Monday, August 31, 2015

The President Re-Names Mount McKinley After Himself

President Obama is taking a trip to Alaska to appear on a realty TV show and talk about Global Warming. My source in Alaska tells me he will be on TV to show Americans survival skills which we will need after eight years of his presidency.

Dear Leader has also re-named Alaska's Mount McKinley after himself. He will re-name the tallest peak in North America Denali, which is an Athabaskan word, meaning "The High One."

Black Lives Matter Takes Over The Minnesota State Fair

This week, the Soros-funded Black Lives Matter protesters took on that institution of racial hatred we call The Minnesota State Fair, and tried to shut it down. About 400 protesters marched on The Fair, and the gates were closed for a few minutes.

The evil racists had the unmitigated gall to re-open the gates, and allow people to enjoy themselves.

The protesters appeared dissatisfied with the number of food choices at the fair, chanting "Pigs in a blanket, Fry 'em like bacon." Your bushy-tailed correspondent looked for the Pigs In A Blanket Booth, but couldn't find it.

The protesters say that the state fair discriminates against Black-Americans. I was surprised to learn that you couldn't work or enjoy the fair if you were Black. That's so racist!

We need to fundamentally change how The Minnesota State Fair operates, and let Black Lives Matter run it next year. I can just see it now:

They should build ANOTHER light rail line through the midway, so that hoodlums and troublemakers can milk you of your money. The Minnesota State Fair should do away with anything relating to farming or agriculture, such as showing off your vegetables or dairy products. Black slaves worked on farms a long, long time ago. 

We should wipe away with anything relating to this shameful, traumatic time in America's past.

Currently, you can still see White performers at The Midway. Def Leppard performed on Day One. This has to stop. Anywhere you can go and see music by a White artist must be a terrible affront to our friends at Black Lives Matter.

It is simply racist to go ANYWHERE in Obama's America and not hear loud, pumping hip-hop brow-beating your eardrums. Rap should be mandatory concert fare at the fair. Anything Whitey likes must be banned, and everything WE like must be mandatory. Anything else is clearly racist.

They should also change the food. Everything must now be fried in FATBACK. Using anything else to fry food would clearly be discriminatory. There could be trouble if Michelle Obama finds out that people are enjoying fatty foods. She might ban anything that someone may be enjoying, and force everyone to eat rabbit food from her 'victory garden'. We also need a seminar to learn about the trauma of living in a 'food desert.'

Also, we need to stop White people from happily showing off their pumpkins and rutabagas. The Minnesota State Fair needs to invite The Reverend Al Sharpton, or someone shouting through a bullhorn at all the happy White people. The Black Panthers should man the booths.

Black Lives Matter had a die-in on Day One. Clearly, it should be mandatory for ALL ATTENDEES to participate in a die-in that will occur at the Minnesota State Fair EVERY year from now on. If you don't participate, you should be kept out.

Obviously, you're not down for the struggle against all the psychotic cops murdering completely innocent Black-Americans. You need to get your mind right, Whitey.

There probably should be several booths dedicated to victims of gun and police violence, where victims like the 'gentle giant' Michael Brown are honored.

There are many ways that Black Lives Matter can make The Minnesota State Fair a more inviting, diverse place for Black-Americans. We could start by scaring all the White people away.



Sunday, August 30, 2015

HEADLINE: Donald Trump Deports Jorge Ramos From Press Conference

Last week, I was listening to Rush Limbaugh talk about the Donald Trump press conference that illegal immigration advocate Jorge Ramos (who also calls himself a journalist) tried to crash.

Limbaugh commented that Ramos didn't wait in line to be called upon, and didn't really even ask a question. He was there to embarrass and harass the candidate, and also to accuse him of being a hateful xenophobe.

Mr. Trump told Ramos to shut up and wait his turn. When the Univision host refused to, Mr. Trump gave his security detail a sign, and had the troublesome pest removed. Later, the candidate did let him back in, and spent five minutes answering his questions.

Rush said something quite funny about this event, adding that Donald Trump deported Jorge Ramos from the press conference. Jorge refused to wait his turn, just like an illegal alien.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

An RSR Exclusive: A Message From Donald Trump

Real Estate mogul, TV star, and GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump continues to lead in the polls, and many conservative leaders and pundits continue to be mortified or amused by this. Millions of mainstream conservatives find his blunt straight-talk very appealing, as the RINO establishment continues to conspire with liberal extremists to rid the landscape of him and his strange hair.

Mainstream conservatives love to see someone stand up for the people. He doesn't back down. He doesn't shut up. He's on attack mode whenever he's attacked. To his supporters, his past doesn't matter. What matters is that he wants to make America great again. For millions of Americans who are sick of being punished by the little, pencil-necked tyrant from Kenya, his rhetoric resonates with many, many Americans.

The RedSquirrel Report is pleased that Mr. Trump sends us this message to our readers:

Dear ReadSquirrel Report Readers,

America is ran by idiots and losers, and I want to change that. This is why I am running for President of the United States. My friends, I know that you want to make America great again.

We are being robbed and beaten by the countries of the world, while our stupid leaders give our enemies the rope that will hang us. This can't go on anymore. 

Millions of criminal illegal aliens are being sent here by crooked governments, and they are bankrupting us. What America needs is someone who won't take this crap anymore. That is why I propose that Mexico build AND pay for a wall across the border. Don't ask my HOW I will force them to build and pay for the wall. Just believe in me when I say that My wall will be the classiest wall ever, and it will be so great you won't believe it. And Mexico will pay for it. 

Many conservatives are questioning my motives. They say I'm a big self-promoter, and that it's foolish to support a lifelong Democrat who keeps changing his party affiliation. My friends, I am a businessman in New York. You HAVE TO be a Democrat to deal with The Empire State. It's like a protection racket. They ask me why I contributed to Hillary. Look, I got her to attend my last wedding. If that isn't getting maximum bang for your buck, I don't know what is.

Idiots like George Will and Ben Shapiro aren't on my team. Maybe they're just not very bright. I went to the best schools, and now I am filthy rich. Are they filthy rich? Where do they get off criticizing my candidacy? Then there's that idiot who called me a 'grunting ape'. Has he ever built a casino with solid gold toilets? Probably not.

My friends, we are losing to dictators, and are getting creamed with terrible trade deals. If we don't turn this around, America will soon look like Obama's home country. I'm not even sure where he's from, but it's gotta suck. Enough's enough.

Vote for me, and America will be great again. 

The Don.

And Now, A Word From The EPA

We are The Environmental Protection Agency....

We do more than kill jobs.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

South Park Got It Wrong

The Biggest Douche In The World isn't psychic Jonathan Edward.

It's Barack Hussein Obama. God, what a revolting, insufferable individual.

Monday, August 10, 2015

10 Things I Care More About Than A Dead Lion

Last month, a dentist from Minnesota killed a lion named Cecil. Our correspondent hasn't yet learned who gave that lion the name Cecil, but he's sure that nobody in his pride gave him that name.

The dentist has been threatened repeatedly, and now, he's in hiding. There is a petition to send him to some country in Africa to face charges for the killing of Cecil.

While there is an international outpouring of grief, your bushy-tailed correspondent believes that there are more important things happening in this world than the killing of a lion. Here are 10 things your bushy-tailed correspondent care more about than this over-reported story:

10. What will happen with Abbie and Ichabod on the upcoming season of  Sleepy Hollow.

 9.  Our veterans aren't getting the care they need.

 8.  The president's horrible nuclear deal with psychotic Mullahs in Iraq.

 7.  ISIS is killing, raping, and torturing 9-year-old Yazidi girls.

 6.  Millions of Americans have had their health plans cancelled because of Obamacare.

 5.  The president is flooding the country with criminal illegal aliens, and it's harming us.

 4.  The creep in the White House continues to threaten our Second Amendment rights.

 3.  Congress continues to act as if laws don't apply to them.

 2.  There is no opposition to Our little Kenyan Tyrant, at least in Congress.

 1.  Our public education system is producing non-thinking, low-information voters.