And Now, A Word From Our New Sponsor

It's the most wonderful time of the year, and this Christmas is even more special. President Trump has just signed the biggest tax reform in over 30 years, and you're handing out bonus checks to all your terrific, hard-working employees.

Well, MOST of your employees are hard-working.

There are other employees who arrive to work late, and leave early. Sometimes they don't even show up. They're also the employees who start the arguments at the water cooler when they should be working.

They are the employees who constantly yap about what a hateful, racist Nazi President Trump is. There's a spiteful few who even say they're gonna tear up their Trump bonus check and throw it in the fireplace.

Why hand out bonuses these leftist ingrates may not even accept? Instead, why not give these special employees a gift they will appreciate?

Enroll your special snowflakes in THE JELLY OF THE MONTH CLUB. It's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year!

The Airing Of Grievances

Festivus happened this week, and part of this secular holiday is dedicated to the airing of grievances. I've got a lot of problems with you people....and now you're gonna hear about it. Here are a few of mine:

Grievance number one: The rise of inyourfacism in professional football. Have you ever noticed the players celebrate after EVERY PLAY now, complete with an array of taunts and obnoxious gestures? Aside from the terrible officiating, my least favorite thing about professional football is when the wide receiver signals that he's made the first down.

Don't get me started with end zone celebrations. Enough with all the idiotic showboating. Act like you've been there before.

Grievance number two: Some of you guys who Sing or rap loudly on the light rail, bus, or sidewalk. Usually, it's you Black guys who do this. Much of it is punctuated with 'f-bombs'. I am tempted to offer you $5 if you'll just stop it.

My term for this activity is 'that idiot is auditioning'. I want to throw my hand up in the air like Simon Cowell and say 'Next!' Much of the time you guys sound as if you're severely brain-damaged.

Grievance number three: Some leftist jerks on Twitter basing your obnoxious snark on liberal lies or talking points.

Example: The Democrats smear candidate Roy Moore with allegations of sexual improprieties. He loses the election, and contests the results. Then, leftist twits on Twitter say 'Oh, that Moore just doesn't take 'no' for an answer. Har de har har....'

Grievance number four: Minneapolis brings in so many immigrants from third world countries that it looks like a third world city. The city has lost about a quarter of it's population since 1960, yet boasts the largest Somali population outside of Somalia itself.

Almost every week there will be a moment when I am the ONLY non-Somali at Cubfoods, and I'll wonder, 'Did I miss The Rapture?'

Actually, Minneapolis doesn't really look like an impoverished third world country. It looks like ALL the impoverished third world countries combined. This city is so far to the left Colin Kaepernick could be elected mayor.

It's a miserable place, ruined by political correctness, leftist hipsters and outsiders.

That's all for now. As you were.

Unhinged Democrats Express Their Opposition To Tax Reform

As the Republicans in Congress pass the big tax reform bill, unhinged Democrats express their dismay:

Nancy Pelosi said: This tax bill is morally obscene theft that does damage to the vision of our founders.

Bernie Sanders called it a travesty.

Meanwhile, Oregon Senator Ron Wyden said this:

This law will steal from the poor and middle class, and shower Trump's rich friends with trillions of stolen cash. It will blow a hole in the defecit, and pile on trillions of debt on our children's back.

This law will cause millions of poor to starve in the street, and deprive 90,000,000 of their health care. Everyone except for Trump's friends will die.

Wyden continued:

I want to look these Republicans straight in the eye and tell them what a bunch of rotten, no-good, poopy-headed, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, greedy, over-stuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking,dog-kissing, inbred, ignorant, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sacks of monkey shit they all are! Hallelujah! Holy shit!! Where's the Tylenol?

It's safe to say he's opposed to this legislation.

Democrat Doug Jones Elected In Alabama

Liberal Democrat Doug Jones defeated controversial Republican Roy Moore in Alabama's special election to replace former Senator Jeff Sessions. Sessions left the Senate to become President Trump's Attorney General.

The Republican candidate was besieged with several 40-year-old allegations of sexual indiscretions a month before the special election. We go to Doug Jones' victory speech in progress:

First of all, I want to thank that ambulance-chasing witch Gloria Allred and those Democrat staffers who did such a great job posing as victims! That forged yearbook almost gave us away, but those holy-roller Trump voters believed in our smears and stayed home! (Audience cheers wildly.)

WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE ISSUES!!! (Audience cheers wildly.)

More than HALF of our state's Trump's 1.3 million voters stayed home, although many of Moore's ballots were probably thrown out! (Audience cheers wildly.) What a bunch of suckers!!!

That brings me to our team of smear artists! You guys and gals at CNN, ABC, CBS, MSNBC, ect., constantly harped on these phony allegations! YOU FOLKS ARE SHAMELESS!!! (Audience cheers wildly as Jones laughs.)

Y'all HEAR THAT??? They're cheering at CNN headquarters!!! (Audience cheers wildly.)

But we couldn't have won without Black voters!!!! (Audience cheers) Even in deep-red Alabama, IDENTITY POLITICS RULE!!! (Audience cheers wildly.)

Our team painted Roy Moore as a psychotic, wild-eyed racist! Our people lied their asses off, suggesting that Moore loved slavery! (Audience cheers, then 'boo' Moore.)

I also humbly thank all our friends in Mississippi and South Carolina who bussed angry Blacks from those states to the voting booths. (Audience cheers wildly.) I also thank all the FELONS! WE COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU!!! (Audience cheers wildly).

Last of all, I want to thank Roy Moore for being SUCH A TERRIBLE CANDIDATE!! (Audience laughs.)

Roy thought that his imaginary friend in the clouds would deliver victory tonight!(Audience laughs.) It looks like Yahweh isn't the best campaign director!!! (Audience laughs.)

Yahweh told Roy to hide from the voters!!! (Audience howls with laughter.)

Thank you! May Moloch bless this great state!!!!(Audience cheers wildly.)

Nancy Pelosi: Tax Reform Is 'Armageddon'

As the Republicans in Congress move tax reform through, the Democrat chicken littles cry 'The sky is falling!'

Here to express her dismay is Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi:

Thank you, RedSquirrel,

My dear Americans, this is Armageddon! It's the end of the world! Many, many, many Americans are going to die because congressional Republicans want to return some money back into the hands of the greedy rich!

Children and adults on welfare will be hardest hit. Undocumented immigrants will be robbed, and super-rich corporatists will have their hands in the pockets of the working poor!

Teachers won't be allowed to write off school supplies, and those devilish Republicans insult them with doubling the standard deduction' for all taxpayers. This legislation will cause blood to rain down from the sky!!!

Then, these demonic conservatives will un-do our Lord and Savior Obama's 'Individual Mandate', taking our health care system out of the government's hands. Dear god, I am trembling with fear!!!

There is screams and the gnashing of teeth in my side of the aisle!! How can a non-existent god allow this??!!!

Come to think of it, I believe it says in the bible that the anti-christ had orange hair.

Upset,

Nancy