Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Pajama Boy Comments On The Election

Three weeks ago, America spoke, and elected a new President. Billionaire real estate mogul and reality TV star Donald Trump won in a big electoral landslide. We welcome our new correspondent, known to America as Pajama Boy, to comment on the election.

Thank you, RedSquirrel Report.

As I watched that wretched racist, sexist, homophobe Donald Trump steal the election from the comfort of my pillow fort, I cried just like those poor, despondent Hillary supporters on TV. I saw America destroyed as my man-crush Rachel Maddow delivered the awful news:

'We are in Hell. Donald Trump has been elected the 45th President of the United States.'

I could barely hold on to my cup of hot cocoa (with both hands) as Hillary's blue wall of Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin came crashing down. It was almost as if Republican terrorists were bombing my Mom's house!

Then I watched all the anti-Trump protests on TV, and some Trump voters get a well-deserved beat down by upset Hillary supporters. I don't support the beating of Trump-supporters, but I understand it.

Right now, I'm so afraid! What will happen to America with this maniac in the Oval Office? Women who have abortions will be rounded up and thrown in Trump's gulags! Also, Trump will break up millions of Mexican families! 

What will happen to Obamacare? I'm almost losing my mind thinking about it!

If I go into a girl's bathroom, will Trump send his secret police to arrest me? You have to excuse me. I THINK I'M HYPER-VENTILATING WITH FEAR!!!

On the other hand, I am hopeful that Dr. Jill Stein, Green Party candidate, can overturn this rigged travesty. I asked my Mom to contribute to her recount effort.

Well, that's all for now. I think I'll go upstairs and ask my Mom to heat up some more milk.

Pajama Boy.

Green Day Anti-Trump Song Parody Alert

Do you have the time
To hear us cry and whine
about that racist sexist homophobic Trump?
There are millions of melodramatic fools
who bitch about broken rules
Hating Trump is cool

America is on the brink
Let's burn the kitchen sink
The votes they tallied up
wasn't quite enough
And now we are gonna burn your business down!

We don't want to think
We just know that Trump's a dink
Hillary lost and that's bringing us down
They did it to Al Gore
We'll burn down your store
We love Common Core
We know the election was rigged!

Russian hackers stole it for Trump
We are so down in the dumps
The votes they tallied up
wasn't quite enough
Trump is a Nazi...We demand a re-count!

We are so butt-hurt.....
The electoral college has got to go....

An RSR Exclusive: A Report From Hillary Campaign Headquarters

On Election Night, we had a special correspondent at Hillary Clinton Campaign Headquarters. This timeline is what he saw:

At 5:00 p.m., the candidate is upbeat, and her campaign staff  has uncorked the champagne.

At 7:00 p.m., some numbers are dribbling in, and an already angry Hillary has cancelled the celebratory fireworks.

At 9:30 p.m., Florida has gone to the opponent. Hillary berates campaign spokesman Robbie Mook.

At 11:00 p.m., Hillary's blue wall begins to crumble. Pennsylvania is uncomfortably close, and Ohio is gone.

At 12 midnight, Hillary has been drinking heavily. As the electoral map turns red, she gets up from the couch and screams at campaign director John Podesta, yelling:


At 12:30 a.m., Clinton physically attacks Podesta. Several staffers restrain her, and her on-site doctor gives her a sedative.

At 1:00 a.m., Pennsylvania goes red. Clinton sends Podesta out to speak to her supporters.

At 2:00 a.m., Clinton falls asleep in a drunken stuper. Trump is declared the winner.

At 2:30 a.m., An unidentified Hillary Clinton voice impressionist with the campaign calls President-elect Trump to concede the election.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Red Forman's Message For Hillary Clinton Voters

On November 8, the American people elected Donald Trump president. Supporters of Democrat candidate Hillary Clinton were left in shock, and many became despondent. As her electoral blue wall of Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin crumbled, America watched Hillary's unhinged supporters crying on TV.

Our Election Night correspondent Red Forman files this commentary:

C'mon, all you special little snowflakes. It's about time you get up out of bed. All you pajama boys and girls can't stay frozen in the fetal position forever.

Four years ago, Obama won (or stole) re-election. We who voted against him didn't spend the next two weeks crying over it. We got up the next morning, and went to our jobs while our co-workers gloated.

Your candidate lost. It's time to move on with life. Just repeat after me:

'Donald Trump has been elected, and I'm going to be o.k.'. Good. You can tell yourself that Hillary won the popular vote if you like, but the winning margin came from illegal aliens, dead voters, rigged voting machines, voters illegally voting multiple times, and the leftist welfare state basket case called California.

Most Normal-Americans can't stand Hillary.

Speaking of California, some leftists want to secede from America. Hillary won California by 3.7 millions votes. If they break away from the union, do you Dems think that you have a better chance of winning the presidential election in 2020?

There are the dumb-asses who are 'protesting' the election of president-elect Trump. C'mon. kids, time to grow up. Even my idiot son Eric has moved on. On my Twitter feed, I'm seeing many instances of violence against Trump voters. Some of you need a big foot in your ass. Knock it off.

You were lied to. We were all lied to. The mainstream news media were trying to suppress the anti-Hillary vote. Hillary was over-confident, and Trump out-hustled her.

Now, let's get behind our president-elect.

Friday, November 4, 2016

The Ten Best Reasons To Vote For Hillary Clinton

Election Day is next Tuesday, and Hillary Clinton voters still cannot give an intelligent rationale for their support for her. Many of her supporters say that it's time for a female president, but even that's a lie. Republican candidate Carley Fiorina is a woman, but Hillary supporters would never think about voting for the former Hewlett-Packard exec.

We at The RedSquirrel Report believe in raising the level of discourse. Critical thinking is important, and so is the truth. There ARE many good reasons to vote for Hillary Clinton. Here are the ten best reasons to vote for Hillary Clinton:

10. You believe everything that CNN says.

  9. You feel sorry for everyone caught up in those Wikileak emails and Project Veritas videos.

 8. Your Obamacare premiums aren't HIGH ENOUGH....

 7.  You don't need cheap, plentiful energy because you ride the bus.

 6.  Hillary Clinton stole from Haiti Disaster relief. If she can be that cruel to poor Haitians, imagine what she can do to those annoying right-wingers!

 5.  You also practice satanic rituals, such as spirit cooking.

 4.  You think that Donald Trump is great, big meany.

 3.  You think it's O.K. to raise your neighbors taxes as long as it goes to Muslim refugees and illegal aliens.

 2. Sharia law sounds great.

 1. You don't think there's ENOUGH corruption in The White House.