Sunday, April 27, 2014

Minneapolis City Hall Hard At Work On The Issues That Matter Most

While motorists in Minneapolis are disappearing in gaping potholes all over The City of Lakes, it's great to know that our city officials are hard at work on the issues that matter most.

New City Council member Andrew Johnson has introduced a new ordinance that would ban Styrofoam containers within the city limits. It's wonderful to know that our overlords have solved the violent crime problem, and are moving on to more important matters.

The Minneapolis City Council voted Friday to change 'Columbus Day' to 'Indigenous People's Day'. For people displeased with skyrocketing property taxes, this comes as very welcomed news.

Not to be out-done, our newly-elected Mayor Betsy Hodges donned an Islamic hijab, as she met with imams who supported her in last November's mayoral election. We're not sure if she'll wear a habit when she sits with Catholic supporters. We're checking to find out if our Bolshevik Mayor knows any actual Christians.

Meanwhile, the female dhimmicrats on The Minneapolis City Council and our lesbian Police Chief proclaimed February 28 'Hijab Day', and they donned the Islamic garb.

It's very re-assuring to know that the new regime is hard at work on the issues that most Minnepolitans care about. We can't wait for Mayor Hodges to start officiating those mass Islamic same-sex marriages.

It's Harder For A Rich Pinhead To Enter The Kingdom Of God....

Recently, former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg said this:

If There's a God, when I get to heaven, I am heading straight in. I have earned my place in heaven. It's not even close.

The RedSquirrel Report received this statement from ST. PETER this morning:


Holy Hannah! The Boss (When I say 'boss', I mean God / Yahweh) is rolling on the floor, laughing at Former NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg's statement.

The narcissist started off with the words 'If there is a God.' Didn't Nanny Bloomberg know that Yahweh CREATED heaven? In fact, he created Nanny Bloomberg, although some of us wonder why.

Also, someone needs to tell this arrogant, boastful doofus that one does not 'earn your place' in Heaven, and you don't get into heaven by banning salt and large drinks. You don't earn a place by banning guns or buying your way in with your vast fortune.

In fact, it's easier for a camel to enter the eye of a needle, than for a rich pinhead to enter the Kingdom of God. So there, PINHEAD.

The last time I checked, The Boss, in his eternal wisdom, makes the rules here. Things are terrific on the streets, shops, and cafes in Heaven, and we don't need someone coming here and banning stuff.

God Bless,

St. Peter

Monday, April 21, 2014

A Happy Earth Day Message From Mother Earth

Tomorrow is Earth Day. You may be attending an Earth Day event near you, or you may be participating in a 5k run somewhere. We at The RedSquirrel Report are pleased to welcome the big gal herself, Mother Earth, who has a very important message for conservationists, everyday Americans, and environmental wackos alike.

 Take it away, Mom:

Thanks, my little, bushy-tailed friend.

Hey everybody, I just wanted to check in, and share some Earth Day-related thoughts with you. First, there are a lot of you who have a false image of me. I have been around for billions of years (or maybe only 30,000 years), but I stopped counting a long time ago. You know how women are. We don't like to be asked our age.

Some people think that I'm just a delicate eco-system, and cannot be touched. It's like they think I'm frigid or something.

That's simply ridiculous. I'm here for you. Go ahead, chop down that tree. Today, over 50,000 acres will be destroyed.....and made into something REALLY beautiful like a home, a piano, or even a baseball bat.

There are these environmentalist extremists who are against fracking and drilling. Once again, they could not be more wrong. I want to tell you that Mother Earth loves a good frack. In fact, I am a great, big skank. There, I said it.

I've been around a long, long time. These global warming alarmists are frauds and idiots. Comedian George Carlin said it quite well when he said, 'The Earth isn't going anywhere. WE ARE!'

Besides, what's wrong with keeping me WARM? Damned idiots.

Sure, sometimes I open up and shake, and wind up killing a few people here and there. Other times I flood or hit you with a big tsunami. Sometimes I'll get into one of my moods. Just stay out of my way when I do.

One thing about Earth Day I find highly enjoyable are those 5k runs. I just lie on my tummy, because it feels like millions of tiny feet giving me a back massage. 

Well, that's all for now. Everybody have a great Earth Day.


Mother Earth

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

MN Representative Winkler Comments On New Minimum Wage Law

Yesterday, Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton signed the new minimum wage increase into law. The RedSquirrel Report contacted the author of the House bill, Golden Valley Democrat Ryan Winkler.

He had this to say:

"Heheheh....heheheh....heheh....Raising the minimum wage is COOL!....heheheh......

Obama Battles The Strawmen

It's amazing that Mr. Obama's tongue hasn't fallen out of his mouth yet.

There has never been a more dishonest, insanely demagogic politician in this country's history. One of his favorite rhetorical devices is the use of  'the strawman'. Obama and his allies relentlessly lie about his opponents and their positions on policy matters as they paint their enemies as selfish and inhuman.

If a Republican tells you that it's a nice, sunny day, Obama suddenly appears to tell you that Republicans believe in discriminating against rainy days. He also has an army of vicious liars in the mainstream news media.

When someone expresses doubt about the hoax of man-made global warming, The Democrats accuse their opponents of destroying life on the planet.

Last week, he spoke about pay equity in The White House Rose Garden. After he finished his speech, ground workers dried out his speech and fertilized the garden with it:

Republicans believe that women should be denied a basic human right to be paid as much as a man. That is why I introduce MY NEWEST INITIATIVE. Evil Republicans are waging a WAR ON WOMEN, believing that women should be kept barefoot and pregnant, and BE FORCED to pay for their own contraception! On the other hand, us Democrats believe in pay equity! (the audience cheers wildly)

Just don't ask me why women are payed less inside The Obama White House. Hey, the boss is a Muslim. They should be glad we let them appear in public.

That reminds me. I think that it's simply awful the way Republicans keep pushing Grandma off a cliff. Today, I am introducing my new agenda. We're calling it 'The Republicans Must Stop Pushing Grandma Off Cliffs Act of 2014'. If the Republicans don't vote for MY plan, I will go over their heads. (wild cheering)

Remember, I have a phone and a pen. (wild cheering)

Also, I keep hearing that Republicans abuse their own kids. This simply cannot continue, so I am pleased to announce 'The Republicans Must Stop Abusing Their Own Kids Act'. I don't know why Republicans do such terrible things to our young, but I AM WILLING TO STOP THEM! (more wild cheering)

Also, The Republicans are destroying the economy. They insist on drilling for oil and digging for coal, then they cut taxes for the richest Americans. This has to stop. Our world cannot continue to be RAPED by these capitalists. (wild cheering)

Remember, they didn't build that. (more wild cheering)

I am pleased to announce that I have resurrected our economy by laundering money through Solyndra. Then, I stole half a trillion dollars from those able to pay for it, AND showered my supporters in the form a 'stimulus.' Also, I've made lots of money by selling guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers. I am pleased to announce that my policies have worked! (Obama does an end-zone dance as the audience cheers)

Some Republicans tried to stop me. Shame on them. They must want me to fail because I'm black.

That's my time. Allahu Akhbar.

Who Are The Real Bullies Here?

Last week, the Democrats in The Minnesota State Legislature passed 'anti-bullying' legislation. Like a lot of people, I remember being bullied in Junior High. It never dawned on me that I needed The Minnesota State Legislature to stop my tormentors.

Critics of this legislation believe that this law is unnecessary. Schools and school districts have policies in place, and it should be there where they deal with students behaving badly. Some may even say that this legislation is a gift to pro-gay voters.

While we're using the government to stop bullies, how about a law stopping the Bureau of Land Management from bullying landowners like Cliven Bundy?

There should be a law protecting us from gay fascists who target and bully people who believe in traditional marriage.

And while we're at it, let's do something about the bullies at The Obama IRS who persecute conservative 501C3 non-profit organizations.

How about a law for people victimized by the thieves and the child molesters at The TSA?

Then, there's always Obama's allies, The Muslim Brotherhood and those mega-bullies at The Council of American-Islamic Relations?

Let's not forget the government schools who bully children into being submissive, compliant little Marxist cogs. Colleges harass and persecute conservatives. Where can a student go after he or she is bullied by their Marxist college professor?

Who are the real bullies here?

Last year, conservative writer Ben Shapiro wrote "Bullies: How The Left's Culture Of Fear And Intimidation Silences America"

Our Alinskyite despot Barack Obama is the 7-year-old bully on the playground. He is abusive with power, childishly sneering at his opponents. He uses intimidation and harassment to shut his critics up.

Last year, neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson got a phone call from someone at The White House suggesting that he 'apologize to The President.' His offense? Carson made a speech critical of Obamacare.

Obama stole millions of healthcare plans like a bully stealing everybody's lunch money. Freedom-loving Americans should punch the bully in the nose and take it back.

We will have an opportunity to beat back the bullies in November. See you at the polls.

Monday, April 14, 2014

This Week's School Menu

Things just keep getting better for The American People under The Obama Regime. First Lady Michelle Obama's 'Healthy Eating' agenda has been quite a hit with kids all over the country.

Here is what's on this week's menu. Don't worry kids, there's enough for everybody:

Monday: carrot sticks
               carrot-flavored rice cake
               skim milk

Tuesday: avocado paste on toast

Wednesday: low-cal bread
                     cup of rice
                     decaffeinated coffee

Thursday: SALAD SPECIAL!!!!

Friday: mystery soy product on toast
             unsweetened liquid

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Beware Of The S.L.O.B. (Senate Legislative Office Building)

Let's just say it. The Democrats in the Minnesota State Legislature are thumbing their nose at us. It's like they believe nothing can stop their insane, vulgar spending.

Now they want a brand-new, $90,000,000 Senate office palace. The big spenders must believe that they deserve it. Detractors are referring to this project as 'S.L.O.B.' (Senate Legislative Office Building).

This calls for a song parody. Remember that wild horror movie from the 50's 'The Blob'? It had a really catchy theme song:

Don't pay for The S.L.O.B.
They spend and send our tax dollars right out the door 
they want.... some more 
It's only 90 mil
We'll pay.... the bill
Beware of The S.L.O.B.

Beware of The S.L.O.B.
These hacks just tax n' waste money on expensive stuff
we've had....enough
Let's vote them out
right on.... their duff
Don't pay for THE S.L.O.B. 

Big-Government Minnesota Democrats also remind me of the jelly-like monster in that the more it feeds, the bigger it gets.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Brendan Eich Must Be Destroyed!

Before last week, few people even knew who Branden Eich (pictured here) was. Eich was the creator of Java script, and was one of the founders of Mozilla, creators of the Mozilla Firefox Internet browser. Recently, he became the CEO of Mozilla.

The I.R.S. illegally leaked a copy of his donation in support of California's Proposition 8, which defined marriage as one man to one woman, to gay activists. Then, the pro-sodomy left pressured Mozilla to force Eich out.

We at The RedSquirrel Report have invited The President of G.L.A.A.D. to explain their position:

Thank you, RedSquirrel.

Homophobes like Brendan Eich should NEVER be allowed to run a company. We believe in diversity and inclusiveness, so that is why that hateful bigot is gone. (NA NA NA NA....NA NA NA NA....Hey, Hey, Hey....GOODBYE!)

His support for Prop 8 was shared by over 7,000,000 other bigoted Californians, who voted for (and passed) this offensive measure. I'm glad that President Obama's IRS has EVERYONE'S records and addresses, for we will soon have their personal information too. Someday, only gay-friendly activists will be allowed to be employed, not just in California but ALL ACROSS AMERICA!

We applaud President Obama for changing his same-sex marriage position a few years ago. He too, WAS one of those anti-gay bigots, but changed his position on same-sex marriage when he found out how much money we have. He did an 'about-face', and we gave him a golden shower of campaign contributions. A lot of us also like the way he throws a baseball.

It makes me angrier than a red peacock when those constitutionalist meanies call us 'fascists'. We're not fascists. We just believe that you tea-baggers and Nazis better agree with us, or we will destroy you.

We have Brendan Eich's head mounted on the wall at G.L.A.A.D. Headquarters. Soon, we will mount the whole country. Thank you.

Gavin Barris, G.L.A.A.D. President

Monday, April 7, 2014

Ron Swanson Tells Valerie Jarrett: Stay Away, You Psychotic Witch

Obama advisor Valerie Jarrett paid a visit to Hollywood, demanding that scriptwriters include a pro-Obamacare message in the TV shows you watch.

We here at The RedSquirrel Report have asked TV superstar Ron Swanson, star of NBC'S Parks And Recreation, for his opinion concerning this development:

Dear Valerie,

Stay the Hell away from Pawnee, you evil, psychotic witch.

Is there ANYTHING about America that you and your freakish commie regime haven't desecrated yet? You don't seem to know just how pissed-off this country is over having their health plans cancelled, and they don't like it when Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid calls them 'liars.' And now, you demand that our writers place a positive spin on Obamacare. Val, this isn't North Korea.

I'll be happy to explain some things to you, since you're not from here. Let me clue you in, honey.

I am an American. I like lots of meat on my plate, and stuff on my TV that makes me smile. Real Americans hate rabbit food and overt communism in our TV shows.

Also, Real Americans hate Obamacare. We hate being lied to almost as much as I hate skim milk. We don't like busybodies telling us how to live our lives. Also, Real Americans strive to attain awesomeness, not government dependency or Obama-styled suckiness.

Obamacare should be repealed, not shoved down our throats. You've destroyed the greatest healthcare system the world has ever seen, but I'll be damned if you also turn 'Parks And Recreation' into pro-Obama propaganda. Our screenwriters will not turn April Ludgate into another dependent 26-year-old child, looking for an Obamacare subsidy. She's busy making our viewers laugh.

If anything, we might do a show about badly Obamacare sucks.

That is all for now.

Ron Swanson, Real American

Red Forman's Open Letter To Democrat Rep. Jim Moran

To: Representative Jim Moran (D-Va)

From: Red Forman, Uppity Peasant

Dear Rep. Moran,

I've learned that you have been complaining lately that Congress is underpaid. You, sir, are a flaming dumb ass.

Watching idiots like you on TV is way more offensive than the worst, most stupid reality TV freakshow. In fact, I'd vote for Kim Kardashian if she ran against you, because she probably has more respect for the taxpayer than you do. You voted to kill jobs and steal millions of health plans via The 'Affordable' Care Act, and while The American People are suffering because of self-serving creeps like you, you bitch about your congressional salary. 

In the private sector, stealing is illegal. If you weren't in the government, you'd be convicted in a jaw-dropping myriad of crimes. You wage war on the productive, and then call it 'public service.'

You live and 'work' in a wealth-stealing bubble called Washington DC. Robbing the productive and re-distributing income is the 'industry' of DC. You make $174,000 a year, and probably live in a McMansion in the suburbs. As a tax-payer, I am forced to pay your salary, which YOU CAN VOTE TO INCREASE. I know this because I sometimes watch C-SPAN when I can't sleep.

Congress is a cesspool of corruption, dirty deals, and liars. Your crooked pals consider it an art. You say that you 'care' more than your opponents, but many of us know better. I know a liar when I see one. Jack-asses like you remind me of my idiot son Eric.

The difference between you Eric is I still have hope that he will someday become a productive member of society. You, on the other hand, destroy dreams, violate our freedoms, and steal our income, and then you heap insults to injury every time I see your idiotic, bull-shitting mug on TV.

Kiss our ass, you filthy thievin' fraud.

Yours truly,

Red Forman, uppity peasant.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

The Bush Dynasty (1989-1993; 2001-2009; 2017-?)

George Herbert Walker Bush was elected President in 1988. He lost in his bid for re-election four years later.

His son, George Walker (Dubya) Bush was elected to The Presidency in 2000. After 8 years, the American People were so tired of him that they elected a Communist.

Now, Dubya's brother, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush is the GOP donor's choice in the 2016 race. He supports Common Core.

Maybe these geniuses in The Grand Ole Party will begin grooming Billy Bush, host of Access Hollywood for a presidential run in 2024.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Jack Is Back

Jack is back.

24 returns in May with the season premiere of "24: Live Another Day". I don't know what's in store with this shortened 12-hour television event, but this is what I'd like to see:

The season opens with the corrupt, treasonous president selling guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers, then turning his back on one of our embassies in The Middle East while Americans are slaughtered. Then the president gives our enemies f-16's and 200 fully-armed tanks.

Yeah, I realize this sounds really far-fetched, but this is only 24.

Jack learns that the president is guilty of a wide variety of crimes against The American People. On top of that, our hero also finds out the president also stole an election

Jack learns the president is working as a foreign agent. Jack sneaks into The White House with Chloe O'Brien's help, and he engages in some 'special interrogation tactics' on the corrupt, treasonous impostor, as well as the equally corrupt former Secretary of State who is running for president.

I would also like to see Jack open a case of whoop-ass on the corrupt, racist Attorney General. tick. tick. tick. tick. tick.....

24: Live Another Day premieres on May 5.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

This Just In: 105% Of Americans Are Enrolled In Obamacare

April 1 White House Press Release:

Following an incredible, last-minute wave of sign-ups, The Obama Administration is pleased to announce that every single American has enrolled in the incredibly popular healthcare law.

We were expecting about 7,000,000 enrollees, but after we counted 15,000,000 illegal immigrants. We can proudly announce that 340,000,000 Americans have enrolled. We know this because our official people-counters at SCYTL says it's true.

Also, 35,000,000 dead people are registered....I mean....enrolled.

We're also happy to announce that EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN is a registered Democrat now. We have sent pre-printed registration cards to every residence, telling everyone who they will be voting for in November.

Many Americans were under the false impression that our website was not working properly. In reality, the website works perfectly. We discovered that The Koch Brothers and certain talk-radio hosts were spreading misinformation concerning our perfectly-operating system.

Also, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has disclosed that millions of Americans are indeed just too dumb to sign-up successfully. But they too, are all signed up.

The President thanks Rachel Ray and Lebron James for persuading scores of Americans to enroll in Dear Leader's healthcare law.

Good work, America.