Sunday, January 31, 2016
WHO WANTS SOME FREE STUFF??? (The audience cheers wildly)....
As you know, 98% of Black Americans DO NOT OWN A PONY!!!! We should not let THIS GRAVE INJUSTICE STAND!!!! We should give EVERY BLACK AMERICAN HIS OR HER OWN PONY!!!!
(The audience cheers wildly)....
As you know, many young Americans cannot pay back their college loans. Even if they can find a part-time job, they don't MAKE ENOUGH TO PAY BACK THEIR SKYROCKETING COLLEGE LOANS!!!! We need to raise the minimum wage to $20 an hour AND MAKE COLLEGE AFFORDABLE.....AND BY THAT, I MEAN 'FREE'!!!.......(The audience cheers wildly)....
As you know, hardly anybody can afford healthcare. Six years after passing THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT (The audience cheers wildly) people are STILL PAYING TOO MUCH FOR HEALTHCARE. WE NEED SOMEONE IN THE WHITE HOUSE WHO WILL MAKE THE DIFFICULT DECISION TO MAKE ALL HEALTHCARE FREE!!!!....(The audience collectively pee their pants cheering)....
As you know, millions of Americans cannot afford a nice, big house. HOW CAN WE ALLOW THIS GRAVE INJUSTICE TO HAPPEN IN SUPPOSEDLY THE RICHEST COUNTRY ON EARTH? WE NEED TO CORRECT THIS TRAVESTY!!!(The audience cheers wildly, waving 'Vote For Bernie" signs)
VOTE FOR BERNIE, AND YOU WILL EVERYTHING YOU WANT!!! THAT'S MY TIME!!! PEACE OUT!!!!(The audience cheers wildly)....
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Dear Congress, honored guests, My fellow Americans,
The state of the union is strong.....ALL BECAUSE OF ME! (Democrats stand a cheer loudly). Because of me and my administration, Government does more for more people than in any time in history, unless you're a veteran trying to get medical treatment.
Because of my signature legislation Obamacare, millions of Americans no longer are forced to go to their full-time job! (Democrats stand and cheer wildly).
Millions of undocumented immigrants can go and get healthcare, while millions of Americans have necessarily lost their doctors. Some Americans have simply had it too good for too long, depriving our third-world neighbors of equal access to free healthcare, and THAT ISN'T FAIR! (Democrats stand and cheer wildly).
We have destroyed entire industries that have been raping this land and polluting the air! We have eradicated the evil of the coal industry! (Democrats stand and cheer loudly) We have also saved the country from the horror of The Keystone XL Pipeline! (Democrats stand and cheer wildly)
As great as this 'fundementally-transformed' country has become under my leadership, things are terrible....because of THE REPUBLICANS!!! (Democrats stand and 'Boo' their GOP colleagues).
Americans are being killed by guns at an unprecedented rate never seen before. That's why I announced an executive order to control violence. I will be hiring thousands of neighborhood snitches who will spy on their gun-owning neighbors. Soon, gun violence will be eradicated!!! (Democrats stand and cheer wildly)
At this time, I would like to direct your attention to the empty seat next to the First Lady in the gallery. This empty seat is symbolic of our guest who we 'wanted' to invite, but was gunned down!
Friends, we need to make sure that at next year's SOTU, that seat isn't empty! (The Democrats stand and cheer wildly)
Also, local police are been gunning down young Black men. This has to stop! I, along with The UN will begin taking over local police forces, and replacing them with 'Obama civilian security cops'. (The Democrats stand and cheer wildly). To correct this country's history of racism, 90% of these new cops will be comprised of 'dreamers' from other countries and Muslim 'refugees.'
If Congress refuses to make this happen, I WILL SEE TO IT THAT IT DOES!!! (Democrats stand and cheer wildly)
In conclusion, my wife Michelle has said that before I became your President, she was never proud of this country. Now that America is a lot more like the rest of the world, she tells me that she's has never been more proud to be an American! (The Democrats stand and cheer wildly).
That's my time! Allahu Akbar! Vote Democrat this November!
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Thanks, Redsquirrel. Happy New Year.
Sometimes my son Eric pisses me off so much, like when I found out he and his good-for-nothing friends were frying their brains on pot in our basement, but then I turn on the news or fire up the Twitter. Suddenly I feel like hugging my kids close.
Which brings me to the subject of this commentary. I'm so glad that I'm not Clockboy's father. My God, this trouble-making little douche needs a foot to the ass.
It's as if Barack Hussein Obama and Pajama Boy had a baby. This little creep is part community organizer, part troublemaker, and 100 percent pencil-necked jack-ass.
This Islamo-creep takes a clock, and re-builds it to resemble a bomb. Then, the twerp scares everybody with this gizmo, and the story gets all over the news. Now, he's trying to sue us because some meanie arrests the jerk. Oh, and Clockboy is a Muslim. Surprise, surprise.
The mischievous twerp takes a clock apart, then rebuilds it TO LOOK LIKE a bomb, then complains when he's arrested. This little ass-hole should be thrown out of the country. Instead, President Creepy Hussein INVITES the little douche to the White House. I hear that Creepy actually advised this punk to file the lawsuit.
The left is getting on Donald Trump's case for wanting to take a break from letting more Muslims into the country. After seeing this little jack-ass in action, I would actually go a little further than The Don. I think that Muslims who cause ANY trouble should be THROWN OUT of the country.
We can start with Clockboy.
As you were,
Red Forman, Normal-American
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
It's your Dictator-for-life, Barack Hussein Obama. I would like to tell you, my fellow Americans, about my exciting New Year resolution in this, the final year of my glorious presidency.
As you know, gun violence is way, way up. Also, police are brutally murdering law-abiding citizens all over America, and we need to do something to make all this carnage stop. That is why I am announcing this executive order.
Don't hate or blame me for taking your guns away. Where I'm from, we don't like free citizens owning guns.
We're working the kinks out of my executive order. There is some aspects of my new gun control policy that we're still mulling over. Law-abiding citizens may not buy a gun, but I can still sell guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers.
We may do for the gun stores what we did for the coal industry, but at the same time, we don't want to stomp on the rights of Muslims to shoot up a Christmas office party.
After all, that would be violating the freedom of practicing their religion as they choose, and that would be unconstitutional.
We need tighter controls on 'this gun show loophole', but if a young Black man wants to charge a police officer and take his gun, he should be allowed.
Even though this is my final year in office, I refuse to be a lame duck. In fact, I may have to suspend the 2016 presidential election if this problem persists. After all, Valerie says that we'll never be able to open our FEMA camps if Americans can still defend themselves.
To sum it up, America needs to be more like Chicago. My hometown has strict gun control laws. Do you EVER hear about people getting shot? I rest my case.
If Congress refuses to act, I WILL ACT ALONE. IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO BECAUSE I SAID IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
That's all for now. Allahu Akbar,
President Barack Hussein Obama