The President's Thanksgiving Address To America 2013

My fellow Americans,

As you get together with your family and enjoy your Thanksgiving turkey, I would like to take this time to make a few suggestions about what every American should be thankful for.

When you bow your heads, be thankful for Obamacare. Thanks to me, millions of Americans will get free healthcare, and no one will be denied life-saving care even if they suffer from a pre-existing condition.

Your President would appreciate it if you call your Republican congressmen and women and demand that they support Obamacare. It's their obstruction that puts my agenda in peril.

It's not fair that some folks will do anything to harm my legacy. Need I remind my critics that I won re-election last year, and I get to do anything I want.

For all you college students, I made your education affordable. All I ask is that you remind your right-wing parents of this fact as you're passing the cranberries. Go to my website Organizing For Action. com for official talking points before heading home for the holidays.

My website will arm you with THE TRUTH in case your relatives try to 'get up in your face.'

After dinner, chances are that your family will want to watch some football. I suggest you tell grandpa that you believe that The Washington Redskins REALLY SHOULD change their racially-insensitive team nickname.

To everyone at General Motors who would like to thank me for saving the auto industry, I say, 'You're welcome.'

Many of you may be wondering if there are a few things that your god-like President might be thankful for:

I am thankful for low-information voters and the lying suck-ups in the state-run media.

Also, I am thankful for my friends in The IRS who harassed conservatives while I stole the election.

I also want to give a special shout-out to MSNBC host Martin Bashir who has offered to 'feed' Sarah Palin.

I am also very thankful for insanely corrupt and mentally unhinged control freak politicians here in DC. I wouldn't have been able to achieve my father's dream without these morally defective maniacs.

Gobble, gobble.

Your Dear Leader, President Barack H. Obama.

The More You Know (Martin Bashir Edition)

Suggesting that someone should defecate into somebody else's mouth is not normal....

....even if you're a host of a cable news program that nobody watches.



Suggesting that someone should defecate into somebody else's mouth is REALLY, REALLY sick. If you have some uncontrollable desire to blurt out something this sick and bizarre to your 400 viewers, it may be a sign that you need help.

And Now, Another Word From Our Sponsor

I liked my health plan before Obamacare happened. Now, my boss tells me that our employee plan is cancelled, and I know lots of people who will be paying a lot more for their health insurance.

Obamacare. Even a caveman knows that it's a terrible law. 

Hosurance: A Commentary By Sister Mary Bloody Knuckles

Today, we welcome back our Faith and Religion correspondent, Sister Mary Bloody Knuckles, with this commentary on the new Obamacare 'ho-surance' ad. Take it away, Sis:

God bless. Good day to you, you mischievous, snickering little red rodent.

The moral degenerates at The Obama regime and their heathen allies have rolled out a new ad campaign designed get all you little millennial rabbits to sign up for that ungodly rip-off, Obamacare.

While that psychotic witch Kathleen Sebelius lies about that cyberspace nightmare healthcare.gov, a new ad in Colorado promises free contraception for young whores. In the ad, a wide-eyed young miss has her naughty parts all-excited because she has her handy birth control pills paid for by the taxpayer.

My God, this slut looks like she's possessed.

Our little Kenyan dictator is busy, destroying the morals of this country, and his gang of communist weirdos from hell are sodomizing taxpayer AND freeloader alike.

So, this is why he has been harassing Christians all along. These Alinskyite maniacs hate and laugh at decency, and envision a country of immoral, jobless, dependent ne'er do-wells looking for kicks. These parasites despise hard work and virtue, while they feed off it.

If Mr. Obama is a Christian, then I am Harvey the 20-foot rabbit.

Lay your hands on your desk, Mr. Obama. I have my ruler out, and I'm about to smack your knuckles good an' bloody, you demonic Marxist PUNK!

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsor

I just saved 25% on my health insurance....

....by impeaching Obama.

Obamacare By Morning, Over Six People Served

During the opening of last night's CMA Awards, hosts Carrie Underwood and Brad Paisley brought down the house as they mocked Obamacare. They used George Strait's classic tune 'Amarillo By Morning' to make their point.

Maybe this song parody can rally the country against this scam.

I imagine that everybody will add a verse or two to this song, so here's mine. Enjoy:

Obamacare By Morning I can't seem to enroll
America's in trouble, and deeper in the hole
My plan was cancelled, and we're no longer free
Obamacare By Morning, is where I'll be

Obamacare By Morning, Why is this taking so long?
I'll wind up with Hemorrhoids, sitting here all week long 
I have cataracts and dementia, and I'm down to my last nerve
Obamacare By Morning, over six people served
 
They took away my health plan, it's been replaced by this scam
This website's driving me crazy, and Sebelius doesn't give a damn
I remember when this plan was mine, back when I was free
Obamacare By Morning, is where I'll be

The RedSquirrel Report Endorses Cam Winton

On Tuesday, the voters of Minneapolis will elect a new Mayor.

Your bushy-tailed pundit is endorsing renewable energy businessman and political newcomer Cam Winton.

I am voting for this outsider because he speaks like someone who demonstrates the market discipline of a businessman, not a bureaucrat. I think that's what he means when he refers to himself as 'a fresh set of eyes.'

The candidate has appeared on The Northern Alliance Radio Network with Mitch Berg and the Up And At 'Em Show with Jack Tomczak and Benjamin Kruse, and appears to be what I am looking for in a steward of the taxpayer's money. He will lead the fight against wasteful spending.

Candidates Betsy Hodges, Mark Andrew, Don Samuels, Jackie Cherryhomes are all former members of The Minneapolis City Council, the body that brought us big, shiny boondoggles instead of making sure that our city has enough cops. Cam Winton is a dark-horse outsider who describes himself as "fiscally conservative and socially inclusive".

By fiscally conservative, I take that as meaning he's against large, pricey boondoggles that his opponents have generally supported. Cam Winton believes in spending the taxpayer's money on basic services, like more police officers and filling the city's potholes in a prompt manner.

In 2004, The City of Minneapolis completed The Hiawatha light-rail line. It costed over $700,000,000 to build, and goes to The VA Administration Building, The Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport, and The Mall of America.

We have city buses 7C, 7D, and 7E that used to do that, so we didn't need a train. Now, the money-wasters want to waste even more money on street cars. Cam Winton is leading the opposition against this wasteful spending. He also opposes the wasteful spending on Orchestra Hall, which now sits empty. To my way of thinking, this is welfare for the rich---and it is foolish.

Cam Winton isn't a fire-breathing conservative, but this bushy-tailed conservative believes that he is the best candidate for this office.

See you at the polls.

Comedian Jackie Mason Tells It Like It Is

This is The RedSquirrel Report Evening News, with anchor Jackie Mason:

Good evening,

In Washington, That good-for-nothing, lying schmuck Barack Obama told several more whoppers today, as millions of Americans had their health plans cancelled. What gets me is he lies and lies, then lies about having lied. It's a wonder that his tongue hasn't fallen out of his mouth.

This lying weasel spends all his time lying. It's like he has a mental disease. If he wasn't President, he'd be locked up in prison or in the nut house.

It used to be respectful thing to be President. We Americans used to look up to our Presidents, but this creep acts like that obnoxious, crying 7-year-old jerk who would sit behind you in class, smacking you in the back of the head. Then, he cries to the teacher after you retaliate. What a classless chump.

This schmuck always says he knows nothing. Biden knows nothing. Hillary knows nothing....yet he always acts so haughty like he's Mr. Know-It-All.

This dirty schlemiel is always pointing his finger, and is always blaming everybody else when he screws things up, then takes credit for everything right after telling us that everything stinks.

He blames a video for our heroes getting killed in Benghazi, The NRA for Fast And Furious, then after The American People complain about cancelled health plans, he says,'Don't blame me, blame your health plan for cancelling itself.'

He says if you like your health plan, you can keep it. He lied like crazy for 5 years. He lied on TV. He lied on the campaign trail. He lied in speeches. Then the American people got their cancellation notices.

Watch, he'll say the cancellation notice you got in the mail isn't real. It's just a mirage.

His low-information putzes will believe him. What a psychotic, lying schmuck.

Ob-La-Di, Ob-Ba-Ma

Desmond tried to log in to the marketplace
but the brand new website it was down
His health care plan he had to replace
on his keyboard he began to pound and pound

Ob-La-Di, Ob-Ba-Ma, Health Care Law (Blech)
Obamacare's the law of the land
Ob-La-Di, Ob-Ba-Ma, Health Care Law (Blech)
His premiums just went up another grand

Five hours later he went and tried again
but that website still didn't want to work
He tried to find out much he'll have to spend
Those Democrats are a bunch of effing jerks

Ob-La-Di, Ob-Ba-Ma, Health Care Law (Blech)
Obamacare's the law of the land
Ob-La-Di, Ob-Ba-Ma, Health Care Law (Blech)
His boss told him they had to cancel his plan

In a couple of weeks, they say the website should be ready to go
With his jobless kid, can remain on his plan,
Desmond will be so deep in the hole

He's still tries to log in to the marketplace
Obama tells him that he should shop around
Desmond wishes the government would get off of his case
looky here, the friggin' website is still down

Ob-La-Di, Ob-Ba-Ma, Health Care Law (Blech)
Obamacare's the law of the land
Ob-La-Di, Ob-Ba-Ma, Health Care Law (Blech)
Desmond's boss told him that they cancelled his plan

In a couple of weeks, they say the website should be ready to go
With his jobless kid, can remain on his plan
Desmond will be so deep in the hole

Desmond's trying to get in the marketplace
but it's more than he can stand
He has gotten lost in cyberspace
His premiums went up another grand

Ob-La-Di, Ob-Ba-Ma, Health Care Law (Blech)
Obamacare's the law of the land
Ob-La-Di, Ob-Ba-Ma, Health Care Law (Blech)
It looks like the government has cancelled our plan

If you wanna be sick. Think Ob-Ba-Ma-Ma-Care