HEADLINE: INSUFFERABLE DOUCHE TAKES CREDIT FOR RECORD U.S. OIL PRODUCTION

2015:

I am here aboard Air Force One making an anti-oil video....

....because Air Force One runs on unicorn farts.'

2018: 

Suddenly America is the largest oil producer. That was me, people. Say 'Thank you.'

Kolchak: Invasion Of The Vote Snatchers

Here to tell a very scary Election Day story is our new staff reporter, Karl Kolchak:

November 2018.....

It's two weeks after Election Day, and the smoke has yet to clear on the midterm elections. It appears that there was no so-called 'blue wave', yet the Democrats have won the majority of races in the U.S. House of Representatives. 

It seems a strange thing has happened. This reporter has discovered 'vote snatchers' loose in different areas throughout the country, stealing elections for The Democrats. 

Republican gains in California's Orange Country have disappeared, and the entire county has turned an eerie blue.

In center-right Arizona, Republican Martha McSally's Election Night lead has evaporated, and ultra-freaky.vagina hat-wearing Democrat Kyrsten Sinema has mysteriously found enough votes to snatch that race away. Perhaps an alien life form have snatched the bodies of Republican voters in the Grand Canyon State, and replaced them with new Democrats.

Or maybe it could be the bodies of the previously living have carried the strange Democrat candidate across the finish line. The Democrats are very popular with dead voters.

The Communist/Democrat gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum ALMOST won in mostly conservative, affluent Florida. We've seen some very weird things happen in Florida before. In 1994, a fresh-face conservative named Joe Scarborough won a seat to Congress, and yet we are to believe the very same guy is NOW an ultra-leftist morning host on MSNBC.

This reporter believes that Joe Scarborough has been replaced by a 'body snatcher.'

The strange thing is that only Republicans and their votes are snatched away, while Democrats find thousands, perhaps millions, of votes after Election Day. The dead as well as illegal aliens are voting illegally, and the election snatchers are running wild.

They are here . You may be next.

Minnesota Elects Anti-Semites: A Jackie Mason Commentary

Here to give an American Jew's perspective on Election Night 2018 is our political correspondent, Jackie Mason:

Thanks, Red Mensch,

Oy vey!!! What are the voters in Minnesota smoking?

You elected an anti-Semite to the state's Attorney General's office and another to Congress!

You voted a dirty, rotten schmuck Keith Ellison to be Minnesota's chief law enforcement officer. I guess the voters wanted an expert in domestic violence. We don't know if it's the state law he'll be enforcing.....or shariah law.....Stay tuned, we'll find out soon.

Four years ago, he came out against the Second Amendment. As a Jew, I know what happens when law-abiding citizens are disarmed, and only the police and the military have the guns.

This putz is friendly to the AntiFa jerk-offs, and he supports 'sanctuary cities.' God help us.

The hipster, liberal  Doofuscrats in Minnesota CD 5 elected Somali-Muslimist Ilhan Omar to be their next representative. She'll be taking Ellison's place in The U.S. House of Representatives. She also hates Jews.

This hateful klafte suggested that White men should be put in chains since they refuse to submit to Allah. Someone needs to tell this bitch that if you try to put American men in chains, the men of America will slaughter you.

This smarmy pisher married her own brother to keep him in the country even though she was already married. That's bigamy as well as immigration fraud. 

The voters in CD 5 would vote for ANYBODY as long as they have a 'D' next to their name. If Charley Manson, Fidel Castro, or Colin Kaepernick ran for Congress in this hotbed of commie-leftism they wouldn't BE ABLE TO LOSE!

Dear Minnesota, is this the best that you can do? Why do you have to inflict this crap on the rest of the country?

'The First Thanksgiving' By Kamala Harris

Happy Thanksgiving to my readers. Here to tell the story of the first Thanksgiving is California Senator, Kamala Harris.

Gather around, children.

Once upon a time, the indigenous people living on this continent lived happily and in total harmony, but then the White devil came and destroyed the world they knew. 

The evil White pilgrims arrived in this wonderful wilderness, and began to chop down all the trees. The Ku Klux Klan and the ICE agents discovered brown-skinned persons, and arrested them.

They forced the brown-skinned natives to build huge cages, and broke up the families. They made little coops for the children. Everyone was hungry.

Meanwhile the evil White devils felt the November nip in the air, and started to freeze. They had trouble growing food, and begged the proud native-Americans to teach them how to grow food. 

The White honky fools finally let the brown-skinned natives out of their cages, and they saved the White devils, teaching them how to grow victory gardens. They grew lots of corn, pumpkins, and sweet potatoes. They shot turkeys and deer with their bows-and arrows. 

The backward White devil knew they owed their lives to the dark-skinned neighbors, and Thanksgiving was created.

After feasting on Turkey, the White devils took a nice nap, and when they woke up,they put the indigenous people in reservations and gave them blankets laced with smallpox. 

ICE agents threw many families out of the country while their Ku Klux Klan buddies threw lynching parties.

That is the story of Thanksgiving.

Happy Halloween From Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi

Hello, it's the wicked socialist witch of the West, California Representative Nancy Pelosi. 

I'm here at The House of Representative Building, measuring the new drapes I'll be ordering for when The Blue Wave washes away the Republican majority on November 6.

Also, I'm planning our Halloween Party. Dianne Feinstein is already bobbing for bribes with some friends from China.

Members of our Democrat caucus are decked out like AntiFa thugs, breaking into Republican offices and spray-painting their walls. Later on, they will be throwing toilet paper and eggs all over the White House.

Our members are just engaging in some of that 'Democrat civility' you keep hearing about on the news.

After the Democrats take back Congress, expect non-stop investigations! We'll impeach The Great Orange Pumpkin Trump as well as Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh!

Say goodbye to your Trump tax cuts. Next year, scaaaaary IRS agents will replace cute trick-or-treaters at your door!

My Democrat colleagues are putting together some really scary costumes. Representative Maxine Waters will be a scary apple tree from The Wizard of Oz, George Soros will be evil Emperor Palpatine, and New York Senator Charles Schumer will be Grandpa Munster!

As usual, Representative Frederica Wilson will wear what she wears every day, because she believes EVERY day is Halloween.

I just hope the Republicans don't call for an exorcist. The unclean spirit living inside my head wouldn't like that.

That's all for now,

Nancy Pelosi, former and future Speaker of The United States House of Representatives.

Bert And Ernie Sets The Record Straight

Recently, a writer for Sesame Street disclosed that buddies Bert and Ernie are gay. We thought that we'd let the duo respond to this claim:

Bert: Thanks RedSquirrel Report....

Thanks for letting us respond. While, it's true that Ernie and I are very close friends, we have not nor ever had a gay relationship.

Ernie: That's right, Bert. We are two red-blooded, hetero dudes. We like girls. When Bert and I go out, it's boy's night out. I'm his wing-man, because....

Bert: No, Ernie, It's not like that. We're Muppets, and we don't really have any type of sexuality, and.... 

Ernie: Hey buddy, SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!!! The writer outed us, and I'm really sick of these political correctness bastards ruining our innocence! Also.....I LIKE GIRLS!!!!

They've ruined education, movies, television, childhood, music, and religion. Now, these pro-Sodomite jerks are telling everyone that we're gay.

Bert: Not that there's anything wrong with that....

Ernie: Dammit Bert, there you go again! You're so wishy-washy and politically-correct! Maybe I should REALLY come out of the closet, and tell the world who I really am!

O.K., here it comes!!! I VOTED FOR DONALD TRUMP, I WATCH FOX NEWS, I WANT ILLEGAL ALIENS OUT OF OUR COUNTRY, AND I LIKE GIRLS!!!!

Bert: Wow, Ernie. I never really thought that much about politics. I thought we were just two lovable characters on a TV show for kids, though adults think we are cute, too.

Ernie: So, if you're a grown man that thinks Bert and Ernie are cute, does that make you gay?

Bert: I don't think so.

Ernie: So, let's wrap this up. Bert and Ernie are not gay. We're Muppets. Our characters are just buddies, and we want to keep our innocence.

Bert: I love you, man.

Ernie: (laughs)

Our Correspondent At The Kavanaugh Hearings

Our correspondent, Sister Mary Brokenknuckles sends us this report:

God Bless......

Mother Mary, full of Grace.....I cannot believe the hate, sin, and dishonesty I am witnessing here at the confirmation hearings for the wonderful Judge Brett Kavanaugh. Last week, I saw pro-abortion protesters obviously possessed by unclean spirits, trying to stop his confirmation.

I saw Minnesota's Senator Amy Klobachar, and I said a little prayer for her soul even though I'm not absolutely certain she has one.

Then, there's the Devilcrats on this committee. Corey Spartacus Booker, Kamala the Great Whore Harris, Richard Da Nang Blumenthal, and the other apostles of Satan. I wanted to say a little prayer for these heathens, but I didn't want to ruin their close, intimate relationship with the evil one.

Then, there was the testimony from the false witness, Christine Blasey Ford, who accused Judge Kavanaugh of sexually assaulting her 35 years ago at a party. When her voice changed in the middle of her testimony, I thought she was possessed by a demon. I was going to run out of the chambers and call for an exorcist. She didn't know where or when it happened, or who else was there.

Her hair covered her face, she laughed inappropriately, and she was obviously not credible. She said she had a fear of flying, but she was caught in that lie. She flies all over.

When it was Judge Brett Kavanaugh's turn to testify, he forcefully proclaimed his innocence as Kamala The Great Whore Harris smirked and rolled her eyes. 

I understand that his darling, angelic daughters are praying for his accusers. 

Now, wishy-washy RINO Senator Jeff Flake wants the F.B.I. to investigate this silliness. He thinks that Judge Kavanaugh was being a real meanie to his accusers by showing anger. I think that his soul is possessed by the ghost of John McCain.

Let's remember what this is all about. Pro-abortion activists will do absolutely ANYTHING to stop the confirmation of highly qualified Judge Brett Kavanaugh, and they would destroy him AND his family as a warning to all conservatives. 

Stay out, Godly Conservatives, DC belongs to us!

God Bless.