Monday, February 29, 2016

The GOP Foodfight

You have to admit that this has been the wildest campaign season ever. Donald Trump has been the Bluto Blutarsky of The GOP. Oh look, he just pulled Carley Fiorina's pigtails. Hey, look over there. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is pulling Florida Senator Marco Rubio's pants down.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz points out Trump's record, and now Trump is going to the playground monitor, threatening to sue Cruz. Now, The Donald is sticking a cream pie in Jeb Bush's face. This GOP campaign is a riot!

We haven't had this much fun since The Germans attacked Pearl Harbor (Don't stop me, I'm on a roll). Oh, look at this! Now, Ted Cruz is going Bluto on the always mellow Dr. Ben Carson. He just told unsuspecting voters that Carson is dropping out of the race! It's like the neurosurgeon had an acoustic guitar, and Cruz smashed it.

I propose that the Republican National Convention be turned into a giant toga party, and invite Otis Day and The Knights to perform.

In 2016, all of the energy is with The GOP. While the Democrats feature two, decrepit Socialist Progressive Communists yapping about their failed ideology, the Republicans are owning this election cycle. Just take a look at the TV ratings of their debates.

Hey look, Ted is holding Don's arms, and Marco is giving the billionaire a purple nurple. I wonder if they'll try to stick his face in the toilet.

Friday, February 26, 2016

10 Ways Hillary Clinton Can Still Out-Commie Bernie Sanders

It appears that Socialist candidate Bernie Sanders is gaining on supposed front-runner Hillary Clinton. In fact, she may be losing.

Here are The Top 10 ways that she can get those ultra-leftist voters back into her camp:

10. Grow a Josev Stalin moustache

 9. Wear a Hammer and Sickle pin on her Mao jacket.

 8. Bang a shoe on the podium.

 7. promise to open FEMA camps by 2018.

 6. Assemble a group of 6-year-old crumb-crunchers to record a creepy song just like Obama did.

 5. promise free healthcare

 4. promise free college

 3. ponies for everyone

 2. promise to have all American businesses nationalized

 1. have some refuseniks gunned down


The RedSquirrel Report Turns 5 Years Old

On February 16th, this blog turned five years old. There are some people I wish to acknowledge for getting me interested in the fun world of blogging. I should thank our founding fathers for coming up with The First Amendment. Freedom of speech is important, especially for conservative bombthrowers like myself.

Five years ago, I had an idea. I wanted to make fun of newsmakers and politicians, and so I created a smart-alecky, bushy-tailed rodent reporter. I'm a fan of local columnist Joe Soucheray's Garage Logic concept, and imagined the squirrel as a resident of this imaginary town.

I thank Mitch Berg (Shot In The and John Hinderaker (Powerline), two local bloggers who got me interested in this medium. It's fun when a small blog like mine gets mentioned on a more prestigious blog like

I also thank Barack Obama, for giving me SO MUCH MATERIAL! The last eight years has been great for conservative bloggers. I just hope that he doesn't have us all thrown in prison or FEMA camps.

Oh, and I should also thank Google, for giving me this free platform. Thanks, Googs.

In Your Face, Drudge Report....

At 2:46 a.m., this blog reached 100,000 pageviews.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Beyonce's Black Lives Matter Superbowl Halftime Show, Sponsored By The Black Panthers

Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to The Beyonce Black Lives Matter Superbowl Halftime Show, sponsored by The Black Panthers!

Oh look! There's our pampered diva Beyonce in a Black stretch limo, along with her personal police escort! They're making sure that she'll make it here on time. Must be all that White privilege we keep reading about!

Let's listen in as Beyonce takes the stage! She's singing some sort of anti-police protest song.....or maybe she's just a Carolina Black Panthers fan. Who knows?

Now, there's 200 back-up dancers in white hoodies up there on the huge stage. If our Muslim President Barack Obama had 200 sons..................

As you know, The Carolina Panthers QB is Black man, Cam Newton! He makes only several millions each year playing a sportsball game! Oh, the inhumanity! It's time to organize another march!

It looks like Beyonce is shaking it in tribute to 'the gentle giant Michael Brown'. I guess that convenience store owner should have just let Brown steal those cigars, and that racist cop should have let him take his gun....

Oh look, it's Bruno Mars and that White guy from Coldplay....

Well, that's the end of Beyonce's Black Lives Matter Superbowl Halftime Show, sponsored by The Black Panthers. Enjoy the second half!

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

And Now, A Word From Our New Sponsor

You're a career criminal on the campaign trail. You go from city to city, lying and demonizing your opponents like there's no tomorrow....

....and suddenly, you develop an UNCONTROLLABLE COUGH.

 It's a deep, hacking cough. It's almost like God himself is trying to push your lies back down into your throat.

Try "An Once Of Honesty' throat drops. This tasty losenge coats your throat with tiny truth sparkles that clears your gullet, as well as your conscience!

It may even....

Before: Hillary Clinton accuses Republicans of racism, blames Republican Governor of Michigan Rick Snyder for the lead in the water pipes in Flint....

After: I did it. I broke Federal laws. I sold our national secrets to our enemies. The Clinton Foundation is a big money-laundering scam. Whitewater, cattle futures, Benghazi.....I lied.....

Try "An Ounce Of Honesty" today!  

A Special Place In Hell....Well, Isn't That Special?

During a recent campaign appearance with Democrat Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said that 'there's a special place in Hell for women who don't help other women.'

I am sure that Juanita Broaddrick

and Paula Jones

and Kathleen Willey

and Dolly Kyle Browning

and the dozens of other women victimized by serial rapist / Harasser-in-Chief Bill Clinton and his enabler Hillary Clinton would agree.