Monday, September 30, 2013

Government Shutdown Questions

With the House Republicans trying to avoid a government shutdown and President Creepy, Speaker Creepy, and the creepy Obama media unwilling to compromise, it looks like we're going to have the government shutdown we all know that the Democrats want.

What will it mean for most Americans? Your bushy-tailed correspondent is asking the same questions:

If thousands of NSA employees are laid-off, will they go back to being just plain old peeping Toms?

If The TSA isn't there to molest our loved-ones, who will?

Since the government won't be there to waste my money, should I just flush my money down the toilet myself?

Who will arm all those dangerous Mexican drug dealers NOW?

Will the Obamas have to pay for THEIR OWN VACATIONS? THE INHUMANITY!!!!

Ted Cruz Hears The Citizens

Last Week, Texas Senator Ted Cruz filibustered the god-awful Obamacare law for 21 hours, and read tweets from concerned citizens. The American people are afraid of their unresponsive government, and Cruz tried to make them listen to the people.

On Twitter, thousands of freedom-loving Americans on my timeline let their feelings be known. While the Senator from Texas was reading Green Eggs And Ham, I was thinking about a different Dr. Seuss story as I read the incredible number of tweets under the hashtag #MakeDCListen

It reminded me of this scene from the 2008 feature film Horton Hears A Who, featuring the vocal talents of Steve Carell, Jim Carey, and Carol Burnett:

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Common-Sense With Sir Charles Barkley

Last February, we welcomed former NBA superstar Sir Charles Barkley to The RedSquirrel Report news team. He returns today with this commentary. Take it away, Sir Charles:

"Thank you, 'Squirrel.

It seems like the knuckaheads are everywhere. After that sicko knuckahead Aaron Alexis shot up and murdered those people at the navy shipyards, Kansas University college journalism professor David W. Guth said that the children of NRA members should be killed.

Whatsthematter with you, you psycho knuckahead? Do you have any idea how stupid you sound? That's turrible.

Then Allen Brauer, Communications committee chairman for The Democratic Party of Sacramento County went INSANE on Twitter, when an aid for Texas Senator Ted Cruz showed her opposition to the highly-unpopular Obamacare. 

Brauer wished that Amanda Carpenter's kids would 'all die from a debilitating, painful, and incurable disease' You need your head checked, knuckahead.

Then, there's that botoxed weirdo Nancy Pelosi, sayin' that Republicans WANT to take food out of the mouths of babies. Why do they keep voting for this knuckahead? She's ALWAYS saying something crazy.

It's like she's an escapee from a hospital for the criminally knuckaheaded.

Not to be outdone, that senile jack-ass Harry Reid calls The GOP 'arsonists and anarchists.' That knuckahead needs to dial it back.

It seems like lots of unhinged liberal knuckaheads say insane, hateful stuff, and they believe that our society won't even notice. Then, they bitch about 'civility'.

That's just turrible.

Well, that's all for now. This is Sir Charles, signing out. Peace."

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

I Don't Like Green Eggs And Ham, Obamacare Is Just A Scam

Texas Senator Ted Cruz's epic filibuster against the funding of the awful Obamacare included a reading of "Green Eggs And Ham" to his daughters watching him at home. The Texas Republican also read tweets (#MakeDCListen) sent to him from all over America.

There's a lot of Doctors who hate this law, and are threatening to retire. Maybe Dr. Seuss would have been one of them if he were still alive:

I don't like green eggs and ham
Obamacare is just a scam
I don't like Obamacare
We hate it because it isn't fair

I don't like Obamacare
We know that Washington doesn't care
We think that it's obscene
Congress acts like they are kings and queens

I don't like Obamacare
Full-time jobs are getting rare
It seems they don't listen still
or care about the jobs they kill

I don't like Obamacare
In fact, I don't like the 'empty chair'
As the American people rages
about the law that's 20,000 pages

I don't like Obamacare
We want to wake from this nightmare
Congress has made themselves exempt
and keep on showing their contempt

Everybody hates Obamacare
Even labor unions say it isn't fair
Most of us will not enroll
Single-payer is their goal
I do not like green eggs and ham
Obamacare is just a scam
We hate the lies obama spews
We would rather stand with Cruz

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

And Now, A Letter From Ralph

With the debate on ObamaCare and the possible government shut-down heating up in Washington, we at The RedSquirrel Report endeavor to bring many voices to this debate.

Today, we get this letter from Ralph, a low-information voter who supports ObamaCare:

Dear Mr. Squirrel,

I am an 8-year-old voter, and I support ObamaCare. I understand that 70% of the American public oppose this law, but why should we listen to these people? They are fringe, extremist kooks. They are heck-bent on taking away health care from children like me.

What do I do if I need my stomach pumped after I eat a box of crayons? Answer that one, Republican meanies.

What about those with pre-existing conditions? It would be terribly unfair to deny home insurance to somebody who has already burned down their house, like I almost did last month.

I think it's wonderful that President Obama has kept 26-year-old children on their parent's health care. That's why I voted for The Messiah.

I also voted for The Messiah because he rides a unicorn.

It's also good that ObamaCare has eliminated millions of full-time jobs. Americans work too hard anyways. The Messiah has created 16,000 new jobs at The IRS to make sure that The American people obey his law, so everything evens out.

Meanwhile, those Republican meanies are trying to defund ObamaCare, and they don't care if the entire government is shut down. Nancy Pelosi says that The Republicans are trying to steal food out of the mouths of babies, those mean Republican meanies.

Nancy Pelosi reminds me of my Grandma.

Well, that's all for now. I have to go to the doctor because I just super-glued my lips together. Thanks, Mr. Squirrel.


Wednesday, September 18, 2013

All Hail Me, Queen Michelle Obama

Today, we are HONORED to have our QUEEN First Lady Michelle Obama grace us with her immeasurable wisdom. She has an important announcement to make, and we have the exclusive report:

Thank you, RedSquirrel,

In only five short years, my husband has accomplished SO much, keeping GM alive, killing Osama bin Laden, while fundamentally transforming  our society. However, he didn't do it alone. I also deserve credit.

It is I who led this deeply flawed nation through a much-needed 'cultural shift.'

America has stolen resources from the rest of the world, so my husband's administration has shown the American people what it's like to have something stolen from them. We have re-appropriated resources from the lucky ones with jobs to our leftist cronies and international crooks. That'll teach ya.

Perhaps you have seen my 'Let's Move' campaign on TV. Liberal states like California, New York, and Minnesota have their own 'Let's Move' campaigns, as millions of fed-up peasants move to states like Texas, Wisconsin, and North Dakota.

I have personally overseen changes to school cafeteria menus all over America. So, goodbye sloppy joes, meatloaf, and fish sticks. Say hello to rabbit food.

Soon, I will be unveiling my new media ad campaign. I call it 'Starvation: It's for your own good.'

I urge Americans to 'drink more water'. It's healthy, and pretty soon water will be the only food that our subjects will be able to afford. While my family jets around the world on the taxpayer's dime, the little people will continue to live paycheck-to-paycheck.

That is, if there are ANY jobs left.

My husband is hard at work, violating your Constitutional rights. Soon, our gun-grabbing Attorney General will take your guns away. So, when a mob of black thugs come chasing after you, you'll be able to run away. You'll be as fit and trim as a Kenyan marathoner.

You can thank me later.

Well, that's all the time I have for you, my subjects. I must tend to my 'victory garden.'

All hail me, Queen First Lady Michelle Obama

My Question Is For Miss Delaware

Last Sunday, they crowned a new Miss America. Every year, attractive young women from all over America compete in state pageants in the hopes of making it to the Miss America Pageant. It is there that they don bathing suits, and are paraded around, demonstrating their ability to smile and walk at the same time.

One portion of this contest involves celebrity judges submitting questions for the competitors. These questions usually involve some national or international issue facing us. The contestants show off their poise by answering questions like:

How would YOU improve education in America?

How would YOU solve the hunger problem in Ethiopia?

Do YOU support same-sex marriage?

What do YOU think of Miley Cyrus?

Generally speaking, it pays to answer your question in a way to make the mostly liberal judges nod in approval. It's good to not offend anybody, or frighten the audience with any strong opinions. Just promise everybody a puppy, and you'll be just fine.

On the other hand, you can also let a stream of gibberish fly out of your mouth, and your failure can make you a star on YouTube.

If I, your bushy-tailed correspondent, were allowed to ask a question, it would be:

Do guns kill people? or,

Should we de-fund ObamaCare or should we exempt everybody?

Monday, September 16, 2013

Obama's No-Huddle Offense Against America

Football season is here, and whether you're talking The NFL, college, or high school, coaches are working on their game plan. President Creepy has his own play book, and he's in a no-huddle march against America.

His game plan resembles a football coach's game plan. For example, he has called a misdirection play in Syria. My squirrely sense tells me that he wants Benghazi, Fast and Furious, and ObamaCare off the front pages, and what better way to do this than to threaten military action against another country where he may throw some long bombs.

A few years back, Obama called a shotgun play with Operation Fast And Furious, with a direct hand-off to dangerous Mexican drug dealers.

Obama has his own version of the Statue of Liberty play, where he makes the theft of our liberty look like he's PROTECTING OUR RIGHTS. Instead of protecting our rights listed in The Constitution, his allies tell us that we have a right to a college education, food, and a livable wage.

His low-information voters are easily faked-out by this play.

Obama and his Cloward-Piven Army are operating a no-huddle offense against America, hitting America with ObamaCare, Fast and Furious, as well as using The IRS and The NSA to harass his opponents.

He's at war with the coal industry, The Keystone Pipeline Project, home-schoolers, family farms, gun owners, Catholics, Christians, free-speech advocates, and well as talk radio. It's difficult to defend this country from such a non-stop barrage.

How do we defend our freedom against this? In football, a head coach has to give some players a rest. Likewise, I say we give some RINOS a good, long rest.

We can start by substituting some of our tired players like Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham with primary challengers. We have lots of players with fresh legs who can't wait to get into the game.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Government Shutdown Horror Stories

As some GOP lawmakers attempt to defund the horrendous ObamaCare law, Team Obama accuse them of trying to shut down the government. Of course, Senators like Ted Cruz from Texas insist that the idea is to fund the government while defunding ObamaCare.

Democrats act as if our lives will be in peril if bureaucrats aren't governing our every move we make. It's like Obama threatening the country with sequester horror stories:

Park rangers will be laid off, and hundreds of Americans will be eaten by bears.

Air traffic controllers and TSA agents will be let go, and planes will fall out of the sky, smashing into elementary schools and killing small children.

Food inspectors will be sequestered, and if your child isn't killed by falling aircraft, he or she will be poisoned by rotten food. They will be turned into brain-eating zombies.

The federal government will close down the Washington, Lincoln, and Jefferson Memorials. However, work on the Great Obama Sphinx continues.

The Department of Agriculture will close it's door, so everyone will starve.

Do you remember how terrifying the shut-down of 1995 was? Neither do I.

Enough of the fear-mongering already.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Obama: I Didn't Set The Red Line

A while ago, President Obama threatened Syrian Dictator Bashar al-Assad with retaliation if he crossed the red line by attacking Syrian rebels with chemical weapons.

Yesterday, our 9-year-old President denied that his Red Line Declaration was HIS. Here is his latest statement:

My fellow Americans,

I want to correct my critics who are unfairly using my words against me.

To be perfectly clear, this isn't MY red line. It's THE WORLD'S red line, but I DID NOT set the red line. If it was MY red line, Bashir al-Assad would never have dared to cross it. Nobody dares to cross a red line that I draw.

Also, this isn't MY credibility on the line. It's THE WORLD'S credibility on the line. When everything goes as it should, it's because of ME. I am ALWAYS perfectly credible.

Don't blame ME for this. Blame THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION, THE GOP, or SOME OTHER PARTY OR GROUP OF FOLKS. You can't prove that I am at fault. I am only passing through. I've only been here for the last five years, so don't lay this on me.

You didn't see a red crayon in my hand. There is no photo or video of me with a red crayon in my hand, and if you can produce a photo or video of me with a red crayon in my hand, it must be a political cartoon or perhaps it's a photoshopped image.

I didn't do it. You didn't see it. You can't prove anything.

I never said ANYTHING about ME drawing a red line in the sand. I killed Osama bin Laden and kept GM alive, so I didn't HAVE TIME to draw OR set no red line.

Got it?

Barack Hussein Obama, President of the United States