Saturday, December 31, 2016

Some Predictions For 2017

Unhinged Democrats in Congress will try to impeach President-elect Donald Trump before he takes office.

During Donald Trump's first week in office the unemployment rate will mysteriously double.

There will be a remake of the 1985 teen comedy, Weird Science. In the 2017 version, two nerds use their computer to create the perfect woman. She gets a job as a FOXNEWS anchor.

Mexican President Enrique Nieto offers to pay for the wall after realizing that former President Obama has brought all of Mexico's criminals and most of the world's jihadists into America.

President Donald Trump turns Guantanamo Bay Detention Center into a prison for former President Obama's administration officials.

The Chicago Cubs will win back-to-back World Series, and Barack Obama will somehow make it about himself.

Friday, December 30, 2016

An RSR Exclusive: Our Six-Year-Old President's Bucket List

Our petulant, lame-duck president is scheduled to leave the White House on January 20, but that doesn't mean he can't still do a lot of damage on his way out.

In an RSR Exclusive, we have uncovered the president's bucket list of outrageous executive orders he will issue before he is physically removed from the White House:

10. Start a war with Russia

  9. Announce Palestinian nation.

  8. Have a big going away party at the White House on January 19, and trash the joint.

  7. Announce a new 20% dhimmi tax on pork products.

  6. Declare a caliphate in America.

  5. Give the UN power to regulate gun ownership in the United States.

  4. Announce that the B. Hussein Obama Presidential Library will be built at the site of The soon-to-be-torn-down Ronald Wilson Reagan Library.

  3. Strip all Christian churches of their tax-exempt status.

  2. Presidential pardons for Bowe Bergdahl and Charles Manson.

  1. Close Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp, and let the remaining inmates loose.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Top 10 SNL Sketches I'm Waiting To See

Last month, I checked out SNL with guest host Dave Chappelle. I haven't really watched since Darryl Hammond left the show, and I was curious to see any sketches relating to the 2016 presidential election. I thought the election night sketch with Chris Rock was pretty good, but I had the feeling that SNL was still largely a pro-lefty program.

Here are the top 10 SNL sketches that I am breathlessly waiting to see. If the gang at SNL have already done any of these sketches, let me know. I am watching lots of funny stuff on facebook and Twitter, so I haven't been paying attention to network TV:

10. The Hillary Clinton Mental Breakdown On Election Night Sketch

  9. The Vladimir Putin Hacks The Presidential Election Sketch

  8. The Mr. Podesta's Slumber Party Skit

  7. The Colin Kaepernick Riding The Bench And Bitching About Racial Inequality Skit

  6. The Black Lives Matter Skit

  5. The Pajama Boy Skit

  4. Barry Obama Crying Over The Meanies At FOXNEWS Skit

  3. The Leftist, Pro Hillary Snowflakes Skit

  2. The Election Night Meltdown On CNN, MSNBC, NBC, CBS, And ABC Skit

  1. Celebrities Leaving America Because Trump Won Skit

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Santa Claus Writes A Letter To Michelle Obama

Santa Claus
Dear Michelle,

I decided to write this letter because I really can't take your bitching and whining anymore. As you know, I know when you have been naughty or nice. I also know what your husband has done to your wonderful country.

When your husband promised 'fundamental change', many Americans didn't know that he was going to transform it into a divided, third world craphole. And so, for the last eight years I've put a reindeer turd in his Christmas stocking. Your creepy husband has done so much damage that I don't know what I'm going to put in his stocking this year. I'm so glad the ass-hole will be gone in January.

As for you, I'm so damn sick of you bad-mouthing America. I get letters from kids across the country cursing  you over your hideous, almost inhumane school lunch program. Where in the Hell do you get off complaining about ANYTHING? You have lived rent-free at the most exclusive residence in the world. You have a staff serving your every desire. You live like a damn queen while little Christan and Yazidi kids are raped and murdered by inbred creep Muslim bastards while your idiot husband attacks Christians in America.

So, you say that 'hope is gone' with the election of Trump. Tell that to the residents of your gun-free Democrat-controlled paradise Chicago.

You are so screwed up I'm thinking about sticking a one-way ticket to Aleppo inside your Christmas stocking.  The world despises complainers, and I'm profoundly sick of you and that husband of yours.

You need help.

Yours truly, 

Santa Claus 

And Now, The REALLY Fake News

.....The new unemployment numbers were released today, and unemployment is at an 8-year low at 4.6.%. President Obama delivered the wonderful news at a press conference, where he took the Republican-controlled Congress to task for deliberately opposing his Obama Recovery.

In other news, Democrat presidential candidate Hillary Clinton leads Republican candidate Donald Trump by 7% according to leading presidential pollsters. Later on, our panel will laugh at Trump and tell our viewers that he has no chance at winning the election.

Also, 26 women have leveled charges against that meany Donald Trump. Apparently, he's called some of them names at some time in the past. What's more shocking is that some voters still plan to vote for Trump in November. Simply deplorable.

In truly scary news, Russian Premier Putin has ordered the American election to be hacked. Our fearless president Barack Obama has said that he will get to the bottom of this development. Many Democrats point to the fact that since Hillary Clinton led in the presidential polls, there was no way that the Republican candidate could have won the election without cheating.

After these commercials, our weather god will explain Global Climate Change.....