And Now, 'The ''We're All Gonna Die'' Weather Forecast

It's an absolutely Hellish 90 degrees out there . This record-breaking heat is unprecedented in human history, perhaps even WORLD HISTORY, and the government is warning all Americans to stay inside DURING THIS MAJOR HEAT ADVISORY.

If you have any elderly relatives or friends, check in on them to make sure that they HAVE NOT BEEN ROASTED IN THIS JULY OVEN!!!

Here at the station we are hearing reports of Bald Eagles SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTING. If YOU HAVE TO USE AIR CONDITIONING JUST REMEMBER THAT YOUR A/C UNIT MAY BE CONTRIBUTING TO GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE, AND YOU MAY BE KILLING PEOPLE IN FRANCE AND SPAIN.

Also, the use of dirty fossil fuels may cause fires and unhealthy smokey conditions AND WE MAY EXPERIENCE A WEATHER APOCALYPSE OR EXTINCTION LEVEL EVENT THIS WEEKEND!!!

DO NOT GO OUTSIDE FOR ANY REASON. DON'T PLAY BASEBALL OR VOLLYBALL. IF YOU WORK IN CONSTRUCTION, LEAVE WHERE YOU ARE AND THROW YOURSELF INTO THE NEAREST LAKE OR YOU WILL DIE!!!!!

WHEREVER YOU ARE, EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY!!!!! THE SKY IS FALLING!!!!!! THE SKY IS FALLING!!!!!

(Here's a clip of an American experiencing heatstroke, wearing his pants on his head and calling for a taxi in the middle of the desert):

And now for the 3-day forecast......

IF THE WORLD HASN'T ENDED WHERE YOU ARE, IT WILL BE EVEN WORSE TOMORROW ...UNLESS YOU CHOOSE TO ATTEND A COMMUNIST OR PRIDE PARADE WHERE WE'RE EXPECTING A NICE BREEZE!!!

FOR THE REST OF YOU, IT MIGHT REACH 92 OR 93 DEGREES with cancer-causing UV rays beating your head in TO A PULP!!! GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!!