fault
I'm supposed to be prez
I wasn't supposed to lose
It's not my fault

Blame the Right Wing for my losin'
and I blame Bernie too
and blame my lousy doctor
for giving me the flu

Blame Google Twitter bots
Sexists and the racists too
All the voter suppression
The Blacks and The Jews

But it's not my fault
No, it's not my fault
I was supposed to win
It was my legacy
But it's not my fault

I was leading
I had a blue wall
I didn't have to campaign or make any robo-calls
America made a mistake
You elected the wrong one
I didn't have to campaign in Wisconsin

I blame my husband
for ruining our family name
and I blame facebook
Fake news is also to blame
I blame those blue states
for turning flaming red
and I blame Steve Bannon
for the mean things my opponent said

But it's not my fault...............

Meet America's Gold Medal Hockey Babes

Two weeks ago, Team USA Women's hockey team won the gold medal in a thrilling shoot-out with Team Canada, yet almost nobody knows these incredible, young women. Today, we meet two of our gold medal babes, Amanda Kessel and Hilary Knight.

Blond cutie Amanda Kessel was born in Madison, Wisconsin, and played college hockey at The University Of Minnesota. On November 18, 2010, Amanda scored an incredible 4 goals against the New Hampshire Wildcats in a game where the Lady Gophers tamed the Lady Wildcats, 11-0. Meow.

Hot off that dominating performance, Amanda strapped on the pads and scored another hat-trick the next night as her team pounded the Lady Wildcats into submission. 6-1.

We asked Amanda if there was anything the USA Women's Olympic squad did that promoted team chemistry going into the gold medal game against Canada. She surprised our interviewer when she said that she and her teammates painted each other's toenails red, white, and blue. Dammit, she's cute.

Slender, Brunette beauty Hilary Knight was born in Palo Alto, California, and played college hockey for the Wisconsin Badgers. Currently, she's a superstar for the Boston Pride of The National Women's Hockey League, where she seems to score at will.

Hilary has played in three Olympics, and so she is more experienced than the other girls.

We asked the slender brunette what it takes to play defence against a hot team like Canada. She told us that it's tough because those Canadian women are so hawt and they score a lot.

We noted the Oops, I Did It Again shot, and asked Amanda and Hilary if either one of them have a nickname for their shots. They giggled.

Finally, we asked her about her favorite lip gloss. She and her Olympic team mates love Triple X.

So, there you have it. These women are terrific hockey players, and yet they're beautiful, All-American gals. Some of them tie their hair back with cute pony tails. On top of that, they have heart-melting smiles.

They are America's new dream team. Rawr.........

Our Hollywood Correspondent At The Oscars

On Sunday night, Hollywood put on it's Academy Awards, and our correnspondent was there. Sister Mary Brokenknuckles, take it away:

God bless, RedSquirrel....

On Sunday night, immoral Hollywood weirdos celebrated their wickedness, and gave themselves graven images. There was amazing hypocracy on display, with Hollywood hussies show off their emaciated bodies on the red carpet, and then they complain about the Harvey Weinsteins of the world.

Hollywood glorifies gun violence, then trash actual gun owners.

Screenwriter James Ivory won a 'Best Adopted Screenplay' Oscar for his 'work' on 'Call Me By You Name.' The film depicted a budding 'romance' between a 25 year old man and a 17 year old boy. Enjoy you graven image in purgatory, weirdo.

I wonder what former child actor Corey Feldman thought of this example of pedophile filth. Maybe Kevin Spacey can portray a Catholic priest next time.

Jimmy Kimmel, former host of the game show 'Guess What's In My Pants', hosted the Academy Awards. I understand that he hosts a late-night talk show, where he bad-mouths our wonderful President Trump, and yaps tearfully about issues such as health care.

I remember a time long ago when late-night talk show hosts were funny. When I want to know what I should think about the important issues, I'll wait and see what Jimmy Kimmel or Meryl Streep has to say about it. (rolling my eyes)..............

Gary Oldman won the 'Best Male Actor' award for his fantastic portrayal of Winston Churchill in 'Darkest Hour'. Apparently he sinned during his acceptance speech, and thanked America. You could hear vials of cocaine drop inside the Dolby Theatre. Literally.

These immoral Communist weirdos gave Mr. Oldman the silent treatment when he thanked America. They cheer and almost ejaculate on themselves for child rapist Roman Polanski, but one actor thanks America.......stone silence.

It makes me wanna smack their knuckles with a ruler or call an exorcist.

Final note: This Oscar telecast had it's lowest TV ratings ever. I think The Oscars are for entertainment writers. Normal Americans have tuned out.

God Bless.

Our Art Critic Reviews The New Obama Portraits

Everyone on Twitter is either offended by or amused with these recent portraits of Barack and Michelle Obama, so The RedSquirrel Report has asked our art critic to write a piece. Take it away, Jerome:

Thank you, RedSquirrel. The portrait of our Black savior Barack Obama by anti-White artist Kehinde Wiley, has been unveiled, and the regular, uneducated, right-wing racist plebes are offended. The messiah is seated on a chair, with one arm resting over the other.

I stood and looked at the portrait on the right side, then walked over to the left side. I could have sworn The Messiah's eyes followed me. It almost seems like there's a soul trapped inside the painting.

He sits before a wall of kudzu weeds. To me, this wall of weed depicts Chicago's Wrigley Field, which would be the only place in Obama's gun-free paradise where a messiah can model for a portrait without being shot. Perhaps he wanted to sit before  marijuana plants, but decided not to.

Kudzu is an invasive herb, fundamentally transforming everything in it's path. To me, this plant represents the growing federal government under his 9-year-reign. Kudzu laughs at The Racist Constitution, and chokes-out Lady Liberty.

The Messiah has four fingers on one hand and six fingers on the other, and that reminds the viewer that he is not like the rest of us.

The 'artist', Kihinde Wiley, is known for paintings depicting strong Black women beheading White women. White racists bring this up because they couldn't stand the thought of a Black man in the White House.

'Michelle Obama', by Amy Sherald, is depicted with long, flowing hair and soft, feminine features. The painting looks more like Rozonda 'Chilli' Thomas from the 90's singing group, TLC than the former First Lady.

The female in the panting isn't scowling, and her shoulders aren't broad like Labron James. If the former First Lady wasn't there to unveil the painting, nobody would know who the female in the painting was.

The Second Government Shutdown In Three Weeks

February 9, 2018 5:02 A.M.: .....and last night, the dysfunctional Republican-led Congress couldn't agree with themselves and pass a new budget, and the government shut down at midnight. This is the second federal government shut-down in three weeks. If you're visiting a federal park, the rangers will begin throwing you out.

Once again, the Republicans has shut America down. You can't visit The Washington Monument OR The Smithsonian Institute. Your bank will be closed. If you're on public assistance, you won't be able to see a doctor. Wait.....there's breaking news....

The Senate has just passed a budget............Remember all that stuff I mentioned a minute ago?....Nevermind................

Maxine Waters Responds To President Trump's SOTU

Americans responded very positively to President Trump's State Of The Union address a couple weeks ago. We at The RedSquirrel Report believe in getting ALL points of view, so we asked California Democrat Maxine Waters for her response to Trump's speech.

Take it away, Maxine....

Shut up, you racist rodent....

I boycotted it, but I'm here to deliver the Black response to Trump's First State Of The Union Address....

First things first. The racist maniac Trump wants to cut taxes as well as regulations. I don't think he has the decency or the intelligence to know what will result. Millions of new jobs for Americans? We Democrats depend on a large, permanent underclass that keeps us in power, but does he ever think of US???? No!!!! He's a damn racist.

My fellow Democrats refused to stand and applaud the lowest Black unemployment rate ever recorded. Us Democrats don't care about jobs. WE WANT REPARATIONS!! Jobs are for little people and honkeys.

Racist cops all over America are shooting innocent Black teenagers. I don't remember that monster with orange hair mentioning THAT in his State Of The Union blab fest! Nowhere in his SOTU did he propose taxpayer-funded statues of Trayvon Martin or Michael Brown! They were assassinated by White racists!! This country will never heal from it's racism!

That psychopath Trump wants people (EVEN UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS) to obey our laws. I say that laws are for racist honkeys! We Democrats believe in OPEN BORDERS!!!! We want new voters, and if the Rethuglicans won't agree to our demands, then I say we let everyone vote!! Mexicans, Hondurans, Iranians, ect.

Illinois Congressman Luis Gutierrez angrily stormed out of the room when the Rethuglicans chanted 'USA!!!USA!!!' The GOP RACISTS actually think we work for the American people. That's how out-of-touch these racists are!

Trump is undoing Barack Obama's legacy. My fellow Americans, this is grounds for IMPEACHMENT!!! We had fundamentally transformed America, and this interloper Trump has ruined everything we worked SO HARD FOR!!!

We had better get rid of this or this clown with orange hair will make the federal government work for racist normals!!!

That's it, Maxine out!!!

RedSquirrel's Hollywood Minute

Welcome to RedSquirrel's Hollywood Minute


Earlier this month, Oprah Winfrey gave men a real tongue-lashing during her impassioned acceptance speech at The Golden Globe Awards. But, we bet that you didn't know before that tongue-lashing....






....Oprah gave serial-movie mogul Harvey Weinstein a real tongue-LICKING....in the EAR!


Ooooh! Hooray for Hollywood! This has been your RedSquirrel's Hollywood Minute!