Friday, November 28, 2014

Ode To Black Friday

Shoppers trampled in their masses
They'll break bones and granny glasses
Watch them break down the doors
Armageddon at the department store

It's Black Friday, run for your lives
Flat-Screen TV's and Ginsu Knives
10% off, must find a deal
Ran over by grocery cart wheels

Oh Lord, Help us

3 women fighting over a pink sweater,
They're in a tug of war
carts crashing in electronics
There's blood in aisle four

Oh Lord, Help us

I got gifts that I'll be returning
Angry customers mad and burning
Now we are standing in this line
Screaming kids drive me out of my mind

I don't know how we survived
escaped Black Friday, but we're still alive
Salvation Army bell now it rings
Store manager laughs and says 'Ca-ching!'

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

RedSquirrel's Thanksgiving Address To America 2014

Dear America,

As we get together with our families this Thanksgiving, I would like to give thanks to the Good Lord above for the following:

I thank God for The Minneapolis City Council. These geniuses have filled our potholes and solved the crime problem, and now they have solved an even bigger problem........Styrofoam food containers. Thank goodness our friends on The Minneapolis City Council banned this threat against humanity.

I also thank God for White Privilege. I don't quite know what it is, but I think it has something to do with 'not being born and raised in a place completely ruined by Democrats.'

I thank God for Barack Obama. Between Fast And Furious, his narcissistic attitude, and his insane appetite for power and dog meat, he gives us bloggers and Tweeps a lot to write about.

I am thankful that I am not subjected to Michelle Obama's 'healthy' school lunch program.

I thank God for MSNBC and CNN's Don Lemon. You folks are a barrel of laughs.

Seriously though, I am thankful for my family, for Twitter, that God let me be born in America, and that he sent his Son to be my Savior.

God Bless America.

Oh, Little Town Of Ferguson

Oh, Little Town Of Ferguson
On TV we can see you riot
Looted stores and bars and flaming cars
under Main Street's Christmas lights

Thugs are making off with TV's
Darren Wilson is to blame
The cops are here in riot gear
as thugs set this town aflame

Monday, November 24, 2014

Red Forman To Obamacare Architect Jonathan Gruber: Congratulations, Jack-Ass

Recently, Obamacare Architect Jonathan Gruber became front-page news in the conservative media, as several videos of the MIT professor showed us what The Obama Administration has thought of the American People all along....

....that the American voters are stupid and that lying about the so-called Affordable Care Act was the best way to sell it to the public.

RSR Contributor Red Forman is here to share some of his thoughts about this story. Take it away, Red:

 Well, well, well...So, you thought that the best way to sell Obamacare was to lie about it to all the stupid Americans. The way I see it, the only idiots who actually voted for this cluster were the Democrats in Congress. The Republicans all voted against it.

Congratulations, Jonathan Gruber. We took a vote and chose you 'The Douchebag Of The Month.'

I understand that the government has paid you millions for selling this fraud. As a college professor, you don't worry about ever getting laid off or losing your health insurance. Gosh, it must be great not having to live in the real world, you pompous twit. 

Theoreticians like you and Barry Obama live in the world of academia, where progressive jerk-holes smoke their pipes and test their stupid ideas on actual humans. If your ideas destroy a million families, you can just say, 'Oh well, back to the old drawing board, har, har, har...'

You think you're really smart, but I know this kid who lives down the street from me. His name is Kelso. He's a big, stupid kid, yet I am confident that he will someday be a better, more productive member of society than you are. 

You remind me of this douche I know who lives in his mom's basement. Pajama Boy is another over-educated fool, gets A's in all his worthless classes, yet has absolutely zero common-sense. 

While I'm teaching my son Eric how to fix a car engine, 28-year-old Pajama Boy drinks hot cocoa (holding the mug with both hands) and badgers his parents who are still supporting him about the wonders of Obamacare.

Instead of kicking his ass like a good parent would, they will probably turn him into something like you. God help us all.

That's all for now. 

Red Forman, uppity peasant.

Monday, November 17, 2014

President Obama Joins The Cast Of Commies In Space

"The needs of the low-information voter outweigh the freedom of the private sector...."

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Meanwhile, In The Democrat Camp.....

What is amazing about this election cycle is just how disciplined the Republicans were, in the face of Democrat race-baiting and insults. GOP candidates spoke about issues, while The Democrats made utter asses of themselves.

While 30-year-old conservative Elise Stefanik was winning in New York....

....contraception whiner Sandra Fluke was getting trounced in ultra-liberal California. 

While Black Republicans Tim Scott and Mia Love ran terrific, inspiring races and won....

....Democrats in Georgia circulated an offensive campaign flyer depicting a Black man being lynched by a group of white men. Race-baiting Democrats also tried to use the shooting in Ferguson, Missouri in the hopes it would bring their base to the polls.

While Republicans ran on the economy, Obamacare, border security, and the dangers of ISIS....

....Colorado's single-minded ex-Senator Mark Udall made a fool of himself, harping on his 'signature issue', birth control. Voters began to refer to him as Mark 'Uterus', and female voters felt insulted by his candidacy.

While Republican Joni Ernst ran on the issues and her interesting, solid background....

....retiring Iowa Senator Tom Harkin stuck his sexist foot in his mouth.

While The Republicans ran against Obamacare....

....Democrats crossed their fingers and hoped that all the people who had their health plans cancelled would somehow forget.

Our sneaky President also delayed the next round of Obamacare's open enrollment until November 15. His plan was to hide it until after the election, but instead he probably ruined Louisiana Democrat Mary Landrieu's chance of winning her run-off election against Bill Cassidy.

Now, she 'wants' the Keystone Pipeline Project Legislation passed. Why now? Maybe she can switch parties before she is slaughtered in her run-off.

Finally, there was the downright hateful candidacy of Wendy Davis. 

The Party Of 'Old' 'White' 'Men'

On Election Night, fresh-faced Republican Elise Stefanik became the youngest woman ever elected to Congress. She will represent New York's 21st congressional district.

She's 30-years-old.

The voters of Utah's 4th congressional district elected Republican Mia Love to The U.S. House of Representatives. She is a Mormon Haitian. If that's not diverse enough for you, I don't know what is.

Joni Ernst cheerfully brushed off sexist attacks, and became Iowa's first female Senator. Two days after winning the seat, she went back on duty for The Army National Guard.

My favorite meme from Election Night featured these three terrific candidates. Democrats like to joke that The GOP is a party of 'old', 'white', 'men'. After Election Night, something tells me that Democrats don't have much to laugh about anymore.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

A Message To The President From A Stay-At-Home Mom

Last week. the president made some strange, insulting remarks regarding 'stay-at-home' Moms. Here to tell us what she thinks about his words is a member of the 'stay-at-home' community:

What in the Hell is wrong with you, Barry? Where do you git off insulting stay-at-home Moms? 

Y' know, your Communist Mama should have stayed at home to look after you, instead she was always runnin' around, posing for smutty pictures.

Frankly, I think you got a screw loose! You're always yappin' 'bout that 'Republican War on Women'. It's you Democrats who can't stand strong women!

While I'm at it, what's up with that sexist pig Tom Harkin? It looks like new Senator Joni Ernst made all you Democrats squeal. I was checking out the election returns in the newspaper....She sure BUTCHERED that doofus she ran against.

Then, there's that dang idiot Mark Udall, yappin' about birth control. Birth control this, birth control that. If you ask me, I think he's got splinters in the windmill of his ONE TRACK MIND!

Not to be out-done, there's that bimbo Wendy Davis. What in the Hell is wrong with her? Insulting her opponent in a wheelchair? Was it THAT time of the month for Barbie? Is she ridin' the cotton pony?

LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU, MR. PRESIDENT! When you constantly play the RACE CARD, you ain't playing with A FULL DECK! (points her her temple)

Now go up to yer room and think about it!

Monday, November 3, 2014

A Pep Talk For Republicans

Dear Normal Patriotic Men and Women of America,

Tomorrow we will invade voting booths across America, and take back our country from that insufferable jerkhole Obama and his Alinskyite minions.

The Tree of Liberty must be re-nourished from time to time with the tears of progressive control freaks and unhinged leftist weirdos.

We will do battle with those filthy, cheating bastard Democrats, and we will win....and win big, although we may run into a few baton-wielding Black Panthers at polling stations. 

We already we know they will cheat like Hell because they know that we out-number them. After all the bullshit, race-baiting and all that 'Republican War On Women' hooey, I fervently believe that we will take back The Senate.

Now, The Democrats and their friends in the mainstream media will try to discourage you from voting. They will tell you that you might as well just stay home, because Democrat victory is inevitable. Don't let' em fool you. If you haven't voted yet, get yourself into the voting booth. The country depends on you.

Then, as we watch our glorious victory unfold on Election Night, you can rest for a moment, and laugh at those brain-dead freaks at MSNBC try to explain their losses.

It will surely be great to watch the lamestream media, with their eyes glazing over, as normal Americans celebrate wildly at victory parties all over America.

So vote. Now you know how I feel. That is all.  

Sunday, November 2, 2014

An RSR Exclusive: We've Identified 'Chickenshit Throat'

Last week, an unidentified Obama Administration official referred to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu as a 'chickenshit'.

The RedSquirrel Report scoops the media once again, identifying this senior official of The Obama Regime: